20. Chapter 17 #2
Unable to find the right words, Zoe breaks off. I stroke her knuckle with my thumb, but I doubt she feels it or even notices. She’s in a different world right now. There. With them.
“What did they do to you, Zoe?”
She bites her lower lip so hard that she breaks the skin. Then she licks a drop of blood and clenches her jaw. She keeps her eyes closed for a long moment, and that worries me.
“Sweetheart,” I whisper, and finally her eyes open again. But my breath catches in my throat when I see they’re glazed over. She’s barely holding back tears, though trying her hardest.
And something strikes my heart.
“It was hell,” Zoe starts again. “The kind no child should have to survive. At first, they only inflicted emotional and mental wounds. They made fun of me, taunted me, and called me names. Sometimes they threatened to hurt me or Ash. Jeremiah, Rick’s favorite, was the first to trip me up.
Scraped knees and hands were the first physical wounds, but not the last. With each passing day and week, the bullying got worse.
The boys got more and more creative. I was the center of their attention, and I hated it. ”
“What else did they do to you?”
A single tear rolls down Zoe’s cheek, but she tries hard not to look away.
Finally, the covers drop to her waist. She points to a round scar near her navel.
“That’s from when Owen lit his first cigarette.
He stubbed it out on me.” Next, she points to a pale scar on her arm.
“It hurt like hell here when they pinned me against the wall. When they threw darts, I was their human target. Scared shitless, I dodged at the last second. As punishment, Jeremiah threw a knife lying on the table...”
Jesus Christ.
With every word, I experience the same pain she went through. It hurts like a motherfucker.
But I have to be strong for her right now. All the shit that happened…
Zoe grabs my hand and places it on the back of her head. She guides me until I find a lump on her skull beneath her hair.
“This is from after Jeremiah was left alone with me one day. I hid from him, so he had to punish me. This is a reminder of when he pushed me down the stairs. Then he made me kneel naked in the basement and punished me with his belt.”
It proves too much for me. A moan, or perhaps a growl, escapes me. Words fail me.
“There was one week when I didn't get out of bed. I was so sick. After Owen decided to teach me how to swim in the lake. In the winter. Except—he wouldn’t let me catch my breath when I was thrashing my arms and—” Zoe’s voice breaks and tears stream down her face.
I can’t take it anymore and pull her close, wrapping my arms around her.
Every few seconds, I kiss her forehead. How can I take these memories away from her?
How can I help? My heart breaks for everything she has been through.
And at the same time, I’m sure there’s more, so much more.
These are small fragments she has survived, and she lived through every single fucking day.
Zoe’s crying, and there’s nothing I can do but let her get it off her chest. Be there for her.
Her arms wrap tightly around me, as though she’s afraid I’ll disappear. I do the same.
“I’m here, sweetheart. You’re safe.” A kiss on the forehead. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you. Never again. I’m here now.” And another kiss.
I don’t stop reassuring her and kissing her until she calms down. Her ragged breathing returns to normal, her heart slows, her wet eyes dry. And unfortunately, she stops holding me as if I were her only lifeline in the ocean.
“Where was Rick then? Didn’t he see what was happening? Didn’t he protect you?”
“Rick? He didn’t want to be involved. Even if he saw, he looked away.
He knew that if they took us away from him, the monthly payments into his account wouldn’t be so substantial.
Once, I told the social worker who was occasionally required to visit the foster home.
I didn’t say everything, but just enough so that at least he would see me.
I remember him saying just one sentence.
‘You know that if I report this, they’ll eventually separate you from your sister?
’ After I didn’t answer, he nodded and drove away.
The fear that I’d lose Ash too, came back. ”
“She didn’t know? How? You didn’t tell her? She didn’t see the bruises? The wounds?”
With sadness in her eyes, Zoe shakes her head.
“I couldn’t tell her. Every day she struggled to make money for us.
Her life was such a mess, and yet every day she fought for our survival, for our future.
That’s how I saw it back then. Now I don’t understand myself, because to this day she doesn’t grasp the truth.
She doesn’t know what was happening back then.
If she found out the truth, she’d kill them all.
I would have lost her. And much later, one day she saw a bruise on my face.
And me sobbing in the corner. I lied to her then, saying I had a boyfriend, and I’d dumped him because he hit me. It was easier that way.”
I don’t want to tell her I understand, because I don’t think that’s entirely true. I’m furious at almost everything right now. At those bastards, at Ash, at the entire system. Even at myself.
“You’re the strongest woman I know,” I whisper. “How did you two get out of that house?”
Zoe sighs. “That night, Rick was drunk. So drunk. I was just growing up. He came into my room that evening…”
I squeeze my eyes shut and beg all the saints that this story doesn’t go in the direction I fear.
“I guess he figured I was old enough to be a woman. He wanted to… Before he could do anything, before he could pull down my panties, Ash barged into the room. She hit him with a lamp so hard that he lost consciousness. Then she quickly threw a few of our things and all our savings into our backpacks, and we ran away. We never went back there again, but to be honest, no one ever looked for us either. We were free, though we had to face a new reality. Life on the streets. Later, our luck turned when Ash met Alex.”
Even though I don’t approve of that asshole, right now I’m eternally grateful to him. He saved my girl. My Raven.
“I’m so sorry, Zoe. You have no idea how much. I can’t make you forget what you went through. It’s tough shit, especially for a teenage girl. And I’m so damn sorry about it. But know that you’re strong. The strongest woman in the world.”
“I don’t know that.”
“But I do.” I kiss her nose and pull her closer to me. I enjoy feeling her body pressed against mine. “But why do you have pictures of those bastards?”
Another sigh from her. “Don’t think it’s silly after all these years.
It’s inside me. Sometimes it eats me up from the inside, tormenting me just like they did.
When Ash moved out, I decided to close the door on the past once and for all.
Or rather, to deal with it. And after everything they did to me, I decided I wanted revenge.
I need revenge. Nathaniel was the nicest of them all, if you can say that.
Because of me, he only lost all the wealth he’d accumulated. His own and his clients’.”
Not a single word of hers surprises me. I would have done exactly the same. I would have taken revenge on all my tormentors. Just as the thirst for their blood on my hands drives me mad. Without mercy.
“Jeremiah?”
“Jeremiah is in prison. Or rather, he was. I had someone beat him up in there, the same way they beat me. But—things seem to have gotten out of hand. He was killed.”
Zoe’s voice trails off. I look at her face and can’t believe what I see. Guilt. That feeling is written all over her.
“Don’t you dare feel guilty. Scum like him should have been dead long ago. If I could, I would have finished the job myself.”
“I know, Eli. Sometimes it weighs on my conscience.”
“He had no conscience to hurt a little girl, and I have no conscience to hurt every single person who’s caused you pain. What about Owen?”
“Owen hasn’t gotten what he deserves. Yet,” Zoe says.
“What’s his last name?” I ask, but Zoe knows right away what I mean. She raises her head a little and looks into my eyes for confirmation.
“You can’t take that away from me,” she says firmly.
“And I don’t intend to, sweetheart. That doesn’t mean I can’t help you. I want to help you. And I want to keep you safe while doing it. But I would never take away the honor of destroying your tormentor.”
Zoe nods. “I knew you’d understand me.” And she’s right. I understand her.
After those words, we lie in silence for a long time. We fall asleep nestled against each other.
It’s only after a few more hours, when we wake up, that I find my way between Raven’s thighs. Not because I’m selfish, but because I intend to do everything I can to make her feel better. When my tongue makes her scream my name with all her might, I’m finally certain I’ve succeeded.