14. Chapter 14
Chapter fourteen
Raina
After lunch, Erik makes a few phone calls, and then we both shower separately. My mind replays our conversation while I scrub the sweat off my body. In all my imaginings of Erik coming back for me, I never thought he’d be afraid to let me close.
I don’t like it. This isn’t how things used to be—isn’t how they should be now. And, as long as my plan works, it won’t be how things stay.
Once I’m dried off, I put on the lotion Erik left for me in the bathroom and then pull on my robe. The silky fabric is cool against my skin, and I arrange it carefully over myself, not bothering with the tie.
The hallway carpet absorbs the sound of my footsteps as I make my way to Erik’s room. Even though I know I’m free, I still find myself moving around as quietly as I can, scared to be caught outside of my room. But Erik won’t be mad at me. He’d never lock me away like Father did.
Clutching my journal to my chest, I stop in front of Erik’s bedroom door. It’s unlatched, and it opens slightly when I knock.
“You can come in.”
After taking a calming breath, I push the door open and step inside. Erik is seated in an armchair similar to the one in my room, also next to a window. He’s holding a glass in his hand, halfway to his lips, but he freezes when he sees me. His gaze drags down my body, following the flow of fabric, snagging on the tease of my breasts and the bare skin of my stomach. When his eyes drop lower, his breath stutters, and he stands.
“Raina. What…”
Warmth curls inside me at the way he says my name. It’s like a caress, hesitant but filled with an undeniable want. I move closer to him, feeling him tracking me, watching his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows.
As I step up to him, our toes almost touching, I realize he’s only wearing pants. A dark T-shirt is slung over his shoulder, but most of his torso is on display. This close to the window, I can feel the winter chill seeping in, and I wonder how he’s not cold. The thin fabric of my robe does little to keep me warm, and I feel my nipples harden, although I’m unsure if it’s from the cool air or from my proximity to Erik.
“What are you doing?” he asks, his voice hoarse.
Up close, I realize that he’s gripping his glass so tightly that I’m afraid it’ll break. Gently, I pry it from his fingers and set it on the table next to him.
His hands immediately go to my waist, keeping me at arm’s length even though it looks like it’s killing him to do so. “You don’t have to do this. I told you, you owe me nothing. Who you give yourself to is your decision and yours alone, and you don’t give it out of a sense of obligation or gratitude.”
“Only out of want,” I say. “Right?”
“That’s right.”
I may be nervous, but I know my own feelings. They’ve held true for over a decade.
“And if it is?”
His eyes close as a look of pain takes over his face. “Raina, you need more time. More—”
“I don’t.” Taking one of his hands, I place it on the cover of my journal. “Read this.”
“You brought this when I took you,” he says softly, taking the book and examining it. “What is it?”
“A journal of sorts. Made-up stories. Open it.”
He does, scanning the first page. It’s dated for a decade ago. If I’d gone to school, I would’ve been able to start earlier, but it took me longer than average to learn to read since the person teaching me barely knew how to do it herself.
“You said you thought of me every night,” I say. “Well, I thought of you, too. I kept you in my heart even after my father built that wall. I dreamed of escaping, of finding you. And when I was too scared to actually leave, I wrote about you coming back for me. My secret friend. I missed you, Erik. Ever since the day Father ripped us apart, it’s felt like a piece of my soul has been missing.”
“Raina,” he breathes as he flips through the pages. “You…”
“I loved you before you saved me,” I say softly. “I always have.”
He traces the words on a page halfway through, and he murmurs something I can’t quite catch. Then he’s flipping through again, scanning my writing and shaking his head in disbelief. “They’re all about me. Me and you.”
“That’s right,” I whisper. “You’re what’s gotten me through all these years, just like I did for you. It was like I had this whole secret life in my head, one where we ran off and spent our lives together, just like you said we would.”
Erik shuts the book and sets it on the table next to his glass. “Raina, I…” Grasping my waist, he peppers my face with kisses. “My whole life, I was worried you’d forgotten me, or that you weren’t real. And here you were, just as consumed as I was.”
“Do you get it now?” I loop my arms around his neck the way I’ve seen in the movies. “I love you, Erik. I have my entire life. Not because you saved me or because you were some kind of escape, but because we fit. Because you’re you, and because I’ve always been drawn to you.”
He inhales sharply. “You… God, little rose, say it again.”
“I want you, Erik, in whatever way you’ll give yourself to me.”
Something wild passes through his eyes, dark and fierce, but then he kisses my forehead. When he pulls away, it’s gone, and in its place is the same reverence he looked at me with last night. “I’ve been yours since the moment I laid my eyes on you.” His grip on my waist softens, and his gaze drops to my lips. “I can’t… God, Raina. Do you have any idea how hard it is to resist you?”
“Then don’t. Trust me to know myself and to know my own feelings.” My voice is shaking. I’m not sure what to do from here, and I’m worried I’ll make a fool of myself—worried I already have.
All I know is I want him.
Erik releases a strained breath, leaning down until we’re mere inches apart. “May I?” he asks, cupping my cheek so gently, a direct contrast to the need burning in his eyes seconds ago.
I nod and rise onto my tiptoes, not wanting to wait a second longer. Erik closes the rest of the distance. His lips move against mine hungrily, and my worry about not knowing what to do fades. I just follow his lead, tentatively at first until he releases a deep, broken groan.
Just as I think I’m getting the hang of it, my back hits the wall, and I realize Erik has pushed me here. He presses his body into mine, forcing a closeness I’ve craved for years.
The kiss sets off a series of emotions that slip into my veins, making my entire body tingle. Hope, fear, want, need. It’s like my whole world hinges on this moment. On him. On us.
What’s best, I think, is that Erik is acting the same way. His hands travel over my body, groping me and pulling me even closer. And the sounds he makes—desperation mixed with finally getting what he’s wanted for so long.
Erik’s tongue slips into my mouth, and I let out a startled noise. Instantly, he yanks himself back. He’s out of breath, his hands planted on the wall on either side of my head. “I’m sorry.”
It takes me a moment to wrap my head around what just happened. I blink a few times, the feeling of his tongue against mine still there.
“I didn’t know people did that,” I manage. My heart is beating wildly, and it feels like my chest is going to burst.
“Did what?”
“The… the tongue thing.”
He smiles, that wild look coming back again, but he keeps it leashed. “Oh, there are quite a few things I can do to you with my tongue.”
I feel my brows pulling together. “You want to… lick me?”
But I don’t really care about the answer, rising up until my lips meet his again. He chuckles against my mouth, the sound deep and comforting.
“I think it’d be easier if I showed you.”
I nod, unsure of what to expect, and he leads me over to his bed. My stomach jumps, both from nervousness and anticipation. I’ve thought about this so many times, but now that I’m here, any confidence I had has vanished.
What am I supposed to do? Should I take his clothes off? Get on the bed? I don’t know—
“Can I kiss you again?” Erik asks.
“Please,” I whisper.
He threads his hands through my hair and tilts my head back, the corners of his mouth curving upward in a beautiful smile. It looks different now, but it’s the same one I’ve missed for years.
When Erik’s lips meet mine, he groans again. His hands fall to my waist, gripping me there and pulling me against him. It resurrects the butterflies I felt in my stomach last night. Kissing him is so much better than I ever dreamed. His lips are soft, moving against mine gently, letting me explore and find my own footing.
My robe has slipped open some, my skin sliding against Erik’s. We’re touching at every point we possibly can be, but it’s still not enough. I think he must feel the same way because he grasps at the material.
“Can I take this off?” His gaze drops to where my breasts are squished against his torso. “Wanna see you, little rose. All of you.”
Oh. Maybe I don’t need to know what to do. Maybe I can just follow Erik’s lead and learn what he likes slowly.
I shrug off my robe and let it drop to the floor. Erik’s breath catches, and he steps back to take me in, his gaze darkening as he does.
“Raina. God, Raina.”
A single finger traces down my body, his eyes following. It ignites something inside me—not a painful burn, but one that has me standing on my tiptoes and tugging Erik’s neck down until his mouth crashes against mine. The force of it knocks me back, or maybe he does it intentionally. Either way, we land on the bed with him on top of me, his lips moving fervently against mine.
“I love the way you taste,” he mutters against my neck. “The way you feel underneath me. I need… I need more.”
When he pulls away, his gaze questioning, I nod. I’m not sure what he means—everything I’ve been told about sex was kept vague because my sister would get squeamish—but I know that I want it. I want him .
“Just tell me if I go to far.” He kisses me, his tongue dipping inside my mouth. “I don’t want to push you.”
I nod again.
“No—no, Raina. I need you to say it.” His lips are on my neck now, like he can’t resist me. I can practically feel the resolve it takes for him to pull back again. “If I make you uncomfortable, promise you’ll stop me.”
“I will,” I whisper, my hands traveling up his muscular arms. It’s almost too overwhelming already, and it feels like we’ve barely started. But I can’t stop now. My body is buzzing with tension and anticipation, and I like the way he can’t stop kissing me.
He watches me for a second before nodding. “Okay.”
The next second, he’s cradling my head, his lips moving against mine again. I touch him, too, running my fingers through his hair and down his back. I’m not sure I’m doing it right, but then he shudders and deepens the kiss, his movements somehow turning even more desperate.
“More,” he mutters, nuzzling my neck. “Can’t get enough of you.”
Erik’s breath skates over my skin, causing goosebumps to form. His lips drag across my collarbones before dipping lower. With a groan, he kisses in between my breasts, the action worshipful, and I find myself arching into him.
“Beautiful,” he whispers.
He uses his tongue then, licking one of my nipples in a way that has me gasping. I’ve touched them before, but it’s never felt like this. It has my stomach tightening and my core aching.
With his hands gripping my waist, he sucks gently, flicking his tongue back and forth over my nipple. A sound escapes me unlike any before, halfway between a moan and a whine. Erik chuckles, moving to my other nipple, and I find myself choking on my next breath.
He stays there, alternating between my breasts and licking at my nipples, for what feels like hours. I can feel how wet he’s made me between my legs. More wet than I’ve ever made myself.
What if he doesn’t like that?
I’m not sure if it’s normal, and I bite my lip, wishing I’d asked Marissa more questions about sex. Whenever she talked about it, I was curious, but I was worried she’d judge me or think I was weird for wanting to know about something I’d never get to experience.
Erik leaves a trail of kisses down my body, his head moving lower and lower. I expect him to stop, but he goes past my belly button, and then my hips. He slips off the bed, his knees hitting the ground, and then I find myself being yanked closer to him.
“Oh!” Propping myself up on my elbows, I watch him, unsure what he’s doing.
Erik pushes my thighs apart, gazing in between my legs longingly. I squirm, heat rushing through my body. I’ve never been stared at like this before, and definitely not there .
“You look perfect,” he murmurs. He lowers his head, but when my whole body tenses, he stops and looks up at me questioningly.
“What are you going to do?” I whisper, worried I already know the answer. But he wouldn’t, would he? I don’t think it’d make sense. Maybe it’s just my imagination running wild.
“I told you, little rose. There are quite a few things I can do to you with my tongue.”
Not my imagination.
“What if you don’t like it?”
“Why wouldn’t I like it?”
“Because it’s…” I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling my cheeks burning.
What if he thinks it’s gross?
“Because it’s what?”
“It’s wet,” I force out.
“I wouldn’t be doing my job right if it wasn’t.”
At that, some of the tightness in my chest eases. “And you… you’re sure you’ll like it?”
He smiles, but it’s not in the condescending way I’m used to when I ask a naive question. Erik’s eyes crinkle near the corners, and there’s no impatience in his expression. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of this, Raina. I’ve craved your taste for years. Even when I wasn’t sure you were real, I obsessed over it.”
Erik presses a kiss to my inner thigh, inhaling deeply. Smelling me , I realize after a moment.
“So there’s no question of whether I’ll like it or not,” he continues. “There’s no way I won’t.”
“You mean it?”
He laughs, but I don’t feel mocked. Instead, I find myself smiling alongside him, caught up in the rush of seeing him like this. He was so serious yesterday, but now, it’s like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Like I’m all there is for him to focus on, and that’s how he likes it.
“I’m positive, little rose.”
Making myself take a deep breath, I relax. “All right.”
He watches me for a beat, as if he’s expecting me to change my mind. When I don’t stop him, he lets out a relieved sound before leaning down. He licks me, and instead of pulling away in disgust, he groans and does it again.
“Erik,” I gasp.
His tongue is gentle against me, but my body has been begging for this since the moment he kissed me. I’m so sensitive, and this is all so new, so different, so good .
“Just relax into it,” he murmurs against me.
I try to, closing my eyes. There’s no way I can watch him do this to me. Even though my body is desperate for more, it’s so uncomfortably intimate, like I’m baring my soul to him. All my secrets are on display, and I can’t hide anymore.
“Oh!” The word is forced from my lips as I feel a more intense sensation.
I realize Erik is sucking on my clit the same way he did my nipples. It’s almost too much, and my first instinct is to push his head away, but I ball my hands into fists instead. I don’t want him to stop.
A moan fills the room— my moan. My back arches as I fall deeper into the sensations. Erik wraps his arms around my thighs and pulls me closer to the edge of the mattress until I’m worried I’ll fall off.
“Erik, what if—”
“I’ve got you, don’t worry.”
It’s all he says before he’s licking me again. His groans fill the room, dousing my worries one by one until all I’m left with is the sensation of his tongue against my clit. Every stroke sends sparks into my bloodstream, and heat licks at my skin until I’m covered in a thin layer of sweat.
The pressure building up in my body is nearly unbearable. I felt like my chest was going to explode earlier, but it’s nothing compared to this. My fingers curl into Erik’s sheets, and a whimper escapes me as I hit the point I’ve reached so many times before but never managed to get past.
Admonishments fill my mind, and I tense, but then Erik takes my hands in his and squeezes. He sucks on my clit harder, pulling all of my focus back to him. The simple action steals the breath from my lungs and leaves me gasping.
Before I can catch my breath, my stomach clenches, and a sharp cry leaves my lips. A rush of sensations slam into me, and all of a sudden, I’m ten times more sensitive than I was. My hips buck against Erik’s face, a reaction I don’t think I can stop. But the next moment, the tip of his tongue is just barely moving against my clit. The lighter touch feels so much better, and I moan.
Erik continues just like that until my body is weak and shaky. Everything feels hazy, but the second he pulls away, shame’s long, gnarly fingers curl around my mind, digging painfully into my thoughts.
Dirty. Wrong. Selfish.
Erik is on top of me in an instant, kissing up my body and driving the memories away. “That was perfect. God, Raina.”
Tentatively, I place my hands on Erik’s chest. There’s no disgust in his eyes, only adoration. He kisses my shoulder, my neck, my jawbone, and I breathe a small sigh of relief. His body is covering mine, a shield from the darkness that’s followed me from my father’s house.
“So beautiful,” Erik whispers in my ear. “That was everything I wanted. Everything I could’ve dreamed of.”
Everything?
“But what about you?” I ask.
He licks his lips. “What about me?”
I frown at him. “I know there’s supposed to be more. It’s supposed to be good for you, too. We’re supposed to—”
“No, little rose. There’s no way this is supposed to go. It’s whatever we want it to be. Whatever you’re ready for.”
I hesitate. Am I ready for more? My body screams yes, but my mind is muddled. Erik is unraveling so much of what I thought I knew to be the truth. My heart still aches from Father’s betrayal, from being paraded in front of a room full of greedy men. Even thinking about it now has my stomach turning.
Your own personal toy.
But I’m not a very good one. I don’t even know what to do, only that I should be doing something .
Staring up at him, I grab his shoulders. “I don’t want to disappoint you. Please, Erik, all I’ve ever been is a disappointment. Tell me what I should—”
He kisses me, and my taste on his lips startles me into silence. It’s tangy, almost sweet, mixed with a hint of sweat. My mind empties, and when he grips the hair at the base of my neck, I tentatively slide my tongue into his mouth, hoping this is what he wants. He sucks on it, another unexpected thing, but I let him. There’s something possessive about the way he does it that has me melting into him, but after a few seconds, he forces himself to pull back.
“I don’t want to overwhelm you,” he whispers, brushing his nose against mine. “I know you want everything, but take this slow with me, Raina. Don’t push yourself.”
“But…”
My throat closes up, and I realize I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do with the sickening feeling in my gut that Erik doesn’t mean what he’s saying. That he couldn’t possibly want me. That maybe Father was right, and he never should’ve let me live.
“Raina.” Erik’s voice is so gentle, so caring, that it pulls a sob from me that I didn’t realize I was holding back. He pulls us up and nestles me in his lap, and then he’s rocking me, his hand smoothing my hair back from my face. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve known this was too much too quickly.”
“It’s not—” I sniffle. “It’s not that. I just… I know I’m not supposed to want this, and I don’t want you to view me as… as dirty.”
He goes stiff. “What are you talking about?”
“Sex,” I mumble. “Do you think I’m horrible for wanting it?”
“Horrible? What—Raina, no. Absolutely not. It’s a perfectly natural thing to want to experience. Most people do.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m positive.” Erik shifts me in his lap so he can get a better look at me, and he lifts my face up with a bent knuckle under his chin. Worry lines his features. “Raina, have you never… touched yourself? To make yourself come?”
“No,” I answer quickly. My cheeks heat, and I look away.
Gently, he grips my chin and tugs me back until his eyes meet mine, soft and reassuring. “It’s all right if you have. Exploring yourself is a good thing.”
I want to believe him, but I’m not sure I can. It goes against everything I’ve been taught.
“It doesn’t make you not want me?”
Erik frowns. “Who told you it would?”
“Father,” I mumble. “One of the maids caught me once, and she told him. He was so angry that he locked me in my room for three days and wouldn’t let me eat. He told me that it was wrong, that it made me dirty and undesirable.”
“He was wrong,” Erik says harshly, but when I wince, he squeezes me reassuringly, and his voice softens. “He wanted you as innocent as possible for his stupid auction. He’s disgusting, not you.” He nudges my cheek with his nose. “Never you.”
Lowering my head to his shoulder, I squeeze my eyes shut against tears. Yet another thing to unravel, to unlearn. It always confused me, how my sister could get past the shame. But now I understand.
She was never told to feel this way. It was only ever me.
“Now tell me the truth this time,” Erik says.
“I’ve touched myself,” I whisper.
“Have you ever made yourself come?”
“N-no.” I’ve gotten close a few times, but Father’s words always circle my thoughts, calling me disobedient and dirty. “Any time it’s about to happen, I feel so horrible, and I have to stop.”
“I get that.” He presses a tender kiss to the top of my head. “But from now on, know that there’s nothing to be ashamed of, all right? You can touch yourself whenever you want. It won’t change how I look at you one bit.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
Erik’s arms tighten around me, and I relax into him. Like this, everything doesn’t feel so hopeless. His constant reassurance makes me wonder if I won’t always be trapped in my own mind. When he’s with me, I’m able to find my way out, and when I’m not, he guides me there.
My shield. My rescuer. And, hopefully, my forever.