31. Dani
My mom took Laura outside of Lizzie’s room to help soothe her.
Lizzie has her face buried in her hands and leans back on her pillow. My heart is shattering inside my chest as I watch a multitude of expressions fill her face.
Noah starts talking to her. “I know this is a lot to process. I still haven’t fully processed any of it. Something I wish I did was scream when Dr. Miller told us about Dad.” He pauses. “Do it. Pretend you’re not in a hospital full of people.” He backs up and leans on the back of the chair, taking me with him. “I’d cover your ears if I were you. She’s a pretty loud screamer.”
I do what he says, pressing the palms of my hands to my ears to filter out the noise.
Lizzie opens her mouth against her pillow, releasing muffled screams.
Hospital workers are looking into our room, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I don’t blame them.
Her screaming changes to sobbing in a matter of seconds. She face-plants into the bed. Her body shakes as muffled sobs are being filtered out from the material of her pillow.
I take my hands off my ears.
One of the nurses comes rushing in with Mom and Laura following her.
“Is everything okay?” the nurse asks.
She’s in her early thirties, wearing scrubs. Her blonde hair is tied up in a low ponytail, bringing out her emerald-green eyes.
“What the hell is going on here?” Laura asks her son.
“I told her to scream to release some of the pain. It’s something I wish I did when I found out about Dad’s passing.”
“Noah, we’re in a public place. Don’t do that again. Sometimes I wonder if you’re actually an adult.”
He shakes his head, focusing his attention on Lizzie.
His sister is sitting and staring at the wall across from her. “How did I survive? Why couldn’t it have been me instead of him?”
“Oh, honey. Dr. Miller told us your injuries weren’t as severe. Please don’t blame yourself. This isn’t your fault.” Laura’s doing her best to console her daughter.
This is exactly how I felt.
I thought Dad’s accident was my fault even though I wasn’t in the car with him.
I felt guilty I wasn’t there. If I was, I would’ve tried to do something. Curse out the asshole who hit him. I could’ve saved his life or prolonged it for as long as humanly possible.
His death will scar me for the rest of my life as an open wound. I don’t know if it will ever heal. That’s the thing about losing someone who meant the entire world to you. It doesn’t feel like they’re gone forever. They’re just taking an extended vacation without you.
I wish I had the power to take Lizzie’s pain away and heal her broken heart. I’d heal Noah’s pain and broken heart too. And mine.
But unfortunately, I don’t have the power to heal people.
It would make life so much easier if I did.
“How is this not my fault, Mom? I was in the car. I wish I was the one in the driver’s seat. I killed him. I killed Dad.”
Tears are falling out of Lizzie’s eyes. She’s trying to catch her breath.
“Don’t say that,” I say to her, tears welling up in my eyes.
“How can I not say that, lioness? I shouldn’t be here right now,” she says.
My eyes narrow. “What are you talking about?”
“I don’t want to talk anymore. I just want to be alone. Please,” she pleads.
Noah’s breath makes contact with the skin on my neck, causing me to breathe in and out.
His arms wrap around me even tighter than they were previously. I cave again, putting my hands on top of his. They’re freakishly large, accentuating how dainty my hands are.
Goosebumps form on top of his hands, making my body jolt. His thumb gently rubs against mine.
I smile, knowing my touch is not only making him lose his mind, but because I’m calming him at the same time.
Noah seems to calm down when I touch his skin, especially when he’s on the brink of having a panic attack or when he’s in the middle of one.
I noticed it when I helped him for the first time a month ago, and when we were at the Promenade outside of Sunset Cove Creamery.
The weird thing is I calm down too when I feel his skin on mine. The same thing happens when I look deep into his eyes.
Here I go rambling on about Noah again. My mind can’t seem to get rid of him. He’s like a video that never stops replaying.
I wonder if he thinks about me in the way I think about him.