Chapter 21
ELLIE
I’m a whore.
A dirty, dirty slut.
What was I thinking letting Travis talk me into that last night? It took almost no convincing, either. The moment he came into my room, I knew what he was going to suggest, and I wanted it. I may have acted all high and mighty, but I really wanted him to push harder. I would’ve given in if he did.
Oh God, this is so bad. I mean, last night was good, really good, but now in the harsh light of day, I feel like shit. Again.
The guilt. The humiliation.
And the worst part? I can’t call my best friend and tell her because that would put her in an awkward position with her boyfriend. That’s the last thing I want. I know she’d keep my secret if I asked, but it would eat her alive. Besides, she’s not the best at lying.
I roll off the bed. The same bed where I let Travis use my vibrator on me, then come all over my naked body. Dammit. The worst part isn’t being unable to tell Liv, it’s that I want to keep doing it.
Like I said, whore.
Remembering I have more than one girlfriend I can trust now, I pick up my phone. Pacey already knows, and she didn’t judge me. At least, I don’t think. And she probably doesn’t have any issues keeping secrets from her brother.
Ellie:
I messed up…again
Pacey:
Travis?
Ellie:
I’m awful I know. Do you think I’m a slut?
Ellie:
Ya know what don’t answer that.
Pacey:
LOL I do NOT think you’re a slut. I think you and Travis have a connection that’s hard to ignore in close quarters.
I frown at her message. Is that it? Do we have a connection? No. Nope.
Ellie:
It’s just physical and…easy since we’re both on the road.
Pacey:
Right. Whatever you say. So what happened? Did he trip and fall into your vagina?
I laugh out loud.
Ellie:
HAHA. I’m actually laughing btw. But no, we didn’t touch each other. It was like last time pretty much.
Pacey:
The ‘pretty much’ tells me there’s more but I won’t press it. Anyway, you’re not technically breaking any rules if you’re not touching each other? Right?
Ellie:
I honestly don’t know. I didn’t read my contract. They just said ‘don’t sleep with each other and make shit weird.’
Pacey:
I’m going to skip over the part where you didn’t read the contract because honestly I probably wouldn’t have either knowing Tanner’s tendencies. I imagine it was long. But if that’s all that was said, you’re good! Don’t even worry about it. Unless…
Ellie:
Unless what?
Pacey:
Well, unless you want to sleep with him. Unless you’re worried it’s going to get to that point and get messy?
I bite my lip, considering her question.
Of course I want to sleep with him. I’m horny as shit and I’d rather it be with him than some random guy.
I know Travis can please me. It’s less work, that’s all.
But it might get messy if that happens. I already feel bad enough, and he hasn’t even really touched me.
Ellie:
I’m not worried. I’m just going to tell him we can’t keep fooling around. We don’t have much longer left on tour. How hard could it be? It’ll be fine.
It’s not fine.
I’m no better than a weak-ass man wanting to get his rocks off.
Travis has snuck into my hotel room every stop. Every time, we do different variations of masturbating while the other watches. Every time we swear it’s the last, and we can’t keep doing this because it’s getting harder to not touch each other.
This last time, I almost broke down into tears because I wanted to suck his cock so bad. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve given a blow job? I’m too embarrassed to say. A long-ass time.
“Ellie, are you listening?”
“Huh?” I force my gaze from the table and meet Calvin’s narrowed eyes.
“When’s the next PR thing the guys have on the books?” he asks for probably the second time.
“Oh, uh”—I open my calendar app and start scrolling—“two days.”
“And you were going to wait until when to tell them?” he questions snidely.
“It was in my weekly email update, and I planned on reminding them after rehearsal, thank you very much.”
He rolls his eyes and goes back to his phone. I hate these meetings, but they’re imperative to keep this ship sailing smoothly. “That looks like all for now,” he says, getting up from his seat and exiting the bus.
I drop my forehead to the table. The urge to bang it repeatedly is strong after these weekly meetings.
He acts as if I’m an incompetent troll the guys hired off Craigslist. I have a bachelor’s from Brown in marketing, not to mention previous experience working with the band way before he ever met them.
If anything, I should be telling him how to do his job.