Chapter 45 Oak
Oak
Her smile is encouraging and I love her all the more for it. My unstoppable force propelling me to move forward. “I’m proud of you.”
I swallow thickly. “I haven’t even rang the doorbell yet.”
Another firm squeeze of my hand. “But you’re here, Oak. And that takes all the courage in the world.”
Grace, my loving woman who despite everything remains to be optimistic. My woman who sees the glass half full even when it’s fucking empty.
“You give me far too much credit.”
“I don’t think you give yourself enough.”
“I don’t think I’m ready for this.” It’s the fear talking. The fear of rejection. The fear of seeing hatred, and worse, disappointment in the eyes of someone I could never bear to see.
She frames my face in both of her hands. “You are, Oak. And I’m here by your side, always.”
I wrap my arms around her, bounding her in a steel embrace that has her front plastered to mine. My eyes fall as I angle my head down, inhaling the jasmine scent from her hair. “I love you, Grace.”
She smiles up at me, a warm smile that lights up every cell in my body and makes me feel as if I’m her entire world. “I love you, too, big guy.”
I allow myself another moment of peace in her arms. When I finally feel as if I’m ready to face the battle that lies ahead of me I let her go, but keep my hand clasped in hers.
With her hand in mine we take the three steps up the front porch that I’ve crossed most of my life. Steps I walked upon as a child. Steps I walked upon as a young boy before he turned into a young man.
I stop just a hairbreadth away from the pale yellow door that was once more vibrant than the sun.
“You can do this, Oak,” she says softly to me. I swallow roughly. “I have faith in you, always.”
I tighten my hand around hers. It soothes me just as much as her sweet words, maybe even more.
My hand shakes as I bring it up to the doorbell. I exhale an even shakier breath.
Fear.
I had thought I had conquered that as a Marine.
Grace takes my hand with hers and brings it to the doorbell, then the both of us press it, and my breath catches in my throat.
The sound of the doorbell ringing is louder than a bomb. It ricochets through my chest.
An opening of a door shouldn’t be climactic but to me it is. Rejection or acceptance lies on the other end of that door. Love or disappointment. Forgiveness from the one who I should’ve never wronged.
And even if I am at peace, I know I’ll never be right without what lies behind that door.
As the door opens wide I see her frame filling the space. All I hear is a sharp cry of a gasp before arms are thrown around me and the wetness of tears collect on my cut.
“My dear, dear boy,” she sobs and I feel it wrack her entire frame. Her fingers bury themselves in my shoulder blade as she holds me as tightly as she can. “I’ve waited for so long.”
And finally, the fear that had paralyzed me has vanished. I wrap my arms around her, embracing her with an intensity that rivals the strength of steel yet with all the love and care in the world. “Mom,” I croak and I feel her tears fall harder against my chest.
Perhaps the greatest punishment I have ever inflicted upon myself was denying the love and warmth of my mom.
I denied her a son, because I had taken away a son from every mom on my team.
Ten years I’ve wasted. I don’t want to waste my life away anymore.
Eyes, the same shade of icy blue as mine, hold tears as she looks up at me.
She then frames my face in her older frail hands and I’m reminded of being a young boy once again.
Her lips are a quivering smile. “My dear sweet boy, you’re really here.
” Her voice is filled with wonder and choked with tears.
I hold my hands over hers. “I’m really here, mom.” Tears of my own fall as I choke out, “And I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done. For all that I’ve done to you.”
My mom leans up and presses a kiss to my cheek. Her eyes are hard and unyielding on mine. “Don’t apologize, dear. I know the torment you inflicted upon yourself. A war you didn’t want to win. But my dear boy, you’ve suffered long enough.”
“I wish I would’ve realized sooner. I wish-”
“We can wish upon all the stars in the world my boy, but it won’t change a thing.
The good thing, the most beautiful thing, is you realize now that grief isn’t about punishment.
It took you time, and for a second I had thought that I lost my son for good,” she pauses, losing the battle of fighting back the tears, “but I knew, I always knew you would see the clearing. And once you did you would be struck with a clarity.”
“I see it now, mom. I see the peace I thought would never come. And I found myself a love I thought I wasn’t worthy of. A love that taught me how to heal. A love that taught me how to live.”
She smiles up at me so proudly. “Love heals all wounds, my boy. I’ve always told you that. Love is the strongest weapon we have, and we will do anything to keep it.”
“I’m sorry for continuously disappointing you all these years. But know I’m never going to disappoint you again.”
“You’ve never disappointed me. Not once in your life have you disappointed me. I’ve just missed you, my boy. I’ve missed you terribly.”
“I’ve missed you, too.” We embrace once again, tears falling on both of our ends.
She presses another kiss to my cheek, her eyes marveling up at me. Then, she peers over my shoulder and her eyes widen with glee. Letting me go she closes the short distance to the woman who has changed my life.
Because my mom has a heart of gold, and shares the same optimism as my woman, she welcomes Grace in her arms with a heartwarming smile. “You’re even more beautiful in person,” my mom gushes.
On cue, Grace’s skin flushes and her smile turns shy. “Thank you, Ms. Barrington.”
My mom rolls her eyes while smiling. “Nonsense, my dear girl. Call me, Annette, or Anne. And perhaps soon you can call me mom.” She winks at me and Grace’s face reddens further.
Even though my mom is teasing in a gentle way I have no reason to correct her.
One day I do plan on making Grace more than just my Old Lady.
One day my ring will be on her finger. One day she’ll carry my last name.
“It’s really wonderful to meet you, Anne,” my mom smiles brightly at her using her nickname, “you’ve raised the best man I know.”
When Grace says shit like that it makes my heart beat wildly in my chest. She makes me feel like I’m a God.
“I see he’s been a true gentleman to you, but I do sure hope my boy isn’t a gentleman all the time.” My mom winks at Grace and I groan from embarrassment.
“Mom.”
“Don’t ‘mom’ me, boy. I may be old but I was young once. And I’ve waited years for you to bring a girl home to me. And this one, this one I just know is the one.”
Not being able to withstand another second without her in my arms I pull her in front of me, flushing her back to my front and rest my hands on her hips. She melts against me like butter. And when she sighs with content I feel my heart swell.
“You’re wrong, mom.” My mom quirks an eyebrow at me. “She isn’t just the one, she’s everything.”
“Then you don’t know how happy I am that you found her.”
“She found me, mom. She found me.”
My mom’s eyes become misty once again. “Well then, welcome to the family, Grace. Now come inside, the both of you. I have so many photos of my dear boy to show you.” She takes Grace’s hands and leads her inside the house that was once my home.
As I follow behind them, hearing them both talking warmly with one another, I feel the rightness in my bones.
And we stay for hours. Reminiscing about my childhood. Mom telling embarrassing stories with even more embarrassing photos that Grace wants copies of to have as her own, I watch as Grace and my mom form a tight bond with one another. My mom gaining another daughter, my woman gaining a mother.
It’s beautiful. It’s bliss. It’s what life is about.
This is my world now. Grace is my world. And if anyone dares to threaten her I’ll kill them before they have the chance to act.