Chapter 7 Oak
Oak
My phone vibrates in my pocket and before we enter The Pit, our night club that we own, I glance down at it.
Nora.
My younger sister by nine years. My only sibling. Despite our age difference we were inseparable. That is until I enlisted.
My heart aches because it wasn’t only Gracie Mae I was avoiding for the past month, I was avoiding my sister, too.
“You need to take that?” Snake asks as he slides next to me.
I stare down at the screen that has a picture of her. Her deep auburn hair frames her face and her blue eyes, the very same shade as mine, are behind cat eye framed tortoise glasses. She’s smiling in the picture but not in the way that she used to.
Only another reminder of how I failed being her big brother, her protector.
Eight years ago everything changed for her. And no matter how many times she’s tried to tell me otherwise I hold myself responsible.
Because if I hadn’t of gotten shitfaced to the point where I blacked out what happened to her wouldn’t have happened.
But on the first anniversary of their deaths I just wanted to fucking forget. No, I wanted more than that, I didn’t want to fucking live.
I’ve never admitted that to anyone.
And it wasn’t just that night that I’ve thought about it.
There were too many nights where I’ve contemplated on swallowing a bullet.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come close.
Where I had the pistol in my mouth and my finger steady on the trigger.
But before I closed my eyes and went to pull the trigger I would look at the picture of Nora and I that I have positioned on my night stand.
My arm slung around her, hers both fiercely wrapped around me with her looking up at me like I was her very own hero.
It was my graduation photograph. The only picture I still have put out with me in uniform. Before everything started to change.
I’d see that photo, the one of my sister and I, and I’d let my finger off the trigger before removing the pistol from my mouth.
She always called me her hero but on that day of my graduation she now said she would have to share her hero with the rest of the world.
Except I was never a hero.
But the thought of her grieving me, experiencing yet another tragedy, of letting her down one more time, that’s what led me to never swallowing the bullet.
Because as much as I wanted to die I could never do that to Nora.
Feeling the guilt press down on my chest I swallow before answering the call. “Hey, Nora,” I say casually. Like I haven’t been ignoring her. Like I haven’t been killing her inside this past month.
God, I’m such a fucking asshole.
“Ethan!” She exclaims into the phone with surprise. Nora never uses my road name that I’ve given to myself. It’s her way of keeping the brother she knew alive. Reminding me that I am still that person even if he feels like someone else entirely.
“No need to shout. You almost busted my eardrum,” I half joke to her.
She chuckles. I can imagine her rolling her eyes. “If I was there I would be slapping the back of your head so consider that as nothing,” she teases back but I know there’s some truth to it.
“Right,” I reply dryly. “What’s up? Everything okay?”
“I had my brother ignore me for a month so you tell me.”
Fuck.
I swallow again. “Listen, Nora-”
“I know you’re sorry, Ethan. I get it, okay. I do. I understand. But a text once a week wouldn’t kill you.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” I sincerely apologize to her. Hating that I’ve managed to let her down once again. “Besides me being an asshole, how are you?”
“I’m great.” The high pitch in her naturally raspy voice tells me otherwise.
Cutting past the bullshit I straight out ask her, “What’s wrong?”
She sighs into the phone. “Nothings wrong per se.”
“You’re talking in riddles, Nora. Is something wrong? Do I need to take care of anything for you?” I soften my voice to not sound abrupt.
She releases a breath and then she says, “I told mom I’m moving out.”
Oh fuck.
“She didn’t take it well.”
“No,” she huffs. “After what happened she wants me to live with her forever.” Nora told our mother about what happened to her. And since then mom took over as her protector. Mother hen would be putting it lightly. Mom became a warrior, protecting her like she’s the queen.
But Nora has been talking to me for quite some time about moving out. She’ll be twenty-six years old soon and wants to regain control of her life again.
“Where will you live?”
“That’s why I’ve been trying to get a hold of you. I wanted to talk to you before I made my final decision.”
“What are you thinking, Nor?”
She expels a breath before rushing out, “I want to move to Stonesville. And if I could live with Dani before I get my own place. We already talked about it.”
“Just to make sure, is moving here the best option for you?”
“It’s been eight years,” she sighs and I can feel it deep in my bones.
I don’t know all the affects from what happened to her but I know it took a toll on her mentally.
Eight years may seem like a long time but to her it can seem as if it just happened yesterday.
Trauma has a terrible way of reminding you even on your best day.
I know from experience. “And I’m tired that every time I visit I have this fear.
I’m not going to let my fear control me.
By moving there I’m facing it head on.” She sounds so sure, so confident that not even I can deny it.
And if she thinks she is ready who am I to say that she’s not?
Nora has always been a strong girl when we were younger.
It doesn’t surprise me how much she’s growing as a strong woman.
And it will be nice to have her around.
So I find myself easily agreeing. “Alright.”
“Alright?” She repeats with shocked hope.
A small smile appears on my face. If this will make her surer of herself and happy then how can I go against it? “Alright.”
She squeals and I have to pull the phone away from my ear. Snake raises an eyebrow and I mouth, Nora. He nods his head smiling.
“Do you need help moving your stuff?” I then ask her.
“I can always get movers.”
“Nora,” I say her name in warning, “I’m offering because I have no problem helping. In fact I’m insisting upon it.”
“Are you sure?” She questions doubtfully. “Because I know you don’t like being back home.”
“That’s not true,” I quickly deny yet my pulse skyrockets.
“Everyone here sees you as a war hero and you hate it.”
I swallow thickly, my skin beginning to prickle. “Because I’m not.”
“You might not see yourself as a hero anymore,” she begins softly, “but you’ll always be my hero.” Her words choke me. Suffocating me to the point where I can’t breathe. My chest begins to ache followed by the familiar burn.
“I have to go,” I reply gruffly. “Club business.”
“One day, brother, when I say that to you you’ll believe it again.”
“One day,” I repeat full well knowing that the one day she’s talking about will never come. And if her sigh is any indication she already knows what I’m thinking.
“Love you.” That does bring a small smile to my face. It even reaches my eyes causing them to melt the icy exterior.
“Love you, too,” I warmly reply before we both disconnect the call.
Stuffing the phone back in my pocket I turn to find Snake watching me with a smile on his face.
“What?”
“Nothing,” he replies innocently.
I raise a brow. “What, Snake?”
“See that you finally talked to Nora. Feel a little better, don’t you?”
Sometimes I hate it when he’s right. “Shut the fuck up.”
“I’m only going to say this because you need to hear it,” he starts seriously as I fold my arms across my chest, leveling him with a stare, “when you punish yourself it’s not just you you’re hurting.”
He’s right. I know that he’s right but when you’re on the path of self destruction it’s hard to see who you’re affecting.
“Have you always been this wise or does Alice bring it out in you?” I deflect with a joke. A tactic he himself used to use all the time.
He shakes his head tsking. “Can’t play me with one of my old tricks.” Then he takes his aviators off his face and places them on his shirt. “But I’ll let it slide because I want this club business done so I can get back and show Alice how much I missed her.” A deviant smirk crosses his face.
My face twists with mock disgust. “Some things I don’t need to know.”
“Don’t be a prude.”
“I’m not a prude.”
“When was the last time you even had sex?”
None of his fucking business. “You interested in my sex life, Snake?”
“No.”
“Then why are you asking?”
“Because I’m trying to prove a point,” he says matter of fact. “Must be a long time if you don’t want to tell me.”
I ignore him as we walk towards the club. Snake only snickers besides me which causes my jaw to twitch.
The last time I had a girl in my bed I swore to myself I would never let another one in it again. I’ve had other women after Lana. Only a few, four to be exact.
I’ve only had sex with five women in my thirty-four years of existence.
I’m not ashamed of it.
I know some men would look at that number and laugh. But those men aren’t men. Women aren’t supposed to be visualized as sexual objects. They’re bodies are meant to be worshipped. Handled with care and respect.
And despite popular belief I have to have a connection with someone before I make that connection.
Do I consider myself a prude? No. I just consider myself a man who craves intimacy with the right partner.
But after the last time I had a woman in my bed I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have the intimacy I crave.
It’s holding someone throughout the night without the nightmares taking control. Waking up and recognizing where I am instead of thinking I’m back overseas. Having someone lay besides me and not wake up thinking they’re a target.
Because the last women who spent the night in my bed woke up never wanting to return to it again.
Never again will I bring a woman to my bed. Not when I don’t have control over my own self.