Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
‘Of course you can have another go on the swing! Wait a second, I’ll be right there.’
Beth wrapped up the leftover sandwich – Poppy’s favourite tuna on wholemeal bread – and scanned the park for Poppy’s older brother, Will. He was safely digging in the sandpit, a fierce look of concentration on his face.
They looked so much like Luke. The same hair colour, the way they crinkled their noses when puzzled or annoyed. But they had Beth’s tenacity. Whatever the task, they stuck with it. They never, ever quit.
‘Will!’ Beth called to her son. He didn’t hear her. ‘Will!’
This time he looked up, but his features were blurred. He didn’t look like Luke anymore. And Poppy, sitting on the swing, didn’t look like her daughter.
‘Where are my children?’ Beth screamed, racing towards them. The faster she ran, the more they faded. Shadows with familiar faces, much younger faces, babies—
Beth, wake up.
Beth wanted the voice to go away. To seek refuge in the moment when she’d had a family. Two perfect children, a future to look forward to. But the voice persisted. ‘Beth?’
Dragging her head off the pillow, Beth squinted at the doorway.
‘Hey, it’s only me.’ Angela stood awkwardly, body behind the door, head poking in.
‘Oh, hi, Angela.’ Beth brushed a sweaty strand of hair from her face. She felt exhausted and sure she looked a wreck.
‘Sorry, I heard you cry out. Bad dream?’
Beth nodded. Except it had been a lovely dream. Beth, with two children. Normal life. Ordinary magic.
‘Listen, stay in bed if you want, but Jinnie’s here with Dahlia. We thought we’d stroll into the village with the little ones and grab a coffee at Jo’s. Do you want to join us?’
Beth’s first thought was an emphatic no. Then she pictured two sleeping faces, the scent of warm milk, a life she’d banished to the land of if-only.
‘OK, no worries.’ Angela moved to close the door.
‘Wait. Fresh air would be good. Give me half an hour.’
Angela smiled. ‘No rush. Getting the monsters kitted out takes forever.’
A fast shower, mascara, the faintest bloom of blusher. Leggings, T-shirt, denim jacket. Trainers. Backpack. ‘You can handle this,’ she told the mirror. ‘They’re just babies.’
Beth made her way to Angela and Ed’s quarters. Jinnie and Angela sat at the scrubbed pine table, nursing cups of coffee.
‘Hi, Beth. Glad you can join us.’ Jinnie waggled a rattle in front of Dahlia, already strapped into the double buggy. Ruairi, seated in a highchair, eyed a bowl of mashed banana with disdain.
‘We’re trying to introduce them to solids,’ said Angela, with a sigh. ‘Which makes mealtimes a tad more interesting.’
‘But nappies a lot less appealing!’ said Jinnie, with a wry grin.
On the way to A Bit of Crumpet, Jinnie’s curiosity went into overdrive.
‘How come we know so little about you?’
‘Do you have a big family?’
‘Why choose Cranley when there are far more exciting places to live?’
Beth wished – which immediately brought Gigi to mind – that she had Diana’s backbone. Her ability to plough through crap and come out smelling of roses. She imagined Diana’s response: ‘No comment, meaning none of your fucking business.’
But Beth liked Angela and Jinnie. Being direct – rude – wasn’t in her DNA. So she settled for vague responses.
‘Nothing much to tell, sorry.’
‘Parents gone, no siblings.’
‘I wanted a fresh start. Cranley is just what I needed.’
Angela halted. ‘Jinnie, give the poor woman some air. We’ll catch you up.’
Beth looked down at the buggy. In the time it had taken them to reach the café, both babies had drifted off. Ruairi twitched slightly; Dahlia blew a tiny milk bubble.
‘Beth, Jinnie doesn’t know all about Luke,’ Angela said softly. ‘It’s not my place to share that stuff.’
Beth nodded. ‘Thanks, Angela. I appreciate that.’ She gave Angela a hug before they followed Jinnie inside.
‘Ladies, have I got news for you!’ Janette pushed aside her half-eaten steak bake and clapped her hands with glee.
‘Janette, you promised to keep this under your hat.’ Jo mimed zipping her mouth.
‘Ach, it’ll be all over the showbiz news soon enough. Harvey’s just landed himself a part in a Hollywood blockbuster!’
Beth, Angela and Jinnie gasped in unison.
Jo, however, made a ‘calm down’ gesture.
‘That’s stretching it a bit, ladies. He’s got a minor role as a sidekick to that actor who seems to be in everything these days.
Damn it, what’s his name?’ Jo scrolled through her phone, turning it to face her captive audience.
‘Bloody hell,’ declared Jinnie. ‘That’s Pedro Pascal! Ooh, I loved him in The Last of Us. Even if I sobbed when he—’
‘Stop!’ said Beth. ‘I haven’t seen it yet.’ Not entirely true. She’d watched an episode with Diana and ended up switching to a cute romcom. Too gruesome. Although Beth and Diana had agreed Pedro was very easy on the eye.
After a few minutes of excited chatter about Harvey’s step up the acting ladder, they placed their orders and sat down.
Beth looked at her two newish friends. Nice people, leading happy lives. Well, she assumed they were. People hid things all the time. Like the small matter of a genie in the basement: not something you casually brought up over coffee and cake. But she could tell Jinnie about Luke.
‘I’m married, Jinnie.’ She looked at Angela, who gave a barely perceptible nod. ‘Angela already knows. We’re not together, which is probably stating the obvious. The reason we’re not together is difficult to talk about.’
Jinnie reached out and squeezed Beth’s hand. ‘Then don’t talk about it. Sorry about the grilling earlier. Sam tells me I’m too nosy for my own good.’
‘Nosy is just another word for curious.’ Beth smiled just as Dahlia woke. Her serene features transformed into a full-blown scowl of anguish.
‘Oh, so sorry.’ Jinnie rummaged in her bag, located a scarf and draped it around her. ‘She needs feeding, but my milk supply’s been rubbish. And she won’t latch on, then when she does, it hurts.’
To prove the point, Jinnie winced as Dahlia engaged and then squirmed away. ‘Oh, help. Now I’m leaking. How embarrassing. Excuse me.’ Jinnie plonked a now-apoplectic Dahlia back in the buggy and ran to the toilets. Roused from his slumber, Ruairi joined in.
‘Bet you wish you’d stayed in bed,’ sighed Angela, unstrapping her son. ‘This one’s bottle-fed, so I’ll get Jo to warm it up if you could maybe hold Dahlia for a second.’
Beth looked at Angela in horror. Surely she doesn’t expect me to take charge.
Dahlia’s cries grew louder. A couple in the corner tut-tutted, and Jo made her way over.
You can do this, Beth.
Gigi. The voice in her head. Often irritating and unwanted, but now it soothed her. She could do this.
‘Come on, little one.’ Beth eased Dahlia free and pulled her close to her chest. The warmth, the smell, the sheer fragility of her cracked something in Beth’s heart. A tiny person, trusting in her to provide comfort. ‘There, there. No more tears. You’re safe.’
Dahlia’s sniffles subsided. Beth hugged her closer. Everything around her faded away. She’d woken this morning broken by a dream. But this was reality, and it hadn’t broken her.
‘Beth, thank you!’ Jinnie reappeared, gratitude etched on her face. ‘Look at her. You have the magic touch.’
Beth passed Dahlia back to her mum. ‘There’s no magic involved. You have a beautiful daughter, and that’s something…’
It felt as if the entire café paused. A freeze-frame moment. ‘That’s something to treasure. And if you ever need a babysitter, call me.’
Bravo, purred Gigi. Baby steps, darling, if you can excuse the appalling phraseology.
Oh, you’re forgiven, Gigi.
They wandered home the long way, past the cottage with no name. The stonework looked less battered than it had. Someone was trying.
‘I think you and Kieran would make a nice couple,’ Jinnie said, as if remarking on the weather.
‘Do you?’
Angela’s eyes were kind. ‘We’ve seen you together.’
‘At open mic.’
‘And other times.’
Beth opened her mouth to protest and then closed it again. Couple. The word ricocheted somewhere dangerous.
Up ahead, Kieran appeared, framed by sunshine and midges. The part of Beth that ran on impulse wanted to sprint towards him and blurt; I held a baby. Ridiculous. Not his business. But…
A sleek 4x4 swung to the kerb. An attractive woman climbed out and wrapped Kieran in a hug. It lasted a beat too long. From this distance, the kiss looked like lips.
‘Beth?’ Jinnie’s voice tugged her back. ‘Who’s that with Kieran?’
The pair got into the car. The 4x4 slid away.
Beth swallowed. ‘How should I know?’ She turned away from where the car had been. ‘Come on,’ she said briskly. ‘Let’s get out of here.’