Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
Brody was a fool. He knew this more than anyone, and yet, every time he did something as monumentally stupid as he’d done the night before, he surprised himself with the level of his foolishness.
He’d fucking left her after she’d told him all about her past. She’d needed him, and he’d run away like a coward. Not only did he want to find her parents and knock some sense into them for daring to hurt her, but he also needed to do it to himself.
“What’s up with you?” Derek asked as he walked into Taboo. Brody had been sitting in the café, looking at his coffee as it cooled, and trying to think of what to say when he saw Holly next.
“I’m an idiot.”
Derek slid into the booth across from Brody and nodded. “Well, yeah. You’re a man in a relationship with a woman far better than you. So, yeah, you’re an idiot.”
Brody looked around the café for children, didn’t spot any, and flipped off his friend. “She is better than me, but thanks for saying it.”
Derek shrugged and picked the uneaten cheese Danish off Brody’s plate.
He gestured with it, and Brody waved him off.
The other man grinned and bit in, his eyes going unfocused.
Yeah, the food here was that good, but Brody hadn’t been able to stomach anything with his mind going in a thousand different directions.
“I’d marry Hailey for her baked goods alone,” Derek crooned.
Brody raised a brow. “And Sloane would kill you with one hand tied behind his back. Dude’s a freaking tank.”
“That he is. I’m surprised he didn’t maim you when you asked Hailey out.”
Brody narrowed his eyes. “Hey, they weren’t dating at the time. In fact, I prompted Sloane to go to her and ask her out. In essence, I brought those two together.”
Derek sighed. “Yeah, and we all actually believe that. So, tell me this, oh wise one, if you can believe in them enough and their relationship to push them together, why are you sitting here alone pouting into cold coffee and not with your woman right now?”
Because Sloane and Hailey aren’t me.
He didn’t say that, of course. How could he? Derek wouldn’t understand, and Brody was having a hard time understanding himself these days. That’s the problem with relationships. They fucked things up for everyone involved, and in the end, people got hurt. People died.
“You going to answer me? Or is your coffee telling you sweet nothings or the secrets of the universe?”
Brody snorted. “Hailey’s coffee isn’t that good.”
Derek winced and looked around quickly. “Are you crazy? You can’t say that so loudly here. She might look sweet, but she has a mean right hook.”
Brody looked up at the other man and frowned. “I’m fucking things up.”
Derek’s eyes filled with sympathy. “If you’re here and not with Holly on your time off, then yeah, you’re fucking things up. But, dude? You know how the entire Montgomery and Gallagher clans threatened to kill you if you hurt her? I’m not exactly one of them.”
At that reminder, Brody winced. “So you’re not going to kill me if I hurt her?” Or maybe he should have said when.
“Oh, I will kill you, but after I make sure you’re okay.
I’m your friend, Brody. I know you’re the guy that knows everyone, but you push us all a safe distance away.
That’s fine if that’s how you want to live, but maybe you should try something different.
Maybe you should learn to rely on someone.
And while I’m here for you, I think Holly should be the first person you rely on. Not me.”
Brody shook his head. “I don’t want to hurt her, man.”
“Then don’t.”
“It’s easy for you to say; you’re single.” Brody cursed as he caught the hurt in Derek’s eyes before the other man blinked it away. “Shit. I’m sorry, man.”
Derek waved it off. “It is easy for me to tell you not to hurt her because I have nothing to do with it. But that doesn’t make what I’m saying any less true.
If you want to pursue things with her, do it, but know you might have to open up to her more than you have.
You might have to tell her those secrets you hide from everyone. The ones we all know are there.”
Brody straightened. “What do you mean?”
Derek just shook his head. “We know you, buddy, but we don’t know you.
You won’t let us. And no, we don’t have conversations about you behind your back, but it’s a feeling I get anyway.
Okay? So if you want to be with Holly, then you need to be more than the smiling and happy Brody.
Show her you mean it. Romance her. Be hers.
Don’t fuck it up because you’re scared. Because being scared is okay, man.
We all are. Just don’t let that fear be all you are.
Holly deserves more than that and so do you. ”
And with that, Derek knocked his knuckles on the table as he stood up to leave. Brody watched the other man go, wondering once again how Derek seemed to know so much yet reveal so little.
With a sigh, Brody got up and left a tip on the table.
He’d already tipped Hailey at the register, but he’d taken up the space for so long it was needed.
As he drove to Holly’s house, he did his best to keep his thoughts in check.
The two of them weren’t serious, though they’d talked about serious things.
They hadn’t planned on things past the list, and yet he had a feeling if he weren’t careful, he’d end up in a situation he couldn’t handle.
He’d been fine on his own all this time, and that couldn’t change.
He wouldn’t let it. He’d help Holly with her list because he wanted to, and then he’d walk away before anyone got hurt.
That was the best for everyone.
When he pulled up to her cottage, he figured he’d lied to himself enough to get through this. She opened the door on the first knock and frowned at him.
“I didn’t know you were coming by.” Her voice wasn’t angry or hurt, just confused.
He really was an asshole.
“I left early yesterday and wanted to see you.” That much was the truth.
“Oh,” she said as she stepped aside to let him in. “I was just finishing working out and was about to jump in the shower.”
He looked up and down her body, his mouth watering at the sight of the sweat rolling between her breasts and her tight workout outfit molding to every curve. He reached out and gripped her hip. “I like these pants,” he said roughly. “They hug you just right.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m glad you think so.” She reached up and kissed his chin, and he lowered his head so he could take her lips. It was a quick kiss, but it was so filled with heat, he had to back away before he did something stupid.
Like, throw her down on the floor to rut like some animal.
“Did you want something to eat while I shower?” she asked, and he shook his head.
“I’m sorry for leaving like I did,” he blurted. Hell, he hadn’t meant to say that.
She froze. “It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not. You opened yourself up and I left. I’m sorry.”
She wrapped her arms around her waist even as he slid his hands over her shoulders. “I get it.”
“But you shouldn’t.” He sighed and backed away. He couldn’t touch her and think. “I don’t do well in relationships, Holly. I never have.”
She tilted her head. “Then what are we doing?”
He ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know. That’s the problem.”
She raised her chin. “The door is right behind you if it’s such a problem.”
He cursed under his breath and shook his head. “Fuck. I’m doing this all wrong.”
“Yeah, I think you are.”
He loved it when she stood up for herself and spoke her mind, but right then, he wanted to shake some sense into both of them. “I’ve never loved anyone, Holly. Not since I was a kid. I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t think I can.”
Her face paled. “Good to know.” Her voice had gone hollow, and he wanted to hold her, but he knew it would be the worst thing he could do.
He took a deep breath and told her the one thing he’d never told another soul. “My sister died when I was a kid, and it was my fault.”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
She reached out for him, but he took a step back. Once again, he ignored the hurt and confusion on her face. He had to, or he’d break.
He couldn’t break.
“I was eleven and supposed to be watching my sister. Our house in Texas was one of the lucky ones with a pool. My parents were inside, yelling at each other and throwing things like usual. They told me to take Sarah outside, and I did. But I was tired of watching her since that was all I did that summer so I took my Game Boy with me. She was splashing around and doing her thing, and since she was a decent swimmer, I wasn’t paying attention. ”
Holly put her hands on his arms, and he let out a breath. He hadn’t realized he’d crossed them over his chest, blocking himself off from the world. From her.
“She dove into the deep end like she always did, but, apparently, she did it wrong.”
Bile filled his throat, and he did his best to not throw up right then and there.
“Oh, Brody…” Holly whispered.
“She didn’t die right away according to the doctors. She took a while to drown, even though she couldn’t move. I wasn’t supposed to hear that part, but I’d never been good at following directions. Maybe if I had, my sister would be alive.”
“It’s not your fault. You were a child, Brody. Accidents happen, and your parents should have been watching her as well.”
He shook his head, anger and self-hatred filling him like it always did when he thought about Sarah.
“She was my responsibility. My parents said so.” He clenched his jaw at the memories, the accusations, the beatings.
He’d deserved all of it, even the scars on his back from the belt his father had used on him time and time again.
Holly had felt them, of course, but she’d never asked about them.
He’d never tell her either. He couldn’t.
“Your parents shouldn’t have said that,” Holly bit out, tears sliding down her cheeks.
He couldn’t take her tears, couldn’t take much of anything.
“My parents kept fighting until my mom ran out of the desire to do anything. She killed herself eight months after Sarah died. Drank too much and mixed it with a bottle of pills the doctor had given her to keep her sedated from the shock. Dad blamed me for that, too, and didn’t really speak to me after that.
” There was no need. The beatings and glares had been enough by then.
Holly was openly crying then and leaned into him. “None of this was your fault, Brody. None of it. What happened was a tragedy, but you can’t bear the burden of all of it. It’ll eat you from the inside out. It’s already doing so.”
He shook his head. She didn’t understand.
“I lost my sister because I failed. My mom died because I failed. My dad is a ruthless bastard that I don’t talk to because I failed.
I’m not good at being there for anyone, Holly.
That’s why I’m that guy with all the friends but who no one really knows.
Because I’m not a guy anyone really needs.
I’m not a guy anyone can love, can be with.
” She opened her mouth to say something, but he cut her off.
“I’m never going to love anyone, Holly. I can’t.
I’m broken. Everyone I love dies, and I won’t go through that again. Ever.”
She pressed her lips together and shook her head. “Well, that sucks for both of us because I love you.”
He took a step back and lowered his arms, his heart beating out of control. “Take it back. You can’t. You can’t love me. I refuse to let you get hurt. You’re just mistaken because we’ve been doing so many high-adrenaline things. You just think you love me, but you can’t.”
She gave a hollow laugh. “You can’t tell me how to feel, Brody. I love you for you, not because you took me bungee jumping or fed me tacos. That’s part of it, of course, because you give yourself to everyone. Except for the most important parts of you.”
His body went numb, and he tried to think of a way out of this that wouldn’t hurt her, only he couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. So he did the one thing he knew would keep her away, keep her safe.
“I don’t love you, Holly. I can’t.”
She raised her chin. “You won’t.”
He paused. “I won’t,” he whispered.
She wasn’t crying now, and he didn’t know if that hurt more or less. He couldn’t feel anything. “Then you’d better get out because I don’t really want to look at you right now. I deserve more than this. But you know what, Brody? You deserve a hell of a lot more than this, too.”
And with that, he gave her one last look before leaving her alone in her home, the place she’d made for herself when she’d had nothing.
He’d hurt her, he’d lost her, and now, he’d lost a part of himself as well.
He’d done the one thing he shouldn’t have done—he’d fallen in love with Holly Rose.
Only he couldn’t do anything about it and still keep her safe.
Derek’s words swirled around in his head, and he was afraid he’d just made a horrible mistake. But it was too late. He’d left her crying and icy, and he couldn’t go back…
So now, Brody was alone.
Again.
The only way he knew how to live.