Chapter Twenty-Eight
Alfie
Fuck me sideways, I don’t think I’ve ever been so hungover.
I woke up on my couch about twenty minutes ago, and I have yet to find the courage to move.
My head is halfway hanging off the edge, and I’m afraid that any sudden movement may induce a stomach revolt whereby all the whiskey I drank last night makes a sudden reappearance.
I bravely glance at the bottle. Yep, only a third left from a fresh bottle.
I was trying to do some real damage, and it looks like I succeeded.
I need to get my head on straight and find out what happened last night.
I know Helen is in the hospital. I should have gone to see her yesterday.
She is my patient still, even if she was ready to finish up.
Now more than ever, she’ll need me. I hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary in our session, only that she was happy to be moving on.
And that is the price that someone else will pay for my negligence.
I push my fingers through my hair, testing out a small amount of movement whilst I rack my brain for our last conversation.
I don’t think I’ll be needing regular sessions anymore.
Was her blatant happiness a cry for help that I missed?
It wouldn’t be the first time that a patient had tried to tie up loose ends before attempting or succeeding at ending their own life.
Often, they’ll be extra happy for those around them, as if to prove that nothing is wrong so no one will stand in their way.
I slide my head so it’s fully on the couch now, and I can feel my blood sloshing around, no longer arguing with the gravitational pull that my dumb ass attempted to defy.
I reach around for my phone, tapping my pockets until I spot it on the coffee table. I reach over and see three missed calls from Mia, two from Caleb and a series of messages in the Dinner Club group chat that I’m not ready to see.
I need to call Mia, apologize for leaving last night and explain that I’m going to need to take a step back from what we’re doing.
I’m obsessed, too involved. We’ve only been together a matter of weeks, months really, but it’s too distracting.
My work is going to suffer, and I can’t do that to the patients.
They deserve my everything. I’m not going to be like my father, half-assing a relationship and being an absentee father. I refuse to continue that legacy.
But first, a coffee, and then a shower, and then whatever else I can do to make myself feel less shitty and more presentable.
A pounding noise comes from the front door. Fuck me. The cavalry is here.
It continues relentlessly until I swing open the door. Caleb, Lottie, Jonesy, and Katie push their way through, all eyeing me furiously except for Katie, who looks plain disgusted.
“I might throw up, so let’s please get this over with quickly so I can go and apologize to my girlfriend,” I say, rubbing my hands over my face.
“What girlfriend?”
“Very funny, Lottie, everyone knows we’re dating for real now,” I say, slumping back down into the couch.
“Alfie, you broke up with Mia last night.”
What?
No, that’s not possible. I left Lottie’s and came straight here.
Katie continues. “She texted us last night to let us know. She came by to check on you because she knew you were upset.” She eyes me up and down as she leans back against Jonesy.
He’s scowling at me but softens the moment she leans in, his arm resting on the back of the couch just as he had yesterday.
His fingertips play with the ends of her hair.
“That’s not possible. I’m alone here, and I was drinking.”
“Blackout out I reckon.” Caleb tuts as if he’s never gone on a whiskey rampage.
I rack my brain, desperate for any hint of what happened. But nothing—I was so lost, I have nothing to go on. No idea what I said.
“Is she at home?”
“We tried knocking before we came here, but there was no answer.”
I nod. “I need to go to the hospital to check on Helen.”
“That’s what I was trying to call you about,” Caleb chimes in.
“Helen fainted when she found out her shithead ex-husband had been stabbed and killed in prison. She had been on a brunch with some girlfriends and was tipsy. She hit her head, and that combined with the alcohol she’d drunk, she was talking some shit.
Given that you were on her medical record, the EMT thought she’d tried to hurt herself.
That’s why they called me. Once she sobered up and slept off the alcohol, it was clear she was just in shock.
Her new boyfriend came to pick her up. She’s fine, Alfie. ”
She’s fine.
I hadn’t missed anything.
Fuck.
I’m relieved, of course. But the dread building in my chest starts to lodge around my throat. I may not have got it wrong about Helen, but I’ve clearly seriously fucked things up with Mia. And if she’s not at home, where is she?
“Can you text her and ask where she is?”
They know I’m talking about Mia, so they don’t bother asking who I mean. “We already did, Alf. She’s not replying.”
“Call her, please. I’ll do anything.”
Katie rolls her eyes, but Lottie calls. After thirty seconds or so, she shakes her head.
“Fuck,” I spit, pulling off my glasses so I can pinch the bridge of my nose.
“Time for a shower, bud. We’ll put the coffee on whilst you get cleaned up,” Jonesy says after prying himself away from Katie. He slaps me on the shoulder, like you would slap the backside of a horse to get them moving.
The water spits on my skin like hot needles.
I hang my head low under the spray as I brace my hands on my knees.
Maybe I’m just keeling over because if I stand up straight I’ll pass out.
Either way, the scent of shower gel revives me a little and frees up some space for some introspection.
Flashes of Mia in my living room fight for dominance in my mind but I can’t hear her.
Her lips are moving, her eyebrows pinched, her eyes welling with tears.
I fucking did that to her. On her special night, I made her feel like shit.
I need to talk to her and make this right.
Tell her I’m sorry, beg for forgiveness.
Because even though I need to recalibrate, I don’t want to hurt her, and I definitely don’t want to lose her.
Once I’m out of the shower, the smell of coffee fills my house.
The living room has been cleaned up, and it’s obvious someone has spritzed some air freshener around.
I can’t tell if letting me linger in my own pathetic self-loathing would have been a punishment, or making me face the day will be worse.
They usher me around the kitchen, fawning over me like I’m the victim and not the one who did the damage. I need to call Mia. I need her to know that I didn’t mean whatever I said last night. I wish I could remember.
Once I’ve had two cups of coffee and some toast, I’m ready to visit Helen.
Before I do, I walk the few hundred yards to Mia’s house and knock on the door.
I try to smooth down the sweater I’m wearing, pushing my glasses back up the bridge of my nose.
The house is dark, the curtains drawn. There’s no answer, just as I’d thought.
I can’t imagine she’ll want to talk to me anytime soon, but I will make this right.
The thought of leaving her a note crops up, but after the notes she received from Nate, I can’t imagine that would help my cause, so I don’t. I send her a text instead.
Alfie: I can’t even imagine what I put you through last night. I’m sorry and I want to talk to you whenever you’re ready. I want to make this right, Mia. I’m so sorry.
I steel myself, taking a deep breath, and meet Caleb in the car. Given how much I drank last night, I wouldn’t feel safe getting behind the wheel, but he offered to come with me to see how Helen is getting on.
◆◆◆
“Oh, you look as good as me.” Helen laughs, ushering us in. Her boyfriend is by her side, a steady palm on her shoulder, smiling politely.
I wince at my lack of professionalism. I’ve done house calls before, of course, but never hungover.
The pink house is mostly painted white on the inside.
It kind of seems like a blank canvas, and by the time I am ushered into the living room, I can see why.
A collage of artwork adorns the far wall, above a royal blue velvet couch, a pair of cowboy boots sit next to a pile of books with half naked men on the covers.
“I change the posters as and when I feel like.” Helen smiles, watching me assess the art.
“Change with the seasons?”
“Something like that. I just love them all. I couldn’t imagine having only one thing up there.”
“It’s very you.” I smile as warmly as possible whilst looking at the nasty cut on her forehead.
“I’ll make everyone a cup of tea,” her boyfriend Andrew chirps before heading into the kitchen.
Caleb leans against the arched entryway, his arms folded across his chest.
We sit on the sofa quietly until Andrew hands us all a unique cup and saucer. I take a sip and think of my mother and the tea she always makes me when I come to visit. What would she think of me now?
Caleb and Andrew head to the garden to admire the plants that Helen has been growing and leave us alone.
“I’m alright, Dr. Adams, I promise.” She smiles. “It was just a shock, that’s all.”
Given that Helen isn’t really a patient anymore, I decide to be honest. “When I got the call, I thought I’d missed something from our last session. That maybe you were saying goodbye in a way that wouldn’t make me think you were…that you were tying up loose ends.”
“Alfie,” she places a warm hand on mine, “is this why you look like crap?” She smiles, her eyes crinkling at the edges.
“Partly,” I admit.
“Mmhmm. I reckon you’ve gone and done something stupid.”
“I reckon I have,” I mumble into my teacup.
“Well, I’m all okay here. I’ve got Andy looking after me. But who is looking after you?”
Me?
I frown, and she laughs, rolling her eyes.