46. Chapter 45
Christmas at Arcania had a certain charm he hadn't experienced since…well, since his mother was around. He’d woken to see magic had decorated the buildings overnight with holly, blue bows and silver bells.
A giant tree had been erected in Arcania Yard, with golden-white lights, hundreds of silver and blue baubles, and strung with matching garland.
It was even more beautiful at night, especially the tree.
He stood in front of it, staring absent-mindedly at the lights as snow fell gently around him.
Quiet coated every inch of campus since there was hardly anyone around.
It was peaceful. He exhaled, and his breath turned to mist in front of him.
He wondered what Ivy’s Christmas was like.
A part of him wished he had kissed her at the train so she would’ve stayed.
After she left, he realized, even if what the mirror said was true, he didn’t need his father’s love or approval.
He wanted it, sure. But maybe he didn’t need it as badly as he once thought.
What he wanted, more than anything else, was true love.
People who would care for him, no matter what he could or could not do for them.
Like the love his mother once had for him.
Like the love he still had for Silas. And now for Ivy.
Ezra sighed. His heart was split into two pieces.
One belonging to Silas, even if he didn’t want it to some days.
The other, to Ivy, despite not having kissed her yet.
He’s never cared this deeply for someone before a first kiss.
How fucking ridiculous was that? And even worse, both pieces were continually breaking.
Silas was working for his family. To what extent…
he didn’t know. And with Ivy? Well, as soon as she’d find out about his involvement in all this, she wouldn’t want to speak to him ever again.
Which was one of the many reasons he had to be done.
Completely done. Damn whatever consequences his father unleashed.
He needed to find Silas and tell him. And maybe Ezra could convince him to do the same.
If Silas had an ounce of love for him, it meant there was hope.
He turned away from the tree, and came to a halt.
Silas stood only about ten feet away, watching him.
Ezra closed the distance between them slowly, taking in the pale skin against the glowing lights of the tree or how stark his dark clothing was against the white backdrop of the snow-covered ground.
Ezra stopped, leaving maybe a foot between them. He took in the pink cheeks and nose, the light dusting of freckles, and the faint smirk before him. “You’re here.”
“So are you,” Silas said, cocking a brow. “Where else would I be?”
“Going to report to Declan that I’m admiring Christmas decorations?”
“Hardly.” Silas took one step closer. His dark eyes flicked to Ezra’s mouth before glancing back up. “Perhaps I’m watching you for other reasons. I remember a time when you enjoyed that.”
Ezra’s stomach fluttered as his mind drifted into a memory, but he quickly tore himself back to the present. “Can we talk?”
“Isn’t that what we’re doing now?” Silas asked, tilting his head.
“I mean…privately. Somewhere my family can’t hear us,” Ezra said. “Or nobody else is watching?”
Silas’s smooth facade fell for a moment as he searched Ezra’s face before he nodded. “Come with me.”
He followed Silas silently through campus until they reached Starling Hall, another student apartment building on the opposite side of campus from where he was living. They walked to the second floor, and Silas stopped at the last door, waving his hand over the lock and stepping inside.
Silas turned on a nearby table lamp, and Ezra chuckled quietly. The aversion to glaring overhead lighting was still holding strong, then. The apartment was designed similarly to his own. Except instead of two bedrooms, there was only one. Of course, he got a place all to himself.
“We can talk here?” Ezra asked, peering around.
The couch had a black cashmere blanket delicately folded over its back, and two plum-colored plush pillows sat at either end.
A single book sat closed on the coffee table.
Next to the door were coat and shoe racks, every piece resting on them was black.
He couldn’t see into Silas’s bedroom, but he wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t cover every surface he could in black silk.
“It would be pointless to plant a wire device in my own apartment, wouldn’t it?
” Silas discarded his scarf and jacket on the nearby hooks.
For once, he wasn’t wearing a button-up.
Instead, he wore a fitted black turtleneck sweater, and Ezra couldn’t help but stare at how it hugged his slender frame.
Though he knew what Silas looked like beneath it.
He could close his eyes and picture the bare, toned chest and abdomen.
“Unless you would like to check if I’m wearing one?” Silas’s voice pulled him back and laughed when he snapped his attention back to Silas’s face.
“No.” Ezra’s hand rubbed the back of his neck for a moment.
“Why else did you want me to bring you here?” he asked, taking a step closer.
Ezra swallowed roughly. “To tell you I’m done doing this,” he whispered, his voice cracking. “I’m finished working for my father and doing whatever he wants.”
Silas’s face dropped, his shoulders tensing at the news. “You know what will happen if h—”
“If he finds out?” Ezra finished for him and nodded. “Yes, I do. And…I want you to stop too.”
Silas scoffed, taking a step back. “Do you think it’s that easy? You think I have a choice in this?”
“Yes.” Ezra pushed forward, grabbing Silas’s hand. “You can choose.”
“No, I can’t.” Silas shook his head, his voice low. His gaze fell to the floor, his lips down-turned as he clenched his jaw.
Ezra closed the distance between them, his hands sliding to Silas’s hips and brushing their foreheads together. “You can choose me. Please.”
Silas shifted beneath Ezra, their lips only a breath away from touching. Instead of leaning in, Silas pulled away. A shiver ran through Ezra’s body at the loss and he desperately wanted it back.
“Silas,” Ezra murmured. “Please. I know a part of you loves me, too. After everything we’ve been through…if you do, I’m begging you to leave my family behind. Forget whatever it is they’ve asked of you.”
“No, Ezra, I don’t get to choose,” he snapped, his brows pinched together. “I’ve never been able to choose anything in this life. So even if I wanted to, I can’t.”
“But—”
“I CAN’T!” Silas’s shadows erupted from him, spreading across the room and enshrouding them both in pitch-black darkness.
Static filled Ezra’s ears as the chaos of Silas’s magic filled every crevice.
But he stood firm. He watched Silas’s face contort with a deep-seated rage he’d only seen a few times.
Eyes were squeezed tight, fingers spread and locked, and teeth grated together.
But Ezra moved forward and, with trembling hands, cupped Silas’s face.
“Silas, please, calm down.” The shadows only continued to grow.
They curled around his legs, trailing up his body, leaving a crackling cold in their wake.
He turned back to Silas and the star-shaped moles peeked out from beneath his fingers.
He traced them with the tip of his finger and leaned close to Silas’s ear. “My star.”
The tension in Silas’s face eased beneath his hands. Ezra pulled back enough to see a single tear falling until it wet the crook of his thumb. The shadows crawled back toward Silas as the room came back into view.
Silas exhaled shakily, his dark eyes staring into Ezra’s. “I still have orders to follow,” he choked, pulling back from Ezra’s hold. “Even if you choose not to do your part.”
“Si—”
“Now leave,” Silas demanded. He brushed his knuckle below his eye, pushing back the last stray tear.
Ezra swallowed roughly, tears brimming his eyes as he fell back against the door.
He reached for the knob and twisted it. “Please, Silas, don’t make me hate you.
I don’t think I can.” Fear coursed through him as thoughts of what would come next came to the surface. Not fear for himself. But for Ivy.
“It’s better you do that than love me,” Silas said, his voice breaking. “Goodbye, Ezra.”
Instead of saying it in return, Ezra stumbled out of the apartment, closing the door behind him. Ezra couldn’t say goodbye to him. He wouldn’t give up. Not yet. Not ever.