Chapter Four JACKIE
Chapter Four
JACKIE
My muscles tremble, every nerve stretched too thin. Bone-deep exhaustion doesn’t help. Smoke, shouting, and the shadows of faceless men haunt my sleep.
Useless: that’s the word that keeps eating at me. Damage control is all I can do, especially with the news of the upcoming congressional hearing.
Even my usual yoga session with Lilly fails to give me a reset.
Everything in this studio is designed to help you relax. But the low whoosh of the diffuser in the corner does nothing to bring me inner calm. The eucalyptus scent wafting around the studio can’t soothe the uneasiness. I’m far from being serene.
And then there’s the engagement dinner, Adam’s words replaying loudly in my head.
The hurt gives me a nauseating feeling of imbalance.
I hate myself for not being able to let go.
I thought I had, back when I left. But then I see Adam at these inevitable events, arm draped around one of his dates.
Jealousy sits low and sour in my chest, and I hate that I let it in. I’m ashamed of it.
“You’re holding your breath,” Lilly says gently, facing the mat. “You’re tensing up.”
The noisy air out of my nose is more petulant than it needs to be.
“Contract the back of your throat if you want to exhale like a geyser.”
Lilly’s been my anchor to sanity ever since we met at Columbia. She’s zen in human form, calm and pure. Even though her studio is usually packed, she always sets time aside for our sessions.
My knee wobbles as I press my palms together above my head. In the wall of mirrors, I look weak and unsteady, fueling my anger.
His voice roars in my mind. He’s got some nerve breaking my heart and then acting like I was the one who ruined us.
My frustrated grunt catches Lilly’s attention, and she twists mid pose, graceful and infuriatingly balanced.
“You’re off center today.” Lilly releases a quiet breath and stretches her arm upwards. “Your energy is scattered.”
Sweat beads around my temples and trickles down my spine, adding to the discomfort. Maybe I can convince her to test puppy or mini-goat yoga next time.
“Trying to find it,” I grit out, pushing air through my nose, trying to focus on the gentle music flowing through the room.
“Something on your mind?” She scrunches her nose. “Aside from the obvious.”
Nobody’s claimed responsibility for the attack on the building. Carter even suspects Hall. But why would he target me? Eliza is the one who keeps receiving ominous texts from him after he narrowly escaped the police in Maine.
“No…” I shake my head in frustration. “I don’t know.”
Lilly slowly brings one hand to her leg and unfolds. “Do you want me to cleanse your office?”
“It’s…not work. We had Carter’s engagement dinner a couple of nights ago. Adam was there.” That confusing mix of feelings rises inside me again, thick and suffocating. “With someone.”
It’s a wound that just won’t close.
We were young, that’s true, but I thought…wrong. I thought that I was different. That he’d changed, despite all the stories I’d heard from him and my brother during their Harvard breaks.
“I see,” Lilly says carefully. “I’ll send you some Epsom Salt. Fresh from England. Your aura needs a cleansing bath.”
“I think I need something stronger,” I mumble.
“Then go visit your brother. Nothing clears your aura like the outdoors, being near the water.”
Yeah, no thanks. I’d rather let Lilly sage-steam me for hours than third-wheel Carter and Eliza in their lakeside love bubble.
I don’t want quiet. I want it to stop hurting every time I see his face.
“Let’s get this over with,” I huff out. “I’ve been dreaming of our lazy night for ages.”
We finish the session in silence, then my driver takes us back to mine to enjoy our pre-movie massages and the fluffiest pajamas known to humankind.
Once we’re properly boneless and warm, Lilly rummages through the fridge, hunting for the fresh kombucha I only keep in the house for her sake. “So,” she says, peering inside, “what rot are we feeding our brains tonight?”
I open the cupboard and raid the basket full of chips, cookies, gummies, popcorn, and chocolate. She pretends not to judge my snack choices, but her eyebrows creep closer to her hairline every time I reach for yet another bag.
“I found two new movies,” I add, entirely unapologetic. “Both about big city girls falling for small town lumberjacks.”
“At least they have a real job,” Lilly scoffs. “My last match told me very proudly he was working on a revolutionary board game. About ducks,” she deadpans. “For the past ten years…”
Her dating stories never fail to entertain me. “And yet, you keep swiping right?”
“One day, Jackie.” She wiggles her finger at me. “If all these bad dates are the frogs I need to kiss to find my Prince Charming, so be it.”
“You have more patience and optimism than I ever will.”
Lilly lets out a snort. “Took you long enough to figure that out.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Lilly grabs the kombucha bottle and smirks over her shoulder. “I love you, Jackie, but I’d hate to date you.”
Outrage leaves me mouth hanging, fists planted on my hips. “Why not?”
“Because, my sweet honey bunny, when things get too real, you bolt.”
“I do not—”
She raises her palm. “You want to have a corny movie night, or an impromptu therapy session and revisit all your past relationships? Especially what happened with—”
“Let’s just start the movie,” I grumble. “Grab those snack bowls if you’re done psychoanalyzing me.”
“Until you start healing your root chakra,” she says solemnly, “that’s all the help I can offer.”
I look up to the ceiling, swallowing my retort, and head for the media room, biting back my smile. She means well, and I love her for it, but we’re definitely not on the same spiritual wavelength.
And Blanca? Don’t even get her started on that. It’s why I rarely put them in the same room together.
We’re barely settled into the pillows-and-blankets nest on the oversized couch when my phone dings.
“No phones during movie night!” Lilly says, twirling her braids into a bun on the top of her head.
MICHELLE: Sorry for the late hour. I need to swing by and grab the reviewed proposal for the hearing on Monday.
MICHELLE: Congressman Turner’s aides asked for it first thing tomorrow morning.
“Sorry, it’s important. I’ve been summoned to a congressional hearing…”
She climbs the back of the couch. “Are you going to jail?!”
“What? No! They’re just freaking out. We’ve got sensitive contracts with the government and the Pentagon. They want to grill me on our cybersecurity protocols.”
If they are not satisfied after the hearing, they could pull the plug on everything. Block us from future bids.
“I guess I’ll let it slide this time, if your entire legacy’s at stake…” She might try to crack a joke about it, but her worry is palpable.
Five minutes later, Michelle arrives. Efficient as ever, looking apologetic.
“That was fast. I’ll go upstairs and get it.”
“Sorry again to ruin your night,” she says.
“No worries, I’m sure you had better things to do on a Friday night.” A twinge of guilt twists in my stomach. I usually do my best not to disturb her on weekends. “Come in while I get it.”
She shakes her shiny, dark bob. “It’s fine, the driver’s waiting.”
I leave her by the front door and dash upstairs to my home office, swipe the file, and jog back. Michelle’s lost in thought, fiddling with the lock on the front door like a kid. She startles when I hand her the documents, laughing awkwardly.
Before she leaves, I remember the other thing that’s been bugging me for a while.
“Please talk to our investigator on Monday,” I tell her. “Have them team up with Radu.” The guy is my personal cyber-criminal, turned white hat hacker. “I want to know if Diane Cox plays dirty when she digs for her stories.”
Michelle’s eyebrows lift, deepening the lines in her forehead. “Are you sure you want to go there?”
I’m gearing up to go there full speed. “If she’s clean, she’s got nothing to worry about. If she’s not, I’m going to burn her credibility to the ground,” I say with a wide smile.
When I return, Lilly’s blissfully cocooned in the blankets, the movie intro paused on the huge screen.
“Come on, I want to see these girls get their happily ever after,” she says through a suppressed yawn. Will she even make it halfway this time before she crashes?
I plop down next to her and press play, cradling a bucket of popcorn. The cheerful tune of the opening credits fills the room, but one thought keeps clawing at the back of my mind.
Finding love doesn’t always mean a happy ending.