Chapter 16 #2
“It turned out how I hoped it would. I did it for Tabby. I moved here for her. Once my parents died, I realized I’m it, I’m all she has.
Kristen was estranged from her mom and dad, they had been very controlling when she was growing up.
Her brother doesn’t want anything to do with us.
I’m not close to my extended family, I don’t have any cousins or aunts or uncles who would step in if, God forbid, something happened to me.
Logistically, she’ll be with Cillian, he’s her godfather, but I didn’t want her to feel like she has no family.
She won’t now. Moving here, connecting with my half-siblings was a Hail Mary. One that paid off.”
“What about dating? Is that something you’re interested in or…”
“For a long time, I thought I was incapable of love. In every relationship I’ve been in, I was always accused of being unfeeling, disconnected, and cold.”
She grinned. “I feel like there is a but.”
Deacon wanted to tell her about Jenna, but he didn’t know how to share that and keep Jenna’s anonymity.
He wouldn’t say her name, but would that be enough?
He hesitated and instead spoke about something else he had concerns over.
“Tabby has been asking about me getting married again. She saw the movie Enchanted, and she’s been obsessed with it. ”
Ava nodded as if she was familiar with the movie.
“She’s been asking a lot more questions about her mom. She asks to watch our wedding video. I have a feeling she thinks that I’m not dating because I am still in love with her mom.”
Ava stared at him. He knew that was something therapists did, they waited for people to speak. He didn’t like that. He wished they would just ask what they wanted to ask or say what they were thinking.
Which is exactly what Ava did. “From your tone, I’m gathering that is not the reason.”
“No, it’s not.”
She did the silence thing again. He tried to wait her out but ended up breaking. “Kristen was a good person. She would have been an incredible mother.”
“Would have been?” Ava asked.
Deacon closed his eyes. He forgot, sometimes, that not everyone knew every single detail of his life.
From the time he could remember…anything really, he’d felt like he lived his life under a microscope.
Or in the actual Truman Show. Not that he’d seen the movie, but from what he gathered, it was a story about a man who lived his life being viewed by others. That was what Deacon felt like.
He grew up the only child in a household of fourteen adults.
His parents and twelve full-time live-in staff.
Three were dedicated to him, who were basically nannies, although that’s not what their job titles were.
Officially, on their name tags—which they were required to wear at all times even if they were off duty, in civilian clothes, in staff quarters, so they weren’t mistaken for guests—they were ‘live-in carer.’ He wasn’t sure why his mother preferred that title, it always made Deacon feel as though he was ill or something.
There were also security cameras in every room of the house, so he was being filmed at all times, much like the actual Truman Show.
When he opened his eyes, he explained, ”Kristen had an undiagnosed heart condition, and she passed away during childbirth.”
“I’m sorry, that must have been very difficult.”
He nodded. “She would have been an amazing mother.”
Deacon always felt like an asshole when the subject of his dead wife came up.
“What was your marriage like?”
“Short. Fine.”
She nodded, her expression clearly indicating she wanted him to continue, which he did.
“We were dating casually when Kristen got pregnant. We got married. She was ill most of her pregnancy, so we never even… well, it wasn’t an intimate marriage, ever. And then she was gone.”
“So it wasn’t really a marriage.”
“No, we were legally married.”
“Right, but you said you never consummated the marriage.”
“No, but—”
“And you were only dating casually when she got pregnant.”
“Yes, but—”
“So, it wasn’t really a marriage.”
Deacon could feel himself getting defensive. “Yes, it was.” His words were clipped as they came out in succession.
“Maybe in the eyes of the law.” Ava remained calm as a cucumber as she tilted her head in consideration.
“Although in some states you could have had it annulled. My point is, I’m sensing a lot of guilt, a lot of shame, and blame you’ve placed on yourself, perhaps even carried around for years, because you didn’t live up to the emotional expectations of the grieving spouse. Am I right?”
Deacon just stared at her. How had she come to that conclusion from the few comments he’d made about Kristen?
When he didn’t respond, she repeated the question, “Am I right?”
“How did you…why do you think that?”
She took a breath. “Well, I could just tell you I’m good at my job, or I could break it down for you?” She stared at him. “Do you want to know how the sausage is made?”
“I want to know,” he responded with no hesitation.
“You have been talking to me for thirty minutes about really tough topics. You have been articulate, vulnerable, and thoughtful. You’ve maintained appropriate eye contact and held a relaxed, open posture.
The second she was brought up, you shut down, your body tensed, and your answers were clipped and vague.
You dropped eye contact when you spoke about her and your relationship. ”
“Maybe I cheated on her.” He challenged. “Maybe that’s why I feel guilty.”
Shit. He just admitted he felt guilty.
“You didn’t cheat on her,” she answered with confidence.
“How do you know I didn’t?”
“I was a marriage and family therapist for years, I know you didn’t cheat on her. I would be very surprised if you have ever cheated on anything, much less a partner.”
He wasn’t sure why it frustrated him that she was so sure, but it did. She was right though, cheating was just not in his DNA. He absolutely abhorred it.
“Do you tell everyone who sees you how the sausage is made?”
“No.” She shook her head. “In fact, you are only the second.”
“Why me?”
“You’re smart. Really smart. You have trust issues. You need to know that there are reasons behind why I say the things I say. That I’m not guessing or getting lucky. That I’m not here to waste your time. And that I’m good at my job.”
He couldn’t argue with any of that.
“So you said for a long time you thought you were incapable of love, has that changed?”
This was it. If he crossed this line, it meant he actually trusted the woman seated in front of him. And it meant he was actually here to do work because Jenna was the thing that occupied his mind day and night.
Deacon took a deep breath and dove into the deep end.
He told her about Jenna, not her name or that she lived and worked in Hope Falls, just that he met her the day of his parents’ funeral, that he thought she didn’t want anything to do with him all that time, that she unexpectedly came into his life recently, and how he felt about her.
“Okay, well that is time.” Ava abruptly, yet somehow gently, wrapped the session.
“Oh, okay.” He blinked.
Time? How long had he been talking about Jenna?
“You’ll be able to set up your next appointment in the online portal now that you are a patient.” Ava stood, and he followed her lead. They walked to the door. “I’ll email you a summary of the appointment with a link to the portal within the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours.”
“Sounds good.” He stopped and turned. “Can I ask about the name? Five Steps?”
Ava smiled as if she knew that was coming.
Maybe he wasn’t the first to ask, or maybe he was just that predictable.
“It’s a combination of two of my favorite sayings, You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
The other is, Don’t walk ten miles into the woods and expect to get out in five. ”
Those actually weren’t cheesy at all.