Abundance of Obsession (P.A.C.T. #2)

1. Elis Journal

Eli's Journal

Today I buried my mother.

Relief.

My feelings end there.

The details of this morning are hazy despite it only being a few hours ago.

I remember my surprise that the sun was shining. The birds were chirping; everything seemed so joyful. Shouldn’t the sky have wept today? Shouldn’t the birds have fallen silent?

Nothing like that happened. Life carried on.

The first and only tear rolled down my cheek in the chapel when my mother’s favorite song was performed on the violin. It was Thao Nguyen Xanh’s “Sad Romance.” What irony—the title fit just right.

In my memory, I see her portrait standing by the altar. The sound of footsteps echoed as they carried her coffin to its resting place. The earth struck the oak lid with a dull, hollow thud. Frozen in time, I watched her go.

Others poured out their grief.

But not me.

My father wept like a little boy, unable to hold back.

At one point, he grabbed me and pulled me close. Enveloped me in the cocoon of his arms. Shivering rocked his body. He sobbed so hard that it rang in my ears.

I comforted him, not being comforted myself.

To connect with him, I wanted to fathom the depth of his sorrow and bear it with him. But I couldn’t. Even now, it’s impossible.

Now there’s silence in my head.

And damned relief that will haunt me until the end of my days.

To feel that way at your mother’s funeral, how messed up must you be?

Any therapist would say it’s normal.

I was the one who found her.

My brain is trying to protect itself.

Bullshit. I’m just fucked up. So much so that my case doesn’t fit into any known category of disorder.

All those days, those months, when loneliness was my only friend, have been etched into my soul.

Forever by myself.

Instead of remembering the wonderful moments spent with her, I remember the times when fear crept out of my closet at night. Helplessness became my shadow. Being the background for everything else was normal. Never first, always second.

It will never change. Even now that she’s gone, I have no doubt I’ll never be first for anyone.

Something dawned on me today. Although deep down, I knew it long before.

I should be lying in that coffin. Not her.