CHAPTER FIFTY
My breath stilled in my lungs. No.
He kissed me and I went pliant against him, reaching out to grab his tunic so that I would have something to hold on to. We kissed until we were both having difficulty breathing. I felt his heart galloping under my hand.
Jason pulled back and rubbed his nose against mine, such a familiar and sweet gesture that I was melting all over again.
I pledge to you my whole heart. My entire soul. Every part of my being already belongs to you. Ask for anything and it is yours.
It was simultaneously the most wonderful and the worst thing I d ever heard.
Wonderful, because it was everything I d ever wanted from him.
Terrible, because I knew he didn t mean it.
This wasn t real. He wasn t here. I was only imagining his words.
He didn t speak actual words of love.
And if we had been awake and he d said it, I wouldn t have believed him then, either. He wasn t the sort of man who could be faithful to just one woman.
It was what I wanted him to say, but it was not how the real Jason actually felt.
We were made for each other, he said. Can t you feel it? The goddess herself blesses us.
Imaginary Jason had taken it one step too far. No. She doesn t. She has made me promise to stay away from you. And with good reason. You would break my heart, shatter my soul, if I allowed myself to return the feelings you claim to have.
He drew back, his hands falling away from me, even though our legs were still intertwined. Do you really believe that?
Of course I do. I sealed my vow to her with my blood and fire. He was missing the point, though. But even if I hadn t made an oath, I could never be with a man like you.
While I thought he might be offended, instead his handsome face broke into a smile. A man like me? Why not? He sounded both delighted and confused.
I imagined not many women refused him the way that I just had. Especially not after he d made that sort of emotional confession. Because you re a philanderer.
His eyes danced. What makes you say that?
You do. With your own words.
He shrugged one shoulder, as if it were unimportant. The past doesn t matter. Only here and now. And there hasn t been any other woman for me since I first laid eyes on you.
Oh, how I wanted to believe him. How I wanted to push him back against his bed and kiss him until the entire world faded away.
Then, as if he knew exactly what I had been thinking about, Jason pulled his legs away from me while tugging me toward him. I went flat onto my back and he loomed over me.
His expression was serious but soft. He reached up to stroke my face. I pledge you my sword, my body, my blood. I will protect you and keep you safe.
I put my arms around him, tugging him closer, but he wouldn t budge. You would lay down your life for me?
Without hesitation.
He continued to stare down at me, and then he said, I m glad that you finally stopped wasting time.
What do you mean? I asked while tracing the column of his neck with my fingertips.
You ve been delaying the inevitable.
With you?
No, not with me. With what you came to Ilion to accomplish.
That made my fingers still. You know about that?
He rolled to my right side and propped up his head with his arm. Lia, no one knows you the way that I do. I know the things that make you smile, what makes you angry, what I can do to coax those soft, excited noises out of you that I so adore.
His words went straight to my gut, setting me on fire. He reached down to kiss me and I rose up eagerly to meet him.
Does anyone else know you the way that I do? he asked against my mouth.
Only you, I breathed.
It s time for things to change.
Now his words had the opposite effect, as if someone had doused me in cold water. It was the same thing the goddess had told me. What?
His eyes stared into mine with an intensity that I had never seen from him before. When the time comes, you need to say yes.
I don t know what you mean.
You will, he promised.
Why are you being so mysterious? I had enough frustration in my regular life. I didn t need it here.
Isn t that the way of dreams? Open to interpretation?
Jason had never mentioned that we were in a dream before. I was about to tell him that, but he kissed me again until I was mindless with need for him.
He went still against me and then said, Be ready. And remember that you love me.
When I awoke with a start, Ahyana was sitting on her bed adding a new ribbon to one of her braids. How s Jason? she asked.
I groaned. My heart was pounding, my body aching with frustration and need for him.
Still in love? she asked.
Had I said his words aloud? His claim that I loved him?
Did I?
I turned on my side and contemplated what both he and Ahyana had suggested. Was I in love with Jason?
I d never been in love before. Never felt anything even close to it. I had no experience with it at all.
But I did feel something overwhelming and powerful for him. I missed him. I wanted to see him again. My dreams were just exercises in frustration. There, but not there. Not real.
I thought of him often, wondered what he was doing. If he was out at sea, what kind of places he was visiting.
The various women he was probably consorting with.
At least I could identify that burning feeling as jealousy. Women were probably throwing themselves at him and I couldn t even blame them. I thought of how they weren t bound by lifelong vows and were free to be with him in any way that they chose and it made me feel physically ill.
It was so unfair. Why would he think of me when he could have anyone else?
My jealousy had to mean something, didn t it? Was it an indication of love? I wished that I could speak to my mother about it. I was sure that she would have had very wise insight into my situation.
I tried to imagine what she might ask me. She would ask me to qualify the feelings I did understand. I knew that I cared about him and his well-being. I wanted him to be safe. I looked forward to going to sleep because I knew he d be there.
With a sigh I told myself that this was the absolute last thing I should be worried about. I couldn t let him consume my waking thoughts as well as my sleeping ones.
We had an office to raid tonight. That should be my focus.
Keeping myself and my sisters safe.
Not fixating on the fact that Jason had pledged himself to me, willing to lay down his own life for me.
With a wave of sadness, I realized that even if he hadn t declared his love, it was the closest I would ever come to it.
Are you ready? Ahyana asked me, Kunguru perched on her shoulder. It was approximately three o clock in the morning and the four of us were standing in the doorway of the dormitory. Zalira was back in our room, where she had used extra blankets to make it seem as if we were all still sleeping soundly in our beds.
Yes. My toes were tingling, my heart thumping, my nerves shaking. I was excited. Ready to go. It felt so good to be taking action. Dream Jason had been correct-I d been wasting my time. I d thought I was being cautious, gathering information, but I shouldn t have waited for so long.
There was too much at stake.
This was going to work. It had to.
After Calliope passed by us, Ahyana whispered, Go!
Suri, Io, and I darted out into the night. It was a straight shot to the administrative building and Ahyana would be able to keep an eye on us while we ran. We had agreed for her to make a birdcall if she saw anything out of the ordinary.
We were about to enter the building when Suri yanked both of us against a wall. We heard several priestesses pass by, speaking to one another. It was a very odd hour for people to be out socializing, but they weren t guards. I wanted to peek out and see who it was, get closer to hear what they were talking about, but Suri put her hand on my chest and pushed me back.
I stayed put and we waited for the group to pass. When they did, Suri led the way and we reached the administrative building and ran inside. We waited several heartbeats, and when no one challenged us, Io said, I ll keep watch at the door.
Suri nodded and then gestured toward the east. Zalira had given her the task of keeping a lookout for the guard that would be coming from that direction. It allowed us to triangulate our watch so that every angle would be covered.
Let us know when you see her, I said. She nodded. She was going to throw a rock our direction against the wall. Something that wouldn t seem too alarming but would let us know.
Once Suri was gone, Io took her spot just inside the door. Hurry.
I ran up the stairs and reached the office. I had brought a hardwood staff that I could hopefully use to pry open the door if necessary. It was because of something my father always used to say, quoting Archimedes: Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world.
I didn t need to move the world, just this door. It would be a last resort, though. Theano would certainly notice if I pried her door open. I set it down on the floor. I said a quick prayer to the goddess and used my throwing daggers to begin picking at the lock.
I had just inserted one when I was overwhelmed with a sense of dread. Something was wrong.
Io needs you.
I didn t know where the voice had come from, only that I felt compelled to listen.
Io hadn t called out or made a sound. A part of me thought I was being silly, imagining things. If she needed me, she would let me know.
That urge returned again, stronger. It was like someone had hooked my stomach and was pulling me away from the door.
This was ridiculous. I didn t have enough time to respond to my overactive imagination. But I sheathed my knives and went down the stairs. The dread in my gut increased with each step.
It reached a frenzied pitch when I realized that Io wasn t at her post.
My heart thudded low and hard as I went through the doorway and saw Io on the ground. An absolute giant of a man was kneeling on top of her, his meaty hands wrapped around her throat, squeezing the life from her.
For a second I was so shocked that I didn t react.
Then I threw one of my knives at him, but my aim was poor and it bounced off his breastplate. He turned to glare at me, a murderous gleam in his eyes.
Leave her alone! I said, hurriedly trying to calculate my next move. Io s face was turning purple. In the time it would take me to reach them, he could easily snap her neck. I had to get him away from her and to chase after me.
Where s the Locrian? he asked.
Only a tiny part of me registered panic at the notion that he was looking specifically for me. The rest of me was hysterical over Io s eyes rolling back into her head before her eyelids drifted shut.
He was going to kill her.
I m the Locrian, I taunted him. Come and get me.