Epilogue – Oak
“My name is Oak and I used to serve for The United States Marines,” I begin, my voice a bit unsteady. I get a few “Oorah” from those who have also served.
Beads of sweat form at the nape of my neck as my finger twitches against my jean cladded thigh. Blood roars in my ears and for a terrifying second I feel myself slipping back to the past. I blink a couple of times, my heart pounding viciously in my chest, tongue like lead in my mouth.
I’m on the precipice of a PTSD attack, but before it can take ahold of me my eyes catch a flash of stainless steel on my finger.
My eyes become laser focused on the piece of jewelry attached to my left ring finger. A vintage stainless steel Templar Knight Sword and Shield ring Grace had given me.
The moment I got down on one knee and proposed, wanting to fight alongside with her for the rest of my life, my woman had a ring of her own. And I damn well wear it with pride.
I proposed six months after Snake and Alice’s wedding.
We aren’t married. Yet.
But as long as my ring is on her finger, which will be forever, her ring will be on mine.
As I stare at the sword and shield, what we are, I find it so much easier to breathe. I’m no longer being dragged back to my past. I’m here, in the present. I twirl the ring on my finger with a small fond smile. With this ring Grace will always be with me.
I clear my throat, having the strength to continue thanks to her.
My voice is steadier, my breaths even. “Next month will be twelve years since my brothers that I served with have died on mission. Twelve years and on some days, fewer now than once before, it feels as if it just happened yesterday.” My eyes cut across the room to the women and men nodding their heads in understanding.
There’s no pity, what I feared the most, just understanding.
“I find myself feeling guilty, forgetting about them. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
I found someone who loves me, who fights for me, fights with me, and I’m so fucking happy to be with her.
I find myself so fucking happy to be alive.
And it’ll hit me, like a slugger straight to the chest. I’m enjoying life, without them.
I’m living, without them. I’m going on, without them.
Everyday that I don’t think about them I feel like I’m betraying them.
Those days are fewer now, the ones where I feel the guilt crushing me.
I know punishing myself isn’t honoring them.
But some days, some days I feel like I’ve made two steps forward and taken five steps back. ”
Silence ensues the room but not the heavy kind. It’s the understanding kind. There’s a comradely in the pain we share. The same comradely we shared with our brothers in arms.
Jerry, the leader of the group, the very same man who was my contractor, clears his throat.
All our eyes turn to him. “We all feel the remorse, the guilt, the sorrow of the ones we had to leave behind. It’s not easy, moving on.
It never is.” A few hums of agreement come from the circle.
“We never forget them, even if we think that we are. They’re always here.
” He pats at his chest, where his heart beats underneath.
“Our hearts will never allow us to forget them. And as for you, son, living is honoring them. Being happy, is honoring them. They aren’t here, and it’s a damn fucking shame, but you are.
And it’s a fucking blessing that you are.
” Tears gather behind my eyes as I swallow back a lump in my throat.
I nod my head at him and he nods back. He addresses the group again, “There’s a hole we can dig for ourselves.
A hole that can become home if we let it.
But we have to remember we our worth more than that.
We deserve more than that. We deserve to be free.
We deserve to have peace. And that hole we find ourselves digging isn’t the peace and freedom we fought so courageously for. So what do we do?”
“We fight,” we all say in unison.
“And why do we all fight?” Jerry commands.
“Because we don’t know how to lose.”
Jerry nods his head. All of us nod our heads back.
A saying Grace and I say to each other I brought up in group because I knew it would help all of us. Now, it’s something we say at the end of every meeting.
Jerry rises from his chair and we all follow his lead like we were trained to.
Some things, the respect, just don’t go away.
“I’ll be seeing you all again Thursday night.
Until then, don’t raise too much hell.” He winks at the end.
A few break out a small chuckle while others shuffle out of the meeting remaining silent.
I don’t judge. I remember how silent I was.
It’s not easy being vulnerable. But I find it being the easiest with Grace.
After a few slaps on the shoulder from some of the group I help Jerry fold up the metal chairs for the night.
In between stacking the chairs he asks me, “So, have you decided on a date yet?”
I stack the five chairs I’ve carried over and tell him with a smile, “Not yet but there’s no rush. I already know I have her forever. Whenever she wants the big day to be, that’s when it’ll be.”
Jerry smiles at me, a proud one. And god, it makes me feel proud, too. “How’s Connor doing?”
My mouth widens to a full blown smile with a chuckle. “He’s great. Might give Grace gray hair young with how much he wants to ride a bike, but he’s doing good.”
“I’m glad everything worked out for you, son. I know it wasn’t easy, but I’m happy for you.” Jerry smiles at me and I see the glassiness in his brown eyes.
I stack the final three chairs and meet him over by the coffee machine. He pours himself his third cup of the night. “You were right, you know.”
He snickers before taking a gulp of his coffee. “I usually am. What was it about this time?”
“You told me I had to let someone in,” I remind him. He nods his head, taking another gulp of his coffee. “If I hadn’t of let Grace in I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be the man I am today. So, I thank you.”
He sets his coffee down on the makeshift table and lays his hand on my shoulder.
He peers up at me with firm yet caring eyes.
“I’ve lost too many people not in battle but because of it.
You thought the fight was over but you had so much left of it inside you.
It took letting the right person in for you to see that.
You keep her in, you hear. Even when the days get fucking tough and you feel the guilt and you feel depressed you don’t shut her out.
You keep her in and let her fight for you when you become too weak.
She’s your strength, you hear. And we all need strength, son. ”
I swallow. “I hear you loud and clear.”
He pats me on the shoulder. “Good.” Returning to his coffee he asks me over the lip, “Can I be the officiant of this wedding when you get a date?”
My eyes widen in surprise. “Really?”
“It would be an honor, son. A real god damn honor.”
I clap him on the shoulder before pulling him in for a hug, careful of his coffee mug. The old man throws an arm around me. “We would love that.” I release him and I swear I see him blink back a tear. And who said Marines weren’t emotional fucks? “I’ll give you the date as soon as I know.”
“I’m real proud of you, Oak. You’ve come a long way.” His praise is like sun on my skin.
“I still have a lot further to go.”
He smirks. “We all do.” Clearing his throat he then says, “Now go on home to that fiancée of yours. A woman like her shouldn’t be waiting too long.”
I nod my head smiling like a fucking loon. “Yes, sir.”
Our support group meetings are at night. They start at eight o’clock and end around ten. By the time I finish helping Jerry with the chairs and make the trip back home it’s usually close to eleven or a little after.
Tonight is no different.
I pull up in our driveway on my bike a little after eleven. Grace, Connor and I have a three bedroom home with a two car garage and a nice backyard with a fence.
Our dog, or should I really say Connor’s because the labradoodle has taken with him the most, loves running in the backyard. For Christmas last year I finally got him the present he’s always seen in his future, a dog named Chewbacca.
The boy cried and so did Grace and me.
Ever since the two have been inseparable.
Unlocking the front door I quietly shut and lock it behind me.
To no surprise I find my gorgeous fiancée waiting up for me on the couch in the family room. The tv is on low and some romantic comedy is playing.
The tv is long forgotten when she sees me enter the room.
Despite how tired I know she must be her face lights up like the Fourth of July. And it happens every time I come home. She’s always fucking ecstatic to see me.
Bouncing off the couch and right into my arms she nuzzles her face in the crook of my neck. I inhale the sweet scent of jasmine and peace overcomes me.
“One of these days you’re going to listen to me and wait up for me in bed,” I say softly to her.
She smiles against my neck. Pulling back she replies cheekily, “Then how will I get those punishments I love so much?”
I palm her ass in my hand, giving it a firm squeeze before slapping it.
Her legs wrap around me tighter as she lets out a breathy moan.
God, she’s so fucking perfect.
I press a kiss to the tip of her nose and then brush my lips against her mouth as I tell her, “Made for me. You were fucking made for me.”
Her lips capture mine in a sweet and tender kiss. I let her take the lead for only a moment. Then, my tongue is plunging in her mouth and her body is writhing with need against my own.
Kissing Grace is a necessity. I swear I need to taste her lips more than I need to fucking breathe.
“Where’s Connor?” I ask her in between our kiss, before things get too hot and heavy, before we combust right here in the open.
She replies between our kiss, “In his room with Chewbacca.”