Chapter 13
Present
When I finished telling the story, Diane looked at me with a mixture of shock and understanding. I could tell she was searching for the right words, unsure of what to say.
“Wow,” she finally said. “That’s not what I was expecting.”
“I know. It wasn’t my finest moment, but it’s what happened.”
Diane took off her glasses and leaned back, clearing her throat. “I can’t say that I agree with what you did, but I understand why you did it. Love can make us do crazy things.”
The bitter laugh that escaped my lips seemed to surprise us both.
“Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover it.” I stared into the fire, the flames dancing as memories of that summer played out in my mind.
The betrayal, the secrets, and the lies.
“I wish I could take it all back,” I whispered, more to myself than to Diane.
“It’s the single biggest regret of my life. ”
After Diane had scribbled a few notes on her pad, I heard the click of the recorder.
“I think that’s enough for today.” Perhaps she sensed that I had delved as far into my past as I could handle for one afternoon.
Or maybe she saw the raw vulnerability in my eyes and decided it best not to push me further.
Either way, the silence that followed was a welcome reprieve from the torment of my confession.
That evening, I ate alone. The food was flavorless, each bite a reminder of the emptiness growing inside me.
I stared out the window at the setting sun, its fiery glow matching the flames I had poured my heart out to earlier.
I thought about Diane and her quiet understanding.
She was a good listener, but there was only so much she could do.
I barely noticed when Judy came to clear away the untouched food from my tray.
“Rough day?”
“You could say that.”
“I heard you mention Jack this afternoon,” she said, placing the dishes in the sink. “You haven’t talked about him in years. Are you sure this was a good idea?”
I shrugged, my eyes fixed on the table. “I don’t know, Judy.
Part of me thought that telling my story would be therapeutic.
But another part… Anyway, I think the worst is behind me.
Diane now knows what only a handful of people know—that I betrayed Jack, that I lied to him, and that it was all because of a love that consumed me. ”
“But why even dredge up all those painful memories? It was so long ago, and you’ve accomplished so much since then. Besides, what happened that summer doesn’t define the woman you are today.”
“But it does,” I said. “It’s like a stain on my soul. No matter how much I've achieved, no matter how much good I've done—it always comes back to that summer.”
As darkness fell, I found myself lost in thought.
The ghosts of my past seemed to be hovering in the room, their cold fingers brushing against my heart.
Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw Jack’s face? his blue eyes, the curve of his jaw, the way his lips turned up in a smile whenever he saw me.
I could feel the warmth of his embrace, the tender kisses he used to press against my forehead.
He was a part of me, a part that I had tried so hard to bury and forget.
Wednesday
The next morning, I began my day by penning an entry in my journal.
I started the ritual years ago, having been inspired by Jack.
I found writing cathartic, a way to drain the poison from my soul, one word at a time.
I was no novelist, but I wrote with the raw honesty of someone who had nothing left to lose.
My words were my confessions, my repentance, my redemption.
As dawn broke, I readied myself for the day. I slipped into my clothes, the soft cashmere hugging my aged body. The ritual of applying makeup was soothing, the brush against the skin, the delicate balance of color and light that accentuated my eyes and gave my cheeks a rosy hue.
The mirror reflected a woman of strength and wisdom, someone who had earned every line on her face, every strand of silver in her hair.
I stared at the reflection for a long time, seeing not only the woman I had become, but also the young girl from so long ago.
Her innocence lost, her heart shattered. But her spirit remained unbroken.
After breakfast, I made my way into the library, where Diane was already waiting.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to get an early start on the day. I feel as if we still have much to talk about.”
Yes, I thought. There was much more to say, many more memories to dig up from the graveyard of my past. “I don’t mind at all,” I responded warmly, feeling recharged and ready. “In fact, I’m eager too.”
With that, we settled into our familiar positions, with her opposite me, a notebook in her lap and an expectant look on her face. Once the tape recorder was set, I began to tell her about what happened in the weeks and months following my betrayal.
Sims Chapel, TN
August 1950
The moment Ellie left Sims Chapel, an overwhelming sense of relief washed over me. It was like the weight of the world had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders. But with the start of my sophomore year of college only days away, the relief was short-lived.
Complicating matters was the fact that my two closest friends, Connie and Yvonne, who had always been there to provide me comfort and support, were leaving for their own respective colleges soon.
In a matter of days, we’d all be scattered across the state again, each of us picking up where we’d left off the previous spring.
“I, for one, can’t wait to get back to Nashville,” Connie declared during our last get-together at her house. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love y’all, but Sims Chapel is just so small. So stifling.”
Yvonne nodded sympathetically as she sipped her sweet tea. “I feel the same way about Clarksville. But I believe it’s the change of scenery that does us good. Don’t you, Sara?”
Before I could answer, Connie chimed in. “You’re just excited to be closer to that boy you met last spring. Don’t deny it, Yvonne!”
Yvonne blushed a deep scarlet. ”Speaking of boys…” She turned to me. “What’s the story with Jack and old what’s-her-name?”
My heart clenched. “They’re still together, if that’s what you mean. But time and distance will take care of that. And when it does, I’ll be waiting.”
“Don’t you think that maybe it’s time you gave up on that dream?” Connie suggested. “I mean, there are so many other fish in the sea besides Jack Bennett. You’re a gorgeous girl, Sara, and smart as a whip. How ‘bout you set your sights on some of those college boys you were telling us about?”
I smiled, thinking of the prospect. There had been one or two boys the previous year who had tried to catch my attention. Good looking boys, intelligent, too. But my heart still yearned for Jack. “Maybe,” I mused, “but I can’t imagine any of them measuring up to him.”
Yvonne shook her head, a sorrowful look in her eyes. “Sara, I fear your heart might be too set on him. It’s not healthy pining for someone who’s taken.”
“Perhaps,” I conceded, staring at the ice in my glass. “But it’s not like I can switch my feelings off.” I looked up to see Connie and Yvonne exchange glances before Yvonne reached out and squeezed my hand.
“Sweetie,” she said, “sometimes, we don’t get the things we want the most. And that’s okay. It hurts, but it often leads us to something better.”
Connie nodded, her expression serious. “And sometimes, what we think we want isn’t really what’s best for us. We have to trust that life has better plans.”
I laughed, the sound a little bitter. “And what if life doesn’t know best? What if we know better?”
Yvonne’s gaze was steady. “Then we fight for it, Sara. But just be sure it’s worth fighting for. Otherwise, you might end up losing something even more precious in the process.”
Despite my friends’ advice, I felt a sense of determination that wasn't there before.
I was going to have Jack, no matter what it took.
I would win him over, make him see that I was the one he should be with, not Ellie.
The foolish thought was born out of naivety and stubbornness, but it was all I had. And I clung to it like a lifeline.
To my disappointment, the weeks and months following Ellie’s departure bore no fruit.
Even with her hundreds of miles away, Jack seemed more in love with her than ever.
I even heard he took a bus to visit her in Bloomington, utterly defeating my hopes of his affection waning with distance.
It was then that I finally started to accept the truth: I had been chasing a fantasy, a figment of my imagination, and my turn with Jack would never come.
So I slowly began to let go, allowing the remnants of my dream to trickle away.
I still had moments of weakness, of longing, but I tried my best to suppress them.
But before I could completely sever my feelings for Jack, fate stepped in once again.
Sims Chapel, TN
November 1950
I returned home to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday with my mother, who had prepared a spread so large it was as if she was expecting the entire town to drop by.
There was the usual turkey, dressing, green bean casserole, sweet potato pie with marshmallows, and a multitude of colorful vegetables scattered across the countertop.
I tried to tell her it was too much food, but she merely waved me off, insisting that there was no such thing as too much on Thanksgiving.
After a hearty meal, I was clearing the table when she asked if I could take some leftovers to George.
“I promised him some turkey and dressing, and a piece of my sweet potato pie,” Mother said as she packed a picnic basket with generous portions of food.
“Of course,” I said, dreading the thought of going out into the cold but unable to refuse her request.
Bundled up in my coat, gloves, and boots, I hiked through the woods to deliver the meal to George. When I got there, I found his cabin empty, the door swung wide. Concerned, I poked my head inside, calling out his name.
“George?”
“No, just me,” came a familiar voice.
I stepped into the kitchen and was surprised to find Jack there, hunched over a wooden table, nursing a glass of sweet tea. His face was a picture of gloom, his eyes sad and rimmed with red. The sight of him, so desolate and vulnerable, sent a pang through my heart.
“Jack? What are you doing here?” I asked as I shut the door behind me. “And where’s George?”
Jack looked up at me, his eyes dull and lost. “He’s out getting more wood… Said he’d be back soon,” he said, gesturing toward the dwindling fire. “I just needed a place to clear my head.”
I set the basket down on the table and grabbed a chair to sit on. “Why the long face? Is everything okay?”
He shrugged, his gaze drifting back to the half-empty glass in front of him. “Not really.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Jack hesitated. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
“Oh,” I said, putting two and two together. “It’s about her, isn’t it?”
He nodded, his expression turning even more grim.
“Whatever it is, I’m sure you’ll get through it,” I said, trying to take the high road.
“But that’s just it… I don’t know if we will this time. You see, I made a fool of myself in front of her friends…let my temper get the best of me…again. Anyway, I ended up leaving a day early and we haven’t spoken since.”
I stared at Jack, unsure of what to say. He was usually so cheerful, so full of life. Seeing him defeated was disturbing. “Did you try apologizing?” I asked hesitantly, unsure of whether I was crossing a line.
“Of course I did. But she didn’t want to hear it… Said it was probably best if we took a break. I don’t know, Sara. It’s like Ellie’s a different person when she’s around her friends… Like I don’t recognize her at all.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. All this time I had been searching for an opportunity to prove to Jack that Ellie was the wrong girl for him, that he deserved someone who understood him, someone better.
Someone like me. But instead of reveling in this moment, I felt a deep sense of sorrow seeing him in such a state.
“Ellie’s probably just trying to fit in,” I suggested, masking the surge of hope that was bubbling inside me. “People sometimes act differently when they’re around other people.”
Jack looked up at me and managed a half-hearted smile. “You think?”
“Yeah, I do. We all have different sides, Jack. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t still…” I wanted to say love, but the word got caught in my throat. “It doesn’t mean she doesn’t still care about you.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right,” I said, then went about unpacking the basket I had brought for George. “Have you eaten yet?”
“I had a little something earlier, but I could eat.”
“Well, there’s enough in here for the both of you,” I said, revealing turkey legs, rolls, and sweet potato pie among other things. “When George gets back, you both can eat to your heart’s delight.”
He managed a larger smile this time, a small slice of the old Jack I knew making its way through the gloom. “Thanks, Sara. You always know how to cheer me up.”
His words warmed my heart. “It’s what friends do, right?” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. I couldn’t show him how much those words meant to me.
“Right. Hey, Sara?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you, for everything. You really are a good friend.”
I swallowed hard, fighting the lump in my throat. “You’re welcome. And remember, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here.”
I left the cabin that evening with a bittersweet taste in my mouth.
I had fought the urge to tell Jack how I truly felt, that he should forget about Ellie and be with me instead.
But I couldn’t betray his trust like that, not when he was so vulnerable and lost. I could only shoulder his burdens and remain by his side, a loyal friend, even if my heart yearned for more.