Chapter 30 Arden
ARDEN
Twenty-six weeks.
I’ve never thought of anything in my life like that before. I have no idea how many months I’ve been pregnant, only that it feels like a lot.
So many months.
And I still have more to go.
Dez is fast asleep with his head on my belly. I planned to work on the couch with my feet propped up on the coffee table, but someone had other plans. He doesn’t even budge when baby girl starts moving around, his head just rolling with the punches.
Literally.
Grabbing my phone, I type out a message to Jude. She needs a name.
ARDEN: Teagan
JUDE: No
JUDE: Emma
ARDEN: No E names
JUDE: Why?
ARDEN: Ellison and Evan…
ARDEN: No M names either
JUDE: Fine
JUDE: Quinn
ARDEN: I’ll have to think on that one.
A knock at the door has Dez bolting straight up, his paws hitting the floor before I can blink.
That’s weird.
Pushing myself up, I walk toward where Dez is sitting and peek out through the curtains.
My mother.
A whirl of emotions rips through me as I grasp the handle and turn it with Dez at my side.
“Arden, hi. Oh, I didn’t know you had a dog,” she says as his soft fur presses against my leg.
“Jude and I have a dog, yes.” It’s not totally a lie but it’s not the truth either.
“You…”
“Live together? Yes.” Again, it’s not a lie, and right now I could kiss him for giving me the upper hand.
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
Stepping back, I let her into the house and then close the door. Dez never leaves my side as I follow her into the kitchen. I could offer her a drink but I’m not feeling particularly hospitable at the moment, so I don’t.
“How are you feeling?” Her eyes drop to my stomach, and I instinctively put a hand over my belly.
“She’s doing great.”
“She.” My mother’s eyelids flutter closed for only a second before opening, her green eyes watery with tears. “That’s wonderful.”
“Is it?” I ask as Dez leans against my leg, his weight grounding me.
“Arden, I never wanted to hurt you.”
It’s such a placating thing to say, the words merely an overused sentiment, one I’ve parroted over the years. This time, though, it grates on me, my hackles rising as I’m once again facing off with the one person in this whole world who promised to always be there for me.
“But you did. You did hurt me, and I took it out on Jude who has never done anything but try to make things better—easier—and who honestly treats me like a queen. But I can’t handle that because my father wasn’t around growing up and I saw what that did to you.
And now, I’m terrified it’s going to happen to me and my baby. ”
“Arden.”
“Our situation is nothing like yours, and I’m thankful for that, but it doesn’t stop me from believing the other shoe is about to drop.”
“So it’s my fault?” she snaps.
“That’s the example I had growing up, and I’m trying like hell not to sabotage my own life like you did yours.”
“I’m trying, Arden,” she bites out before swallowing hard and smoothing her hands down her cream blouse. “I told Evan I need some time.”
“You broke up with Dad? Why? After all the years of waiting, pining, being with him is what you wanted.”
The words if you hadn’t dated him none of this would have happened are on the tip of my tongue.
But I can’t say them.
Because I wouldn’t have this little baby growing inside me. I wouldn’t have her. Or Jude or Deacon—I wouldn’t have any of them.
“I love him,” she admits but it sounds pained. “I just love you more and I can’t be here for you and be with him.”
“Okay, well, I don’t want that and I’m sure he doesn’t either. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”
“It’s not about him.”
“Of course it is!” I cry, thinking of the way Jude and Deacon essentially kidnapped the man and delivered him to me.
“He wasn’t there for you and that’s awful but he is here for me—he’s trying.
You said he didn’t know about me and you forgave him for it.
You can’t just take it back because I’m pregnant and not married. People do it all the time.”
“Arden—”
“And like I already told you, this”—I motion toward my belly—“is different. Jude is in this with me. He’s excited and supportive. We’re creating our own family.”
“I just wanted better for you than I had.”
“But you didn’t try to make it better for you while I was growing up.
You never dated, you put all your focus on me, and I appreciate it.
I do. But you sacrificed so much of your happiness carrying a torch for Dad.
And now you have him. You love him and he loves you and you’re creating a life together, but you can’t do that because of the life I’m creating? ”
“I don’t want to fight with you. I came here to help you understand the choices I have to make for myself right now. I can’t focus on Evan; what if something happens and you need me?”
“Jude will take care of me.”
“He is not—”
“Do not finish that sentence. He’s the father of my child and he’s never wavered in where he stands, and I’m not choosing between him and you and Dad. I won’t do it.”
“I’m not asking you to choose. I’m telling you that I need time from Evan to see things more clearly.”
“So do that, but I’m not going to be a part of it.
I can’t be a part of it and how dare you throw in if something happens like Jude is going to up and leave.
Like I don’t have a family and friends here that would drop everything to be with me.
You don’t get to throw my fears in my face; you don’t get to put doubt in my head. ”
My heart is breaking in my chest, the pain so visceral I swear it’s real. I know she’s hurting and scared but I’m those things too. It’s another lesson to learn, one that reiterates the kind of mom I want to be and the one I don’t.
“Arden, please.”
“It’s time for you to go. I don’t know what you thought breaking up with Dad would fix but it’s nothing between us,”—I wave my hand around—“and it’s nothing to do with me.
I need you to be happy for me and I need you to want to be here.
I need you to respect my decisions and be overjoyed with the news that I’m having a little girl, because I’m excited and I’m done letting anyone steal the happiness from these moments. And that includes me.”
Dez pushes his snout into my hand, and I take a steadying breath as I pet his head, so incredibly grateful to him for never leaving my side.
“Being a mother is terrifying and beautiful and—”
“And it’s my journey now and I’d really love to start living it.”