37. Dani
My eyes bounce over to the album posters that cover the wall over Noah’s bed.
You can definitely tell a teenage boy used to live here.
“I don’t remember all these posters.”
He looks around the room. “Yeah, I had a few of them in middle school, but the collection grew in high school.”
“I have to say you definitely have amazing taste in music.” I sit down on the edge of his bed which faces his closet.
“Really?” he asks, sitting down next to me.
“Yeah,” I say. “My dad introduced me to indie and alternative music, so I listen to a lot of the bands and artists that cover your wall back there.” I point to the wall behind us.
“Dad got me a portable music player as a bar mitzvah gift. It was loaded with songs by Pink Floyd, Guns N’ Roses, Queen, and Alanis Morisette. It led me to the music I listen to now.”
I smile. “My dad loved Pink Floyd so much. He discovered them back in college. He introduced them to me when I was around twelve years old. Back then, I didn’t understand the lyricism and deep meanings behind the songs. As I got older, I fell in love with how atmospheric and meaningful their songs are. The Dark Side of the Moon is an album I’ve been listening to on repeat since Dad passed away. Feels like he’s still here with me when I listen to it.”
He takes a moment to digest what I just told him, taking in a deep gulp. Licking his lips, he smiles at me sweetly. “I totally understand how you feel. Music was one of the things my dad and I bonded over, especially Pink Floyd. And I know both of our dads loved The Dark Side of the Moon almost more than they loved us.” He laughs. “I’m just kidding, but sometimes it felt like they loved that album more than us. Anyways, I-I’m glad we have music to connect with them. Even though they’re not physically here anymore.”
Getting off the bed, I rummage through the drawers of his desk.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Do you have earphones with a cord attached to them?”
He nods “Yeah. I’ve been meaning to get rid of them too.”
We sit back down on the bed, inserting the cord into my phone and putting one of the earbuds into my ear.
Noah puts the other earbud into his ear.
I whip out my phone from my back pocket, and open Spotify. The pad of my thumb taps on my playlist, Never Admit Defeat, which is full of Dad’s favorite songs which have now become some of my favorite songs of all time.
Pressing play on Brain Damage by Pink Floyd, our ears are flooded with its atmospheric melody which would sound even better if we were high right now.
At first, we look away from each other, but we eventually meet each other’s gaze.
A smile appears on my lips for a brief moment as I look away from Noah, feeling his ocean eyes burning me from the inside out. Threading his fingers into mine, he rubs my thumb with his in a gentle vertical motion.
My heartbeat speeds up, becoming offbeat with the melody of the song. Gulping hard, I stare at Noah.
Oh God, he’s staring at my lips.
My shoulders tense up and I can’t move the rest of my body. Licking my lips, I prepare myself internally for what could come next.
He starts leaning into me just enough that our lips lightly brush against each other. His hand is resting on my neck and our foreheads are leaning against one another.
I close my eyes.
My phone vibrates through the bed, putting this intimate moment between us on hold.
I pick up my phone and see a text from Mom light up my lock screen. I barely read the preview, tapping on it right away.
MOM
MOM
Hey Sweet Girl, I want to update you and Noah about what’s been going on
Dr. Miller finally came to talk to us. She said that she feels confident to release Lizzie from the hospital tomorrow afternoon. That is as long as everything goes okay for her during the night and in the morning
That being said, I’ll be helping Laura with Lizzie because I know she can’t do all this on her own. She needs help even though she’d never ask for it. Anyways, I hope you and Noah are okay. Have you kicked him out of the house yet?
ME
no and i don’t plan to
MOM
I’m so happy to hear that. How’s he doing?
ME
he’s been blaming himself for what happened to ben and lizzie, but i’m helping him work through his emotions
MOM
That’s good. I’m happy to hear you two are getting along. I’m on my way to drop Laura back at her house and then I’ll be coming back to our house to pick up some things I didn’t need at the time but now I do
ME
okay, we’re on our way back to the house now
MOM
Remember to breathe, honey. I love you
ME
i love you too
The constant reminder to just breathe has been the usual for me since middle school.
My first panic attack was scary as hell. I was sitting in class when my vision suddenly turned all blurry. A knot so tightly wound in my chest that wouldn’t go away. I couldn’t see straight so my teacher sent me to the nurse’s office.
I ended up spending hours there because I didn’t want to go back into that classroom. The nurse ended up calling my mom to come and pick me up.
We had a long talk in the car about what we were going to do because I couldn’t stay in public middle school any longer. She homeschooled me for a few months until she found a private middle school that worked for the both of us.
I don’t know what I would’ve done with my mom. I don’t know where I’d be or who I’d be right now. I’m so grateful for her. Dad was busy with his job at the time, but he still found time to take care of me when Mom needed a break.
I can’t imagine how draining it was for them, not knowing what was going to happen with me.
Mom found a therapist who specializes in helping kids and teenagers with anxiety, depression, and everything in between. Dr. Jennifer Price, whom I referred to as Jen, saved my life.
When Brain Damage finishes, I pause my playlist and rip the earbud out of my ear, so I can tell Noah the good news.
I stare at him for a moment to catch his attention.
He takes the earbud out of his ear, eyes widening. “Is everything okay?”
I smile, tears bubbling up in my eyes. “My mom just gave me the best update.” I pause. “Lizzie’s coming home tomorrow.”
Noah bursts into tears, burying his face in between his legs.
Now, I’m crying and rubbing his back.
When he lifts his head up, he looks at me for a couple of seconds and hugs me. His hands wrap tightly around my waist as his fingers run through loose tendrils in my hair.
“I’m so fucking happy,” he says into my ear.
“Me too.”
I try to free myself from our embrace, but it’s no use. His grip on me grows tighter. I can feel all the muscles in my body getting crushed to death.
“As much as I’m enjoying this, we need to go home.”
“Why?”
“So we can regroup and figure out what we want to make for dinner.”
“Okay.” He releases me from his grasp as he gently wipes away any remaining tears off my face with the pad of his thumb.
I return the favor, wiping tears off his face with the pads of my index and middle fingers.
We get off the bed one by one.
Noah puts his earbuds back into the drawer inside his desk. Putting my phone in my back pocket, I stand in front of the doorway of his childhood bedroom.
Strong hands rest on my shoulders, sending chills straight down my spine.
“I’ll meet you in the car.” He removes his warm hands from my shoulders and walks away from me.
Thanks for the memories. The times when Noah and I screamed at each other when one of us won family game night. And for the moment we just shared now. It’s one I’ll cherish for a long damn time.
I make my way out of the house.
“How long have you been standing out here?”
“Not too long,” he says.
He waits for me to move away from the front door, so he can lock it. When he does, we get in the car and head back to my house.
We pull up in front of the garage and I shift the gear into park.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he says as he opens the door and gets out of the car.
I get out of the car, and press a button on my car keys so it locks. When I unlock the front door to the house, I turn the light on.
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to go work on my book.” He smiles at me before he goes into the guest bedroom to get his computer.
God, that smile is going to be the death of me.