Chapter 41
Ihand Ryland the roll of thin cloth, then slowly turn around.
My wet hair is in the way, so I pull it over my shoulder. Then, heart thundering – at his closeness, at what he’ll think about what he sees – I slowly lower the back of my shirt.
Ryland inhales deeply.
‘Dezzy said only a handful broke the skin. Some worse than others.’
He’s silent for too long. But then he speaks, voice stricken, ‘I’m so sorry.’
I fight a shiver as his finger traces gently over my shoulder.
‘I’m sorry I couldn’t heal you,’ he whispers.
His words surprise me. For the first time in what feels like forever, he’s not shutting me out. Ignoring me. Pretending I’m not here. My heart begins to pound with desperation for this version of him to stay. I pull my shirt back up over my shoulders and face him.
His hand remains in the air between us, that furrow still creasing his brow.
‘Can I ask you something?’ I’m not the type to beg, but after having all this time to think, I’ve realised there is something I need to know. ‘It’ll be quick, and then I won’t bring it up again.’
I swear he’s leaning into me. ‘What is it?’
‘Was it ever anything more than attraction for you? Lust? What we had? It couldn’t be, right? There wasn’t time to develop anything deeper.’ At his silence, my fingers fidget with my shirt. ‘Not if you could walk away so easily.’
His eyes close. ‘Marian.’
He speaks my name like another apology.
Shame floods my cheeks as he drops his hand. Instantly, I hate myself. Have some self-respect and stop fighting for this. He’s made his wishes plain. Briskly, I step back.
‘You should bandage it again.’
‘I will,’ I mutter sharply.
‘Marian,’ he breathes. ‘Please.’
Please what? Please let him go quietly? Pretend we never were?
I bend down and wince as I grab my weapons. Sure. I will do that.
‘Please don’t hate me,’ he says in a rush.
I chuckle soberly. ‘Trust me. Hate is not what I feel for you, Ryland. This would be a lot easier if it were.’
He runs a hand over his head. ‘I know.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m just … trying to make sense of it all. I’m not like you. I can’t just turn it off after falling for –’
You.
A wave of devastation sweeps over his face. He looks away, his hand flexing at his side. ‘Nothing has been turned off.’
Tears burn my eyes and, not wanting him to see, I walk away. ‘Could have fooled me.’
‘I’m trying to make it easier,’ he calls. ‘What do you need to hear to make this hurt less? That I wish it was you? Does that make it better?’
My feet slow.
‘Because I do wish it was you.’ He moves closer. ‘I can’t sleep because of how much I miss you, and when I do, you’re in my dreams.’ He huffs. ‘That’s why Agatha did what she did. The dream she saw – it was of you and me running away.’
My chest swells painfully.
‘The only reason she knows the way to Kingsland is because in that dream I was showing you. She saw us together at the red forest, talking about how it formed.’ He gestures to the creek.
‘She saw us swim in water just like this. She saw me carry you to the riverbank and …’ His fierce eyes snap up to mine.
‘Do you want me to keep going? Do you want me to tell you how I kissed you? What happened after that?’
My head spins. No wonder Agatha betrayed him.
‘I have fallen in love with you,’ he says brokenly. ‘You’re not alone in this.’
A knot forms in my throat.
‘I want you. Anyone else feels wrong.’ He exhales, then his expression falters. ‘So what the hell am I doing?’ he whispers to himself.
He blinks. ‘You know, since the attack on my family, I’ve lived my life by a set of rules.
Everything was black or white. Right or wrong.
We even have an oath we speak in the elite guard – ‘Through honour, we prosper. Through trials we earn our name.’ Honour’s everything, no compromise.
But you’ve turned all of that on its head.
Because you’ve shown me there is a time to steal.
There is a time to break the rules. A time to revolt.
’ His words slow. ‘And maybe … just maybe there is a time to break a vow, too.’
My stomach twists as I suddenly see where he’s going.
He’s not wrong; there is a time to push the limits and go rogue.
But is breaking a vow – his vow – one of them?
I thought so, but now I’m not so sure. Should there be a time to break an honourable man?
Is his integrity a stumbling block we need to overcome?
Like a blindfold lifting, I finally understand him. ‘Ryland.’
He closes the distance and cups my face. ‘Run away with me.’ His mouth pulls into a breathtaking smile. ‘First, we’ll stop Atlas, but then … it’s you and me until the end.’
Hot tears sting my eyes. This is what I’ve been waiting to hear, and the temptation to accept everything he’s offering is nearly unbearable.
Nearly, but not entirely.
My hand covers his fingers, and my chest swells with misery as I gently pull them from my cheeks. ‘I want that, Ryland. I want everything you said.’
‘Then what’s wrong?’ he asks, searching my face.
I sniff and focus on a small wet spot on his shoulder, because if I look at him, I’ll change my mind.
‘In my head, it was simple. You only needed to choose me. But after hearing you, I think I … I didn’t understand the magnitude of what you’d have to do to make that happen.
You shouldn’t have to compromise yourself – especially the very best parts – to be with me.
You shouldn’t have to reject who you are. ’
His hands drop. ‘I’m not.’
‘Can you honestly say that breaking your vows to Agatha won’t eat away at you every day?’
His answer seems stuck in his throat.
‘And what about the connection? Are you really okay with walking away from it? Or will you always question whether you made the right choice?’ I look at him now, needing to see the answer.
His face turns stricken. ‘It won’t be like that.’ He winces. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘It does.’ My heart cracks down the centre. ‘You would have to break who you are to be with me. And one day you would realise you made a mistake.’
My shoulders fall with the weight of my sadness, but I know what I need to do.
‘There aren’t words for how sorry I am for not marrying you when I had the chance,’ I say. ‘That was the worst decision I’ve ever made. But I don’t regret telling you to marry Agatha. In fact, I would do it again … because it saved your life.’
I confronted Ryland because I wanted to know how he could leave if he loved me. But there’s only one question that matters any more: If I love him, how can I ask him to stay?
‘I’m sorry for tempting you to break your vow,’ I whisper thickly, certain my ribs are fracturing at the anguish in his eyes. ‘It won’t happen again.’
This time, when I walk away, I don’t let myself stop.
Not long after, while Fitzgerald and Levi are on watch, the rest of us sleep out in the open.
But slumber is impossible for me. Instead, I stare at the stars under the bright, full-moon sky and try not to think about tomorrow. About how I’ll face off against Atlas. Or what will happen after … if I survive. All I know is that I’ll have to go wherever Ryland isn’t. I don’t see any other way.
In what feels like both a victory and a loss all at once, no one sleeps in between Ryland and me tonight. He lies maybe ten feet away.
When enough time has passed, I finally roll over and allow myself to look at him. He must be asleep by now, and if these are our last moments, I want to memorise the details, treasure them.
But when I make out the shadows and form of his body, I see that his eyes are open too, and he’s already staring at me.
My stomach tumbles.
His gaze doesn’t waver, and I can’t for the life of me look away.
The pain of the reality we’re facing is worse than anything I’ve felt before. My heart yearns for him with a physical ache. How easy it would be to rise and slip under his blanket and –
Stop.
I could live a thousand years and I wouldn’t face a greater temptation. Still, neither of us makes the move.
I wish you well, Ryland. A bright and long future. I hope for you the very best life.
Then, feeling like my heart is being ripped from my chest, I turn my head and close my eyes. Not long after, I hear Ryland shift, also rolling away.
We’re in agreement. Whatever we had is over. I stuff my face in the crook of my elbow and cry silently into my arm.