Chapter 19
ELLIE
As soon as my apartment door closes behind me, I run to my room and dive onto my bed. Damn, it’s good to be home. It couldn’t have come at a better time. Two days of traveling on the bus after masturbating with Travis was…hard. And not in the fun way.
I was ashamed that I broke so easily. Sure, we’ve flirted and I’ve thought about it, but I prided myself on being stronger than that, on being able to resist my urges. But when faced with the opportunity, I crumbled like a stale cookie.
I could barely make eye contact with him or Tanner. Somehow, I think he’d just know.
Travis acted completely normal and unfazed, but I was on edge. I pretty much stayed on my bunk the entire drive. I can’t believe I jeopardized my job for that. I mean, if I’m going to risk it all, I’d prefer to have gotten more action.
Burying my face in my pillow, I let out a scream.
Who in the fuck let me go on tour with these guys?
I’m weak when it comes to good dick. Liv tried to warn me, she knew, but I didn’t listen.
I thought it would be easy. I’d be so busy having a blast and working that I wouldn’t even think about sex—at least sex with Travis.
God, I’m an idiot.
I take a deep breath, centering myself. It’s going to be fine. I’ll take this week to recharge, and by the time we hit the road again, it’ll be a distant memory. Maybe I can call up one of my old hookups while I’m here. At the very least, break out my dildo.
I snatch my phone to call Liv, then think better of it.
Penn probably just got there. She’s going to want some alone time with him.
Ugh, her being in love is making me depressed.
Not only do I miss living with her, but seeing her and Penn together, so cute and in love, has made my brain concoct silly ideas.
Like wondering what that would be like—love and monogamy.
And I’ve not desired those things in a long time—since my last “relationship” ended.
That scarred me enough to not want a repeat.
He was older, much older. Too old…and my teacher.
It was dumb, but I was young and thought it was love.
He seemed nice, and every girl in school was obsessed with him.
I thought I won a prize by having him sneak around with me.
He played the role of innocent so well, telling me how much he cared about me, but that we couldn’t cross that line because it was wrong.
Of course, it only made me want him more.
He knew all the right things to say to get me to believe it was all my idea.
I pushed, persuaded, and seduced. When in reality, he was grooming me and a handful of other girls, too.
Now that I’m older, I see it and him for what it really was.
It makes me sick. I handed my virginity to him on a platter with the belief it was all my idea.
And he couldn’t even be bothered to take me to his place or even a hotel.
We fucked right there in his classroom, on his desk.
I let him have his way and stayed quiet for months.
I’m afraid to wonder how long it would’ve gone on had we not been caught. After everything hit the fan, it came out that he wasn’t only screwing me, but multiple students. All under eighteen.
My parents packed us up and moved to another town and another private school. It was like it never happened. Of course, they pressed charges. He was fired and served a year in jail. Yep. One year.
After that, I promised myself sex would be on my terms. For my enjoyment. By my demands and no one else’s.
It took some time and therapy to unravel the feelings I had from my one experience.
Instead of shutting it down altogether, I reveled in it.
I liked the power that came with it when I was the one in control.
I might have lost a piece of me to that man, but I wasn’t going to let him take all of me.
I wasn’t going to let him ruin sex for me.
Once I realized how good it could be with someone, I decided not to limit myself. I didn’t need love.
He didn’t love me, anyway, it was all a ruse, and I’m not looking to be duped again.
Ellie:
Hey girl!
Pacey:
Hi! Did you make it home?
Ellie:
Yes, a few hours ago. What are you up to?
I decided to text Pacey and let Penn have Olivia a little longer before I storm their apartment.
Besides, Pacey and I need to spend some more time together.
It doesn’t hurt that I can talk to her about Travis and know that she won’t judge.
Not that Liv would, but I know she’ll be disappointed that I caved.
She won’t want things to get messy, and I don’t want her to worry.
Pacey:
I’m just trying out some new recipes. It’s not going great FYI.
Ellie:
What are you making?
Pacey:
Macarons. I don’t even know why. I think they’re disgusting.
Ellie:
Girl, make donuts! I will be your willing taste tester anytime!
Pacey:
LOL noted. What are you doing?
Ellie:
Nothing, I’m bored. Do you wanna hang out? I can come help.
Ellie:
I’m sorry that’s a lie. I cannot help. I’m a hazard in the kitchen.
Olivia and I lived on takeout the first two years in college.
She got sick of it after a while and wanted to learn to cook.
So we watched some videos and became self-sufficient in the basics.
She was better than I was. I could burn boiling water, not because I’m incompetent, but because I get distracted easily. Cooking is boooring.
Pacey:
That’s ok! I’d love some company!
Ellie:
See ya soon!!
I liked Pacey the very first time I met her. Even though I mistook her for someone Penn was cheating with, she took it like a champ.
I park my SUV on the curb outside Pacey’s apartment, which is just a ten-minute drive from my place. She wanted to find something close to Penn, but not too far from her mom and the culinary school she was attending.
Before I can knock, she pulls the door open, wearing an apron covered in flour. “Hi!” she beams, ushering me inside.
“Hey.”
I have only been here once when we were all helping her move.
It’s small, with mismatched furniture and colorful throw pillows that don’t match her typical dark attire.
She’s like the girl version of her brother, only much prettier.
Her hair is shiny black, making her blue eyes and pale skin pop beautifully.
She’s always in band T-shirts and constantly has a flannel wrapped around her waist, unless of course her apron is on.
“Sorry about the mess,” she says apologetically.
I wave her off and take a seat on her couch. “Girl, if you saw my room right now…and I haven’t even been there!”
She laughs, sitting down beside me and glancing at her kitchen. It looks like an explosion of ingredients in there, but it smells heavenly. “I gave up on the macarons, but I’ve been studying a few donut recipes. Stay tuned.”
“I can’t wait. I know they’ll be delicious.”
Seriously, the girl has skill. She made treat bags for us to take when we left for the tour. They were filled with a variety of granola, cookies, and mini pies. It was fucking delicious. I binge-ate the entire bag in less than two days.
“Are you glad to be back?”
“God, yes. I wasn’t prepared for how exhausting traveling was going to be.
” That’s coming from someone who was well-traveled as a child.
My parents took me on lavish vacations every summer.
We toured Europe and visited several beaches and national parks.
But flying first class is a smidge different than bus riding with a bunch of boys.
“Yeah, I could see that being tiresome. How do you deal?”
“Honestly, lots of coffee and sugar. It helps that when we’re in a town longer than a day, I get a hotel room. The guys have it much harder.”
“Are they doing okay? I worry about them. I know my brother is exhausted. I can see it in his eyes, but maybe he just misses Olivia?”
“Oh, he does. But yeah, I don’t think any of them sleep enough.”
She chews on her lip, eyes shifting away like she’s building up the nerve. “That sucks. What about Tanner?”
I frown. “What about him?”
“I mean, with his girlfriend. Did anything happen after we left? I guess they made up.”
“Oh, I don’t know. He’s pretty tight-lipped, at least around me. He deserves better than that bitch, though.” Even thinking about Katie pisses me off. I wish I would’ve swung on her. I truly believe violence is never the answer...unless it is.
“Yeah…” It seems like she wants me to elaborate, but I have nothing. “So, what should we do? I’m sure you’re tired of going out.”
“Absolutely. But I’ll never tire of bingeing Love Island and eating snacks.”
“Then you’re in luck. I just went to the store and stocked up.
” Pacey rushes off to the kitchen, bringing back an armload of chips, gummy snacks, and Oreos.
It looks like we’re children who robbed the snack aisle as we munch on goodies and Capri Sun.
For someone who graduated culinary school, she has the palate of an eight-year-old. That suits me perfectly.
Two episodes in, I can’t stand it anymore. “I have a confession,” I blurt out.
She pauses the show and spins to face me. “Ok.”
“I think this goes without saying, but this cannot leave these walls. Ever. If anyone asks, I will deny until I die.”
Her eyes get wider with my dramatic statement, but she nods rapidly. “Of course.”
I blow out a breath. “Ok, here goes—I let Travis watch me masturbate, then when I was done, I watched him jerk off while I played with myself some more until we came together.” I slap a hand over my mouth. As soon as the words are out, I cringe. It sounds so much worse now that I’ve said it aloud.
Pacey makes a face, but quickly wipes it away. She’s judging me. Dammit. I should’ve kept my mouth shut. When will I learn?
“Oh my God, I’m sorry,” I cry. “I shouldn’t have dropped that on you.”
“No, no. I’m glad you did. I’m just processing.”
“Do you think I’m awful? I signed a contract! Can they sue me?” I start to panic, but Pacey scoots closer and places a comforting hand on my leg.
“They aren’t going to sue you.”
“Calvin would if he could,” I mumble. She doesn’t get it because she doesn’t know him well enough. Lucky her.
“You and Travis dated before, right?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No. More like friends with benefits. But we promised everyone we wouldn’t go there again, not while I’m working for the band.”
“Okay,” she says slowly, nodding along. “But something happened that made you change your mind?”
“I mean, not really. We’ve been flirting a little, but I didn’t think we’d cross the line. It just sort of happened.”
“Maybe there’s still feelings there?”
My head tips back, and I laugh. “Oh, dear Lord, no. What Travis and I had was purely physical. We’re both very sexual people and have great chemistry. Being on the road and not being able to fulfill my needs has made things difficult, and he was just...there.”
Her brows pinch together like she doesn’t understand. “Ok, so you had a little slip. No big deal. Who else knows?”
“No one. Just you, and Travis of course.”
“Well, if I know one thing about Travis after all these years, it’s that he’s no snitch.
” She smiles like she has a little insight into that, and suddenly I’m desperate to know what it is.
To know all about young Travis. What he was like as a boy and in high school.
I bet he was into everything and such a ladies’ man, like he is now.
The questions don’t leave my lips though. I don’t want her to get the wrong impression.
“You’re right. I’m freaking out over nothing. I just feel incredibly guilty.” Something I’m not used to feeling. I tend to give no fucks. If I want to enjoy pleasure with someone that feels the same, what’s wrong with that? This is slightly different, though, since I’m working for them.
“Don’t worry about it. You’re on tour. Isn’t that what people do?”
“It is!” I sigh, tension easing. I just needed to get it off my chest. Now I can move on and pretend it never happened. Travis and I will go back to being friendly but not flirty and everything will be peachy.