Chapter 8 Failure
eight
Failure
*FELIX*
Istare at the red on the paper in my hands, the words jumbling in front of my eyes. Fifty-three percent on my statistics exam. I didn’t pass… again. And goddess knows that I really made an effort.
“Hey, Felix.” Dario, my twin brother, approaches me with a worried expression on his face. “Is everything okay?”
Instead of an answer, I show him the results of the exam.
“Oh,” he says quietly.
Running my fingers through my hair, I turn towards him.
We didn’t choose the same major, as Dario chose physics and mathematics, something I am definitely not smart enough for.
This is the only class we share. I notice he has put his own paper away.
“Don’t hide it,” I say. “If you hide your own achievements, it won’t make me feel better. ”
“It just doesn’t seem like the right moment.”
“Come on, Dario.”
He sighs, showing me his results. He got a full score, as usual. He is really academically gifted.
“Wait, you got an extra point!” I stare at the numbers, noting that he managed to think of two ways to solve one of the tasks.
“This is fucking awesome!” I wave my own exam at him.
“If only I had one tiny part of your brain. Our distribution in Mom’s womb really wasn’t fair.
I am muscles with no brain, and you are muscles with a brain. ”
“I am by far not as athletic and strong as you are,” Dario says. “And don’t talk down on yourself. This is just a small test. It means nothing.” He takes the paper out of my hands, skimming over it. “In fact, you did quite well.”
“Now you are lying.”
“I am not. You had the correct intuition. We just need to build on that.”
Dario successfully managed to get me through high school, but I can’t keep relying on him. His schedule is insane already with his own classes, plus his training in the pack. He can’t spend hours on top of that tutoring me.
“Why can’t I keep this stuff in my head?” I ask. “I read everything, I take notes, I try, but it doesn’t stick. And when I need to deliver, the letters and the words seem to dance through my mind.”
“Our whole school system is made for neurotypical kids,” Dario says. “They should teach us a variety of methods to learn and study. It’s not your fault, it’s the system’s.”
“But how is this going to help me?” I sigh. “And now I am going to disappoint Dad again.”
“Come on, you know he isn’t disappointed.”
I know he is right. We were fortunate enough to be blessed with parents who didn’t mind bad marks as long as we tried. The only time Dad got angry concerning school-related stuff was when I skipped school for a week, but never for a failed test.
I just hate being a failure. Everyone in my family is smart.
They might not all be as academically gifted as Dario or our oldest brother, but all of them have studied with ease.
I have one brother who dropped out of college due to dealing with his own trauma, but two years ago, he picked up his studies again and just finished them with no problem, all the while handling his many charitable side-projects, his mate and his position in his pack.
Meanwhile, I have no duties other than studying and training, but I can’t even do that.
“Let’s go and grab something to eat,” Dario offers. “My treat.”
“It sucks that I always need to rely on my younger brother to raise my spirits,” I say.
“You are only older by a couple of minutes,” Dario chuckles.
Together we make our way from campus, towards a Mexican restaurant I like. Seems like my twin really wants to indulge me. On our way, we pass a group of girls. They are looking at us, staring and whispering, but when I wink at them, they giggle.
My flirting doesn’t really mean anything. Not to me, not to them. For them, I am just a good fuck, but not relationship material. Sucks being stupid, and it’s one of the reasons that I have stopped dating anyone. Against popular belief, I don’t just want to fuck!
Dario doesn’t receive much attention from a crowd usually, but those who approach him actually want to get to know him better. Unlike me, he doesn’t thrive on attention, but he also doesn’t receive a lot of it.
In my opinion, he is a real catch, and anyone who doesn’t find him awesome can go and suck someone else’s dick!
I don’t accept anyone belittling my brother.
“Do you have plans today?” Dario asks me after we found an empty table in the restaurant and ordered quite a lot of food. The waitress looked at us skeptically, probably wondering how two guys could eat that much, but being a shifter burns so many calories.
“I originally wanted to go to a party,” I say.
“You don’t want to go anymore?”
“No, I don’t feel like it.”
“Felix,” Dario sighs.
“I will go if you go.”
Dario furrows his brows. “You know I hate parties. Don’t put this on me!”
“Fine, I just really don’t feel like it.”
“Because of that stupid test?”
“Maybe,” I say. “But it’s not just that. I don’t feel like I truly connect with anyone.”
“But everyone likes you,” Dario says softly. “When you go somewhere, everyone wants to be in your vicinity.”
“But that’s the point. They like me, but don’t love me. I’m not like Annie.”
Annie is my oldest brother’s mate and the luna of their pack. She was born to be a luna; it’s obvious by the way her pack members and other people in general seek out her warmth. Unlike with me, they truly want to connect with her.
“I don’t think any of us can compare with Annie,” Dario says.
“How come you never feel self-conscious?”
“Are you kidding?” he snorts. “I am the youngest sibling. I always feel self-conscious. I am the weakest of all of us. I am barely alpha material.”
“That’s not true!” I protest.
“It is,” he says. “But it’s okay. I made peace with that fact long ago. I don’t want to lead a pack anyway.”
“You have a lot of strengths,” I point out. “Having muscles is just one small part.”
He looks at me thoughtfully. “How about you use the same thinking on yourself?” he says. “Being school-smart is also just one small part, and has nothing to do with being intelligent or not.”
“I call a truce.”
“We weren’t even fighting!”
“I just don’t want to talk about it,” I admit. “But to get back on topic, I don’t feel the party much.”
“Okay,” he says. “But just for the record. You have good friends.”
“Who?” I push.
“Well, there is Charlie,” he says. Charlie is a year younger, and we befriended her during high school.
She is probably what we would consider our best friend.
Dario then mentions some other guys and girls from the same circle around Charlie, but technically, they are all joint friends.
Dario has a few friends in his own circle, while I don’t have anyone.
I am a friend of many, which means I am a friend of none.
It’s not the only thing about me I feel wary about.
“My gift sucks,” I say into the silence.
“I think it’s a great gift,” Dario argues. “Much better than mine.”
“I think yours is cooler,” I say.
“Actually, it would be the coolest if our gifts were a joint one,” Dario says. “Together it would be amazing.”
“Yeah, kinda weird how split it feels,” I admit.
The waitress brings our food, and we fall into silence while shoveling in our food. Eventually, Dario looks up. “Why don’t we hang out?” he offers. “We haven’t done that in a while. Every time we hung out, we had to study.”
I perk up. “Yes. How about we let our wolves out and go for a run!”
“Sounds great. My wolf is getting restless anyway.”
“Mine, too.”
Indeed, my wolf instantly perks up at the promise of going for a run. Kiran is always in it for some action. Just like me, he isn’t too big on learning and studying, but loves to train and to just be outside. We both love the adrenaline rush.
Dario and I make it home after our afternoon lecture. We don’t have the same one, but they run approximately at the same time. I tried to take notes and to be as attentive as possible, but my mind couldn’t seem to stay focused for more than a couple of minutes.
To make matters worse, the more pressure I put on myself, the worse my spelling gets, too. I tend to mix up letters, but also words. It sucks.
“Done?” Dario asks me when I exit the lecture hall.
“Yeah, the professor took longer to explain something to us.” I pause. “Can we not talk about Uni, please?”
“Sure,” Dario agrees. He barely argues with me, and sometimes that makes me feel bad, like I am taking advantage of his kindness.
We take Dario’s car home – most of the time we come together and take turns driving. “Did you have training today?” I ask him. “I think you mentioned that Beta Vincent is training you in the morning.”
“I did,” Dario says, not adding any more.
“Good or bad?” I ask carefully, not sure if his silence means he doesn’t want to talk about it. He is more introverted than I am and doesn’t waste many words in general.
Obviously, I am the chatterbox of the family. Mom and I both are.
“Neither,” he says. “Beta Vincent is a good mentor, though. I am probably going to learn more from him than from Dad.”
“You do know that Dad didn’t quit training you because he thinks you aren’t good enough, don’t you?”
“I am the only one, though,” he says.
“It doesn’t mean anything,” I argue. “He explained why. He thinks you need to build up more defensive moves, and that’s not his forte. That’s what Vince is good at!”
“It’s not his forte because he is an alpha,” he says, his voice calm. “But out of us six, I am the only one with that problem. He has trained all of our siblings, and he is training you.”
“You told me not to belittle myself,” I point out. “And to see my strengths instead. How about you do the same?”
“Throwing my own words back at me,” he smiles. “Serves me right.”
“We really need to get our minds off our problems,” I say.
“Yeah.”
We drive the rest of the way in silence, but that’s not unusual for us.
We don’t always need words to feel comfortable with each other.
When we arrive at the pack, the sun is already setting, meaning the packhouse is less busy.
Dario and I make a beeline for our rooms to drop off our stuff and to take an extra set of clothes just to be sure.
On our way out, we bump into our father. “You snuck in and are sneaking out again,” he chuckles.
“Sorry,” I grin. “We wanted to go for a run.” I halt. “Don’t tell me I forgot something again! Goddess, I did, didn’t I?”
“You didn’t,” he reassures me. “Have fun. Oh,” he pauses. “Didn’t you have your statistics lecture today?” Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Dario shaking his head subtly. Dad frowns, looking a tad confused, but then smiles. “Forget it. It’s not important.”
I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I don’t want to be so oversensitive that I can’t talk about college, but on the other hand, I appreciate that he didn’t push.
“Oh, Dario,” Dad says before we can leave. “Gisela was looking for you.”
Dario perks up. “Awesome! Is she still around?”
“She is training.”
With that, we finally make our way out of the packhouse.
Dario wants to go to see Gisela first. She is one of our friends, though technically she was Charlie’s friend first. She looks like a delicate little angel with her wavy, blonde hair and her big, blue eyes, but she is vicious in the best way possible!
Recently, she began the warrior training in my brother’s pack and came to us for a couple of months to train here.
“Man, Liam must really think she is talented if he sent her here,” I say.
“Yeah, he wants her to train with the lycans,” Dario explains. “He is hoping she will soon be able to join the advanced warrior training.”
“Really? How do you know?”
“I asked Liam,” he says.
I grin. “Didn’t expect such a simple explanation.”
When we arrive at the training hall, Gisela instantly notices us. Beta Vincent is leading the training, and they are currently having a short break. She uses it to dash towards us like a whirlwind, hugging Dario and slapping my shoulder. “I got what you asked for, Dario,” she proclaims. “Here.”
She tosses a bag at him. “You got it?” he beams.
“Yes, Limited Edition and all!”
I gaze at the item. It’s a graphic novel Dario is reading, a tad too dark for my liking, but he seems to be really into it.
“You are the best,” he says. “I owe you.”
“You can pay me back with food,” she grins.
“Got you.”
“Are you going somewhere?”
“Felix and I are going for a run.”
She nods, continuing chatting with Dario while I watch them. This is it, my usual problem. Gisela is our friend, but it seems like she connects with Dario in a way she can’t with me. Maybe I am just reading way too much into it, as Dario says, but this insecurity keeps gnawing at me.
After Dario takes the graphic novel back to his room, we are finally ready to shift and run.
Ever since I shifted for the first time, I’ve gotten addicted to running like this.
There is something about the way I can speed through the forest, one with the nature around me, that’s truly grounding.
It makes my worries feel less burdensome.
The feeling became enhanced after an incident forced me into a wheelchair for a year or so. My wolf managed to heal me once we came into our power. But that one year taught me to appreciate the things I have.
Dario might be connecting with Gisela, but he is right; other friends share a connection with me, too.
It doesn’t mean anything, and I need to stop moping around.
Dario can interact with our friends on a deeper level because of his interests; maybe I should focus on that, too, finding someone I can build a connection with.
I never used to be so self-conscious, and I don’t know what changed.