Chapter 35
Ellie
“Are you sure about the yellow?” I ask Rachel through the fitting room curtain at the X’s and Oh’s Bridal shop.
It’s bridesmaid dress day, and while her other bridesmaids already have dresses since they went shopping on a day I was working, I still have to pick up mine.
Honestly, I don’t mind it just being Rachel and me.
As much as I love my sister, I’m not a huge fan of her friends.
“Yes,” she says. “Meringue yellow is my favorite color, you know that.”
“I do,” I tell her as I turn in front of the mirror. “But I also feel like it flushes me out.”
My sister rips the curtain open, and her face lights up. “What are you talking about? You look amazing! Although I am wondering if we should do the halter-top instead of the strapless.”
“Why?” I ask. “All the other girls are wearing strapless dresses, aren’t they?”
“Well, it’s just that your tits are kind of big, and I think the halter might hoist them better.”
I snort out a laugh at that. “The last thing my tits need is hoisting.”
“Try on the halter again, El, please? I want it to be perfect. I need all of this to be perfect.”
I sigh, but smile. She’s right. Considering how MIA I have been before this, I can’t complain. I owe it to her to wear anything she wants, even if it is a pale yellow that makes me look dead and a top that makes me look like I’m trying out for Baywatch.
“So how are things with your boss?” she asks, and I sigh again.
“Why do you want to talk about that? This is your day,” I tell her as I shimmy out of one dress and grab the other.
“Because your love life is more interesting than color swatches and cake samples,” she answers, inviting herself in to help me with the dress.
“You know, I always thought little things like that would be so much fun. I couldn’t wait to plan a wedding.
But now, I feel like there’s just so many little things and it’s all kind of overwhelming. ”
“I can help you with all of it,” I tell her. “Now that I have a better schedule where Damien isn’t just springing things on me, my evenings and weekends are freed up for all the wedding things. You shouldn’t be stressed right now, Rache. You should be walking on clouds.”
“I am, it’s just..” she pauses and her voice cracks. I turn around to face her.
“What is it?” I ask. My throat tightens. Seeing my sister cry is enough to make me cry before I even know what’s wrong.
“It’s not just the wedding stuff. We started the IVF process,” she says.
“Oh?” I ask. Everything in me wants to be hopeful, but her tone and the tears have me holding my breath.
“It all looks like it might actually work. But–”
“But what?” I ask.
“It’s going to be more expensive than we thought. A lot more.”
“Oh,” I whisper, and I look down. Then I bite my lip. “I can help,” I finally say.
“What? Ellie, no. You’ve done so much already,” she argues.
“And I can do more. I have the money. This job pays very well. Luca and I have what we need. For the first time I can breathe, and then some. Let me help, please.”
Rachel studies me. She is hesitant, but also so hopeful. So desperate. Finally she breaks, a sob escaping her throat. “I want it so bad, Ellie. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I know,” I tell her, taking her in my arms. “And I want it for you. So let me help.”
We hug for a long moment before finally pulling apart.
Then we both reach for tissues. It’s kind of funny.
The tissues are meant for yes to the dress tears, yet somehow my sister and I have turned bridal fitting rooms into therapy offices.
Considering how much time I feel like I’ve lost with her recently, I’ll take what I can get.
I turn my back to her again, and she helps tug, tie, and fluff the dress. Honestly, between the color and the cut, it’s got Kate Hudson vibes, and I don’t hate it as much as I thought I did. One more pool day tan and it might actually look pretty good.
“So have you told him yet?” she asks as she pulls my hair back and up, experimenting with styles.
“Told who what?” I ask.
“I’m thinking up. Your hair is going to be half up, half down. It’s against the rules to have the same hairstyle as the bride,” she says.
“Have you told Damien that he’s Luca’s father?” She asks, and I stop.
“No,” I answer hesitantly.
“And why not?” she asks. The question comes out so casually you’d think she was asking if I’d decided to buy a pair of shoes.
“Because he’s going to freak,” I let out, and I realize how stupid that sounds.
“Ellie. You can’t keep something like that from someone. I don’t think he’s going to react the way you think. How would you feel about a loose side braid? Your hair is thick enough; I think it could look elegant.”
I stare at my sister in the mirror without saying anything.
“What? Maybe some little flowers tucked in. Oh! We could do baby’s breath. Understated, yet lovely.”
“I know my boss, Rache. He is absolutely going to freak. He doesn’t want a family.”
“How do you know that?” she asks, swooping my hair back around to the other side. I pull away to face her.
“Because he told me. His childhood was a mess. He’s got a lot of…baggage,” I say.
“Childhood trauma shouldn’t stop him from being a father to his own son. You’ve seen him with Luca. He’s amazing with him, isn’t he?”
I bite the inside of my cheek as an answer.
“See? Besides, most men aren’t ready for commitment of any type until they meet someone who makes them want it.
It’s how men work. Like their brains are made up of all these little mechanisms that aren’t activated until a woman comes along and pushes the go button.
Or in this case, a little boy. I just don’t understand why you’re so hesitant. ”
I think about it for a moment. But I know full well why I don’t want to say anything.
If I tell him and he’s not happy about it, he will go away.
He won’t come around making mac and cheese with us.
He won’t sit with me on the couch drinking wine and talking about his childhood.
He won’t insist on making love to me at his house instead of the Opal Room.
Our relationship will go back to feeling contractual.
And that’s if he doesn’t fire me altogether.
Being the masked girl from his past is one thing.
Telling him he’s the father of my child is another.
“I worry that if he knows, I’ll lose my job,” I say. “It would be inappropriate, you know?”
“I doubt he’d fire you,” she says.
“You don’t know him. He’s a hard man,” I argue.
“Is he though? Because from what you’ve told me, he’s actually a really amazing man who just has a lot of walls up.”
My heart speeds up as I think about that. I’d love that to be the truth. I’d love to think that if I told him Luca is his, he’d be overjoyed. That we could soften his heart. That the Phantom actually has a heart.
But I can’t risk it. Not right now anyway. If I lose my job, I’m not the only one it would hurt. I just promised my sister to keep helping her financially with her IVF treatments. Not only that, but ever since the festival and the volcanic slime incident, Luca asks about Damien daily.
I also don’t know if my heart could handle losing whatever has been going on. This version of Damien is like someone from a dream. Something I never dared to dream, if I am being honest. And so I lie. Because there is so much at stake, so many hearts involved, I lie.
“I’ll talk to him.”
“Good!” she hugs me from behind. “And this is absolutely the dress.”
I take in a shaky breath and let it out with a small, unsure smile. For someone whose life seems to finally be coming together, I sure feel like I am one loose screw from everything falling apart.