Chapter 5
LAUREN
Idrop the car keys in the bowl on the kitchen counter and rub the tension out of the back of my neck.
Kieren’s voice carries from down the hall. Faint light filters through the bottom of the door, and before I open it, I know what I’m going to see.
I knock softly, and the stream of chatter stops abruptly.
“Come in.”
I push the door open, and the scent of teenage boy almost has me racing back to the kitchen. There are damp towels and sweaty socks that should be in the laundry basket and not on the floor.
But I steel myself against it and enter the room.
Kieran slouches in his gaming chair, eyes fixed on the wide computer screen that takes up his entire desk. He’s wearing a headset, and his fingers move rapidly over the controller.
The game is a military-style first-person shooter, and he’s obviously playing with friends. Friends from the last town we left behind.
A pang of guilt creeps into my chest. If we hadn’t moved so much, he might have friends who aren’t all online. If we hadn’t moved so much, he might have stuck with a sport and be out playing that instead of inside playing video games every chance he gets.
I move to the side of the desk so I’m in his peripheral vision, and he slides one side of his headphones off.
“Can we talk?”
“Sure.”
He gives a yelp as someone fires at his character. He grips the controller, and there’s intense finger pushing as he fires back. He says something into his headpiece, and his character runs toward a building on the screen.
“What’s up?” He spares me a quick glance.
“I need your full attention.”
He sighs. “I’ll just finish this mission.”
Which could mean two minutes or twenty minutes, but if I force him to stop now, he will let his friends down. Cue the mother’s guilt again.
“I’ll be in the kitchen.” I glance once more around the room. It was easier to get him to clean up when he was younger and wanted to help his mama out. But it’s harder to motivate a fifteen-year-old to keep their room tidy.
“Bring your dirty dishes with you.” He doesn’t acknowledge my words, but it’s worth a try.
Fifteen minutes later, Kieren comes into the kitchen carrying his empty plate and balancing two mugs on top of it.
He puts them straight into the dishwasher, and I try not to make a big deal of it while secretly congratulating myself for doing something right.
But the moment is short-lived when he pulls out his phone as he sits on the stool next to me at the counter.
“I want to talk about last night. I’m sorry I overreacted.”
He keeps looking at his phone. “You always overreact.”
He’s right. I haven’t told Kieren the truth about his father. Not all of it. He knows he’s in prison, and he remembers the road incident. But he doesn’t know about the threats Mark has made to take Kieren from me. Or the harm he would do to me to get to him.
A video starts to play on his phone, and when I peer over his shoulder, he turns the screen away.
“Can you put that down for a moment?”
He sighs and turns his phone upside down on the counter, turning the video off.
“Tell me about the training gym.”
He shrugs. “It’s just a gym, Mom. A guy at school was talking about this new program, and it sounded badass so I went along with him.”
“You’ve got a friend at school. That’s great.”
Kieren rolls his eyes. “Mom, I’m not incapable of making friends.”
I nod along, trying not to appear too excited that he’s made a friend. A friend in the real world who isn’t online.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the program and the gym?”
He raises his eyebrows at me. “Because I knew you’d react like this. You’re only seeing the fighting side of it and not the training. You don’t like violence. You’re always telling me to breathe through my anger, to control my aggression.
“Well, controlled aggression is fine. It’s probably a good outlet.”
“That’s a pretty mixed message, Mom.”
He’s right. In trying to teach him to turn away from violence, I’ve ended up alienating him.
“I’ve spoken to Dean, the instructor, and I’m happy for you to keep going.”
He grins. “Dean is badass. He used to be a SEAL. I mean, have you seen the size of that guy’s muscles?”
At the mention of Dean’s muscles, my cheeks flame.
“I hadn’t noticed,” I mumble, as I push off the stool to clean up the dishes so Kieren doesn’t notice my blush.
“What nights are training?”
“Tuesday and Thursday, and Dean said we could come and use the gym anytime we want. He’s got this program all planned out, and it’s based on what he learned being a SEAL.
Did you know only around twenty percent of candidates make it through BUD/s?
That’s the SEAL induction program, and it’s the hardest in the world. ”
I pause with a plate halfway to the dishwasher. I haven’t heard Kieren this enthusiastic about anything since he got his high-tech gaming setup.
“You’re really into this, huh?”
“You should see this video, Mom.” He reaches for his phone, and I slide the plate into the dishwasher and dry my hands off on a cloth.
Kieren holds his phone out to me, and I come around to stand by him.
A video plays of men in military fatigues and white shirts. They’re lifting a boat over their heads and running along a beach. The shot changes, and they’re diving into the water.
“I want to be in the Navy, Mom. I want to be a SEAL.”
It’s been a long time since Kieren opened up to me like this. “That’s great that you’ve found something you want to do.”
He scrolls to another video. “But they only take the best of the best. I probably won’t make it.”
I hate hearing him talk like that.
“Hey, you can do anything you put your mind to.”
He shrugs. “Maybe. All these guys in the videos are ripped. I don’t think I can be like that. Not without a lot of training.”
“This is what you’ve been watching on your phone? Military training videos?”
“SEAL training videos,” he corrects me.
I put a hand over my heart and sigh in relief. “I thought you were watching manosphere videos.”
Kieren laughs. “Come on, Mom, give me some credit. Everyone knows those guys are losers.”
“Do they?”
“Yeah, Mom.” He shakes his head at me as if I’m the child and he’s explaining something really simple. “No one I know buys into that stuff.”
“Okay, good to know.”
I let out a long, slow breath. Maybe the next generation of men aren’t as lost as I fear, or at least not the one I’m responsible for.
The next evening, Kieren strides ahead of me to the training gym. In the light, it’s obvious it’s part of Jake’s Retreat. I missed the large sign in the dark, and the buildings I passed are offices, clinics, and accommodation units.
“You don’t have to come in,” Kieren says.
“I want to speak to Dean.” I need to apologize to him for my suspicion the other night, and the way I marched Kieren out of here. I also want to thank him for centering me yesterday.
Kieren heads into the gym and starts warming up with the other boys.
Dean is speaking with a couple of the boys, and his back is to me, giving me a chance to observe him.
He speaks easily with the boys, and they hang on his every word.
My heart flutters watching him. He’s confident and making a difference here, a real role model and exactly the kind of man Kieren needs in his life.
Perhaps the kind of man I need in my life too. I haven’t dated since Mark. I thought it was a conscious decision, but perhaps I just haven’t met anyone I want to date until now.
As if he can sense my eyes on him, Dean turns around, and his face lights up when he sees me, causing my stomach to do a flip.
He strides over and thankfully he’s wearing a top today, although the singlet barely covers his muscles. His arm muscles ripple as he walks, and the singlet does nothing to hide his hard chest, which glistens with a layer of sweat.
He knows how to work hard and get sweaty, and that thought has me crossing my legs and doing a weird jiggle, trying to dull the sudden ache between my thighs.
“Hey Bo.”
“I want to apologize.” I say it quickly before his smile makes me forget why I’m here. “I spoke to Kieren, and I’m happy for him to train here.”
His smile widens, and he tilts his head. “I’m pleased.”
His gaze rakes down my body, and I wish I’d taken the time to change out of my scrubs.
“How’s the injury?”
His eyes sparkle with mischief. “You’d better check it over for me, nurse.”
He ducks his head and leans forward so close I can smell his tangy scent; perspiration and chalk and something else that’s all him.
I swallow hard and stand on my tiptoes to peer at the stitches. I tap my fingers over them and they’re holding, but all I can think of is his warm skin under mine and what it would feel like if I ran my fingers down his cheek and into his stubble.
“They look fine.” I step away quickly, and he straightens up, giving me a look like he knows exactly what was going through my head.
“When’s your break tomorrow? I’ll take you for coffee.”
The gravelly purr of his voice makes it sound like coffee is a sin, and I’m ready to be tempted.
“We already talked about Kieren, and I’ve agreed he can train.”
Dean reaches forward and cups my chin in his hand. I still at the contact as my body zings to life. My pulse races, and my heart’s beating so hard it might explode out of my chest.
“This is just about you and me.” His thumb strokes my cheek.
“I don’t date.” My words come out as a whisper, and they sound feeble even to myself. For so long, that’s been my standard response to any male attention, but for the first time, I wonder if it’s still true.
“This isn’t a date.”
“Oh.” Disappointment crashes over me, followed swiftly by embarrassment. For the second time, I’ve misread the situation. I look down, but he tilts my head up so my gaze meets his.
“It’s getting to know my future wife.”
His gaze darts to my lips, and I lean forward and… wait, what? Did he call me his future wife?
Shock must be written all over my face, because Dean chuckles and releases my chin.
I back off a step, and he looks confused. “Sorry, Bo, did I come on too strong?”
“I’ve been someone’s wife before, and I didn’t like it.”
He nods as if considering it. “They must have been an idiot to let you get away.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” I mutter.
“You can tell me about it over dinner tomorrow.”
“Wait, I thought you said coffee?”
“I just changed my mind. It sounds like we’ve got a lot of ground to cover, and coffee won’t cut it. I’m taking you out to dinner tomorrow night.”
Before I have time to respond, someone calls his name from the gym.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I open my mouth to protest, then realize I don’t want to. What I want to do is have dinner with Dean and find out more about the man and why my body comes to life whenever he’s close to me.