16. Chapter 16
I can't think right now.
All I know is that I need to stay away from him. I had an idea of what I was going to be doing all this time, and maybe he was right.
I am all talk and no action.
I’d be foolish to assume that he's someone that I could be with and definitely not in that space with again.
All this time, my mind and my body had been calling him.
Not in a way that I was planning to get serious about, like teasing him—yes, fun.
So fun taunting him over the phone and even in person, rage baiting him to complete frustration—all a good time—never doubting that whatsoever, but this got way, way more serious than I ever intended it to be.
He is trying to know me, and he's trying to know me even after he sees how far down I can go. Like the chasm that I know I am—there's nothing but bottomless depth here.
There is nothing once you keep going down.
There's absolutely nothing there.
What was I supposed to do when I dropped, and he was there to catch me?
He was holding me… even after.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all this information.
How I'm supposed to piece it together in any way that makes sense? Especially when it was not supposed to happen in the first place.
I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me? This man literally put me into a fucking trunk, and next thing you know, I have his dick inside me.
What am I doing?
I have to do something with all of this feeling, emotions. I've got to do something with them.
What can I do when the only thing I want is to try again?
It's been years since I even trusted anyone to take control like that. He called me doll, and the shivers of recalling his deep voice identifying me that way only makes me want to scream. There's too many thoughts bouncing around in my head, and I have to do something about it.
I'm going to the Chrome Flame. I've got to go to the Chrome and sort my shit out, because, as of right now, I am doing not well. Maybe if I go and shake my ass on stage and pick up a few ones, a few twenties, a few hundreds—I’ll feel better. It'll completely reset me.
I get into the shower, knowing that I've already been cleaned by Vert last night. I can still feel his hands on me, so the best I can do is a hot shower to try and erase that memory.
It doesn’t work very well.
How much can a doll take?
When I get out, I put on a pink leather skirt covered in buckles, a green, pink, and yellow crop top with no bra, and complete it with chunky black platform heels that buckle around the ankle.
I need so much jewelry on right now. I wear bracelets up my arm and several necklaces stacked high.
With makeup to match I could get on stage right now.
But this isn’t for the stage, it’s for me.
I need to feel like myself again. Slowly but surely, I’m starting to.
Calling a ride share, I wait until they’re close to step out of my house.
The ride to the Chrome is quick and easy because I can remember doing it many times. When I get there, the familiar smell of the place helps me to relax further.
I’m home, so I look for Liezel first. Once I find her, I can get on the schedule for tonight, and hopefully I'll be able to dance myself back to normal.
I still have a locker here, even though I'm not really a dancer anymore, especially not since Racquelle recognized my certain set of skills and put me to use in other ways.
When she sees me, she squeezes me tight.
Her sunshine scent filling my nostrils and grounding me further.
Amongst her long black waves, I can imagine that nothing happened last night.
Holding me so close to her, I can almost forget that I have a huge bandage under my crop top.
I'll have to wear some sort of teddy, and I definitely won't be stripping.
It'll be just dancing tonight, but it's as much as I need.
I try to hide my wince, but she recognizes it right away. She immediately holds me at a distance so she can look over my person. "What's wrong?" she asks.
"Nothing's wrong," I say, popping a hip to one side and letting my bag hang over my shoulder.
"Oh, I caught that. You can't hide from me.” Of course, the woman who taught me everything I know about kink would register me hiding pain. There is no way I'll get around her observation. “What happened?"
"I'm fine. Who's on the list tonight? Can I get on?"
She looks at me, confusion written on her face. “For what?"
"Because I want to dance,” I say, swaying to the song that plays around us.
Still confused, she says, “Okay, well, then dance on the floor."
"But I want to make some money…”
"You need money. How much do you need?"
Shaking my head, I assure her, “Liezel, it's not about that."
"Okay. Well, you just said it was.” I huff and roll my eyes, getting frustrated that she won’t let me just add my name to the list. It’s not like I can go to any other clubs right now. “So, why is it that you want to get on stage? I'm full tonight."
I blink my best puppy eyes at her. “You sure I can't?"
"I'm extra positive. So, what's up?"
"Nothing,” I say, looking over my boots shimmering in the multicolor lighting.
She sighs and then, “You can work behind the bar."
"I don't want to work behind the bar. So cramped back there, and people get really mean if you get their drink wrong.”
Liezel begins walking us away from the bar toward the back of the room. “Sweetheart, I'm hearing a lot of nothing right now."
For a moment, I just look at my friend’s face.
She’s always been more than that to me but right now, she’s the closest thing I have to family.
If anyone could help me right now, then it would be here.
It’s been a while since we’ve talked anyway.
“Liezel, what would you say if, theoretically, I did something that was sort of reckless? "
She laughs and then smirks, the abandon of the sound, calming something in my chest. “You doing something reckless?" She manages to ask once she’s calmed down.
"Yea, I know.” A small smile stretches my cheeks. “Can you believe it?"
She chuckles, this time more to herself. "I can,” she says without judgement.
Of the two of them, Racquelle has always been the one who was more careful with me.
Always keeping me around to make sure nothing happened to me, checking on me often, and treating me like her delicate thing.
At one point, I needed that from her. When she saw what my pain could be, that’s when I got some of my freedom back.
But not completely. I was surprised that she had let me come to Atlanta without her in the first place.
I guess her trust in Vert must be immense since she has barely checked on me.
"Well, I may have done something I can't take back,” I admit.
With the tone of my words, she stops laughing. “Like what?"
My head tilts as I think of the grumpy man who I left this morning. “I can't exactly say what it is, but I can say that I'm feeling like I regret it."
"You regretting something? What was it? Did you buy—"
"It wasn't something I bought, although I should buy something…”
"Yea, shopping does help temporarily, but, emotionally? I don’t think so. You said something you regretted. That’s serious.” Her eyes grow in size, and she pulls me over to the side of the hallway we're in. "What did you say? To who?"
"Well, it's not really that.” I’d told Vert about Chris. He was where my down spiral began. Talking about him was never an issue for me. It was what happened after him that hurt most to utter aloud.
Her perfectly manicured eyebrow scrunch on her forehead. “Okay? I'm so confused on what's happening right now. What did you do?”
On an exhale and a rush I confess, “Well, I kind of told someone about Chris.”
Eyebrows shooting up to her hairline, she reaches for my arms, “Why?” Her question isn’t panicked but concerned.
"I don't know. I just... What do you do when you overshare? I mean, you can't take back words that someone's already heard. They heard them.” And I know Vert will never forget the things I said.
“They heard them,” she repeats, holding my eyes with her own.
"I know, but, like, I just want them to forget that I said that in the first place." He was so focused and attentive, I know he’ll never let those words go.
“You can't now. What's so bad about sharing something about yourself?"
"I ended up sleeping with that person."
"Okay. Now, this is getting juicy,” she drags out, and then chuffs. "So, if you shared this and you slept with them, they must be something serious. When am I gonna meet them?"
"No,” I shake my head. “You're missing the point. The point is that I don't ever talk about that."
"Who would you ever talk to? The only people that you ever let close to you are me and Racquelle, and we know the story front and back." I wince from her perception. She sees what a big deal this is for me. “But you are evolved from that… You've healed."
“What if I haven't healed? I…”Cross my arms, being careful of the bandage at my side and rephrase, “What if that pain is still present and… everything that I felt at that point, and even more so, everything after, is not healed?"
"Then I would tell you we can work through it,” her gentle expression allowing me to take a breath of relief, if only for a moment.
“He said he wanted to fix me."
"He? Fix you?" she questions, and I wince again, and this time not from physical pain, but from embarrassment.
"I..."
“So this person you told is not someone that you are in a relationship with?” she hedges.
I shake my head, “No.” Though the thought of being in a relationship with Vert is not as unappealing as I thought in the past, though.
I don't think I really thought anything about being in a relationship with him because it just seemed so unlikely.
He's always trying to catch me in the act or prove me wrong or put me in my place, which, in my mind, never really amounted to this is going to be the next guy to date or be with in that way, but then last night happened…