Chapter 34 Self-Doubts
thirty-four
Self-Doubts
*FELIX*
It seems that when face-to-face with a bunch of adorable pets, everyone finds their inner child again.
Dalila is head over heels for the capybara, while Marcellus and Tony seem to have taken a liking to the alpaca.
Meanwhile, Henry pretends not to be interested in the Pallas’s cat, but whenever it meows grumpily, he can’t help but grin.
Even Liam is amused. “You were not kidding when you said it’s a zoo,” he says.
“I think we have an addition almost daily,” I chuckle. “The alpaca was a surprise, though. I have no idea where it came from.”
“And the bird?” Mom asks.
“Which one?” I ask. “We have three now.”
“The black one.” Her gaze is pinned on Tiger, who sits at his usual spot, overseeing everything.
“Oh, she was the first,” I explain. “Gwen saved her while she was still in her old pack, and then she never left her side.” I pause. “Why?”
“Nothing,” she says, smiling brightly. “I was just asking.”
Liam and I exchange a glance. “Definitely keep an eye on the bird,” Liam mutters after Mom has skipped off to find Dad. “When Mom says she was just asking, she certainly wasn’t just asking.”
“Yeah, I know.” I frown. “It didn’t do anything weird, though.”
“I don’t think it’s dangerous,” Liam says. “Mom certainly wouldn’t let anyone hurt her family. But I think it might be…” he pauses, “special.”
“What? Like Titan?” My sister’s cat is a demon pet, but so far, there are only two of them we know about. My parents weren’t able to find any more. “Wouldn’t that be a lot of coincidence that all the demons are somehow around us?”
He shrugs. “You never know.”
Seeing how both of us are alone for a moment, I decide to grasp the chance. “Liam, can I ask you something?”
“Of course, anytime.”
“I am not sure how to voice it…”
At this, I have his full attention. He frowns before grabbing two bottles of beer and steering me outside. “Let’s sit on the terrace for a moment. Everyone else is distracted by your zoo anyway.”
“Okay.” I take the beer, sitting down on one of our garden chairs. Liam sits opposite me, not saying anything. “It’s probably stupid,” I finally say.
“I am sure it’s not.”
“Alright.” I take a deep breath. I am not one to beat around the bush usually, and I probably shouldn’t start now.
“Gwen is fantastic,” I say. “She is really it for me. I think even without the mate bond, I would have totally felt drawn to her, because she is who she is. She is so strong and mature, and she has so much to offer.”
Liam looks at me thoughtfully. “But?”
“But nothing. It’s just that I don’t,“ I pause. “I don’t have much to offer. Everything I have to offer is thanks to my status and the family I was born into. Sheer luck, you know.”
Liam rubs his temples. “What makes you think that?” he finally asks.
This is exactly why I chose him to talk to.
Every other member of my family would have rebuffed my words immediately and told me it isn’t true, or they would have laughed, and then told me it isn’t true, but Liam actually takes me seriously; he always has.
“It’s always been like that,” I tell him.
“The girls I dated in school always thought of me as shallow.”
“I get where you are coming from,” he says.
“But they only said that because they never were interested in you as a person in the first place. They did the same with Marius and Aurelia. They only wanted to get into Aurelia’s pants because she was the beautiful alpha’s daughter, and Mari, the handsome young prince.
Finn was treated like a superstar in school and college, and he hated it.
He was constantly harassed. And when I was in school, everyone just saw my status.
Do you think they were truly interested in me?
They just knew I was an alpha’s heir. It’s the reason I only had very few friends back then, because I couldn’t trust anyone.
Not many of our peers were interested in us on a deeper level.
When they call you shallow, it’s the same.
They don’t bother getting to know you, they aren’t interested, because all they see is your family’s name and status.
But it doesn’t make it true! And it’s also not all of them, is it?
You have friends who like you for who you are, like Charlie and Gisela, for example, and Gwen obviously doesn’t even remotely care about your rank or name.
She didn’t even know who you were at first.”
“I have never thought of it like that,” I admit.
“I am not too hung up on what the other kids called me back then. But we don’t need to beat around the bush,” I say.
“I know that compared to all of you, I am the least smart. I am just not good at studying. I never was a good student, I suck at remembering things. I know I am not a bad warrior, but most of you are better, and not just because you have experience. I know my appearance is appealing to others, but again, it’s not much compared to Marius’ charisma, to Finn’s fancy appearance, to your handsome features or to Dario’s uniqueness.
” I pause. “I am not trying to fish for compliments or hear that it’s not true, and all that, because I know. I know it is true.”
Liam rubs his hand over his chin. “Don’t you think compared to us, you are the most empathic?” he asks.
I shrug. “Maybe, but Finn is incredibly empathic, and you are too. Both of you can also read a situation very well, so coupled with some empathy, you just are better. And Marius' whole work revolves around him being empathic.”
“Your error is to think you need to be the best or have the most of something for it to count, but that isn’t true.
Everyone has someone in this world who is better than them.
Pitting us against each other isn’t fair, because none of us is good at everything.
Marius is smart and witty, but just like everyone else, he is battling his insecurities.
He is aware that there are people who might be funnier or smarter, he just doesn’t care.
It doesn’t bother him anymore. Look at Arden, who is clearly the most intelligent person in every room.
Compared to him, we are all dumb. Finn might look special to you, but he himself feels different.
He used to feel like he was constantly standing in Marius’ shadow, while Marius thought for years he was standing in mine. ”
“And you?” I ask.
“I was constantly in Dad’s shadows,” he says honestly. “Growing up, I always felt I needed to be more like him. As strong, as witty, as confident, as sociable. I just felt inferior. I clashed with him all the time because of it.”
“What? I didn’t know that!”
“Yeah,” he chuckles. “I know, none of you do. I never told him either. He never had this kind of expectation of me. He just felt worried about my strong lycan spirit, and I guess deep inside, he battled his own trauma with his dad, and overcompensated in another way. But all of that doesn’t matter.
I am my own person. I can’t live up to my father, and I don’t have to. ”
“But you make it all look so easy!”
He snorts. “Annalise is much better at dealing with tense political situations; she has the better nerve and just generally the better overview of things. She felt inferior when we first met, and I did too. Because she is so fun and sweet, and so pleasant to be around, and everyone immediately liked her. People flocked to her like moths to the light. Then we realized that we don’t need to be perfect for each other, it was fine to be the way we are.
She is the social butterfly with a gentle soul, and I am the stoic alpha who is just more on the introverted side.
We are only seen as renowned leaders because we are in it together.
The same goes for Dad. He has Mom with him.
He isn’t doing it alone. Took me a while to get that, to be honest, but when I met Annalise and took over Red Claw, I started to realize it.
” He pauses. “I guess what I am trying to say is that you don’t need to be the best, you don’t need to be the greatest. None of us is.
You are allowed to be insecure and have doubts.
But at the end of the day, you are enough the way you are, and you are exactly the person Gwen needed and needs.
You keep saying you don’t have much to offer compared to her, but isn’t being who you are exactly the best thing you could offer? ”
“I am the person Gwen needs,” I mutter.
Liam smiles. “If you need proof, remember that you are mates.”
For a moment, I linger on my own thoughts, letting Liam’s words sink in. We don’t sit in silence for long, though, because the terrace door opens slightly.
“Liam?” Annie peeks out of the door. “Here you are.”
Liam’s earnest face lights up the moment he sees her. “Annalise.” He gets up, wrapping her into his arms. She instantly responds, smiling up at him. “Did something happen?”
“Marius got a glimpse into Marina’s mind,” she says. “I think we should discuss it immediately. Marius will join us.”
Liam nods. “I will just fetch my father. Let me guess, you already have some theories?”
“I do,” Annie admits. “Which is why it would be good to discuss them right now, while Marius’ memory is still fresh.”
Liam smiles. “Let’s head to Dad’s office.” He turns to me. “Are you okay, Felix?”
“Yes,” I tell him. “Thank you, really, thank you, Liam. I think I get it now.”
I watch them leave, noting how Liam has his arm around Annie. I never paid much attention to it, but now I see it much clearer. He is always so serious, but with her, he is different. He can be himself. He can be vulnerable and show her a side no one else knows.
I am still caught in my thoughts when I pick up my favorite scent in the world, and Gwen sneaks out of the door. She instantly approaches me and sits down on my lap, snuggling against me. “Finally,” she sighs. “I am so glad I am back with you.”
I wrap my arms around her. “Long day, huh?”
“Yes,” she yawns. “It seems like Marius saw something in Marina’s mind, and Annie has her own speculations about it. Felix, I… I have a favor to ask of you. It’s totally okay if you think it’s too much, or if you think it won’t do any good.”
I take her hand, entwining our fingers. “What do you need me to do?”
“Your gift is to give those around you happy feelings, right?” She looks flustered. “That’s probably a stupid explanation of your gift.”
“You are not wrong,” I reassure her. “It’s rather making them relaxed than making them happy, though.”
“Would… would you use it on Marina? I just would love for her to leave this world feeling calm. If there is still a part of her remaining, I am sure it is constantly reminded of the horrible things that happened to her.” She pauses. “I know it’s a lot to ask.”
“It’s not,” I exclaim. “I would love to help. I am such a dunce. Why did I not think of doing that in the first place?!”
She smiles brightly. “I am so happy. Thank you.”
She snuggles against me, taking a deep breath as if she wants to take in my scent.
It reminds me of what Liam just said. He is right.
At the end of the day, it’s important how Gwen feels about me.
I don’t need to be the best or the greatest, as long as I make her and myself happy, it’s fine.
She came home, and her first thought was to seek out my presence.
She just asked me for help. This means more to me than anything else.