Chapter 21 On Everything - Eva
A Few Days Later
Carrying out the very thing I had been extremely adamant on not doing, I found myself standing in front of my dad’s hospital door. I wasn’t ready to enter his room, so I was just standing there.
Replaying the conversation I’d had with my little sister after I talked to Tara, was well worth it because I was finally able to get her to see things from my point of view.
The heavy and emotionally draining conversation took me reliving days of my childhood she didn’t have any recollection of to get her to stand in my shoes.
When I told her about his treatment of Janet and I and how he behaved during our youth, she understood and apologized for not being understanding from the beginning.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to fight my little sister, but I went from having an issue with her to having to face my issue with my dad.
Inhaling and exhaling several purposeful breaths was just what I needed to gather the courage to walk through the door.
“Hey, Dad,” I greeted, walking into the cold room. From the lack of physical warmth in the room, to the fact of me not necessarily wanting to be there, the feel of it all was exceptionally chilling.
“Hey. I’ve been waiting on you to stop by,” he confessed, slightly taking me by surprise.
“You have?”
“Yes, I have. What did you bring me?” he asked, searching me with his eyes as if he expected me to be holding something other than my purse.
“I didn’t bring anything aside from my presence which should be more than enough for you considering the dynamics of our relationship.”
“Eva don’t start with all of that,” he fussed, causing me to rear my head back in shock. “Jacquelyn told me I needed to talk to you, but let’s just leave the past in the past. Black folks don’t talk about stuff. We pray, go to church, and keep it moving.”
“I know you’re lying.” I said more to myself than to him.
“No, I’m not lying. It’s worked for generations, and if it’s not a broken tactic, there’s no need for us to try to fix it.”
“Mama was right. We do need to talk, Dad.”
“Good Lord you act just like your mama wanting to talk all of the damn time,” he hissed, rubbing his hand down his face in irritation, showing me he was still the ignorant bastard he was in my adolescence.
“Talk, Eva. Go ahead and say whatever it is you have to say. Go ’head and get it off of your chest.”
“Daddy, why didn’t you love me?” I asked, taking a seat, doing my best to attain a comfortable position in the pleather chair I was forced to sit in for our visit.
“Who said I didn’t love you? I was there every day when you were growing up, that’s love,” he reasoned with an erroneous sense of pride.
“And you want the dad of the year award for that? You don’t know how many days I spent hating you. If I had a dollar for every single time I had to convince myself I didn’t detest you, I would never have to work another day in my life. Hell, my sons probably wouldn’t have to work either.”
“It doesn’t make any sense for you to have so much hostility toward me, Eva.
You need to pray on that. Maybe you need to even see somebody because it can’t be good for you,” he advised like he gave a damn about my wellbeing.
“Now, I may not have been the best father to you, but you don’t have the ground to hate me. ”
“Do you remember my eighth birthday?”
“Eva—”
“Mama had requested off that day, and all I wanted was for her to cook fried chicken and mashed potatoes. Plus, I wanted an ice cream cake, a pink balloon, and a pink teddy bear,” I said, pulling the broken child in me out from hiding.
On the average day I did my best to keep her from showing her brokenness, but I was going to let her show out today and in turn, I was going to give her the chance to heal.
“When I went to school that morning, Mama told me everything I wanted would be waiting for me when I came home. You don’t know it, but I spent all day bragging to my friends about the setup I had waiting for me after school. ”
“Eva—”
“No, let me have this!” I yelled, causing him to slightly jump. The nod he gave me, letting me know I could continue didn’t mean anything to me because I was going to say what I had to say regardless.
“When I got home, Mama told me she was waiting on you to come back with everything from the grocery store. We waited and waited and waited, and you never came. I cried myself to sleep that night, and when I woke up the next morning, I didn’t see anything on the counter aside from bags from the liquor store,” I cried, feeling fresh tears stream down my face.
“You act like your being physically present was a gift, but if that’s what you call being there for me, you should have stayed the hell away from me. ”
“I didn’t realize you remembered that,” he stated, holding his head down in shame.
It was the first time I’d ever seen him wear such an emotion, and it was enough to keep me cemented in shock, glued to my seat.
“Eva, I’ve had a problem with alcohol for years.
It started long before your mother and I got together.
When I first met Jacquelyn, I had a good job and I was doing my best to be sober, but I got fired not long after Janet was born.
From there it seemed like I couldn’t find anyone who wanted to hire me.
Eventually I stopped trying to find work, and I stopped caring altogether.
That damn bottle has always had a hold on me.
It’s always there when I need it. Honestly, drinking is really the only thing I’m good at.
I hate that my love for liquor tainted the relationship I have with you.
As a man, I feel less than hearing you say that you resented my presence in your life. ”
I wanted to tell him his feelings were correct.
He was much less than the definition of a good man in my eyes and I wanted him to know it.
A part of me wanted to continue to yell my frustrations, and I wanted each one to hit heavier and lower than the one before, eventually breaking him down to the point of no return.
Consider that before he was your dad, he was a man. I thought to myself, replaying Zeke’s words of wisdom.
“Where does this leave us?” I asked, staring at him as he wiped the tears from his eyes, using his bare hands instead of reaching for the box of tissues next to his bed.
“Can we start over?”
“Are you willing to stop drinking?”
“Damn, you’re just like Jacquelyn,” he jokingly stated, laughing through the tears, causing me to do the same. “Yes, I’ll stop drinking if it means having a clean start with you.”
“Okay.”
Exiting the hospital room, I felt as if a load had been lifted. After a two-hour conversation, catching up on life and realizing I had more in common with my dad than I ever wanted to admit, I felt optimistic about our relationship.
Taking a deep breath filled with hope, I looked up so I could safely cross the hall. Making the first move too soon, I collided into a hard chest, and in one sniff I knew who I was in the presence of.
“Eva,” he stated, surprise evident in his tone. “Sorry about that. I know better than to walk and look at my phone at the same time.”
“It’s okay,” I noted, shrugging the collision off.
“What are you doing here?” Trevor asked, sliding his phone into the back pocket of his jeans before ushering me to the far side of the hallway so we wouldn’t be in anyone’s way.
“I was leaving from visiting my dad.”
“You were?” he asked, staring at me as if he wasn’t sure who I was, or as if I’d suddenly started speaking a foreign language.
“Yes, I did.”
“How did that go?” Trevor inquired, with a look of concern etched on his face as he folded his arms across his chest.
Trevor was well aware of the dysfunctional dynamics which had always been present between my dad and I, so his manner was no surprise to me.
“It went well actually. I can’t say that I’m daddy’s little girl, but I understand there are reasons behind him being the person he was. I never realized his habit has been a coping mechanism for him all these years.”
“Are you willing to accept whatever reasoning he gave you for his ways and how he treated you?”
“To be honest with you, I don’t know. What I can say is, I won’t go out of my way to avoid him, but I still need for him to show me change. I made it clear that if he wants a relationship with me, he needs to act like it and drinking and driving is not his way to act like it.”
“Does this mean you’ll start taking the boys around him?”
Thinking about his question, I reflected on the conversation I had with my dad.
I could agree that grandparents played an important role in your life, especially during the childhood stage, but Egypt and Tyger didn’t have a shortage on grandparents because they had Trevor’s parents who they loved, and they had my mama.
Keeping away one alcoholic grandfather was something Trevor and I agreed on because what good would his presence do them if he was always under the influence?
In my opinion, the only thing he could give them was a good laugh at his expense.
There’s nobody who can make you laugh more than a drunk or a crackhead.
“If I see a consistent change in him, then I’ll think about it,” I concluded. “If the time comes, we’ll sit down and figure out what’s best for the boys.”
“Got it,” he stated with a nod of approval.
“You know what I’m doing here, but what are you doing here?”
“Oh, yeah,” he stated, looking down to the ground, stroking the waves which adorned his head. “I was here to see Vivian… She had a miscarriage,” he informed me, making my heart instantly break for him.
Without giving it a second thought, I stepped in and embraced him in a hug.
The moment instantly brought to memory the miscarriage Trevor and I suffered.
It wasn’t long after I had Egypt that we got pregnant again.
In fact, it was at my eight-week checkup, where I thought my doctor was going to release me to go back to work that she informed me there was another baby in there.
Three weeks later, we miscarried. It wasn’t something I opened up about or truly healed from, and aside from Trevor, Tara was the only person to know about the angel baby I carried in my heart.
“How is she doing? Are you okay? Do either of y’all need anything?’
“She’s doing good, and I’m doing great,” he answered, causing me to take a step back. “I’m not saying it like that… Well, I am saying it like that. The baby wasn’t mine. I was only here to check on her as a friend. As luck would have it, she couldn’t get ahold of the baby’s father, so—”
“I don’t mean to cut you off, but I have enough on my plate.
I cannot deal with anything else. If you like whatever the hell it is the two of you have going on, then I love it.
I’m going to stay in my lane and let y’all have yours.
If I see something else suspicious, you do not have to worry about me saying a thing,” I stated, motioning the gesture of zipping my mouth shut, locking it, and throwing away the key.
“Eva, we broke up. I took into consideration what you said, and you were right. I do deserve better, but you know the kind of man I am. I would never turn my back on someone I love when they need me, and Vivian needs me right now, and as a friend, I’ll be present for her.”
“Thank God for that,” I said, inhaling a breath of relief, making him laugh. “You really are a good man, Trevor, and when the right woman comes along, you’ll know it because she’ll treat you like no other woman has.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Name a time where I was wrong,” I lectured, giving him a knowing look, daring him to say anything aside from my truth.
“I’m not going to go there with you, Eva.”
“That’s a wise decision.”
We continued our conversation as we exited the hospital, and on our way out of the parking garage, I saw Zeke’s cousin Zuri walking in the opposite direction, going into the hospital.
She glanced over at me with a smile but kept her space.
I had to guess it was because she didn’t want to interrupt.
She was a sweet girl, so I knew it was nothing more than not wanting to impose.
“Hey, Zuri!” I called out, waving her over to us.
Zuri was dressed in a pair of scrubs, and I remembered Zeke telling me she was a labor and delivery nurse at the hospital.
Embracing her in a quick hug, I asked her how she was doing and the entire time I was making pleasantries, her eyes were locked on Trevor.
I recognized the look in her eyes all too well because it was the same way I looked at Zeke every time he was in my presence. It was obvious Zuri liked what she saw, and from the glow in Trevor’s eyes, the interest was mutual.
“Where are my manners? Zuri, this is my son’s dad, Trevor. Trevor, this is my boyfriend’s cousin, Zuri.”
Though Trevor and Zeke hadn’t met each other yet, Trevor was well aware I had someone special in my life, and he knew I wanted the two of them to meet because I wanted to introduce Zeke to our sons.
“Nice to meet you,” they simultaneously said, wearing matching flirtatiously ecstatic smiles.
“Zuri, I believe you’re single, aren’t you? If you are, you have at least one thing in common with Trevor… Well, I’ll see the two of you later.”
Quickly walking off from the brewing love connection, I felt as if I had done a good deed.
Making it to my car, I started it up and headed out of the parking garage.
When I made it back down to the level I had left Trevor and Zuri on, he had her rhinestone covered phone case in his hand, more than likely putting his number in her phone, while she had his plain black phone in her hands doing the same. I could do nothing but smile.
When I told Trevor he was a great man who deserved a woman to love him, I meant it. Regardless of us not working out, I wanted him to be happy.
If he was happy in his personal life, he would be able to continue to be the man and father our sons needed.
If I could make the introduction between him and a woman capable of making him happy, I would do just that. I was far from a bitter baby mama, and if they worked out, I fully expected for them to give me a public thank you at their wedding.
Today is turning out to be a good day after all.