37. Violet
THIRTY-SEVEN
VIOLET
Old text messages…
Colson: I see you.
Violet: Of course you do, I’m right next to you.
Colson: How about I tell Sebastian you have a headache, and we can go back to your place?
Violet: You’re funny, but I’m not doing that. He invited us out for dinner, and right now you’re ignoring what he’s saying to text me.
Colson: He’d understand.
Violet: Go away.
Colson: Never.
With my cheek pressed into the pillow, it’s like someone is stepping on my back, holding me down. I have this feeling, this uncertainty, this knowing that I’m in the eye of the storm. It follows me through breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It climbs in bed with me at night, squeezing between Olive and me.
I grab my phone off the nightstand and check the time. It’s a little after eight but not obnoxiously early for me. Olive snores from her side of my bed. Even though I’ve told her she can take the couch, she has claimed my room as her spot more often than not.
We were up past midnight watching movies and eating trash food. Sylvia walked in while we were in the middle of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days to a coffee table of junk food wrappers and crumbs. She scoffed at us before moving to the privacy of her bedroom. Ever since she walked out of the apartment with that cup of vodka, it’s like walking on eggshells when she’s around. Not to mention how there was another letter from Ireland waiting for her the other day on the kitchen counter where we keep our mail.
My belly gurgles for breakfast, but I push it away and unlock my phone, swiping until I find my message thread with Colson. The last message I sent was on Christmas. I swipe my thumb over the screen until I’m on a thread from a few days after we returned to our normal schedules after Thanksgiving break.
Colson: Llewellyn has me on laundry duty, and fuck, it’s horrible. These dudes smell like ass.
Colson: I have this weird theory that if I close my eyes when I toss it into the washer, it won’t stink as much, but nope, it only magnifies the odor.
Violet: Funny how we do those things thinking it’ll make it better.
Colson: It is. Not funny how horrid it is, but yeah.
Violet: I bet.
Colson: Okay.
Colson : I’m getting the sense that something is up.
Violet: Thought all your senses were tied up with smelly towels?
Colson: Touché, but my Violet senses are always up and running.
Violet: Oh yeah?
Colson: Definitely. So, what’s up?
Violet: Why would anything be up?
Colson: Where are you?
Violet: Campus gym, but why does that matter?
Colson: Because it tells me everything I need to know. What has crawled into that beautiful mind and is bothering you?
Violet: The fact that my ass isn’t round enough.
Colson: Yeah, we both know that’s bullshit. Your ass is marvelous. Top notch in all the best ways. So give it to me straight, before I have to leave work and spank that ass for not telling me what’s really going on.
Violet: You’d do that? For me?
Colson: Baby, it’d be more for me than anyone. Just thinking about it…
Violet: Interesting.
Colson: Don’t make me ask again.
Violet: Nothing, really. I’m fine. Just an off day.
Colson: I don’t believe you.
Violet: I guess it’s because I had a dream about my dad. It sucks because I never asked for things to end up this way. They just did but now it has me missing him and my parents in general. Then I bumped into Sylvia on my way to classes this morning, and she acted like she didn’t even know me. We made eye contact and then she just walked away in a huff without saying hi. So, like I said, just an off day.
Colson: The hardest part with your family is over.
Violet: I know, and I’m happy about that.
Colson: The rest will get better in time. Not really sure what to say about Sylvia because there’s no covering up how I feel about her.
Violet: Me and Everleigh think something is going on with her, but we don’t know what.
Colson: Everyone has their secrets, baby. Just do me a favor?
Violet: Hmm?
Colson: Keep that pretty chin of yours up for me?
Violet: Only because you called me pretty.
Colson: I’ll remind you every damn day if makes it easier.
My belly somersaults the same way it did the day he sent me those messages. I scroll until I find more.
Violet: What else are you bringing to the table?
Colson: There something specific you want, Vi? Gotta ask, if so.
Violet: You.
Colson: That can be arranged. Anything else?
Violet: I don’t know.
Colson: Try again.
Violet: Maybe your mouth pressed against me.
Violet: *sends picture*
Colson: What have I told you about sending me photos while I’m at work?
Violet: It’s nothing bad.
Colson: You saying that doesn’t stop my mind from going places.
Colson: Fuck, here goes nothing. It better not be your feet again…
Colson: *opens multimedia message*
Violet: See, I told you, nothing bad. Just showing you the general vicinity of where I’d like your mouth on me.
Colson: You know it doesn’t take much to get me between those magnificent thighs of yours. I’ll never get over how fucking delicious you taste, how hard you make me, or how goddamn tight you are when I slide inside of you. It’s like you were made for me, baby.
Violet: Okay. Now you’re getting ME horny.
Colson: Face the facts. You already were.
The minute he found me in my bedroom that evening, he closed the door and flipped the lock. He tugged his shirt off and tossed it into my laundry basket. His jeans folded down his legs next, and it was no secret that he was ready for me. My belly dove low at the sight. Even more so when he told me to strip out of my own clothes and start touching myself so he could watch.
I followed his request until I was on the brink of an orgasm, and he took over, slanting his tongue over me in the best of ways.
My heart beats in quick succession as the memory fades, and it takes all that I have to let go of my phone and set it back on the nightstand. I’ve been finding myself looking back at our messages a lot lately. It makes me feel close to him, but at this point, it’s just self-inflicted torture more than anything.
I can’t take it anymore and get out of bed. I pad my way out of the room and into the bathroom across the hall. I twist the water on, watching as it sloshes over the bottom of the tub and starts collecting, but then images of my accidental meet-cute with Colson rush into my mind, and I turn the water off.
I comb my fingers through my hair and decide brushing my teeth is a better bet. I quickly get myself together then decide if I’m ever going to get him out of my head, I need to do something different. Something he hasn’t embedded himself into.
I grab a pair of leggings and a loose top from my clean clothes in the dryer. It’s easy to slip into them along with my sneakers, and then I’m out the door and down the elevator.
The second my soles hit the pavement, I start running.
Away from my thoughts.
The love in my heart.
I run so far away from it all that my lungs are nearly ready to explode by the time I loop back around and walk into Spring Meadows’s lobby. I even have a not so wonderful case of boob sweat happening. I ignore both for a cup of water once upstairs and almost jump out of my skin when Olive waltzes in with a bagel in hand.
She takes a bite and props her hip against the counter, her stare unwavering. The kind that I know holds questions and won’t rest until she gets answers. “What’s going on with you?”
I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand. “What do you mean?”
She chews and doesn’t care that her words are muffled when she says, “Don’t play that game with me.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not, and even if you keep telling yourself that, I don’t think you’ll believe it. What happened the other night? No one could find you and then we were all in the living room when Colson walked down the hallway and left. Side note, really great job picking him because he is hawt .”
I give her a look. “The hot comment is not helping.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Well then, clue me in. Give me all the dirty deets. Something happened between you two, what was it?”
I wish I had dirty details to give her, but I simply don’t. Colson and I refrained from anything physical.
“There aren’t any,” I tell her.
Her brows wrinkle. “How?”
“We didn’t do anything.”
“That wasn’t the walk of shame?”
“Not even close.”
She looks perturbed more than anything until a thought hits her. “Oh, fuck.” Her bagel gets forgotten when she sets it down on the counter and comes over with open arms. “You broke up already, but that night was like the nail in the coffin, wasn’t it?”
I nod, my bottom lip trembling because I can’t hold it in anymore. I’ve been keeping strong this entire time. It was hard for me in the beginning, too, but I was sure he’d eventually change his mind. I’ve always maintained that kind of hope.
Turns out I was just na?ve.
I’m a used-up sponge, hanging on until the absolute end of my life expectancy but also knowing that I reached it about two weeks ago. I’ve been submerged, squashed, and strung out to dry just to have the process repeated.
The adrenaline from my run comes to a standstill. My feet slip farther and farther away and my knees give out, my hands splaying to the ground in my mind.
Olive’s arms encase me like twine around a bundle of flowers, unforgiving and tight, holding me together. I lay my head on her shoulder and let it all out.
I’ve wanted to scream, sob, and stomp my way out of the despair, but this is it. It’s staring me in the face, and as much as I want to keep running from it, I can’t.
The corners of my eyes burn and pinch in the same way my heart does. Tears roll down my cheeks, staining Olive’s sleepshirt, and for the life of me, I can’t get the wrenching heartbreak to stop pouring out of my eyes or my lungs.
“Shhh,” Olive coos. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll catch all the tears you wanna give me.”
Her undying love only makes me cry harder. I don’t know when I wrap my arms around her, but they cinch at her waist, one hand limply holding my opposite wrist so I can hang onto her. I’m afraid that if I let go, I’ll drift away. That the current will pull me down like a riptide and no one will be able to save me.
Not her.
Not Sebastian or Finn.
Not my parents.
Especially not Colson.
I’m a measly piece of seaweed at the hands of the tide.
Olive’s hand gently rubs my back. “It sucks, I know.”
I know she knows. Not too long ago, she endured the horrors of something similar. Of something that sent her spiraling and forgetting who she was until she found herself again. If there’s anyone who understands and can get me through, it’s her.
Not for the first time, I’m happy she’s here.
“It just…” My voice is a shredded mess and cracks with every word. “Really fucking sucks.”
“He’s an asshole if he can’t see what he’s throwing away.”
Yes, but also no.
Colson is so far away from the asshole spectrum it isn’t even funny. The only reason we’re in this predicament is because he cares too much. His grief for his mother is a sure sign of that. Him not wanting me in his life because he’s trying to protect me is another.
“I just don’t understand,” is what I mumble out in reply.
I don’t get how things have flipped so far upside down that no one can seem to get back on their feet.
“He was supposed to be the good one,” Olive says. “He wasn’t supposed to be the one who broke your heart.”
“I know.”
“You didn’t even cry this much over Webber, and you were with him for a lot longer.”
“I know,” I say again.
“You’re going to get through this,” she promises. “Even if I have to leave school and sleep on your floor.”
“Real funny, but you’re not going to do that,” I hiccup, squeezing her tighter. “This has been building for weeks, and now I’m just done. Like, I can’t get my bearings. Can hardly hold myself up.”
“We’ll get you crutches and an oxygen tank.”
I can’t help but laugh through my tears at Olive’s off the wall response. It’s so unexpected and comforting at the same time that I let out a guffaw of tear-streaked giggle-sobs until I’m pulling away and need to wipe my face.
Her face is crestfallen when I look at her.
“I’m willing to bet you disappearing that night we were all at Lucy’s has everything to do with Colson, too. Am I right?”
I nod. “His half brother came to tell me he got into this underground world of fighting. He has no plans of stopping. Says it’s helping him deal and is insistent on not letting anyone else in, but then when we see each other it’s like there’s this invisible force that wrenches us together.”
“Holy fuck.”
“Last night was the first time I asked him to stop for me. Long story short, he’s not going to.”
“I’m so sorry, Vi. I’ve caught you quite a few times just randomly staring at your phone. Even saw you in a text thread one time if I’m not mistaken. I know you miss him, but if he’s adamant on pushing you away then maybe it’s time to cut your losses.” She looks at me with pity, but it doesn’t bother me because in the next second there’s so much love in her eyes. “I think I know what you need.”
“What’s that?”
“A distraction.”
Distraction .
I almost hate that word. Colson and I have always been that to each other. I hate to think about someone else taking that job or claiming my position, but maybe Olive is right. Maybe it’s time to get the hell away.
I let out a pathetic laugh. “I don’t think I can handle any of your crazy ideas right now, Olive Garden.”
She points a finger at me. “Just for that, you have no choice.”