Chapter 40 #2
“I got drunk and cheated on him with his best friend. Self-sabotage is kind of my expertise.” I pushed air through my nose with regret.
“Got pregnant. Lost everything. The school turned against me. My parents hated me for most of that year. I only had very dark people in my life to save me. And . . . and then Christian lost Leo, and I lost any chance of fixing things. He changed, I changed.”
“Who’s Leo?” Quinntessa asked.
Who’s Leo? Wow, I wish I was that clueless about the shit that went on around here.
I turned her head and gave her a sad smile. “Leo was Christian’s stepbrother. He got in an…accident not far out of town. The bullying from those Blackhawk bitches got to be too much, and he tried to take off, I guess. Didn’t make it far.”
My brain strained to remember what exactly they put in the papers to cover up his death.
“Wait,” she gasped. “He died?”
“Yeah.” I paused. Technically, it was ruled a suicide.
I knew Leo was suicidal, but I didn’t believe that was what happened to him.
Quinntessa didn’t need to know that, though.
“The school doesn’t talk about him because they failed to save him.
They could have saved him. Done more. I mean, it was his idea to start this Spirit Hunters thing.
Did they not see how loud of a cry for help that was?
Everyone needs someone supporting them, he told me when I was captain. ”
If I was his friend, maybe I would have known he was targeted earlier. I’d been so self-centered and focused on figuring out why everyone was happy about Christian and my relationship but me. The power of being popular got to my head. I let the values of my friendships with fake people destroy me.
All because I couldn’t accept I was gay.
That was the truth. That was what got me pregnant.
I had sex with another guy at a party after seeing Christian kiss another girl.
I was upset. Confused. Part of me felt okay with it, like it didn’t matter.
We were so distant at that point, I felt this numb pain in my chest and moved forward.
In a way, Estelle saved my life. If it wasn’t for her, I was not sure how long I would have stayed in that mindset. About my parents, my friends, a boyfriend I loved as a friend, all of it.
“I told him no one cares about some stupid fucking show choir or the color guard budget cuts. It-it was a club filled with weirdos. I never . . . I never thought . . . Christian was pissed at me after Leo passed for saying those things, but I only said that because my boyfriend thought it was dumb at the time too.”
“Isn’t he the club captain now?” Quinntessa asked.
“Yeah.” I nodded, playing with the bottom of my shirt. “He wants to make sure Leo’s dream came true.”
“That’s unexpectedly nice of him,” she confessed, her soft eyes scanning my face.
“Don’t let his lamp post-looking face get to you.
He’s a nice guy.” I smiled weakly. “I think that’s why I cheated on him.
He was so nice, and I got bored maybe? I don’t know.
I tend to self-destruct when I panic. I had feelings for a girl.
I thought he might be disloyal and worried I didn’t love him like he wanted me to. I was drunk and?—”
“People do stupid things when they’re under the influence. Doesn’t mean you meant to sabotage a relationship that might not have been working.”
I laughed. I agreed with her. It just hurt to hear such easy thinking from a girl who was seconds from death.
I’d been under the influence of my family for far too long.
“No shit, Mustang. No fucking shit.”
We fell into a short silence. It was comforting, quiet, but not overshadowing the sound of the radio on my desk.
I closed my eyes for a second and thought of Christian, how his brown eyes had the same deep sea look as Quinntessa had, the way he laughed like her, smiled goofily like her…
I couldn’t believe I had fallen for another Rome.
Quinntessa Rome.
I didn’t even like the sound of her name. Dawson fit her better, though I was sure she wasn’t used to her last name. Her father was a cop. It had to change often. I wondered if Quinntessa was even her first name.
“Christian kissed someone the night I slept with Duke. I saw it,” I spoke up again after a while in my thoughts. I was grateful she awarded me time to think. “I grew up knowing revenge was the perfect way to make someone hurt. I wanted him to hurt, but I’m the one who got stabbed in the heart.”
“Is that why your mom told me all that about your dad?” she asked.
I had almost forgot about that. My mother had to open her big mouth and make it sound like she encouraged me sleeping with Quinntessa.
Mom wanted me happy, but not like this. I never believed she let us come up here with the intention of listening to music and talking.
She wanted this over with. That was why she volunteered to leave and spend time with Estelle, so my daughter wasn’t home when I finished Quinntessa off.
It had to be done, but not today. No, I wanted her to enjoy her life a little first. She deserved a little more time, right?
“Yeah. My dad slept with a lot of his patients, but that’s not even half of it.
It’s easier for her to understand he cheated than him .
. .” I licked my lips as my socks brushed against Quinntessa’s ankles.
I never intended for her to see how scarred my feet were, so when I took off my boots, I made sure my socks were pulled all the way up. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Quinntessa raised her brows when I turned my head to face her. “What’s wrong?”
What did I want to ask her? I rolled my fingers around the end of my shirt and tried to ignore the gurgling of my stomach. I felt sick, like the guilt building inside me would push me to vomit up three weeks’ worth of food, possibly even my liver.
“Could you forgive me for my sins, or am I wasting my time here?” I asked, touching my cross.
Quinntessa’s eyebrows raised at my wording. She looked stunned.
“I don’t believe in sins being a deal breaker. Part of me doesn’t believe in sins at all,” she confessed.
Hm. How interesting.
“Really?” I asked, eager for more.
“Oh, yeah.” Quinntessa sat up and hugged her knees. “I mean, I believe there’s a god, but I don’t believe he’s going to smite me down for kissing a girl.”
Smart girl.
“Have you . . .” I fluttered my eyes over her lips. She wore a pink lipstick today with silver sparkles. She was so enticing, luring me into her. “Kissed a girl?”
I rolled over and placed the photo of Christian and me aside. My cheek was propped up on the bed using my elbow, getting a good, long look at the nervously giggling girl beside me.
“Don’t get any ideas, Casanova.” Her playful tone gave me butterflies. “You’re a little too late for my first kiss.”
Bummer.
“But was it with a girl?” I raised my brows when Quinntessa rolled her eyes and looked away, blushing. “Oh, honey, you’re a baby gay. No wonder you’re not worried about being shot down by lightning.”
“I’m bisexual, actually. So if I’m shot down by anything, it’s going to be the jet landing on a hose,” she corrected me.
Bisexual. A baby bisexual covered in glitter with dreams of being a football player. Fuck. The things I would do to her in that uniform—in the locker room when she needed a chance to cool off after a practice.
A flirty smirk formed on my face. I pushed up and leaned toward her, a tiny crawl in her direction.
“Well, aren’t you fascinating? So, I have this hose, and since you’re wearing white today—” She interrupted me by shoving my shoulder and giggling.
I fell back on the mattress and huffed. The interesting ones always put up the most unreal fight. Here we were, laying in my bed, all our clothes on. If Sally only knew just how big of a deal this was for me.
“You’re supposed to be telling me about you, not trying to take me to your bed,” Quinntessa reprimanded me.
“You’re guarded, and I get it, but you have to tell me more than you made a mistake to explain this huge personality change.
I mean, why don’t you go back to the Ghouls? You look like you miss it.”
Nosy bastard. She needed to give me a break.
“I don’t enjoy it anymore.”
Quinntessa frowned. “You watch practice every day,” she pointed out.
“So do you,” I shot back.
“Because I want to be on that field.” Quinntessa pouted, and I suddenly felt like punching her straight in the face for looking so fucking kissable. “You look like you’re still living in Head Ghoul territory, yet you seem so sure you’ve outgrown that. Why won’t you let yourself be happy?”
“Who said I’m not happy?” I asked, scowling.
“Who said I’m not happy taking care of my family despite being the youngest child with two rich-beyond-their-means parents?
Who said I’m not happy coming home every day to see my mother pushing another fucking nanny on my child like she did for me growing up? Who said?—”
My chest heaved with anger as Quinntessa moved to sit in front of me.
“You.” She sighed, such concern in her eyes, it made my head spin. “You are the one saying that, Quinn. If you’re so unhappy, change things. Your mom seems so nice. She-she seems like she’s just trying to protect you from your fath?—”
Protect me? My mother? Be fucking for real.
I angrily stood from the bed and clenched my jaw to keep myself from snapping at her. I couldn’t get upset, not when my anger was short, and I was in a place that made it so easy, so fucking easy, to end things.
Quinntessa could die right here, and no one would even know. No one would bother to question what happened to the girl with the pink cleats and glittery pens.
This could be over. I didn’t have to feel like this if I just ended it.
Just end it. Just end this now. End these feelings for her and walk away. Walk away!
“This was a bad idea,” I heard myself hissing through my gritted teeth. “Y-You don’t get it. I thought you’d get it, but you don’t.”
Quinntessa looked taken back.
“Get what?” she asked.