6. Violet
SIX
VIOLET
My heartbeat is a mere pitter-patter in my chest as my back lies parallel to the floor. My earbuds are fastened in my ears, the volume so high I had to bypass the warning on my phone to listen. Music swirls in my ears, an array of tempos vibrating through me.
I keep my eyes closed, using my sense of hearing more than anything. Lyrics to a song I haven’t heard before enter my head, but all I can seem to focus on is the piano music in the background and how it pairs perfectly with the bass. Words string into lines that mean nothing and everything.
The truth is, every syllable pecks me raw, making me simultaneously numb and responsive to the agonizing pain that comes in waves with every breath. I breathe in, and it's there. Right under the surface in the most infuriating way. Like it isn’t even ashamed. And then I breathe out, and it lingers in my bloodstream, curling around my heart and rushing through my veins like they’re a roller coaster track.
It rockets through my system. I’m taken on a whiplash-inducing thrill ride. I’d beg the operator to let me off, except she’s me. I’m the one who hits that button that starts the ride all over again without lifting the bars to exit.
It’s the worst kind of nightmare.
If I just opened my eyes, I know it’d lessen the emotion smothering me. But then I’d feel the aftermath on my cheeks. Streams of tears and the burden of itchy, swollen eyes after crying one too many minutes, and I don’t want that, either.
I want none of this, but I’ve been subjected to it, anyway.
Something warm flits over my hand, and I have no choice but to crack my eyes and let in light. My surroundings come back in a flash. The white ceiling of the apartment building’s gym, particularly the yoga room I use regularly. The wall of mirrors is off to my right, and I don’t dare look at them. I don’t want to see what it looks like to have had my heart thrown back at me. I’m too scared my wobbly hands will drop it on the dirty ground. As it stands, I’m the one holding it in pieces, wondering when someone is going to come along with the glue to fasten it back together.
I blink against the bright lights and find Everleigh kneeled at my side. Sebastian stands next to her, his lips contorted into a frown. Everleigh’s expression doesn’t look much better. One glance at both of them, and I can see the worry present.
Worry for me.
For where my head and heart might be.
Because the man I’m hopelessly in love with left.
He broke up with me…and walked out .
I pull a bud out of my ear and pause the music. “Hey.”
“It’s getting late,” Everleigh says.
My brows furrow in response to her statement. “What time is it?”
“After one,” Sebastian answers, tucking his hands into a pair of sweats. I look back over at Ev and realize she’s in her pajamas, too. I check the time on my phone to confirm that minutes have faded into the early morning hours.
“I didn’t realize.” I lift into a seated position.
“You’ve been down here for hours,” Everleigh says, nibbling at her lower lip like there’s more she wants to say but isn’t sure if she should.
When Colson left me last night—or well, two nights ago—they were the first people to know. And while they’ve been trying to give me space to work through it, they’ve also been making sure I take care of myself.
Sebastian drops down to his knees next to Everleigh and reaches for my shoulder. His fingers curl around it and squeeze gently. “You’re strong.” I don’t feel it . “You’ll get through this.” Will I? “You both will and will be better because of it. Even if it feels like shit right now.”
“Shitty isn’t really the word to describe what’s going on in my body,” I murmur, looking at my friend. My voice cracks when one little word falls out of my mouth. One that has circled my mind for hours now. “Why?”
Why did he do this to me?
“I don’t know, Vi,” Sebastian answers with a look on his face that tells me how much he hates that I’m sad. “He’s going through a lot. He probably doesn’t even understand the weight of the decisions he’s making. You shouldn’t overthink it. I’m one hundred percent positive that him breaking up with you had nothing to do with you and every-fucking-thing to do with him.”
“Sebastian is right, Violet,” Everleigh adds, tucking a strand of her brown hair behind her ear. She reaches out and takes my hand in hers. “He’ll realize how much of a mistake he made.”
“I don’t think he will,” I mumble. I saw the look in Colson’s eyes right before he left. They didn’t. They didn’t see the devastation outlined in his irises. How it flooded the blue in them and darkened them to a color I never even knew they were capable of. He was a completely different person. One washed out from hopelessness.
“Then he’s making one of the biggest mistakes of his fucking life,” Sebastian asserts, gripping my shoulder tight again. Only one emotion stirs inside of me as he gently turns my gaze to his—visceral heartbreak. “I know you love the hell out of him, but don’t fall victim to the same pain he’s suffering.”
“Easier said than done.”
“Faith,” he says. “It takes you knowing that one day he’ll pull his head of out his ass and grovel like no fucking tomorrow to get another chance with you.”
I swallow the emotion filling my throat as Sebastian’s unwavering gaze barrels into me.
“I know he loves you. You know he loves you.”
“There’s no other valid reason for him doing what he did,” Everleigh adds.
I shake my head. “This can’t be love. Love doesn’t feel like this. ” Like I weigh a thousand pounds and nothing at the same time. Like each of my extremities are in a vise and all of them are slowly ripping me apart. Like nothing is worth getting out of bed for.
“Love is as big as the heartbreak it causes,” murmurs Sebastian, lifting to his feet. “Now, let’s go. You’re not staying down here half the night by yourself.”
“Says who?” I rasp in an attempt to lighten the load on my chest. It doesn’t really help.
“Both of us,” Everleigh says firmly, crossing her arms as she matches Sebastian’s stance. “He’ll take your legs, and I’ll take your arms. We’ll carry your ass back upstairs if we need to.”
“You do know I can just hoist her over my shoulder, right?” he says with a smirk as he glances down at Everleigh.
“Shut up.” She nudges him in the side. “I was trying to add to your point. That there’s no way in hell we’re letting her stay down here on her own.” She holds out a hand to me. Sebastian does the same. Reluctantly, I pocket my phone and ear buds and grasp each of their palms. They hoist me to my feet, and then I’m tugged forward in a group hug, two sets of arms circling and squeezing me.
We stand there for a minute before I pull away and follow them out and to the elevator. We ride it up to our floor, and when the doors slide open, Sebastian ruffles my hair before promising to reach out tomorrow. Ev and I wave our goodbyes and make it inside our quiet apartment.
We toe off our shoes and end up in the kitchen. Because I skipped dinner, I grab an apple out of the fruit basket and rinse it under the faucet. Everleigh pours a glass of orange juice in silence before a raised voice travels out from the bedrooms.
I snap my gaze to hers because Sylvia is the only other person who would be here. And we haven’t exactly spent a lot of time with her. She’s been too busy doing her own thing, and honestly, I’m surprised she’s home. There are some nights she doesn’t return at all, or is out super late.
“She wasn’t home when I left,” Everleigh tells me in a muted voice. “Is someone with her?”
I crane my neck and focus on what I’m hearing. I can’t make out the words Sylvia says, but can definitely tell it’s her. No other voice joins in when she quiets for half a minute. “I don’t think so. She must be on the phone.”
Everleigh’s eyes go wide as she creeps to the other end of the kitchen near the hallway. She’s there all of a second before Sylvia’s door rips open, and she stomps toward us. She doesn’t see us at first, her sights set on her phone. But then she raises her chin and catches us already looking at her.
Everleigh does a good job acting as if she wasn’t just trying to eavesdrop on her conversation. “Hey, Sylvia. Everything okay?”
Sylvia gives her a dirty look, her phone still clutched in her hand like it’s a lifeline. “You break up with Tristan, and now you suddenly care about what’s going on around you?” She rolls her eyes. “Typical.”
A flash of hurt crosses Everleigh’s features. “That’s not true. I cared about you while I was with him as well.”
“Whatever,” Sylvia huffs out. She grabs something from the junk drawer at the edge of the kitchen. A charger by the looks of it. “You don’t need to feel bad pushing everyone but Tristan to the side now that you two are over.”
“Sylvia, that’s not what this is.” The tone in Everleigh’s voice tells me she’s taking offense to Sylvia’s harshness.
A spark of defense flickers in me. “She was just trying to be nice,” I tell Sylvia. “You don’t need to bite her head off.”
Sylvia purses her lips and turns on me. “Please, I don’t need you up my ass, too. Tell me, has that piece of shit boyfriend of yours set you free yet? You look fucking awful.”
You don’t even know.
She squints at me, and it’s like she can read my mind. “Oh, my God. He dumped your ass, didn’t he?” She throws her head back and laughs. “And here I thought my night was turning to shit.”
Shame builds in me until it traces along my body, outlining me from head to toe. I don’t know why. I’m not the one whose character is in question. Still, I don’t want anyone questioning Colson’s, either. A handful of excuses rests on my tongue, ready to come to his defense despite how he has treated me.
“You’re better off without him. Just like you were better off without Webber,” Sylvia remarks like she has the right.
I don’t miss how she doesn’t ask if I’m okay. If I need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to me. There’s no dedication on her part, no assurance she’s there for me and no promise of making his life a living hell for causing me pain.
I hold my excuses back, not giving her a single ounce of my attention. She wouldn’t understand, anyway. It’s clear who my real friends are—Sebastian and Everleigh.
I square my shoulders with my apple in hand and shove past the girl who I was close enough at one point to want to live with. As I make my way down the hallway, I hear Everleigh say, “You know, you don’t have to always be so mean. We’re not your enemies.”
I slam my bedroom door closed after that and attempt to sleep.