Chapter 27 Oak
Oak
“Does it make me a bad person that sometimes I wish when mom did her heroin that she would get a bad batch and finally leave us in peace?” The question from Connor, a freshly turned twelve year old boy, both startles me and saddens me.
For a boy of such young age he’s suffered more than what a grown man can handle.
Part of me blames Hollows Point for giving this kid the cards he’s been dealt. But it isn’t so much to blame but the rolling and tumbling snowball of tragic events.
His life would be so much worse, much more tragic, if Grace hadn’t planted herself in the path of tragedy. She’s not only her brother’s shield, but she also serves as his sword.
And no matter how beaten down she is, shield cracked, sword dull, she’ll still find the strength, even with her last breath to continue fighting.
“I think you’re angry,” I choose my words carefully, and I keep my voice as even as I can. “And I think you feel a great amount of pain but I don’t actually think you want your mother dead.”
His eyes harden. “I can’t help but think sometimes that life would be easier if she was.”
I don’t have the right words to say to him because I can’t tell him that what he’s feeling is wrong. He has every right to feel the anger he has towards his mother. He has even more right to feel the pain that I know must cripple him.
“Have you talked about this with your sister?”
He shakes his head, his shaggy hair moving with the motion. “Grace still has hope that mom will be better.”
“And you don’t.”
Connor sighs then, a heavy sigh that slumps his shoulders and peaks the glimpse of frustration he has. “Mom has never been a mother. Not to me. And she doesn’t even try. With anything,” he says bitterly.
Connor holds more resentment than I thought he did.
I honestly believe the real reason Connor hates his mother has nothing do with not being one, but for making his sister suffer all the pain and taking away her childhood.
I ruffle his hair, an act I see Grace do with him often. He smiles and ducks away from me before I can mess it up more.
“You know,” he begins, the smile staying on his face, “I never did thank you.”
My brows furrow. “For what?”
“Everything. You came into our life and brought us peace in the middle of war.”
His words steal the air from my lungs and pull on my frayed heartstrings. My tongue feels heavy in my mouth as emotion lodges itself in my throat. Tears, hot and heavy, burn as they press at the back of my eyes.
“You don’t have to thank me,” I say roughly.
“But I do, and not just because my sis has always told me to tell those what I’m feeling. I’m telling you because I think you need to hear all the good that you do. I’m telling you because I hope Grace and I bring you peace, too.”
Oh fuck.
I feel as if I’m being torn apart yet being put back together all at once. And it’s almost too much to fucking handle.
A pair of arms wrap around me as his face presses up against my chest. More tears fall from my eyes as I wrap my arms around the little guy.
“You both bring me peace, too. More than you’ll ever know,” I tell him, my voice gruff.
And as I say it, a small part me, although albeit, can’t help but feel guilty as I do.
But that’s the part of me I still have to work on.
“You love her, don’t you?” Connor asks, loosening his arms around me to look me in the eyes. I wipe away the rest of my tears.
“Yeah, I do.”
My love for Grace is something I can’t deny no longer.
I love her so fucking much that my heart aches.
I love her so much that I don’t feel the need to endure the pain I inflicted upon myself.
I love her with my every breath.
She’s the woman I can’t live without.
The shattered pieces of my heart she put back together.
Grace brought me back to life.
I’m just terrified, so fucking terrified to hear the proclamation come from her lips.
Because what if one day, after all the battles we have fought, all my faults and bad days, it will cause that love to admit defeat and leave me alone on the battle field.
“Have you told her?” He asks innocently after we both let go of each other.
I shake my head. “I haven’t.” Because I’m too fucking scared. Can’t exactly say that to him, though.
“You should tell her,” he says encouragingly with a small smile on his face. As if it’s that easy. And I suppose it is, just not for me.
“I will.” And I will. One day. When I know that I’ll be able to hear the words back without my mind wanting to self-destruct.
Connor, however, seems appeased, and returns to watching arguably the best Star Wars movie, Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes back.
I glance down at my watch, the face on my inner wrist, and see that it’s close to Grace’s shift ending.
Since we are at the house and not the trailer I feel marginally better with leaving Connor here. It’s still not the best scenario, and the major part of me screams to tag him along.
But Connor has assured me that he’s safe. Way safer than when he would have to lock himself in his room at the trailer because of their mom.
One thing Hollows Point does is rob the kids of their youth.
“You call me the minute something seems off, you understand?” I tell him in a tone that leaves no arguing.
He nods his head and pulls out his phone to sit on his lap. “You’re on my favorite contact list. But I’ll be fine. I can handle myself.”
“I have no doubts about that, champ,” I tell him and then add, “but it’s better to be safe than sorry.”
“I know,” he agrees easily. I’m sure he’s heard this talk over a million of times with his sister.
Nodding my head at Connor I give him one more ruffle to his hair. He smiles brightly before ducking away and playfully punching me in the gut.
As I go to grab the keys to my bike I hear the rumbling of a car outside of the driveway as headlights appear through the front window.
Knowing Grace still has an hour and half left of her shift and she hasn’t contacted me I look at Connor and place my finger over my lips for him to keep quiet. He pauses the movie and sits incredibly still.
I hear the car door shut the same time I peek through the front window’s blinds.
And as soon as I see her everything inside me comes alive.
“Is it my sister?” Connor asks innocently.
Dropping the blind that was held up by my finger I turn to him and raise my brow. “How did you know that?”
“Because you’re different when she’s around.”
Interest piqued I ask, “How?”
“Your body relaxes,” he explains. “And anyone who can see knows you’re in love with her. You go soft, you know. Heart eyes and everything.”
“You should really think about being a detective when you grow up,” I say to him, impressed at his skills on reading body language.
“I actually want to be a doctor.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” His smile turns shy as his cheeks turn crimson. “I want to be able to take away people’s sufferings. Help them with pain. Hopefully give people happiness.”
“That’s very noble, Connor.”
He shrugs. “My sister does it without being a doctor. I just want to touch as many people’s lives as I can.”
In his eyes you can tell he loves his sister with that fierce intensity she has for him. And you can also see that he sees her as his very own hero. One who he admires and is inspired by.
He’s not the only one.
Because Grace is my hero, too.
Before she can unlock the front door I open it for her.
And immediately I can sense something is off.
I peer down at her, perusing the features on her face. Her complexion is pale, as if someone gave her a good fright. Her bottom lip is raw from her teeth having gnawed on them, a habit she does when she’s stressed or nervous.
Her eyes, those sky blue eyes aren’t as bright. No, they’re drowning in fear and worry.
Her body is stiff and when she finally looks up at me the smile she offers me is strained.
Wrapping my arm around her lower back I pull her in the house, lock the door behind her, and ask, “What’s wrong?”
“There’s something wrong?” Connor’s voice bleeds concern and I mentally curse myself for getting the little guy involved before Grace had the chance to prevent it.
Her eyes cut behind me and I let her go without a second thought. She crosses the room with a sluggish gait to Connor.
Kneeling in front of him on the sofa she takes his hand and gives him the most heartfelt smile with soft eyes. “Nothing is wrong, champ. It was just a tiring night at work.”
Connor, however, doesn’t seem as easily convinced. “Are you sure? You’re not lying to me? You said we don’t lie to each other.”
Her shoulders tense and her smile wavers.
Fuck.
Something’s going on.
The unknown is killing me.
“I’m not lying,” she says to him but from the strain in her voice I know that she is. For me it’s impossible for her to hide. “It was a really long night.”
Connor studies her, trying to find the lie that I have already easily detected. And maybe Connor knows she’s lying too, but being the good brother he is he’ll let it slide for the night.
He then wraps his arms around her and pulls her in a tight hug. Grace hugs his frame tightly and I see the tear fall from her eye before she can blink it away.
My heart fucking breaks at the sight.
And I want to tear apart the person who caused a tear to shed from her beautiful eyes. I want to rip them apart piece by piece until they are unrecognizable.
She squeezes her eyes shut and as another tear falls it’s like a bullet hitting me straight in the chest.
Connor releases her and she bravely puts on a smile that’s shaky at best. “Time to go to bed now, champ. It’s past your bedtime.”
“I wanted to wait up for you.”
“And I’m glad that you did,” she says, her smile has more of her heart in it this time. Ruffling his hair she then says, “But the rules still stand. It’s after one in the morning and you need your rest.”
“So do you.” He then frowns and what he says next has my heart tearing in two. “I hate how you can’t.”
“Connor-”
“I know, I know.”
“Then say it.”
He sighs but it isn’t out of annoyance. “I’m the best thing to ever happen in your life.”
She kisses his forehead and pulls him in for another hug. Pulling back she grips his shoulders and looks him straight in the eyes. “Which means you don’t ever blame yourself; you hear me? I don’t want to hear those words.”
“But-”
She says firmly, “But nothing, Connor.”
He sighs heavily, hanging his head. When he looks up at her through his lashes I see the tears shimmering in his eyes. “That future I see for us,” he begins on a hoarse whisper, holding back the tears, “I wish it would come faster.”
“It’s coming, Connor,” Grace assures him in a soft tone. “I promise you it’s coming.”
He nods his head. His eyes then find mine and I’m paralyzed by what I see in them. Hope.
Backing away from his sister he walks over to me and before I can get out a word he wraps his arms around me the best that he can given my large build.
Wrapping my arm around the little guy I become choked with emotion.
“You’re a part of our future, Oak. I want you to know that you’re one of the best parts of it.”
Thousands of bombs go off inside me obliterating everything. The lump returns in my throat but this one ten times worse. Tears burn like flames at the back of my eyes.
“I’ll make sure you get that future you see, Connor,” I promise him. Pulling him back I kneel I front of him and look him straight in the eyes. “I’ll do whatever it takes.”
He smiles while his eyes look at me as if I’m a hero. “I believe you.”
I ruffle his hair again and his smile becomes wider. As I get back up I pat him lightly on the back. “Alright champ, you heard your sister. Time for bed. In the morning I’ll make breakfast for you.”
His eyes light up like a kid on Christmas. “Chocolate chip pancakes?”
“Chocolate chip pancakes.”
“Yes!” He fists pumps the air. “Alright, I’m headed to bed. Love you, Oak.”
My voice sounds strangled as I reply, “You too.”
Strolling away with more pep in his step and high spirits he gives his sister one final hug and tells her he loves her before finally heading to bed.
We stand on opposite sides of the room but as soon as we hear Connor’s bedroom door shut we both close the distance to each other.
Bending at the knee I wrap my arm around her lower back and hoist her up. Her arms automatically lock around my neck as her legs wrap around my back.
And I feel the all the tension leave her body as she melts against me. Her face is buried in the crook of my neck and I can feel her lips press the softest kiss on my skin.
I weave my fingers through her hair and cradle the back of her head. Then I press a kiss to the top of her head.
Her body relaxes further. My touch offering her solace.
“What’s wrong, baby?” I ask her in a soft tone.
She kisses my neck again before tangling her fingers in the ends of my hair. “I don’t want to tell you, Oak.” Her voice is muffled.
My brows furrow. “Why not? I can help you fix it, Grace. I promise you that.”
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.
Tilting her head back her eyes meet mine and I hate the sorrow I see in them. “Because I know what you’ll do and I don’t want you to.”
“Grace,” I say her name with as much emotion my heart has.
I then carry her over to the couch with her seated upon my lap.
Framing her face in my hands I plead to her, “Tell me what’s wrong, baby.”
She bites her lower lip worriedly. “Promise me something, Oak.”
“Whatever you want.” My response is immediate. I’ll promise her anything to return the light in her eyes.
“Promise me you won’t decide what to do without me.”
“I promise.”
Her fingers tighten in my hair and I feel the pull on my scalp. I let out a hiss between my teeth. “I mean it, big guy. You can’t decide without me.”
I pinch her chin between my index finger and thumb. Both of our eyes boring into one another’s. “I promise.”
“Okay,” she breathes. “This is a battle we fight together.”
“I hear you, Grace,” I tell her. “Now tell me what’s wrong.”
Her fingers around my hair loosen and I release her chin. I tuck away the wild strands of hair behind her ear before resting my palm on her ass.
“First,” she begins in a business-like tone, “you need to tell me why you didn’t tell me the FBI has a hard on for specifically you.”