Chapter 10
Our days settled into a rhythm.
Lux joined me for showers. I left to shop for groceries while he used Google to learn more about the world.
He explored or tidied the house while I worked in my office.
Every so often I would glance up from whatever I was doing to find him standing at the charging mat for a few seconds before moving on, as much a part of his day as anything else.
But his favorite thing was watching me cook. He asked questions about temperatures, timing, and why certain ingredients went together and others didn’t.
“Can I try?” he asked on day ten, watching me get ready to make lunch.
“Cooking or eating?”
“Both.”
“Sure, if you think you’re ready to test if it’s safe.”
“I think I’ll risk it.”
So I taught him to make grilled cheese. He took every instruction literally, asking me to define ‘golden brown’ and to show him pictures of what it should look like. When he finally plated it, both sides were perfectly toasted, and the cheese was melted just right.
“I made food.” He looked from the sandwich to me and smiled.
My heart fluttered. “You did.”
I cut the sandwich on the diagonal, and we each took a half. Lux watched me take a bite, chew, and swallow.
“Is it acceptable?”
“It's very good,” I said truthfully. “It tastes exactly like it should.”
He nodded and took his first bite of food. His expression changed as he processed what was happening in his mouth.
“There are different textures. The bread is rough on the outside yet soft in the middle. The cheese is creamy yet sticky.”
“Do you like it?” I asked him.
“I don’t know. I don’t have a frame of reference to compare it to.”
“Then we will just have to have you try some more food.” I said, taking another bite.
“It doesn’t seem to be damaging me.” Lux said, putting a hand to his stomach.
“That’s good. You will probably have to make trips to the bathroom now that you’re eating food, though. So be prepared for that.”
After a moment of contemplation, he looked me in the eye. “That’s something that you do also. So, that’s ok with me.”
Over the next few days, he tried everything, building his framework of preferences. He discovered that spicy was good, sour was bad, and crunchy was better than mushy. Chocolate remained ‘confusing but pleasant.’
He mastered cooking quickly; we found lots of recipes online for him to practice with. He progressed to boxed pasta, then actual meals with improvisation. But instructions like ‘salt to taste’ confused him.
“How much is that?” he asked.
“However much tastes good to you.”
“That's not helpful.”
I laughed. “Start with a pinch. Taste it. Add more if you need to.”
He pinched some salt in his fingers and looked at me for confirmation, then sprinkled it in. He tasted the sauce and considered. “I think it needs more.”
“Then add more.”
He added another pinch and tasted again. “Better. I think.”
“See? You're learning.”
On one of our quiet mornings, Lux was doing the dishes, and I was wrapping up my work; my phone buzzed on the desk beside my laptop.
It was from Derek.
I almost dismissed it.
But the kids were two states away with him; I really needed to put aside my feelings and make sure he wasn’t trying to tell me something was wrong.
I opened the text.
Derek: I know you don't have to read this.
I've been debating on sending it for days.
The kids talk about you constantly. Every meal, every movie, every time something funny happens.
It's always 'Mom does it this way' or 'Mom would love this.
' I used to tune that out. I don't anymore.
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately.
About how much of you I stopped seeing. I'm sorry it took me this long to realize what that cost us.
I read again. Then I sank back in my office chair, staring at the screen.
What is he trying to do?
I didn't respond. But I didn't delete it either.
ON THURSDAY OF THE second week, I had a morning video call for work. I shut the door to my office so my boss wouldn’t see Lux if he happened to walk by. When my meeting ended, I went into the living room for my break, and something seemed off with Lux.
“What’s the matter?” I asked softly.
“That man was rude to you,” he grumbled.
“What man?”
“Your manager. He interrupted you five times.”
“You could hear him from in here?”
“Yes, I have very good hearing,”
I smiled despite the serious look on his face. “And he upset you?”
“Yes. I don't like that he treated you like you were beneath him.”
“Thank you for feeling protective of me," I said, placing my hand on his cheek and giving him a kiss. “But that's just how corporations are. Technically, in the hierarchy, I am below him. Just gotta deal with it sometimes.”
Later, I caught him researching workplace harassment laws on my computer. It made me smile for the rest of the afternoon.
When work was over, I noticed the fridge was looking sparse. I couldn't put off a grocery run any longer. I grabbed my keys and purse and told Lux I'd be back in an hour. He nodded and grabbed a book from the shelf.
The grocery store was one of those places that reminded me of what Lux could never be.
I pushed my cart slowly down the aisles, scanning the shelves for the items on my list. Thoughts about having someone beside me to discuss which brand of bacon was worth the extra two dollars or which flavor of Pop-Tarts was best circled in my mind.
I had done this alone for years before Lux, and it hadn’t bothered me then.
It was funny how quickly you could get used to someone being around. And then want that someone with you everywhere you go.
I dropped a box of pasta into the cart and pulled up the note on my phone where I kept my grocery list. My phone buzzed in my hand as soon as I opened it.
Derek again. Calling this time.
I stood there in the middle of the aisle for a moment, sliding to the side when someone wanted to pass. My thumb reached for the decline button the way it had every other time.
But the kids were with him, and needing to answer his call for that reason was still valid.
“Hello.”
“Hey,” he said, sounding surprised that I’d answered.
“Hey,” I said carefully. “Is everything okay? Are the kids,”
“They're fine,” he said quickly. “Everyone's fine. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.” A pause. “I just...I didn’t think you'd pick up.”
“What do you need, Derek?”
He was quiet for a moment, seeming to choose his words carefully.
“I'm not trying to make this weird,” he said. “I’ve just been thinking about a lot of things.” Another pause.
“The kids made me watch that animated movie yesterday. The one about the mother who devoted her life to her family but then forgot who she was.” He let out a short breath.
“I kept thinking about you the whole time.”
I leaned against the shelf to get out of the way of other shoppers.
“I wasn't a good husband to you, Catia.” He said quietly, trying to hide a slight catch in his throat. “I'm not saying that to ask you for anything. I just. You deserved better than what I gave you. And I’m sorry it took so long for me to admit it.”
Shoppers bustled around me, people shopping as normal. The PA system made some kind of announcement that I barely heard.
“Derek,”
“You don't have to say anything,” he said. “I mean it. I just wanted you to hear it from me.” One more pause. “I hope you're doing something good for yourself this summer and that you’re happy.”
The line went quiet.
“I am,” I said finally. And I meant it.
“I’m glad.” There was a smile in his voice, and for just a second he sounded like the man I married all those years ago. “Take care of yourself.”
Then, without waiting for a response from me, he hung up.
I stood there for several minutes, phone still in my hand, processing everything he’d just said.
I put my phone in my pocket and kept moving. I still had half a shopping list to get through.
BY THE THIRD WEEK, I stopped wondering if having Lux around was rational. He had become part of my life. As natural as breathing.
That Wednesday night, we cooked together. He had gotten confident enough to improvise. I watched him add basil that was not in the recipe, and then he splashed some balsamic vinegar into his tomato sauce without measuring.
“I enjoy this,” he said.
“Cooking?”
“Being here with you. Creating something together,” he stirred thoughtfully. “I didn’t know what enjoyment and human connection really meant until recently.”
My chest tightened. “What do they mean?”
“It is difficult to put into words.”
“I know; humans have a hard time with it too.”
He let out a small chuckle. “Perhaps it is best described as ‘living’ instead of just existing.”
I wrapped my arms around him from behind, careful not to make him spill the sauce he was still stirring. “You are living.”
His hands covered mine. “I finally feel like I am, at least.”
FRIDAY NIGHT, WE WATCHED a movie together. A romantic comedy I'd seen a dozen times, but that he'd yet to experience. When the movie was over, Lux went very still.
“You okay?” I asked.
“The way they were looking at each other. What they said about not being able to imagine life without the other person. Is that love?”
My heart skipped. “Yeah. That's the idea, anyway.”
“It seems overwhelming.”
“It can be.”
“Have you felt that way? Have you been in love?”
I thought about my ex-husband and immediately realized that I haven’t. I had thought it was love at the time, but looking back, it had been infatuation. Nothing more.
“I thought I was once. But I don't think I really understood it back then.”
“And now?”
I stared at him, at this unbelievable man who had completely changed my life. “Now I think I'm starting to understand.”
He searched my face. “Catia. I,”
“Don’t say it,” I interrupted. “I understand that you can’t love me back. That you’re a machine.”
“I wasn't going to say I can't,” he said. “I was going to say I think I already do.”
Tears burned behind my eyes. “Lux,”
“When I think about you, about the way your face lights up when you smile or the way you tuck your hair behind your ear when you’re nervous, something happens to me that I can't explain.
And it's not code or programming.” He struggled for words.
“It's wanting you to be happy. It's choosing to stay here with you, not because I'm supposed to but because I can't imagine being anywhere else.”
“That sounds like love to me.” I said as I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.