31. Chapter 27
Eli
We spend the next two nights at my apartment.
Still, it feels like a stranger’s place. Like it doesn’t belong to me anymore.
Maybe it’s because, ever since Zoe came into my life, I only feel at home when I’m with her.
She’d be better off at her own place, my conscience suggests.
Until I’m certain she’s safe, until I figure out what to do next, we’re staying here. Protections of various kinds guard the building, which gives me some peace of mind.
Zozo turns my way and lets out a quiet whimper. Like last night and the night before, I lie next to her and watch.
I can’t sleep.
Two, maybe three hours of shut-eye is enough for me. The rest of the time, I stay awake like a fucking guard.
Zoe thrashes in her sleep.
Every so often she rolls from side to side, furrows her brow, and mumbles something under her breath.
Sometimes she moans with such a hushed sound that if I weren’t lying next to her, I probably wouldn’t hear it.
The first night, she woke up screaming.
Now I know that a hug or a stroking of the head calms her down in these moments.
But let’s not kid ourselves. The situation is fucking sensitive. A Veirix member was on our turf, and suddenly—poof. The guy’s gone.
Eventually, someone will look for him. The underground fighters knew him.
I erased Zoe’s traces from the surveillance footage. Of course, I watched the recordings first, but what I found there wouldn’t have led anyone to her anyway. Still, you can never be too careful.
None of these precautions stops me from worrying about my woman and this whole mess. Part of me wants to give her a few butt smacks for not saying a word about what she was planning.
I want to shake her. Yell that she could have died. That I might have been too late.
But I don’t do any of those things. Not after the way she looked that night.
The thought that I could have lost her…
Jesus, I can barely put into words what happens when that thought pops into my head. Armageddon descends upon my heart and soul. It’s pure madness.
“Eli?” Zoe speaks in a weak voice, but her eyes are still closed.
“I’m here. Everything’s fine.”
“What time is it?”
“Almost eight. Go back to sleep, sweetheart.”
I look at her face, her long lashes and rosy cheeks. Her full lips are parted, and she’s breathing softly.
My gaze falls on her slender neck.
Her skin bears no marks from Owen’s choking attempt, a fact I cannot comprehend. Bruises and redness appear quite quickly. Maybe it’s because of the sweatshirt. I’m not sure, but I’m grateful.
Zoe’s eyelids rise a little. “You’re concerned, aren’t you?”
I sigh. “I think we should tell Ryker.”
The irises of her eyes widen. “What? We can’t, Eli. He’ll ask questions.”
“I know, but Owen was Veirix’s man. You know that. He disappeared on our territory. Ryker should know that something might be coming our way.”
Zoe covers her face with one hand. “You can’t explain this halfway, Eli. He’ll want to know the full truth, and he should know it. But—I’m not ready yet.”
Hoping it will calm her down a little, I kiss her forehead. “I know it’s difficult to talk about this. But I can’t risk anyone linking you to Owen. The stakes are too high, Zoe. You have to understand this.”
“I’ll have to tell Ash everything too.”
I pull her hand away. Her face mirrors my own worries.
“In that case, perhaps it would be better if I hid you for a while? It wouldn’t be much of a problem. I have a friend—”
Zoe sits up in shock. “Absolutely not, Eli. No way. I will not hide for years because of what I did.”
“Not for years. Just for a little while.”
The ringtone interrupts our discussion. Picking up the phone, I see it’s from the lobby.
“Hello?”
“Good morning, Mr. Montgomery. It’s Mick,” the man greets me.
“Hello, Mick. What’s going on?”
“You have a visitor. He says he’s your father, George Montgomery.”
Annoyance wells up inside me in a flash. How dare he show up at my house after everything that’s happened? The last thing I need is this.
“Tell him to turn around and get the hell out,” I say.
There’s a moment of silence on the line, and then Mick speaks again. “Sir. He asks me to tell you he won’t leave until you talk to him.”
Stubborn old mule. We need to end this once and for all.
So, I growl through my teeth. “Fine, let him in,” I say. And then to Zoe, “It’s my father. He’ll be here in a minute.”
She displays mixed emotions and bites her lower lip. I want to unleash this thirst and sink my teeth into that tender, soft pillow. Unfortunately, that will have to wait. Instead, I plant a quick kiss on her cute little nose.
All I throw on are a pair of sweatpants. There’s no point in dressing properly, as it won’t be a long conversation.
Before my father even knocks, I’m already opening the door. He stands there, looking awkward, with his hand raised. Dressed in jeans and a sweater. I’ve never seen him in an outfit like that before. As you can see, a lot has changed.
“Son,” he greets me when I let him in without a word.
Back then, at the restaurant, in the dim light, I hadn’t noticed it at all. Now I do. He has aged. I hope his graying hair is just from worry, nothing more.
“What do you want?” My voice is harsh.
I’m not asking nicely. I don’t offer him coffee.
I don’t pretend this is just a casual visit.
“I came to talk.” He turns to face me, his hands in his pockets. I stand where I am. There’s no point in forcing myself to be hospitable; he won’t be staying long. “You don’t answer your phone, you don’t reply to messages. You didn’t leave me a choice.”
I fold my arms. “What a shitty excuse. You had a choice. You could have caught the hint and not come.”
“You’re my son.”
“Biologically, yes. And that’s a matter in which I had no choice.”
Despite the lack of an invitation, my father walks into the living room and sits down on the couch. He rests his elbows on his knees, his head hanging low.
Despite how much it irks me that he’s so comfortable here, I follow him.
“I’m not denying I was a shitty father. It’s true. But I’m trying to change that—can’t you see?”
“You didn’t have to tell me that. I’m a grown man, not a kid. I don’t need a father; I want nothing to do with you.”
“Eli, please. Hear me out. I know nothing can excuse how badly I screwed up. I loved your mother to the point of madness. She was and is the love of my—”
His lies are too much for me. “Save me the bullshit. You were on a date with your new girlfriend.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s any less true. Your mom will be the love of my life until the day I die. No woman will ever measure up to her.”
“Again, spare me—and yourself—the stories about your love life. If this is all—”
“No,” he cuts me off. “I came here to apologize to you for everything I did and didn’t do, and God knows I should have done this a long time ago. I don’t deserve forgiveness, but I don’t want to lose you, Eli.”
Shaking my head in disbelief, I let out a short laugh. “Lose me? You can’t lose what you don’t have. Get on with your life and leave me alone, for God’s sake.”
“I can’t do that, and I don’t want to. Despite the years, we’re both still trapped in that house.
It lives within us; it haunts us. Don’t tell me that’s not true.
And there’s something I never told you—” His gaze meets mine.
“I love you. No matter how much we talk about my mistakes and sins, nothing will change that. I love you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.
That entire time… Every day was the same, blending into one colossal failure.
Week after week, I didn’t sleep, afraid of what might happen.
For both of us, I didn’t want her next suicide attempt to succeed.
And there were several. I didn’t eat, didn’t drink, didn’t sleep.
In a constant state of alert. I tried with all my might to keep your mother alive, but I failed in that as well. You and her, I let you both down.”
As he speaks, I stand before a glass wall, staring ahead with a blank gaze. The impact of his words on me, the inner return to those cursed days—that is what I don’t want to show him.
The flood of memories is too much. Once again, I feel like a child whom no one loves. Isn’t worthy of love… And then Zoe comes to mind.
It’s not true that I’m not worthy of love. It’s not true that I’m incapable of loving.
I’m a complete idiot!
If I were in his shoes, would I have done the same? No, definitely not. I would never in my life forget my son. But…
Now, at this point in my life, I’m able to understand the crazy love he had for my mom.
For weeks, she slipped little by little through his fingers until she freed herself from what was dragging her down.
“Why didn’t any of the medications work for her? Why couldn’t you save her?” I ask.
“I don’t know, Eli. No one knows. One treatment after another. We couldn’t do anything. Perhaps her will to die was too strong.”
I spin around and glare at him. “Are you telling me she chose death over her family? Over her own child?”
“Not at all. Your mom was ill. She wasn’t able to think clearly.
Not because she didn’t want to—she couldn’t.
She was so deep in it she saw only darkness.
Only sadness and darkness. On her better days, she told me she didn’t want to be there, that it was just happening.
She wanted it to end. She was never alone, but she was always lonely. ”
“Maybe if back then, I’d—”
My father jumps up from the couch but doesn’t approach me.
With sadness in his eyes, he understands what I’m trying to tell him.
“No, Eli. There was nothing you could have done. This illness… It’s the pain of the soul.
People sometimes say someone commits suicide because they see no other way out.
But I think with depression, it’s so that the pain stops growing. ”
I lower my eyes to the floor and sigh. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice my father slowly walking toward me, but I don’t have the strength to stop him.
“Know this, son: your mother loved you more than anything and anyone else. You were her universe and the best part of her. It was hard for her to see you in this state while she couldn’t do anything about it.
She didn’t let you close to her not because she didn’t love you, but because she couldn’t love you the way you deserved. ”
I squeeze my eyes shut as his arms pull me close and hold me tight. “Even though I made a mistake, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. You’re my son and I love you. Not like she did. Differently, in my way. But that’s the fact. And I’m so sorry for everything.”
My arms finally wrap around his trembling body of their own accord. I have a lump in my throat, and no words can pass through it.
For a brief moment, I’m a child, and he’s giving me what I dreamed of so many years ago. We stand like this for a minute, maybe two.
I clear my throat and say, “If you think I’ve already forgiven you, you’re deeply mistaken.”
My father steps away from me, and I get the impression he’s doing it reluctantly. “I know. Like I said, I don’t expect it. I don’t deserve it. Maybe someday. For now, I’d just like to be a part of your life, if you’ll let me.”
Seeing my indecision, he just shakes his head sadly. But then he gets a shot of new hope because he asks, “Maybe in a few days, we could meet up for coffee or something.”
“Or something,” I reply evasively with a weak smile.
Maybe we’ll patch things up someday. Time will tell.
A moment of silence falls, and things get awkward. For a moment, neither of us knows what else to say.
“So, have you started dating again?”
“Yeah. Liz is the first woman since your mom died who’s held my interest for over five minutes.”
“Are you in love?”
“I don’t know, honestly. We’re friends, and whether I still have enough heart left to love someone, we’ll see. Are you? In love, I mean.”
My gaze wanders to the hallway where the bedroom is. Behind its door, a woman lies in bed. Jet-black hair tousled on the pillow, pink lips parted…
“Yeah… I am,” I say almost in a whisper.
“That’s good. All I want is to see you happy. I won’t take up any more of your time. I’ll be in touch soon, and I hope we can meet up for that coffee.”
With those words, he heads toward the door. But before he grabs the doorknob, I ask one more question that’s been bothering me. “A while back, I saw you with Vice President Matthews, his son Aiden, and a few other brothers.”
He turns around for a moment. “Yes, I remember.”
“What did they want?”
“They wanted to make sure we’d be on the right side when the time came to overthrow the new Pact governments. Now that you’re a general, Ryker, Theo, and you should be on your guard. They wanted to pull us over to their side.”
My suspicions are confirmed.
“And what was your answer?”
He shrugged, a malicious grin spreading across his face. “That they can go to hell. I’ll always take my son’s side.”