Chapter 32
Riley
To say that I am livid is a wild understatement. My heart nearly broke as my child, my little boy who just underwent a massive surgery lit up like a Christmas tree when Cameron came into the room, only to have Cameron tighten his jaw and walk away from us without so much as a smile or a nod.
I want to go after him. I want to rip into him about how he came into our lives, rooting himself deeper in our lives than he needed to.
By choice. Only to run away when he’s confronted with hard facts.
It’s one thing to fuck with my heart a heart that has been through the ringer more than I even have the energy to go into.
It’s another thing to leave my kid hanging as he pours his precious little heart yeah.
In a word? Hell fucking no.
Of course, it’s probably not in my best interest to go on a hospital wide man hunt right now with the intent of ripping the owner’s dick off (and not in a fun way). So for now, I leave it. Which is fine. It’ll give me more time to fill up on rage. Although, when the door opens again, I’m ready.
But it’s not Cameron. It’s Brianna.
“Hello,” she says with a meek smile. “I thought you might need some coffee.”
And that’s all it takes to break the dam. Again.
“Oh don’t cry,” she says, walking over to me and handing me my coffee. I take it but use the other hand to pull her into a hug.
“I’m sorry,” I blubber, thankful that Noah is actually napping. “I have been a shitty friend and I owe you so many apologies.”
“No you don’t,” she says, now crying too. “You’re going through a lot and I was selfish.”
“You weren’t selfish. You were right,” I argue.
“But your baby is in the hospital. I don’t know. I guess I was just jealous. I was never judging you. I guess I just wanted to be in the know too. Even if the recent events of your life have included a secret engagement and a fake marriage.”
“God, I know…” I say, pulling away and wiping my nose. “It sounds so bad when you say it like that.”
“It’s not that bad,” she grimaces and I just look at her before we both let out snotty laughs.
“Either way,” she says. “I want you to be able to tell me these things.”
“I know,” I say with a heavy sigh. “And I do feel like I can. I just…I didn’t want anyone to know about it.”
“I get that,” she says and we both take sips of our lattes. The hot creamy coffee melted with caramel pours over my insides like a hug. “You’re the best.”
“So tell me what’s going on? I mean you can’t just be engaged to a doctor out of nowhere and not have spicy details. Was any of it real?”
“I mean the ring was real…” I say, pulling it out of my purse.
“Holy mother of Moses!” Brianna gasps, pushing her bright red rimmed glasses up the bridge of her nose. “Now that is rock.”
“Yeah,” I sigh as it sparkles under the fluorescent lighting. I close the box and shove it back in my purse.
“So what about your feelings?” she asks softly. “Were those real?”
“No. I mean not at first? Not now for sure. But…in the middle of it all maybe? Yes.”
I cover my face with my hands because I haven’t really admitted that to anyone. I don’t think I’ve fully admitted it to myself. And that hurts.
“Right now, I feel like shit,” I say. “I was never supposed to fall for him. Hell, when I first met him I couldn’t stand him.
I would have never guessed that under that conceited, arrogant, self indulged outer layer he is actually a decent guy.
A really decent guy. How could I let myself fall for him? ”
Brianna smiles and clutches my hand. “You just answered that yourself. He’s a good guy. A good guy who, based on what I could see, really cares about you and Noah too. Maybe even loves you.”
“If he loves me how could he just walk out on us?” I bite my lip before going on. “He is the guy from the rooftop, Brianna. From the hot, embarrassing, wild story I told you about.”
“Cameron is Rooftop Santa…”
I nod.
Then her eyes widen. “So he’s…” she looks over at Noah.
“Yes. But he won’t own up to it. He claims that he can’t be because supposedly he can’t have kids.”
“I mean crazier shit has happened than sterile men getting women pregnant. All it takes is one little swimmer…”
“Yeah, well, that swimmer is laying in that bed over there without a father.”
Brianna takes in a deep breath and lets it out. “I’ll tell you what I think,” she says.
“Please do.”
“I think…he’s panicking because he cares about you and Noah and the idea of Noah being his son probably breaks his heart.
And not because he doesn’t want that but because he does.
But he’s a doctor, a realist, and in his heart of hearts he wants that.
But his brain isn’t going to believe it because it’s ‘not possible’.
If I had to guess, when we found out he can’t have kids…
supposedly…it broke him. And taking a paternity test and it being negative could break him all over again. ”
I think about that for a long moment. I think about how he is with Noah.
How he goes over the top, showing up in ways he was never expected to, ways I never asked him to.
Not only that but the way he is with me.
The way he acts even when the show cameras are off.
Conversations in the kitchen. Beers on the couch. The way he is with me in the bedroom…
I’ve never made love like that before. Hell, compared to that, I’ve never made love before. Period.
It’s a lot to think about. But it doesn’t justify him running away from us.
If the idea of Noah not being his is too much for him, if he couldn’t love us despite that, then I can’t let my heart get involved either.
After Brianna leaves, I move to sit next to Noah again.
He’s still asleep, his tiny chest rising and falling more rhythmically than usual.
His hands are clutching a giraffe stuffy, one Bailey picked out for him.
His eye lids are active with dreams and my throat swells.
He’s so peaceful, something I haven’t seen much since he was diagnosed with CF.
It’s going to be weird to get used to. Less worry.
Less stress. Obviously we aren’t out of the woods and may never be but our lives are about to significantly improve.
And it hits me square in the chest then…
Anyone who can’t see what we’ve been through, the mountains we face every day, and see the people we are and love us for just that is not worth our time.
It’s been my attitude since day one, before he was born even, and it’s my attitude to this day.
Even if it hurts. Even if it scares me. We have to do what’s best for us.
And a man who can’t own up to the reality of the situation isn’t good enough for either of our hearts, no matter how devastating that may be.