16. Tristan #2
"Exactly! All those different colors coming together in one giant arch—that's also what love is like.
" Jenna/Gemma releases the little girl's hand and gestures with her arms to illustrate her point.
"Love comes in so many forms—two dads, two moms, one parent, no parents…
And just like we can't choose the colors of the rainbow, we can't pick and choose who we love either.
" She looks down at the little girl and reaches for her hand.
"Sania's uncle, my brother, is gay… just like Miguel's papá and papi. "
Nix nods, but his interest in the subject quickly wanes as his attention is drawn to the plastic toy the little girl has in her hand. He whips out his own toy from his goody bag and engages the little girl in a conversation about their toys.
Jenna/Gemma clears her throat. "Walk us to the car?" Her eyes fix on Myles, and my mood takes a nosedive.
Don't go, I try to telepathically convey to Myles, but he doesn’t get the signal. Plus, he's a really nice guy—a gentleman—so of course he’s going to walk them to their car.
"Sure," he says.
As I watch Myles walk away with Jenna/Gemma and the little girl, a pang of jealousy grips me. I'm not sure why I feel this way. After all, it’s not as if I'm in love with Myles, right? But the thought of him being with someone else, even in a platonic sense, stings.
"Nix," I say, forcing myself to focus on him. The little boy is still playing with his toy, oblivious to my inner conflict. "I'm gonna start the clean-up." Thing is, there's no need to clean up; the staff at the center takes care of all of it. "Stick close to me until your dad gets back, okay?"
I need to fucking do something to get my mind off of Myles and his flirtatious friend, but the thoughts keep creeping up, uninvited.
I wonder what they're talking about at her car, if they're laughing and having a good time.
I wonder if Jenna/Gemma is trying to make a move on Myles, and if he's even aware of it.
I wonder if he's attracted to her, if he's thinking about her the way I think about him.
The thought is gut-wrenching, and I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. This is ridiculous, I scold myself.
Between hearing about what kind of church Myles's in-laws attend and seeing how Jenna/Gemma flirted with Myles, I can't help but think maybe things are working out in the way they were meant to. It would be so much easier if Myles were with a woman. His life would be far less complicated if he weren’t involved with me.
The gods are probably laughing at my expense, because I've spent my whole life committed to the idea of not burdening myself with a family. And now I feel like an idiot for letting myself want to be a part of this one, Myles and Nix’s family.
But maybe Myles would be better off with Jenna/Gemma, someone who can provide him with an easy, uncomplicated kind of love.
Being with a woman would make life simpler for him.
He was married to one before; society perceives him as heterosexual.
Navigating through this world can be hard for a same-sex couple.
My mood continues its downward trajectory when Myles returns, his face bright with an easy grin.
"Jenna invited me to take a cooking class with her tomorrow," he says, completely oblivious to my inner anguish. My stomach clenches.
Is he fucking kidding me?
I want to shout from the rooftop that I… I could teach him how to cook. He doesn’t need this Jenna to take him somewhere so she can get him all to herself—to touch him and let him touch her—when I’m right here.
Dammit, Myles, can’t you see me?
I wish I could kick my own ass for volunteering to ease him into dating and guide him through his bi-awakening. It’s not like he had asked me to help him. Now someone else is getting the privilege of being with him in the way I want to.
Mentally shaking my head in exasperation, I can’t believe I’ve willingly signed up to get my heart broken, because having to watch Myles fall for someone that isn’t me will wreck my heart.
When Myles had left my apartment for his date with Marco, I’d been an emotional mess, wondering if he and Marco would hit it off and plan for a second date…
or worse yet, spend the night together after their first date.
My thoughts had escalated to the point that I'd even imagined them marrying and spending their honeymoon in the Bahamas! I’d paced the hardwood floor until the soles of my feet ached, right up until I heard Myles knock on my door.
He’d stood there looking as handsome as ever, and my eyes had blazed a trail over his face looking for any signs that Marco had kissed him stupid.
But his lips hadn’t seemed kiss-swollen, and his pupils hadn’t been dilated.
Or at least, I hadn’t thought they were.
I’d been so messed up after having a mini meltdown all night that I hadn’t even been able to tell.
And I’m a firefighter and paramedic, for fuck’s sake!
I honestly don’t even know why I had bothered looking.
Even if they had kissed, it’s not like his eyes would have still been dilated, not unless Marco’s kiss had also come with a glaucoma test or something.
I really needed to stop taking all the things I read in romance novels so literally.
At least I’d known for certain he didn't smell of another man's cologne; there was nothing but the same delicious sandalwood and citrusy scent he'd always worn.
I'd pulled Myles in and asked him questions about how the date had gone, all the while bracing myself for him to drop the bombshell that he was going to see Marco again.
Myles had beamed as he told me about how much fun they’d had and that they'd both read the same books. He’d raved about how amazing the food had been, and about the intimate atmosphere of the restaurant.
As it turned out, Myles had been very impressed with Marco and wasn't averse to seeing him again, but only as friends. I still couldn’t stop myself from feeling relieved that he wasn’t going on anymore dates with Marco.
The relief I felt hadn’t lasted long, though, because I somehow knew things wouldn't stay that way forever. At some point, someone would come along—maybe this Jenna, or maybe someone else—who could make him happy in a way he couldn't see himself feeling with me.
I will myself out of the memory and back to the present, back to feigning excitement over Myles’s upcoming date with the beautiful, voluptuous Jenna. And back to slowly dying inside.
"Really? That's wonderful," I lie, my voice cracking. "She seems like a lovely lady."
"She is."
Two words. Two fucking words are all Myles says, but those words stab at my heart like tiny daggers.
He looks around him as if just remembering where we are at. "Tristan, what are you doing? You know we don't have to clean up, right?"
"I know, but I—“
"Thought you were doing housework at the station?" Myles interjects.
I bark out a laugh. I didn't expect him to say that, but yeah, I'll go along with it. Plus, I'm grateful for the distraction. But my laughter is tainted by the knowledge that Myles will be with Jenna tomorrow.
"Don't worry," Myles says, slinging his arm around my shoulders. "I like you anyway."
My heart swells at his words. "Me too, man." Though touched by his words, the feeling is still overshadowed by the looming threat of tomorrow. What if Jenna steals Myles away? I can't shake the feeling that my world is about to unravel.