Chapter 31
JESSE
I’d worn a path into my floor, pacing back and forth from my kitchen to the window, the window to couch, and the couch to nowhere in particular. Sitting down just didn’t stick and standing didn’t help.
Sleep? Yeah, I tried that. It was a joke.
It had been days of this. Days of reaching for my phone, putting it down, and picking it up again like maybe this time would be different, but it never was. There was never a message waiting from her. No missed call. No email.
I’d called her a few times, though. I’d also sent exactly one, single text.
Me: I’m here when you’re ready.
That had been it.
I hadn’t tried to go for anything clever, but after a few days of just staring at those blue ticks with zero response, I was starting to wonder if I should’ve. I’d figured I’d keep it simple and give her space, but fuck.
This sucked.
I scrubbed both palms over my jaw and groaned when I felt the beard I’d grown over the last few days.
I’d never liked the feel of facial hair on my skin, but shaving had seemed like a waste of time.
I wasn’t going anywhere anyway, and frankly, this unshaven, mostly unwashed, sweats and a T-shirt look was fitting right now.
Feel like shit. Look like shit.
This wasn’t me. I didn’t do the whole wallow-in-misery, curl-up-on-the-couch-and-just-stare thing. For thirty-fucking-four years, I’d managed to avoid heartbreak at all costs, and now look at me, wrecked, but still not down and out.
I’d even managed to find a silver lining in all of this. Ultimately, Jacque had been right. I wasn’t going to play into this media firestorm or parade her around like some kind of proof that the Westwoods could love normally.
Whatever the hell that even means.
I wasn’t going to use myself as bait and I sure as hell wasn’t going to turn her into that either.
“The reformed playboy,” I muttered under my breath, rolling my eyes as I pushed off the window and started pacing again. “Jesus, what had I been thinking?”
I liked who I was. I always had. Sure, I was flawed. Sometimes, I was even a bit of a disaster, but I knew myself and I didn’t pretend. I didn’t bend for people unless they mattered. The only time I’d ever seriously considered changing had been for Will. I’d do it again in a heartbeat for Zach too.
My heart ached for him as my thoughts shifted gears. This whole thing had started because of him. For once in my life, I’d wanted to be useful, and in this case, that’d been possible. I could use my public persona to take the heat off Zach, but somehow, I’d still managed to screw it up.
A knock sounded at the door and I frowned as I glanced at the clock.
I wasn’t expecting anyone, but another knock made me drag my ass to the door.
When I yanked it open, I was half-expecting Will, but instead, Zach stood on the other side, looking the kind of tired that seemed to have settled behind his eyes and would never leave.
I stepped back, jerking my head at the inside of the apartment. “Yeah, come in. Coffee or scotch? Hey, have you tried mixing them? That could be worth it.”
“It’s ten a.m.,” he said as he followed me in. “I mean, I’m not saying no, but we should probably just think about it for a second.”
I paused for at least double that amount of time before I let the door swing shut behind him. “There. I’ve thought about it. Do you want some or not?”
“Coffee, scotch, or both?”
I shrugged. “Pick your poison. I won’t judge.”
He glanced around as he followed me to the kitchen, probably noticing the dirty glass on the counter, the crumbled blanket thrown on the couch, and the general vibe of descending slowly into madness.
“Let’s start with a spiked coffee and escalate from there,” he said. I started on the drinks. “Jane told me what happened.”
“Funny,” I said dryly. “She wasn’t even there.”
“Never underestimate her powers of deduction. You disappeared and Jacqueline has taken PTO from the firm. Between Jane and Colin, they’re at those offices at least once a week. It’s a close relationship, so yeah. I doubt much happens there that the Thayers don’t find out about.”
I exhaled a heavy breath. “Yeah, I guess.”
He shifted his weight, studying me for a second before he came right out with it and just asked. “Are you okay?”
I laughed and shook my head. “No, not really. You?”
The truth felt strange coming out of my mouth so easily. I wasn’t usually the guy who admitted shit like that out loud, but this was Zach, and it helped that he was nodding like he understood. Which, yeah. He probably does.
He held my gaze for another beat before he shook his head and his eyes dropped to the floor. “Yeah, I’m not really okay either.”
It was a little uncomfortable and a lot weird to be having this conversation with him.
He was my brother, sure, which meant I’d always been honest with him, but we’d never really been close growing up.
Yet suddenly, we were having this moment.
This shared experience of shitty, shitty heartbreak. What a time to bond.
I pushed off the counter once the coffee machine got going and grabbed the bottle of scotch from the cabinet next to the fridge. “What happened, Zach?”
He didn’t need to ask what I meant, but for a second, I thought he might brush me off or deflect. That was what we all did best, after all, but he didn’t.
“Will was right,” he said after a beat. “Adeline broke it off with me to be with the other guy. She chose the other family, another alliance, over what we had.”
Something bitter curled up in my chest. “Just like that, huh?”
He nodded, but his eyes were distant now, like he’d gone someplace far away. “She married him They have two kids together as far as I know.”
Holy fuck. “And you never—”
“We didn’t keep in touch,” he said simply. “It nearly killed me, man. I couldn’t keep talking to her while she was living her life with someone else. Doing… what she needed to do to have his babies instead of mine.”
The quiet honesty of his words tore out chunks of my insides. Zach didn’t look at me when he said it, just standing there with his hands in his pockets while I poured a healthy dash of scotch into each of our coffee mugs.
“I’m sorry, Zach,” I said as I pushed his drink across the counter. “That’s fucking terrible. I should’ve been here for you.”
He shook his head immediately, like he didn’t want it, but he winced too. “My point is that the media is vicious. You shouldn’t have to protect me because I had my heart broken years ago. Alex will find me a wife soon anyway and all of this will blow over.”
“Is that what you want?” I asked before I could think better of it. “Do you want him to find you someone else?”
“Honestly? No,” he said without any hesitation at all. “I don’t. I haven’t even thought about it for a second.”
I almost believed him, but I also knew that look in his eyes. I’d seen it in the mirror every morning for the past few days, red-rimmed with violent wreckage sitting just beneath the surface.
While I didn’t have any experience with this myself, I couldn’t imagine that you stopped loving someone just because time passed. I had a feeling you just got better at pretending it didn’t still matter.
Zach wasn’t over her. These days, I knew a man in love when I saw one, and from the sound of it, she’d lived an entire lifetime without him.
Marriage. Kids. A whole other world. Now a very messy, very public divorce that he was being dragged into despite all that, and yet, he was still in love with her.
If only we could choose who we love. God, that would make things easier.
Zach shifted on his feet again, reaching for his mug and bringing his gaze back up to mine once he’d wrapped his fingers around it. “I don’t fault Alex for being a hardass. He’s the leader now. The one calling the shots. He’s doing a damn good job of it, too.”
I exhaled slowly and ran a hand through my hair. “Yeah, but that’s the problem, isn’t it? Alex isn’t wrong. He just doesn’t know when to stop.”
Zach nodded, then immediately followed it up by shaking his head like he didn’t quite have the words he needed. “I just…” He trailed off for only a beat before he finally finished the sentence. “This is throwing me, you know?”
“Yeah,” I muttered. “I know.”
More than he thought.
After taking a slow but long sip of his drink, careful curiosity edged onto his features. “How are you going to get her back, Jesse?”
I let out a bark of dry laughter. For the first time in my life, I’d found something I actually wanted—someone—and I’d managed to let her slip right through my fingers. “That’s a great question, but I don’t really have an answer. She’s done with me, man. Honestly, I can’t even blame her.”
Zach was quiet for a second. “That’s not good enough. I wish I’d fought harder.”
I looked up, but his gaze had gone distant again, somewhere far away from this apartment. “What are you talking about?”
“You heard me,” he said. “Back then when it all went down. I just let it happen. I thought it was out of my hands and that’s a regret I’ll always have to live with. It doesn’t have to be the same for you. You don’t want this, man. Take my word for it.”
Suddenly, I could see it. Hell, I could feel it. That kind of regret didn’t go away or soften with time. It just sat there, waiting for moments like this to remind us exactly what we’d lost.
Fuck no. I don’t want that. I don’t want to wake up ten years from now and wonder what would’ve happened if I’d just tried harder.
I pushed off the counter, my drink instantly forgotten as I felt something shift deep inside me. The jury was still out about whether it was clarity or insanity, but he’d asked me what I was going to do, and a minute ago, I hadn’t had a plan. Now, I wasn’t so sure.
“Are you busy today?” I asked.
Zach blinked rapidly. “What?”
“Are you busy?” I repeated, grabbing my phone off the counter and already backing toward the hallway. “I just need to grab a shower. Obviously. But after that, are you busy?”
“Uh, no?” He frowned, clearly confused. “Why?”
I glanced back at him, a slow grin tugging at my mouth for the first time in days. “Awesome. I need a favor.”
His eyes narrowed slightly. “That sounds dangerous.”
“It usually is, but this is going to be fun.”
“For you maybe,” he muttered.
I pumped my eyebrows at him. “Definitely for me.”
A second after I’d spun to head down the hall, I heard his footsteps behind me. “Jesse, what are you doing?”
“I’m not letting her walk away,” I said. “Not without a fight or at least trying.”
Zach grinned. “You’re serious.”
“Dead serious.”
We walked into my bedroom practically at the same time, but while I headed for the en-suite, he dropped down on my bed, kicking his feet up and resting against the headboard. “Okay, then. What do you need?”
“Do you know anyone who’s down for whatever without asking too many questions?”
Zach’s eyebrows shot up. “That’s oddly specific, while simultaneously vague as hell.”
“Work with me here.”
He frowned, thinking it over for a beat before he snapped his fingers. “Colin Thayer.”
I pulled the disgusting sweater over my head and dropped it on the floor.
I was probably going to have to burn it since I doubted washing it would work, but I wasn’t worried about that right now.
Instead, I paused in the bathroom doorway to look back at him.
“Perfect. Call him. Ask if he’d like to go on a little trip with us. ”
His eyes narrowed again, watching me carefully as I strode into the bathroom and turned on the faucet in the shower. “Why?”
I looked down at my phone and pulled up what I needed, finally giving the restless energy inside someplace useful to go. Once I’d sent it that direction, I went back to the door, winking at him before I started shutting it.
“Because I have a very bad idea, but if we can pull it off, I might just be able to get her back after all.”