Chapter Twenty-Four #3
“How is it that we didn’t know these things about each other? After all these years of knowing you, you’ve been perfect for me this whole time.”
“I think I knew.” I shrug.
“Come on. Don’t lie. You hated me.”
“I hated you because you hurt me, but I think my heart still knew there was more to us than that.” I rest my head on his chest, attempting to catch my breath.
“I’m sorry for leaving college without telling you.” He runs his palm down my hair, twirling it around his finger.
“Why did you? You knew how much I wanted to be with you.”
He sighs, rubbing his hand over his mouth.
“Scoot over.”
I slide along the seats, and he hunches into the car, indicating for me to lie down with my head in his lap.
I do as he requests, and I’m rewarded with my hair being stroked.
I pull my knees up toward my chest. There’s certainly not enough room for this, but I’m sated, so it doesn’t bother me too much.
“When I knew I was going to Afghanistan, I didn’t want to pursue anything with you. I knew how much you liked me, but honestly, I knew how much I liked you.”
“Okay . . . I don’t get it.”
He huffs, pausing for a moment to look up.
“I didn’t want to go over there pining after a girlfriend who was waiting for me.
It felt like tempting fate for something to happen to you or to me.
I couldn’t bear it if I left and then you had to deal with the fallout.
But when I returned, I was so happy because I knew I could finally be with you.
But you were with that toad-toe Todd, who I just wanted to throw out the window. ”
“I only dated him because I knew that was the first dinner club you would be at. I wanted you to be as hurt as I was.”
He strokes my hair again, his free hand pulls mine to his lips, and he kisses my knuckles.
“I know. And I’m sorry I could have just explained. I could have begged you for forgiveness, told you how stupid I was. That I thought about you every day I was away, and every day since.”
“You have?” My heart is thudding against my chest. How many times can this man make me feel like he’s confessing his sins to me?
“You’re the only girl I’ve ever felt this way about, Katie. The only one I’ve ever put this much time and energy into.”
I laugh. “Half the time you were trying to annoy me into fighting with you!”
“I think you mean half the time I was trying to get your attention, and the other half I was just watching you. That’s all I’ve been doing since I got back from Afghanistan. Just watching, waiting, hoping that one day you’ll let me back in again. That was the second-best kiss of my life, princess.”
“Oh yeah? What was the first?”
“After we had sex the first time. You rolled over, and you looked so relieved. I know I messed things up that night afterward.” He cringes.
“But you gave me the softest, most delicate kiss, like you were thanking me, like you were so grateful, and it just broke me. It broke me that you’d been suffering so much, and I had no idea.
That kiss made me want to do better for you.
To be the man that you could come to when something was upsetting you or bothering you.
I hated that you lived on a construction site.
I hated that I had no idea about the Vale case.
I hated myself for being so wrapped up in our games that I forgot the whole reason I was doing it.
To be there for you. And now you’ve let me in, I’m terrified I’m going to mess it up again. ”
“Jonesy . . . I don’t think you will. I messed up, too. I let my hate get in the way of what would truly make me happy. I let it happen. I encouraged you to act that way.”
He shakes his head. “Sit up for me, princess.” He cups my cheek, his lips slightly parted, a frown marring his face as if he’s warring against his own thoughts.
His hair is a little longer now, flopping over his forehead, and I know he’s due for a cut.
Even his beard is looking uncharacteristically scraggly.
Maybe it’s the stress of the case, maybe it’s that he’s out of his routine staying with me every night.
His hazel eyes hold mine, and it hits me that he’s about to say something monumental.
Something that’s going to change our relationship forever, and I don’t know if I’m ready.
I’ve only just got my footing back after a year of being on edge all the time.
My mind has only started to rein itself in after months of torturously little sleep, a caffeine habit, and no social life.
He’s changed that. He’s brought me back to life.
And even though I understand that it’s more than that, I’m not ready to hear him say it.
It’s been in the back of my mind for years, but I want to be strong on my own.
I want to feel like I won’t break if this doesn’t work out.
“Katie, I—”
“Jonesy, we should focus on the case,” I interrupt, hoping the prick of tears in my eyes conveys that I’m not ready to hear what he has to say.
His lips flatten into a straight line, his shoulders pulling back as his hands slip from my face and clasp my hands instead. He’s backing off, but he’s not letting go.
“After the case, we could go on a date—” He looks down at our hands. “A real date where we get dressed up, I’ll bring you flowers, and we’ll go somewhere fancy that doesn’t suit either of us, and we can laugh at all the people who take themselves too seriously.”
“I could pretend to play with my keys at the door when you drop me off . . .”
“I’ll give you a goodnight kiss, just like a gentleman would, and I’ll tell you I’ll call you.”
“And then I’d leave my back door unlocked . . .” I add, feeling my breath getting deeper. The squirm of pleasure already taking root in my lower belly.
He lifts his eyes to mine, darkened with the possibility of a relationship on our own terms.
“I’d sneak into your house. Maybe I’d find you in the bath, your eyes closed so you don’t know I’m there. Maybe I’d slip my hand beneath the bubbles, and maybe I’d find out just how much you enjoyed our date.”
I try to fight the grin stretching across my face, but I can’t. He just understands me. All the parts I thought were broken, he’s caring for them, treating them like they’re normal, like they’re sexy and have just been misunderstood this whole time.
I know when I’m ready to say the three little words I think he was about to say, he’ll say them back. This is Jonesy. My Jonesy. He’s always belonged to me.
“Oh my God, the case. Jonesy, we’ve got to stop. Didn’t Connor sign something to you in ASL?”
His eyes widen. “Shit, yeah . . . you’re just so goddamn sexy, princess. Everything about you is distracting.” He huffs a laugh, drops a quick kiss on my lips, and pulls back, helping me out of the car. “Connor’s ASL is a little broken, but I understood kind of what he was saying.”
He pulls out his notepad from the trunk of his car.
“Okay, he told me to check the visitor log, which I stupidly forgot because I saw red the second you pulled out that letter.” His jaw clenches, and I put a soothing hand on his forearm.
“Okay . . . Hulk man, let’s chill for a second, okay? What did Connor say?”
“Right, sorry, baby.” He calms, a goofy smile replacing the scowl as he squeezes my hand. “He said, visitor book, old soldier, boss soldier, and then he said danger, liar.”
“So, the colonel?”
“Oh yes, and he signed the letter C, which I took for the colonel, and he nodded.”
“Wow . . . so the colonel visited him in prison, and he called him dangerous and a liar? But he explained nothing else?” Why wouldn’t he just explain?
Jonesy answers that internal question. “His ASL was understandable, but he mostly knew words, not sentence structure.”
“Okay . . . and didn’t he say father the last time we were there?”
“Yes, that's right.” Jonesy nods.
“So the colonel has been lying, and then Connor’s father is mixed up in it? I’m more confused than ever,” I admit.
“We’ll figure it out. In the meantime, I need to go and have a chat with the colonel. Can I drop you home?”
Home.
He says it as if it’s ours and not just mine. And truthfully, it’s only recently that it started to feel like one, so maybe there’s some truth in that.
“Sure. I need to prepare for the appeal, anyway. I’ve only got a few days left.”
“How do you feel about it?”
Scared, confused, unsure . . . a lot of emotions. But they’re not as intense as I expected they would be.
“I’m feeling okay. I’m nervous to see him again, but I don’t think I have anything to worry about.”
Jonesy grunts, helping me into the front seat. He pulls me in for a hard, brutal kiss and closes my door.
Once he’s dropped me home, he promises to return later that night, and I count down the minutes until he does.