Chapter 12 #2
‘Ettie and I used to do it all the time as kids.’ Something wistful and gentle passes over his face.
‘His were always bigger of course, taller, more impressive, but mine lasted.’ He beams and when he looks at me, I think I can see an echo of that kid.
‘Here.’ He passes the third stone to me. ‘You give it a go.’
‘Really?’
‘If it falls, we try again.’ He shrugs and moves away so that I can take his place. I take a second rock, try to balance it on the first, but as soon as it makes contact the whole thing topples and falls down.
‘Shit. Sorry, I told you I couldn’t.’ I get to my feet and offer him the stones but Florian crosses his arms. ‘Half the fun’s in the trying again.’
I seat myself back down on the ground, try the second stone. Every time I take my hands away it tumbles again. Florian had made it look so easy, like these stones were glued together.
‘Fuck!’ I growl as the cairn collapses for a third time. I expect to feel Florian at my side ready to take over like Ettie would have done, sweep in and correct my mistakes, but he holds back, watching me carefully.
‘Would you like a tip?’ he asks gently.
‘Is it magic?’
‘You’re being too… rough,’ he offers. ‘Do you want some guidance?’ He hovers a little at my side until I nod.
‘Right, do what you did before.’ I do as he says.
‘Now keep your hands there, and… this is kind of stupid but you need to try to be the rock.’ I feel him next to me, the closeness of his body, the warmth.
I rotate the stone a little too harshly and the cairn falls again.
Florian sets it up before dusting his hands off and turning to me.
‘You need to root yourself to the ground; try crossing your legs.’ I copy him, ignoring how the ground is starting to make my jeans damp.
I flex out my fingers before starting again, planting the first stone to a flatter surface.
Florian disappears from view and then he’s there, at my back, a knee either side of me.
He’s careful not to sit too close, probably equally aware of the fine line between genuine assistance and something much more complicated.
He places his hands on top of mine so softly it’s like he isn’t really there at all, the faintest of touches as he positions them in a way that makes the next stone seem like it’s cemented to the one below.
He holds me there for a moment, his breaths slow and warm, touching the nape of my neck.
‘Almost.’ His voice is steady and deep as if in order to make this strange little tribute last he has to speak in a different frequency. ‘It helps if you close your eyes,’ he murmurs.
‘Seriously?’ I mutter through gritted teeth and he chuckles into my shoulder.
‘It was worth a try. Now take your hands away like this.’ I feel the warmth of his fingers leave mine, and then I do as he says until there are two perfectly balanced stones in front of us.
I let out a childish squeak and turn my head round to look at him, meet his grinning face, and I’m reminded of how close we are, of how strange this is.
‘Well done.’ He swallows back his smile and then moves away, grabbing one of the plates of food as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.
‘Now do the other one.’ He points to the pile of stones.
I roll my eyes but do as he says. It’s easier now I know the trick, know how it feels, and the final stone is balanced quickly and without fuss.
‘You’re a quick learner.’ You’d think he had just called me Michelangelo because I am almost giddy with pride.
‘Good teacher,’ I add and take the remaining plate, taking a seat on the ground next to him and looking at my handiwork.
‘So do you like have a thing for rocks or something?’ I ask, my lip curling up at the edge.
‘I mean all the sculpting and cairn building – sounds like you can’t get enough of them. ’
‘Very funny,’ he says with a mouthful of food. ‘I guess I like how they can’t talk back.’
I elbow him in the ribs. ‘Rude.’
‘Have you… enjoyed yourself?’ he asks, and I look back at the crowd for the now-familiar shapes of Luc and Angelina.
‘It was interesting for sure.’ Florian looks at me with one eyebrow raised. ‘My group was just a bit awkward… I used to be friends with Luc and Angelina, that’s all.’
Florian rips off a piece of bread and moulds the soft part into a dense little ball between his fingers. ‘I know.’
‘Oh…’
‘They used to ask about you when I moved here. They’re regulars at the café now.’
‘What did you tell them?’
‘The truth.’ He shrugs. ‘Told them that I didn’t have any idea where you were and that we didn’t keep in touch.’
‘And did you put me in a group with them on purpose?’
‘No.’ He shakes his head quickly and I believe him. I don’t think Florian had it in him to orchestrate some sort of meet-cute with estranged friends, no matter how bad our relationship had been.
We spoon another load of food into our mouths. ‘You say you used to,’ he says.
‘Sorry?’
‘You said they used to be your friends.’
I shrug. ‘Angelina’s angry that I left without telling them.’
Florian nods slowly paying extra attention to his salad, picking out individual slices of tomato on his fork. ‘Do you think her anger is justified?’
I look at him, at the way the humour has clearly evaporated from his face and been replaced by an awkwardness that doesn’t suit him. ‘Do you?’ My voice is colder than I intended it to be.
Florian weighs up my question. ‘I don’t know. You said they were your friends. Wouldn’t you want to know where they went if it was the other way around?’
‘So you hate me too? For not telling you where I was?’ A pause. A pause that’s too long to be explained away. ‘Great,’ I smirk, put my plate of food on the wall.
‘I don’t hate you, Ava,’ he manages to splutter out quickly. ‘I get why you did it but it was strange. I wanted to see you too, to talk to you, and you just disappeared.’
‘I had to, Florian. What was I going to do, stay here?’
‘Why is that such a strange thing to do? You lived here for seven years! I know that Ettie was the reason you stayed here in the first place but you’re telling me that you had nothing else to stay for, that you didn’t make any friends that were worth keeping in touch with?’
The reality of his statement hits hard. How I had realised about five years into my relationship with Ettie that I had become a very different person to who I thought I would be, how I had replaced friends and parties and uni societies for him.
I play with my wedding band, spinning it around and around my finger until I feel it tighten.
I clench my knees to my chest, rest my head there for a few breaths and then look back at the cairn, focusing on how precariously it’s balanced.
‘You know, the last night Ettie and I spent together was so fucking unremarkable.’ I sniff back a heavy chuckle.
‘We closed down the café like normal and then sat on the balcony drinking a bottle of wine with dinner. It was a shit last meal but he didn’t complain and it was sunny so it kind of made up for it.
Then we fucked and went to sleep.’ Florian’s face is screwed up in complete confusion as to why I’m divulging this now, his whole body taut and angular.
‘And then he died.’ I feel the tears stinging the back of my throat.
‘He just died. I don’t even know when it happened – what time I mean – how long I was lying next to his body, and when I woke up he was fucking gone and so was my life here and everything I knew and I trusted about the world. ’
‘Ava…’ Florian puts his plate on the ground, turns his body towards me. He is probably questioning when on earth this conversation went from jokes about him fancying masonry to this.
‘So I left,’ I shrug. ‘I upped and left because I didn’t make sense here.
I don’t make sense here. Without him I’m just a strange English girl with no friends and no job and no family.
’ I heave myself up off the ground. Florian tries to grab on to my arm but I yank it away.
I turn to him. I’m furious how he can take something good and turn it into this.
Furious at him for bringing it all back up to the surface.
‘But I refuse to be judged by someone who chose to be absent for all the years Ettie was alive, only to act like the doting brother when he isn’t. ’
And I walk back home.