Chapter 9 Oak #3
The air automatically shifts like it always does when she's near.
When the silence becomes too loud and I'm tired of fighting this war inside my head I ask her, "You really love him don't you?" Her eyes haven't left Connor.
She smiles softly, giving me another beautiful image to store when my mind goes south. "I don't think love is a sufficient enough word to use for what I feel for him."
"I know what you mean," I reply, my voice low.
Her eyes finally leave Connor and spare a glimpse at me.
I can see the questions circling in her eyes.
Wondering if I am referring to Lana. The woman who I had told her I loved and then she decided to give that love to someone else.
I put those questions at ease when I clarify, "I would do anything for my sister without any hesitation and with no regret. "
And it's the gods honest fucking truth.
There isn't a single day that goes by where I regret what I had done.
I killed for her and I would do it again.
Even if the feds dig deep enough to uncover that and use it against me I don't care.
That fucker deserved far worse than death for what he did to her.
"You understand."
I nod my head. "I do."
Her eyes return to Connor but they're different. They hold fear. "I always worry about failing him. And that one day he'll grow to resent me."
"I don't think that's possible."
She smiles at me but it's weak. "It could happen. I try everyday, you know? I try so hard to give him a better life than what I had growing up. But there are things I can't do for him."
"What isn't there you can't do?"
"So fucking much. I want a future for him, Oak.
One that doesn't involve living in Hollows Point.
I want him to have a mother that loves him.
One when he comes home and doesn't have to worry if she is high on the couch.
I want him away from it all. And I am trying so hard to make it happen but I keep hitting a brick wall.
" There's a sadness in her sky blue eyes.
It breaks my heart and twists my insides.
I saw at first hand when I was protecting the both of them their mother's terrible addiction. And even worse her nonexistent behavior. She didn't care about Connor. She didn't care about Grace. The only thing that woman cared about was what vein would she use.
And it did something to me, seeing that.
And I haven't been the same since.
Because I wanted to do more. Stay with them longer. Protect them both. Save them, if that is even possible for a man like me to do anymore.
"You're not making any progress in gaining custody?
" The last that I had heard she wasn't financially stable enough to support Connor.
Which is a load of bullshit if you ask me because she's the one who has been taking care of him his whole life.
The fact that their mother still has custody of him over her shows just how much the system is fucked.
"No," she says defeatedly. "Steven says I need to make a higher income. I also need to find a place of my own." She sucks in her lower lip as her eyes turn glassy. The ache in my heart intensifies. Eyes as pretty as hers should never cry.
"And finding a place of your own would leave Connor alone with your mother."
She smiles at me but it's pained. I've never really seen it before. The breaks in her heart that are holding on by a damn thread. The sorrow buried deep behind those eyes. Her spirit beaten, battered and bruised.
All her pain she keeps hidden in plain sight.
Just. Like. Me.
The differences are hers aren’t deserved and mine are.
"I can't take him with me because then it would be considered kidnapping." She shakes her head and as she does one lone tear falls down her cheek. "It's so fucked, Oak."
My thumb comes to her cheek and I wipe away the tear with a gentle touch.
She turns her head slightly and looks at me with those pained filled eyes that are reminiscent of mine.
And I want to do everything in my power to take it away.
Her eyes stay on mine unmoving but her body shifts closer to mine.
Magnets.
Unable to break the magnetic field, the force too strong, I shift closer to her, too.
Her eyes widen, the sorrow disappears as my palm cups the side of her face. She intakes a sharp breath while my thumb tenderly strokes her cheek.
She leans into my touch. Her body releasing all the tension.
"That faith that you have in me," I begin softly, "don't forget to have that same faith in yourself."
"I think I just need to be reminded sometimes," she admits with a whisper.
I lower my head to where I'm more at eye level with her. "I'll remind you everyday."
"Then that means you won't ever be able to avoid me." She tries to joke but I don't miss the serious undertone.
"Can I tell you something, Grace?" She nods her head leaning closer towards me without even realizing it. "I don't want to."
"I don't want you to either."
There's that pull again. Wanting to draw me closer.
My eyes flick down to her lips.
So soft. So full. Delectable.
Maybe if I allow myself one kiss. If I allow myself to give into temptation. To give into her.
One kiss.
Her breathing picks up as I notice the rise and fall of her chest. Her breasts straining against the fabric of her shirt. Her nipples visible for me to see.
The apples of her cheeks are flushed and her pupils are dilated with desire.
And I can bet my entire life that my eyes mirror her own.
One kiss, I keep saying it to myself as I lower my head. My lips coming dangerously closer to hers.
I close my eyes as I breathe her in. The ever so familiar scent of jasmine filling my nostrils.
"Oak," she says my name in a breathy plea. One that calls to me. Makes my blood run hot and my cock press hard and heavy against my pants.
I want nothing more than to feel my lips pressed against hers. To swallow her moans and cries with my mouth. To taste her the way I have always imagined.
I want her.
I want her so fucking much.
But I can't.
Jude will never be able to kiss his wife again.
Miguel will never be able to kiss his mother on the cheek.
Isaac will never be able to finally have the family that he always wanted.
Darius will never be able to carry on the family name because it died with him.
And Roman. . .Roman will never be able to experience the love he never fucking had.
So I can't.
I can't give into temptation.
I can't give into her.
Because with Grace it will never be just one fucking kiss.
It will be a future.
And that's something I don't deserve.
A heavy sigh filled with too much emotion to unpack leaves my lips and it breaks the magnetic pull that was drawing us in.
"Oak," she says my name again except this time it's like she's trying to reach me.
Not being able to look at her I keep my eyes closed.
I swallow hard, my mouth gone dry. Guilt weighing me down and tearing up my insides.
Then I feel her hands upon my skin. Her soft hands gently cupping my face. "Don't do this."
"Grace." I finally open my eyes and immediately want to close them. Because when I look in her eyes I see the wild desperation and longing.
I go to pull away from her but her hands cup my face harder. And I can easily break her hold but deep down I know that I don't want to.
I want her hands on me knowing that I shouldn't.
"I'm not going to let you pull away from me."
God damn. That sheer strength. Her strong will. That damn heart on her sleeve.
She's an unstoppable force.
But I'm an immovable object.
What will happen if we ever meet?
I can't let us find out.
"I'm not pulling away, Grace." It's a lie and we both know it.
"You can't lie to me in the same breath as you call me Grace."
"So I'm back to Gracie Mae once again?"
"Why are you doing this?" She asks me vehemently. "Why is it every time you find yourself getting close you pull away?"
"Grace. . ." I'm at a loss for words. What can I say when she's right?
"You aren't alone, Oak." Her eyes are begging me. Those beautiful eyes welling with tears for me.
"It's not about that."
"But isn't it?" She challenges. "You think this war you're fighting is yours alone. It's not. I'm here to fight with you. Whatever it is you are fighting against I will be on your side."
A heavy weight presses down on my chest. The aching burn worsening in my lungs. My mouth is dry and my throat too fucking tight.
My jaw clenches as my muscles turn to stone.
And I can feel the tears press at the back of my eyes yet I hold them back.
Her hands frame my face tenderly. I have to will myself to not melt in her hands.
"There is beauty in living, Oak." The air knocks out of my lungs. As if that wasn't enough she then promises me, "I'll show you how each day is a gift and not the curse you're making it to be."
My whole body wracks as if I've taken a massive blow. Her hand having a vice grip on my heart and refusing to let go no matter how much it pains me.
She needs to let go.
"Believe me, Grace, you don't want to be fighting on my side," I begin, my tongue heavy. "People who fight alongside me never survive. I'm not doing this to hurt you. Hurting you has never been my intention and I swear by that. I'm only protecting you."
The tears well in her eyes and she shakes her head sadly.
"No," she murmurs. Squeezing her eyes shut she holds back the tears but by doing so one escapes.
She wipes it away before I have the chance to.
Then she stares up at me and I can't look away.
Even when she's furious at me she's beautiful. "You're only protecting yourself."
Then she lets me go. She lets me go and walks away from me towards her brother who is taking in the view of the waterfall by the wooden rail.
She pulls him in for a side hug and he hugs her back.
I am protecting her. I'm protecting Connor, too.
They deserve a future. A far better one than I'll ever give them.