Chapter 24 Oak #2
“I was conflicted,” I admit for the first time.
I’ve never told anyone on how I felt about it but rather what I should’ve done.
“We were about to enter a territory we had no authorization on. A building we hadn’t been briefed on and one that hadn’t been scoped.
We would be going against our orders, defying our command, and potentially risking our career as Marines.
” I had wanted to say no, that we had done our mission and we were out of there.
But I couldn’t. As much as I wanted to I couldn’t have knowingly walked away when there was more lives to save.
“But?”
“But if there were more kids being held hostage, possibly with bombs strapped to them, I couldn’t walk away from that.
I knew it before Miguel had convinced Jude.
I knew it before Darius, Isaac, and Roman wanted to push ahead.
No matter how they all felt it ultimately fell on me.
I was the one who made the final decision. ”
“And you decided to push forward.”
“Yeah,” I bite out, my body locked with tension. “I decided for us to move forward.”
“What happened, Oak?” Her voice is soft, gentle like a feather. And it’s such a stark contrast to the ice cold rage that’s causing my muscles to harden.
“Jude breached the door like he always does,” I begin, my voice gruff through clenched teeth.
“I signaled for us to go ahead. We always followed my signal. The building was two floors with multiple rooms. The kids could’ve been held at gunpoint or strapped with bombs in any one of those rooms. They could’ve been placed together or separated throughout the building. ”
“Were they separated?”
I breathe through my nose. “I don’t know.”
“You didn’t find them?”
My lungs deflate as my heart stops beating. “No.”
Because as soon as Jude breached the doors, the wood splintering around us we were met on the other side with gunfire.
“I’m sorry, Oak. I’m so sorry.” She sounds heartbroken. I look down at her to find tears glistening in her eyes like diamonds.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” I say gruffly. “You aren’t at fault for anything.”
She leans back to look at me, to really look at me, and when her eyes widen and her face falls I know she’s found what I let no one else see. “Please don’t tell me that you think it’s your fault.”
Not able to look at her I focus my eyes behind her on the cream painted wall.
My body has gone incredibly stiff, my muscles feel as if they are about to snap at any second.
Here is where my nightmares always begin.
“After I signaled for us to go through the door we were ambushed.” God, my throat feels too fucking tight, like something is blocking my airway to breathe.
My finger starts to rapidly twitch against her thigh but I can’t stop even if I tried.
My body feels as if its out of my control.
“No escape. No protection. No back up. There was only one way out, Grace. And the way out was death.”
“Oak.” My name is a broken whimper on her lips.
Yet still, I can’t bring myself to look at her. I can’t see the tears that I know are running free down her cheeks. I can’t see the empathy. It’s taking everything in me to simply hold her right now because these hands of mine don’t deserve to hold something as pure and good as her.
“It was a bloodbath, Grace. The kind you see in movies that you don’t think can be real.
” I press back the tears and fight the large lump sitting at the base of my throat.
“And their screams.” My voice breaks. I fucking break.
A tear slips down my face. “Their screams were louder than the bullets raining down on us. I heard their screams for weeks, Grace. It was a constant ring in my ear. And their faces. . .” A broken growl that sounds more like a sob rips from my throat.
“They were terrified. So fucking terrified. Their eyes kept searching for a way out as they were bleeding out on the floor. They kept searching and searching until they finally landed on me. All their eyes landed on me. They wanted a way out, Grace. They wanted me to give them an answer. But I couldn’t.
I fucking couldn’t do shit.” More tears fall down my face as I feel my heart being ripped to shreds.
I wanted to save them.
Miguel, Isaac, Roman, Jude and Darius.
I wanted to save all of those kids who were being held hostage.
I wanted us to make it out alive.
But we didn’t.
They didn’t survive.
The kids didn’t survive.
Only I did.
And I don’t know how to live with that.
I don’t know how to make sense of it.
“I was choking on my own blood,” I tell her grimly , my voice rough from my tears.
“I couldn’t move. Could hardly breathe. My body was fighting for my life when all I wanted to do was fight for theirs.
” I would have given anything to die with them.
For them to not suffer such a cruel death alone.
“I can remember their last breaths. It’s forever burned in my head.
I saw the life leave their eyes. And. I. Couldn’t. Do. Anything.”
“Oak-”
“Don’t, Grace.” I stop her before she has the chance to redeem me in her eyes.
I don’t deserve it. “I failed them. I shouldn’t have pushed for us to go ahead.
I should’ve stuck to the mission and they would be alive.
They would be here, Grace. But they’re not.
And that’s on me. Their deaths are my fault. ”
She grabs my face in her hands and forces me to look at her. I do but my eyes are as hard as glaciers. My jaw flexes from her touch.
Her eyes stare into mine with such strength and determination, with a fierceness I’ve never seen from her before. “It wasn’t your fault.”
I bite back the dark laugh that wants to break free. “Yes, it was.”
“No, it wasn’t,” she disagrees fiercely. “What happened was a tragedy but it was a tragedy you didn’t cause.”
My nostrils flare as I stare down at her. “Did you not hear what I just said?” I seethe.
“I heard every word, Oak. You’re not the person you are making yourself out to be.”
“And what’s that?”
“You’re not a bad man, Oak. You’re not,” she says adamantly.
And I want to believe her, I do, but I can’t. Not when I’m feeling like this. Flayed open and raw. Broken into a million fucking pieces, scrambling with bloody fingers to piece myself back together.
It’s all suffocating me.
I can smell the gunpowder in the air. I can taste the metallic heavy in my mouth. I see their faces before me.
Before I get dragged into the dark abyss, afraid that I might take Grace with me, I remove her from my lap a bit more forceful than I would like.
My chest heaves as I try to draw in air.
Fuck.
Fuck!
Feeling out of control I rise from the chair and put as much distance between us. I tuck myself away in the corner of the bedroom with my shoulders plastered to the wall.
Around me I can see the smoke from the residual of the rifles filling the space. Squeezing my eyes shut I see them all looking at me for a way out of it.
Oh god.
No.
No!
“I did this to them.” My voice rises as I slap my hand against my chest. I open my eyes and find Grace in the middle of the room slowly approaching me like I’m a wild hurt animal. “I did! Me! I killed them!” I slap my hand harder against my chest until I feel the sting against my palm.
She shakes her head, eyes steady and calm on mine. Her voice is even and gentle as she says, “It wasn’t your fault. They all decided to push ahead, Oak.”
My face twists with anguish. My heart feels like it’s being torn from my chest. “But I made the final decision. I could’ve said no.”
“You could have,” she agrees, “but that’s not what they wanted, Oak. They wanted to save those kids. And you did too.”
I squeeze my eyes shut again as I see them lying on the ground, their blood pooling around them.
Fuck, I can’t do this.
“Oak,” she calls my name softly. “I need you to breathe.” By the sound of her voice I can tell she has gotten closer. And when she instructs, “Just breathe with me, okay?” I know that she’s managed to close the distance I created between us.
“I should have saved them, Grace!” I shout as my breaths come out in pants. God, I can’t fucking breathe. “I should have have died with them!”
“Come on,” she encourages me softly. “One long breath in and one long exhale.” I do as she says and take one long ragged breath in that burns my fucking lungs and release the shakiest exhale.
“It’s okay. You’re with me. Everything is okay.
” I then feel her hand close around mine that I have fished against my shirt right above my heart.
I smell her scent, jasmine, as she closes the distance between us.
And I feel her lips press softly against my hand.
“Open your eyes and look at me, Oak. You’re not in Iraq.
You’re here. With me. You’re here, with me, right where you belong. ”
And that’s when I fucking break.
Because ever since I’ve been home I’ve never once felt like I belonged to be here.
I crash down to the floor with my head in my hands as hot tears stream endlessly down my face.
Needing her to anchor me to the present I wrap my arms around her and pull her to me. I bury my face against her stomach and hold onto her desperately, fiercely.
Her hands run through my hair soothingly. She stands strong before me. A pillar of strength as I break apart from my guilt and sorrow.
And for the first time in almost ten years I allow myself to grieve.