11. Kate
Iwasn’t going to let him see me break, but as soon as the door closed and my wolf shifted, my heart shattered into a million pieces. The tears came. Then, the dam I tried to hold in broke.
I sank into the darkest corner of my head, and I cried. And while my wolf ran back to the lodge, I felt the weight of his rejection, the loss of the other half of me I’d never allowed myself to imagine existed. His words and the look in his stare ripped me apart.
Maybe Kane is right.
Maybe I’m not his mate. Maybe he’s not mine, but that wasn’t what my gut was saying. When he bit me, there was pleasure on a whole new level. A connection took root deep inside me that I’ll never be able to sever. I’ll never rid myself of the parts of him he left in me.
I wanted to mark him in return. Claim him as mine. But I cowered back into the girl I was at fifteen. The kid who was insanely attracted to a man she had no business feeling things for. The teenager who stupidly tried to repeatedly prove she could match his strength and intelligence better than anyone else.
Why can’t it be me?
Why isn’t it me?
I’ve never seen him or anyone in the Bloodmoon pack as my enemy.
I’ve never lied to any of them. It’s impossible to lie to Kane. Something inside me won’t allow it when it comes so easily with my pack.
Fuck him for insinuating that Trez and I came here all those years ago to spy for our alpha. Kane doesn’t know me at all if he thinks I’d infiltrate his pack at Dick’s order.
Fuck Richard Everhart too. We didn’t ask to be born into his pack. We didn’t ask to be saddled with him for a father.
Our pack has treated us like outcasts for as long as I can remember. I thought Dante’s pack was different.
Before Kane and Jag ran the Bloodmoon pack, it was Dante and Elijah. They were weary at first but welcoming all the same. I didn’t think they saw us as wolves from the enemy pack once they got to know us.
Annalise, Jagger’s mom, was always the nicest to me. If anyone, she should have been the least open to me. She knew I liked Kane, and I knew she was his mate’s mother.
She never held my attraction to Kane against me, but we also didn’t speak about her daughter. Annalise taught me how to bake. Becca, Kane’s mother, taught me how to apply makeup.
No one in my pack had ever made an effort with Trez or me. I learned how to love more than just my brother that first winter in Moonwake. The second winter here, I learned to love myself; to want more.
Every night since our first return to Rivermoon, I dreamed I was born into this pack, not mine. But when daylight came, I could pretend no more. Like now, with the setting sun, the facade is over. I’ll never be one of them, but I can’t be a member of Dick’s pack any longer either.
I have to find Trez.
I will find my brother, and when I do, we’ll finally be our own pack, living by our own rules, finding our own path—together.
Just us.
We don’t need anyone else.
“What’s wrong?”Jagger demands.
After I ran through the wolf door and into the lodge, I snagged my bag that was lying on the floor where Kane must have dropped it and leaped into the bathroom to change. When I was as presentable as possible, I slung my backpack over my shoulder and walked back through the living area.
I knew Jagger was in the kitchen when I ran through, but out of all our kind, I couldn’t shift back into my human form in front of him. Like Trez, he feels more like a brother than the rest of them.
Stopping in front of him, I toss my bag onto the counter and take the deepest breath I can force down my throat. His arms are resting at his sides. He’s in jeans and a plain white T-shirt with motorcycle boots adorning his feet.
“I have to go.” I sniffle, forcing my emotions to bottle back up. “But I need you to promise me something first.”
“You’re crying. Why?” His brows furrow.
“That’s not important.” I swallow the lump in my throat, unable to control the tremble in my lower lip. Overwhelmed with the need for something—I’m not sure what—I jump forward, wrapping both arms around Jagger’s neck and squeezing like my life depends on it. To my surprise, he hugs me back, tightening his hands around my back.
“You don’t cry, Kate,” he says as if it’s a fact.
If only that were true.
“No, I do—more than I care to admit. I just don’t let anyone see my tears. Not even Trez.”
“Then why are you letting me?”
Because if I don’t let some of this pain out, I’m going to find myself in a fetal position, I think to myself.
To Jagger, I say, “If I had another friend besides my brother, you’d be it. I’m going to miss you,” which is as true as the former statement.
“What are you talking about? We are friends.”
“No, we’re not, because… because I’ll always be one of them. I’ll forever be a Marked Crest wolf. I can’t change my DNA, and that makes us enemies.”
“Why the fuck are you saying this?” He pulls back but doesn’t let me go. His piercing blue eyes find mine, his stare searching as seconds pass between us.
I don’t want to leave.
“Because it’s true. Your alpha knows it. Your pack even knows it, but if there is an ounce of anything akin to friendship, please don’t let anyone hurt Trez. If he shows up here looking for me, swear to me that you won’t let anyone kill him.”
Jag jerks backward, blinking, but I can’t go without his oath. I grab ahold of his arms, not letting go.
I know my brother is out there, and I will find him, but he could very well show up here before I can get to him first.
“Promise me, Jagger. Say that you won’t allow anyone to cause harm to Trez.”
“I won’t let anyone hurt him.” A growl leaves his lips. “For the record, I’d never let anyone in my pack hurt Trez, but you need to tell me how the fuck you just did that?” His eyes are wide, unblinking like he’s seeing the impossible.
“I didn’t do anything. I have to go now.”
“You did, but, fuck, I don’t understand how. I have to call Kane. You aren’t going any?—”
“Shhh.” I put two fingers against his lips, silencing him. “Kane doesn’t want me here. We shouldn’t have come here in the first place. I’m sorry for that. Trust me, I’ll be sorry for that for the rest of my life.”
I grip him by the shoulders again and yank him to me, then wrapping my arms around Jag, I give him a final hug goodbye, squeezing with all the strength I can muster and hoping he feels the friendship I thought we had. The one I’ll mourn for the rest of my life.
“Thank you for giving me your word. I’m going to hold you to it.” My voice cracks. “I’m going to miss you, okay? Tell Ash I said bye, and tell your mom…”
I loosen my arms, and after a breath, I step backward, dropping them to my sides. Jagger’s eyes are still wide, but he remains tight-lipped.
“I-I don’t know why I mentioned your mom.” I shake my head. “She was just always nice to me, I guess.” I take another step back, waiting for him to say something, but when he doesn’t, I turn and swipe my backpack from the counter, swinging it around both arms. “Don’t forget me, okay?”
He takes a step toward me, his arms lifting to reach out.
“Stay,” I say quickly, and as if I’d commanded it, he drops his arms. “Don’t come after me. This is the way it has to be. I don’t belong here, right?” When he doesn’t respond, I nod in understanding as my eyes close. In the same breath, I swallow back everything I’m feeling, everything that’s telling me not to leave. My wolf howls in protest.
I pivot, and I’m out the door before I do something stupid like run back to Kane’s cabin instead of Canada. I jump on my bike and start the engine as the pressure in my chest intensifies, and something inside me tugs.
There’s a howl in the distance that forces a shiver down my spine and has my eyes jerking in that direction. It’s not just any wolf. There’s only one I feel so far inside he can rattle the deepest part of my being.
Kicking the kickstand off the ground, I grip the throttle and twist. The tires spin the gravel underneath as the bike propels forward. There’s another agonizing roar. The rumble of the engine lessens the impact on my ears yet does nothing to loosen the grip on my heart or the throbbing where his mark resides.
My wolf wanted you, not me.
That’s what he said. His wolf claimed me. He didn’t. He doesn’t want me, and like hell if I’m going to trade one pack that doesn’t respect me for another. Especially one that sees me as the enemy when I’ve done nothing to give anyone an inkling that I have ill-willed intentions toward the Bloodmoon Pack.
My worth is more than that. I won’t settle for anything less than being a partner’s equal. I want it all.
A best friend.
A lover.
Someone that’ll have my back and know that I will have theirs just the same.
I want someone who chooses me.
Who takes my side above anyone else’s, but also someone that’ll call me on my bullshit when I need it. Not to embarrass or demean me but to help me see things from a different perspective.
I’d hoped that person was Kane, but clearly, I was wrong. It’s not like I can dwell on that fact. I have my brother to find, and if Dick or Henrik did something, they will pay with their lives.