Chapter 17
Islip into Agatha’s room and shut the door.
Her head whips back, and annoyance creeps over her face. ‘What do you want?’
I take in Dezzy leaning over something at the end of Agatha’s worktable. We’ve never needed a reason to invade each other’s rooms before.
Agatha bugs her eyes out when I don’t answer.
‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘To hide for a minute, I guess.’ At least until Atlas and Coatl leave. Then I’ll be in charge, which mostly means nothing. Everyone knows what they have to do.
‘Hide in your own room.’ She turns back around, attending to whatever she’s working on.
‘You don’t come to my room any more.’
‘That’s because you have nothing in it.’
It’s the first time she’s commented on the missing things I’ve slowly been donating to Brother Thomas for the Dresden. I frown. What’s with the attitude? It can’t still be about the sparring incident. She seemed mostly fine at our dinner with Ryland yesterday.
‘Why are you hiding?’ Dezzy asks, raising her chin. ‘Is there a grizzly bear outside?’ Her words drip with a mix of sarcasm and righteous disdain, because anything short of a mauling bear is not a reason to avoid work.
I roll my eyes. ‘Can’t a girl take a quick break?’ Although avoiding Atlas isn’t my only reason. After flirting with Ryland – as per my mission – there seems to be a light, yet persistent, fluttering now in my chest. I need it to calm down.
Agatha leans into Dezzy and whispers something.
Okay, that’s rude. Whispering to each other is our thing – something we did frequently during Dezzy’s lessons, until Dezzy got so frustrated, a rare curse would slip out.
I exhale, trying not to be sore about it, and draw closer. ‘What are you working on?’
‘Your sister’s found potassium nitrate,’ Dezzy says, her accented voice animated in a way she only gets when discussing academia.
‘She found the white crystals of it growing on the walls outside the barns. It appears the ammonia gas from the animals’ excrement reacted with the bacteriums there to make a nitrate.
Then that reacted with the potassium minerals found in the stone. ’
I try to look fascinated, even though I enjoyed studying the elements as much as I’d enjoy an eye exam with rusty tweezers. I can still appreciate the impressiveness of those words. ‘Sounds important.’
She points to the large jar on the table. ‘It means we have a natural source of potassium nitrate from the stone walls of the barn.’
Now that makes me smile. Agatha finding her elemental compounds within Notting territory should keep Atlas off her back. ‘And what do you plan to use it for?’
Agatha barks a frustrated laugh.
Dezzy’s face falls in disappointment. ‘It’s an oxidiser –’
‘Don’t,’ Agatha says, cutting her off. ‘Don’t tell her any more until we’re out of the discovery phase. There’s nothing to report right now.’
‘Agatha,’ I say, affronted. ‘What’s going on? Are you still upset about the sparring?’
‘Why are you really here, Marian?’ she demands, crossing her arms.
Her anger feels misplaced. Unfair. ‘I’m here because I want to be with my sister. Who I miss.’
‘Liar.’
My head rears back. ‘How is that a lie?’
‘Girls,’ Dezzy chides.
Neither one of us acknowledges her.
‘How about you tell me what you want from me?’ I say. ‘Do you want me to stand up to him more? Fine. I will. And then we’ll see how bad our punishments can get. Will that make you feel better?’
‘Yes,’ she snaps back. ‘I do want you to stand up to him. Stand up to him and tell him no. For once. Tell him he can’t force you to … manipulate people. No whoring yourself out for his purposes.’
Oh. My mouth drops open. This is about Ryland.
‘But I know you won’t. Because you like being used by Father. Anything that keeps you his favourite. As if the way he looks at you weren’t enough.’
Fingers of anger fist around my heart as I push closer. ‘Are you seriously jealous that Atlas measures my worth by how shiny I am as a trophy? That he promoted me to stoke his pride, all while treating me like an object?’
She makes a sound of disgust. ‘No. Don’t be gross.’
‘It is gross, isn’t it? Yet we all just let it happen, because we know the alternative – that pushing back is worse. You’re not the only one who has to endure something that feels intolerable. But we do what we have to.’
For a moment, it appears I’ve broken through her thick skull – until she pokes a sharp fingernail into my collarbone. ‘You think you’re so helpless. You don’t know the power you have.’
‘What power?’ I repeat in disbelief. ‘For someone so smart, you sure have a poor memory. Or did you forget what happens when one of us tries to leave?’
Her thin lips form a line at my reminder of Felix. Of his exile. Of her being beaten by Coatl as I was forced to watch. ‘You did that,’ she hisses, angrily. ‘All of that was because you and your boyfriend turned us in.’
‘It wasn’t me and you know it! I ended things with Soren the second he betrayed you. And from that point on I’ve …’ My words grind to a halt as I stop myself from revealing how I’ve worked to weaken and sabotage Atlas ever since. I swallow. ‘I was trying to save you from dying in the badlands.’
‘And it got Felix killed.’
‘We don’t know what happened to him after he was exiled,’ I whisper.
‘But … yes, it was terrible.’ I look away, biting back the temptation to remind her that we’re on the same team.
That I’ve slept with her in the dirt at night, that I stood with her day after day in the hot sun without water, every time she was punished for breaking Atlas’s rules.
And even though we’re no longer children, I’m still protecting her.
Because the day I’m finally caught for my raids, she can honestly say she didn’t know.
‘It’s why I’ll do whatever it takes, even drag you back from the badlands, so I don’t have to bury you beside our mother. ’
She huffs in disbelief. Then she pulls off her leather gloves and throws them on the table, rattling the jars. ‘I would have been better off in the badlands.’
‘Agatha,’ I shout after her as she storms out of her bedroom.
My stew slops over the bowl as I set my supper tray down on the dining hall table. ‘Have you heard from Agatha?’ I ask Dezzy.
‘No,’ she says, aggressively wiping her mouth, back as straight as a sword. ‘But just leave her. She’ll return when she’s ready.’
She’ll come back when I’m not here. So childish.
‘Do you mind if I join you?’ asks a deep voice.
My breath catches in my throat as I lift my gaze.
Ryland.
Dezzy clutches her chest and smiles in a way I didn’t know she was capable of. ‘Hey, who are you? Oh my, you are a good-looking man.’
I feel frozen, even though I’m sinking lower in my seat. No, he can’t eat with us. If he thought being interrogated by Atlas was unpleasant, he’s about to be opened like a tin can – with the end of a hammer.
‘Yes, of course you can sit. Here.’ Dezzy makes room, pulling out the chair next to her.
Ryland flashes his straight, white teeth and takes the seat, setting down his tray. ‘Thank you. I’m Ryland, and I’ll be staying here for at least a couple of days.’
‘And where do you come from, handsome man, Ryland?’
‘Dezzy,’ I hiss, leaning forward. ‘For the love of all things Gergan, you can’t call him that … or ask him where he came from.’
‘Why can’t I ask that?’ She looks baffled.
‘Because,’ I say. ‘It’s not safe for him or his people to give up their location.’ I toss her a meaningful look while trying to ignore Ryland’s gaze roaming all over my face. Tingles erupt over my skin.
She snorts. ‘Fine, then. Marian, maybe you want to do the talking. Do you find this man attractive?’
My face heats, and with horror it dawns on me that I was wrong – it’s not Ryland being ripped open and laid bare here. It’s me.
She squawks. ‘Look at her. She is speechless.’ She chuckles, then drops her voice. ‘She is also single.’
I bow my head and pray for mercy.
‘Is she?’ Ryland muses with interest, making me peek up at him.
Don’t encourage her.
His eyes dance with amusement. ‘Well, so am I.’
My heart lurches. Is he flirting for real? My skin flashes even hotter – a mix of embarrassment and something else I haven’t felt in a long while. Something I shouldn’t be feeling with him. ‘Ryland, please know you don’t have to be subjected to this. You can leave anytime.’
‘Oh, I’m exactly where I want to be.’
My lungs stutter. What is happening? Why is he being so … bold?
And why am I so hot? I almost fan myself. Instead, I remember the facts: Ryland and I aren’t friends. He’s a stranger from a land filled with the most dangerous strangers. And to avoid a full-scale war between our settlements, we shouldn’t even be talking.
So whatever he’s after – information, an ally, a better deal for coal … or even a moment of distraction – he’s not going to find it in me.
Even if he is the most attractive man I’ve ever met.
‘Well,’ I say. ‘Then don’t say I didn’t warn you. Dezzy, have at him.’ I turn my head, pretending that will spare me more humiliation, and stuff my mouth with stale bread.
‘I don’t know. The tinctures were just missing.’ From beside me, Grendle’s words register in my brain. ‘It’ll be another two weeks until the next load.’
My heart gives a firm thump. She’s talking about the black walroot tincture I stole. I tilt my head, angling closer, trying to catch whether she’s suspicious about who took it. But she moves on quickly, letting it go. I exhale a slow breath.
‘Do you speak other languages?’ Dezzy asks Ryland.
‘Only sign language,’ he says. ‘But that was a long time ago. I’ve forgotten most of it.’
‘Sign language?’ Dezzy balks. ‘How do you speak with signs?’
Ryland demonstrates as he explains, and I find myself watching his strong hands and forearms move in unacceptably interesting ways.
Thick veins run like vines under his tanned skin.
He has the perfect dusting of golden hair.
I notice his muscles strain against the edges of his sleeve and imagine feeling them, running my fingers up and over –
Ryland’s gaze snaps to me.
It jolts something in my chest. Panic – but also a thrill.
Make him fall in love with you.
The thought of manipulating Ryland for a purpose, especially Atlas’s purpose, knots uncomfortably in my stomach. As it should.
But getting closer to Ryland for my own curiosity …
Ryland seems to have forgotten what he was saying.
I force my gaze away and swallow hard. No. If Atlas wants me to do it, then I need to do the opposite. I collect my dishes. ‘I need to get going.’
Dezzy ignores me and asks Ryland if she can see his hands, commenting on how large they are. He holds them up, looking confused, but gives her his full attention. It’s not until I’m clear of the dining hall that I realise he hasn’t asked me anything that would help him secure a deal.
In my bedroom mirror’s reflection, I bend my arms, testing out the crude stitches repairing my vagabond disguise. I’m hardly a seamstress, but this will have to do.
Okay, what am I missing?
Aside from the common sense to not raid tonight, mere hours after being left in charge of Notting.
After changing, I fold the pieces, then shove them in my pack. As usual, a nervousness hums below my skin, radiating from my bones. The inescapable fear of getting caught, rearing its head.
Call it off. The risk is too great to continue. What’s the end goal, anyway? Am I going to do this for the rest of Atlas’s life?
I brace a hand on the wall and breathe, but it feels like I’m trapped underwater.
What if I did quit? Maybe I’ve done enough.
My chest loosens for a split second, until I remember I’ve been given a gift of Atlas and Coatl being gone. Are you really going to waste that?
I groan. Plus, it’s collection day. A simple operation. Just slip into the trailer and dump stuff in the ditch before it’s tagged and locked away at the warehouse.
Simple. But not easy.
It’s never easy.
The anxious burn behind my sternum returns as I open the window with a creak. I cringe. Normally I don’t care who sees me enter or exit this way. Tonight is different.
There’s something sitting on the outside ledge – a single red wildflower. I hold it to my nose and inhale, wondering how a raven carried it all this way.
Ryland picked me wildflowers I said to Atlas in the High Command.
Wait. Ryland wouldn’t have …
My stomach swoops at the possibility that it was Ryland who gifted me this. I bite my lip. Nobody’s ever done something so thoughtful.
Well … except Benedict, who I see has taken the berries I left this morning and brought me an old-world coin. I pick up the perfect circle of silver metal and examine the profile of the man embossed on one side. A worthless relic, but a collectable nonetheless.
‘Heads and I have a safe night raiding.’ I toss and catch the coin but pause before looking. Do I really need another reason not to raid? Instead, I shove it in my pocket, hoping it brings me luck.
Something tells me I’m going to need it.