Chapter 6 Stuck on You - Tara
The Next Morning
On the particular weekends where my kids were with their father, it seemed as though time dragged.
A part of my Saturday routine included attending a yoga class at the YMCA taught by an amazing instructor I loved like family, Breonna.
Even with my morning having a relaxing start, I missed coming home from hot yoga to my kids requesting cinnamon roll French toast, sausage, and eggs.
It was the part of not having a two-parent home that I dreaded the most when the facade I thought was a foundationally sound marriage came tumbling down.
Honestly, some weekends I tried to do any and everything to avoid being home alone.
Most times I would stop by my folks’ house and spend time with them, but even they had made plans for the weekend.
With nothing else to do, I arrived back at my empty house, ready to shower and lounge around for the rest of the day. Much to my dismay, the last person I expected to see was seated at the kitchen counter, enjoying a cup of coffee as if they belonged.
“What are you doing here, and where are my kids, Jason?”
“ Our kids are at my house.”
“Oh, you left them at home with your little wife?” I questioned with a smirk that caused him to roll his eyes as I walked past him in the direction of the coffee pot.
“You know you only have a key in the instance you need to do something regarding the kids, and the kids are not here, so you don’t need to be either. ”
“Is it always going to be this hostile between us?”
“No,” I stated, causing him to wear a premature smile. “I imagine when I’m dead, I’ll no longer have any hostility toward you.”
“Tara, can we just go back to the way things were?” Jason questioned seriously.
“Jason. I don’t know what fairytale you woke up in, but it doesn’t exist in this house. You created the reality we are living in, and you only have yourself to blame for it, so when you say can we just go back to the way things were, no we cannot.”
“Are you saying you can’t forgive me?”
“I’m working through the process of forgiving you, but the way things were are only memories at this point of our lives,” I declared while my heart broke on the inside because at one point in time, the words he was saying would have been music to my ears.
The realization quickly brought tears to my eyes because while I wanted my family back, I couldn’t fathom giving him another chance only for him to do the same thing to me with whoever the next ‘Amber’ would be.
I couldn’t say without a doubt that Amber was the first person he cheated on me with during our marriage, and because of that, I knew on my end, trust would never exist between the two of us.
“Tara, I need you. Tell me you don’t need me,” Jason requested, taking purposeful steps in my direction to close the distance keeping us apart.
“No. I don’t ne—” Silencing me, Jason put his lips to mine, and all of a sudden, a flash of memories came back to me, seemingly rushing to the front of my mind like rapid waves on the port.
As he began to explore the curves of my body, I could vividly recall the night of our first date during our junior year of high school.
I saw the night we went to senior prom. I flashed back to the night he asked me to marry him in the living room of our off-campus college apartment during our sophomore year at North Brooke Port University.
I reminisced back to the day we found out I was pregnant with each of our children, and I recalled the day where we exchanged I do’s.
It was the day that should have been the beginning of our forever.
As he kissed me, I cried.
I released tears because it felt wrong, but then again it felt right. It felt as if his lips were designed specifically for my skin alone.
Carrying me to the bedroom we once shared, he laid me on the bed and stared down at me with what had to have been love.
It was a look that made me feel the security I needed to feel during our marriage, and although I knew it meant very little because of his wife, it still made me feel wanted, needed, and loved.
To feel those things from the man I was supposed to spend forever with was a much-needed ego boost to the broken woman his infidelity had made me.
With each position he maneuvered my body into, he tapped and exposed levels of hurt and pain his hands had caused.
With each touch, he massaged and caressed vulnerabilities and insecurities formed at his hands.
When we were finished and he finally released me from his hold, I felt more broken than I felt before he walked into my house, but even in my brokenness, I recognized the opportunity for the sweetest form of revenge.
She had slept with my husband, and I had slept with hers. It was poetic justice at its finest.
Grabbing his phone, I captured a picture of me nestled into his chest. I went to Amber’s contact profile, attached the picture in a text message, and wrote the perfect caption.
I’ll send him back to you when I’m done.
***
Hearing my phone chirp, I jumped straight out of bed and out of his arms. I knew I couldn’t have been sleep long, and without looking at my phone, I knew the chirp was the alarm I had set to meet Eva for a late breakfast. Normally I would have gone directly after yoga class, but as luck would have it, she had something to do and needed to push it back.
Had we met at our normal time, I wouldn’t have been home to know Jason was there.
“No. No. No!” Lightly tapping myself on my head in disbelief, I couldn’t believe I’d let myself slip into such an abyss that I allowed myself to dip back to my past. Being in the arms of my ex-husband was something that never should have happened under any circumstance.
Woefully, I couldn’t even blame it on the alcohol I’d consumed the night before because it had long ago left my system. All I could blame it on was stupidity, loneliness, and falling victim to Jason’s golden tongue.
Hearing his phone sound off, I glanced at his screen to see Amber was calling. As I aggressively nudged him to wake him out of his deep sleep, he didn’t look like he had a care in the world.
I didn’t know what was going through my mind, and while I found myself in a crazed level of panic-stricken anxiety, I answered his phone, placing the phone to my ear.
“Hello,” I greeted, taking note of the loud gasp she released, obviously not expecting for me to have answered his phone.
“Where is my husband?”
“He’s in the bed. As soon as I wake him up, I’ll be sending him back to you.”
“Tara, I feel like the three of us need to sit down and talk about this. I am willing to forgive you for sleeping with my husband, but—”
“Amber, please take your forgiveness and shove it up the furthest part of your ass,” I hissed, quickly ending the call.
I hated to come off so harsh and to use such a vulgar tone with her, but she deserved it.
Replaying her suggestion in my mind, I couldn’t understand why she had been fighting so hard to have a sit down with the three of us, but it wasn’t something I had an interest in.
Even giving consideration to her husband being in my bed, it wasn’t something I saw as being up for debate.
“Jason! Jason!” I yelled, ready to move my tactics from aggressively nudging him to forcefully kicking him out of the bed.
“Tara, a few more hours,” Jason mumbled, pulling my plush comforter over his head.
“You can have a few more hours of sleep once you go back to your house and get in your bed.”
“But I like it here. I don’t want to leave.”
“That, my friend, is an unfortunate confession because here isn’t where you belong.” Gathering his clothing from the floor, I pulled the comforter down and tossed his clothes on top of him. “This shouldn’t have happened. You need to leave… now.”
“Tara, we belong together,” he stated with a certain level of mocked conviction in his tone. I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or if he truly believed the foolishness coming from his mouth.
“Jason, I can’t stress enough how you need to be at home with your wife.”
“I am at home with my wife,” he insisted, attempting to pull my naked body on top of his. Suddenly, I regained the bit of common sense I lacked and fought against his advance to compromise the journey of growth I was on.
“No. No, you are not,” I ridiculed, wondering what I had really drug myself into by crossing a line I knew better than to cross. “I am your ex-wife for a reason, Jason. Your current wife is at home where you need to be. Please don’t make this any more awkward than it has to be.”
“It wasn’t awkward when I was inside you, Tara. You have to admit it felt like old times.”
“Don’t flatter yourself. I haven’t been with anyone outside of my battery-operated boyfriend since we got a divorce, so please don’t let it go to your head,” I calmly advised, causing the smile to disappear from his face.
“I am going to take a shower. I hope you’re gone by the time I get out.
Besides me not wanting you here, I think you have a fire to go put out with your wife. ”
“What is that supposed to mean, Tara?” Jason inquired with his face contorted, slightly twitching as if he was on the verge of having a stroke.
“Check your text messages.”
Lunging to the other side of the bed where his phone was resting, he unlocked it, and his face dropped, letting me know the intimately revealing photo I had the liberty of sending Amber was on his screen.
“Why would you do this? Tara, how could you be so reckless?” As if the bed he’d only minutes prior had been too comfortable to leave had suddenly caught fire, he found a new sense of urgency to throw on the clothes I’d been begging him to put on.
With the tables reversed, suddenly I wasn’t ready for him to leave.
“How could I be so reckless? Is that the question you sincerely want to ask me right now? I don’t recall me coming off as reckless when you were inside of me, Jason.”
Throwing his words in his face, I could tell the truth wasn’t as sweet when he was forced to digest it. Leaving him where he was frantically preparing to make his exit, I walked into my bathroom, knowing I had somewhere to be. I needed to hurry to wash him off me.
Turning on the water, I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror.
Holding my head down in defeat, I felt like I’d backslid all the way to step one. I chastised myself because I knew better. I knew Jason, and I knew myself, so I should have never accepted his request to have me again.
Jason didn’t deserve any piece of me. Honestly, he never had.
There were certain things I could count on with Jason and one of many was that he would always put his interest and well-being above anyone else’s, even if he knew the person would be hurt in the process.
Jason would never hold me higher than he held himself, and that would never be okay with me again.
He had put himself first, and I needed to do the same. Revisiting my past wouldn’t be an option going forward.