31. Willow
Willow
All around me is darkness. No feeling. No sound. No air. It is the absence of everything. My body is floating—at least, I think that’s what’s happening—but I can’t seem to move my limbs. I cannot blink or speak or even take a breath.
I think… I think I may be dead.
A tiny glowing red orb floats in front of me, blinking faintly, as small as a marble against all that black.
Hey, girl.
With a jolt, I realize that the orb is Spoon—or, at least, the only thing my mind could conjure to represent the thing that Spoon is.
“Hey,” I answer, my voice a weak croak. “Am… am I dead?”
The orb blinks, and as it does, a single word echoes into the nothingness. Yes.
I swallow hard. I knew it, but hearing it aloud somehow makes it worse. “Where… What is this place?”
The red light flickers faintly, almost sympathetically. This is the abyss.
“There’s nothing here.”
Spoon releases a small laugh, but it holds no humor. It does seem that way, doesn’t it?
I suck in a shallow breath, panic fisting around my windpipe and tightening. “I don’t like it here, Spoon. I’m… I’m scared.”
I know, little human. The orb floats closer, brushing gently against my cheek. It will be okay. You will not be here for long.
“Where—where am I going?”
To the after.
My fear deepens, cold spreading through whatever's left of me. When I speak, my words come out pitched and thin. “What will happen to me there?”
The orb flickers sympathetically. There are things even I do not know, little human. This, I cannot prepare you for.
“You… You’re not coming with me?” I don’t know why the thought makes me so sad. I just… I don't want to be alone.
I’m sorry, but I cannot. This is where we must part ways.
“What will happen to you?”
Me? There is a long pause. For a time, I will sleep. I will forget. Eventually, when I am needed, I will wake. On and on the cycle goes.
I’m not sure, but I think I detect some sadness in its voice, and it causes my chest to clench.
I had hoped that we would be together for millennia, Spoon finishes. But… the fates do not always listen to our desires.
“So that’s it?” I whisper. “This is the end of the road for us.”
I’m afraid so.
I look out into the vast nothing, thinking about my last moments alive. Saving The Far Place. Holding my mates’ bodies as I succumbed to the dark.
I swallow, a well of emotion brimming behind my eyes. “My mates… will they be okay?”
The males will live, yes. As will that accursed world. A long pause. The Welwig brought back what it had created long ago. To balance the scales. The light blinks softly. You achieved what you set out to do, little human. You should be proud.
“Proud.” I let out a soft laugh at the irony. “I suppose I am proud. But… I’m also profoundly sad. Sad that it had to end the way it did.” I let out a breath. “But as long as they live, it’s worth it.”
If you say so.
I’m not sure how to respond to that, so I stay silent. We float in the darkness for a while longer, the orb's small glow drifting steadily beside me.
“Hey, Spoon?”
Yes?
“Since I’m dead and everything… can I ask you something?”
I don’t see why not.
“You’ll be honest with me?”
I will.
I take a deep breath. “I’ve been wondering… Why?”
You mean, why did I help you? Why did I abandon my nature and help you save your world?
I nod softly.
The orb flickers. Maybe I was feeling charitable.
Bullshit. You said you’d be honest.
Spoon releases a small, weak laugh. Fine, fine. I helped because… because it was the right thing to do. Because I remembered. Remembered that there is love, and heart, and goodness in living creatures. I had forgotten about it for so long. So, so long…
I don’t know what to say about that. I just float in silence, waiting for it to speak again.
Willow…?
“Yes, Spoon?”
Are you… Are you afraid to die?
I’m reminded of the night we sat atop the cliffs, staring out at the landscape. I felt so small then. So insignificant. I couldn’t picture what I would feel when faced with death. Now…
“I am,” I say. “I’m… terrified.”
Now it's the serafyn’s turn to ask. Why?
“I guess because… because I don’t want to be alone.
Because it’s dark and bleak here, and I can’t imagine it being any less so where I’m going.
And also because… because I really, truly, just want to live.
I want to feel Rhune’s hand in mine. I want to laugh with Nyx and braid Dravik’s hair.
I want to look into Cin’s eyes and see the gentle male I fell in love with.
I want to pet Kevin again, and tell him he’s a good boy.
I want to run, and fly, and feel the wind on my face.
I just… I want more. More time. More everything.
” Tears prick my eyes, but I don’t let them fall.
“I wish… God, I just wish I had more time.”
Fascinating, Spoon whispers. I… have had nothing but time. I never thought about it like that. I never—
The light blinks softly, but doesn’t say anything. For a while, I don’t think Spoon will ever speak again.
Willow, it says. I am sorry.
“It’s not your fault.” My voice is raw. “It’s just how the fates turned out.”
I suppose. The light blinks faintly. Willow…?
“Yes, Spoon?”
Would you like to live again?
My breath catches in my throat. “What?”
Do you want to live?
I open my mouth. Close it. “I don’t understand.”
You don’t have to. You just need to answer the question.
Now, the tears fall freely. I picture Rhune’s smiling face, the feel of his hand in mine.
I think of Nyx’s sly grin, and the lovely pitch of his voice when he tells me that I’m his.
I think of Dravik’s strong arms, and how safe and warm I feel when he holds me close.
And then, I think of Cin—dangerous, wonderful, complicated Cin.
They have shown me more love than I ever thought existed.
They have healed me. They have changed me.
And I… I want to be able to tell them that.
I want to see them again, even if it’s only for one more moment.
“Yes,” I say. “Yes. I want to live. I want to be back with my mates. More than anything, I want to live again.”
Okay. The light flickers, and I’m filled with a bittersweet mix of grief and joy. Then, it will be so.
The orb presses against my skin, passing through my sternum and filling me with warmth—with beautiful, blessed light. I feel the serafyn's remaining life force transferring into me, and my heart kicks once, twice, then settles into a rhythm I recognize as mine.
“What… what is this?” I gasp. “What happened?”
This is me. This is you. This is… us.
“I don’t understand.”
All that was me will now be transferred to you.
You will not be able to wield my powers, but it will run through your veins.
You will be able to live out many, many eons with your mates.
You can raise a family with them. Happily.
Healthily. You will have the time you so long for.
There is a long pause. But you will need to do so without me.
My heart clenches. I know what the serafyn means before it even says it.
My life, for yours, Spoon says. All I ask is you do not waste it.
I can’t help myself. I need to know. “Why?”
Spoon just laughs. Why? I suppose it’s because I’m curious.
Or perhaps bored. I have lived for eons, traversed the vast web of the universe, and traveled to every pocket domain and planet at least thrice over…
I think the after presents a nice challenge.
A change of scenery at least. The serafyn takes a long breath.
All of those things are true. But mostly, I am doing this because in all my millennia, I’ve never encountered a creature as stubborn, imbecilic, and downright silly as you.
“Hey!”
That being said—Spoon interrupts—I have also never encountered someone so inexplicable. Your capacity to love, and forgive, and fight… It is truly astounding. To watch a creature give, when all I have done in my entire existence is destroy.
It laughs again, a sad sound that causes my heart to clench painfully. Not only that, but… you remind me of someone I used to know. Someone I used to love. Someone I remember, now, thanks to you.
My breath catches in my throat. “W-Who?”
I feel the serafyn smile. Your mother.
“My… mother?”
The only other vessel I cared for. Spoon lets out a small, sad sigh.
We were together for decades. Me, keeping her body young and healthy, and her, talking to me and fighting off my boredom.
We traveled all through the web of the abyss, and ended countless worlds.
We were a perfect team—until she met him. The male.
A scoff. She begged me to spare him. To let him be the one thing we saved from his world. I should have known better. But I wanted to make her happy, so I let her keep her little pet. I brought him back to earth for her. I let her visit him whenever she desired. But then…
Spoon lets out a shaky sigh, showing more emotion than in the entire time I’ve spoken to it.
She became pregnant. She… decided she wanted to grow old and gray with her male, to raise her young as a regular creature would.
She wanted to be normal. And I… I could not deny her anything.
I loved her too much. I took my powers away and forced myself back into hibernation.
I watched silently as she lived her life.
The serafyn's voice pitches with emotion.
Then, there was the accident… So much carnage, so much blood.
That day, she called me. I answered. She asked me to save her mate and her young.
She said she would do anything for them—even if that meant she would die in their place.
She asked me to save you, Willow. To sever my soul from hers and find yours in the abyss so we could be together like she and I were. So you might live.
My mind is filled with flashing images, the same ones I saw when my mates fell into the pit. Only this time, they’re moving slow enough for me to piece together. And suddenly, I understand.
The serafyn gazes through Flora Wood’s eyes, its soul clenching with a deep, never-ending sadness.
Is this what you truly want, Flora?
Flora doesn't move, unable to look away from the two bodies beside her. Her husband, and the youngling they made together. "I've never wanted anything more.” Her body shudders with the weight of her grief. “Kill me. Send me to the after to be with my Graith, but please… save my Willow."
We will never be together again.
“I know,” Flora sobs. “I know. But I have to save her. My heart… my heart cannot go on without her.” Flora looks up then, her red-ringed eyes gleaming with a fiery resolution. “Save her. Please, save my Willow.”
The serafyn nods once, and lets its power fall away. Flora's hand finds her husband's one last time as her own body stills, following him into the after.
Grief tugs at the threads of the serafyn’s soul, but it does not give in.
It has a job to do. With the same resolution shining in Flora’s eyes, the serafyn descends into the abyss.
The dark stretches endlessly around her, thick with the drifting, gleaming shapes of souls.
It passes through the swarm without pause, searching for the only one that matters.
Willow.
Her soul is small, but bright, drifting apart from the greater masses. The serafyn shoots toward it, attaching its soul to that tiny gleaming orb before it can escape.
I will keep you safe, she promises the child's soul. Everything is going to be okay now that we are together.
She wraps Willow's soul and carries it up, out of the abyss, back toward the small body left behind.
Her heart kicks once, twice, then relaxes into a rhythm that is all her own.
Satisfied, the serafyn fades into the recesses of the tiny human's mind, curling into some forgotten corner where a child will never think to look.
Then it sleeps. And it waits.
“Oh my God.” I bring a shaking hand to my mouth. “She… she saved me. Both of you did.”
Now you understand. I made a promise to protect you. Spoon releases a heavy sigh, though it sounds more relieved than sad. And now, my duty is paid. Now, I can finally rest.
Tears flow freely down my cheeks. I don’t know what to say. There are no words, other than, “Thank you, Spoon. Just… thank you.”
Don’t thank me, the serafyn says. I would not have promised for anyone but her, and I would not have done it if you were any less extraordinary. There’s a soft laugh, and this time, there is no sadness within it. You remind me so much of her. So good. So kind. So very, very strong.
I choke on a broken sob. Don’t go, my heart whispers. Stay just a little longer. But I know it is useless. Our time has come to an end.
The serafyn continues in that bittersweet tone that makes my heart clench.
Thank you, Willow, it says. Thank you for letting me go to the after with my memories of her.
Thank you for reminding me of the meaning of it all.
It takes a rattling breath. I am glad for the short time we had together, even if… even if it was not enough.
I feel the serafyn rise inside me, opening its eyes lazily, looking at me for the last time. Goodbye, Willow, it says.
“Goodbye, Spoon.”
The serafyn doesn’t answer.
And I know, deep down, that it never will again.