Chapter 42
brIELLE
I assumed my brother would find me first. It’s Kellan instead.
My skin has a chill as I sit on the edge of the pool, kicking my feet in the warmed water. The colourful lights from the inside walls dance up my shins and flash across my knees as I tip my head back and stare at the sky. Dark and empty, it looks back.
“Your brother has a habit of one-upping me.”
I peer over my shoulder and have to crane my neck to meet his dark blue stare. It’s warm, teasing as it does a quick, innocent sweep over me. He’s shirtless, wearing only swim trunks, but I don’t even glance at the torso that I know has so many muscles it’s almost a bit scary.
“Don’t be jealous, K. It’s only a pool.”
He uses his chin to point to the green space across the pool. “There’s golf.”
“It’s only one hole,” I offer, hating how dull my voice sounds.
“More than my backyard has. Now I’ve got to add two holes just to get even.”
I wade my feet in the water, staring down at the lights reflecting off my white-painted toes. “Three would be smarter. You know the moment you add a second one that Wes will jump for a third.”
“As if he needs anything else. This house is ridiculous. I got lost on my way to the bathroom the last time I was here.”
“Well, that’s fifteen million dollars for you. Ask him to make you a map.”
With a grunt, he lowers himself to the ground beside me and dunks his feet into the water. The heat from his naked torso hits me, soothing some of the chill. My bathing suit cover-up is on the lounger behind me, but I make no move for it. Not yet.
“What are you doing out here?” he asks, voice soft.
“Avoiding Wes. You?”
“My brother’s here.”
I gape slightly. “You have a brother?”
“Surprise!” he announces, hands dancing in front of him before they fall to the stone pad around us. “Unlike yours, mine doesn’t let me avoid him.”
“How did you manage to keep that a secret? You’ve never mentioned him before. Do I know who he is?” I pause before scowling. “And Wes isn’t letting me do anything. He’s too busy playing king of the castle to search for me.”
He laughs gruffly. “That was on purpose, Elle. I’m more surprised that he heard about the party tonight and came at the risk of getting tossed out on his ass. Clearly, he’s flown under the radar.”
“Why didn’t you kick him out?”
“He’s my brother. I’ll let someone else do it. It won’t be long now, I’m sure. He’ll be boasting about hockey any minute.”
My brows climb my forehead. “Liking hockey isn’t entirely a death sentence.”
“It is when he plays professionally.”
“You let an NHL player into my brother’s house?” I laugh, unable to hold it in.
“I didn’t let him do anything; he snuck his way in like a snake. Someone will give him a swift kick out the door soon enough.”
I shrug, falling back into my head. It’s impossible to stay distracted tonight.
My phone hasn’t buzzed in a while now, which means Roman’s stopped calling.
Probably given up already. Why wouldn’t he?
I’ve shut that door, and instead of talking things through like an adult, I’ve been hiding behind it, too embarrassed to do much else.
Embarrassed. Yeah, sounds about right.
“Can I ask you something? You can’t bring it up to anyone else. Especially my brother.”
“Does it relate to why you’re out here hiding from everyone?”
I roll my eyes. “Just say yes.”
“Yes, Brielle. My lips are zipped.”
Staring at the still, calm water, I lower my voice. “Have you ever kept something hidden from a person you care about because you were scared that you’d lose them if they knew?”
Kellan takes so long to answer that I almost tell him to forget it. My skin crawls with discomfort before he clears his throat.
“Yes. Why?”
I shake my head and palm my bare thighs, gently squeezing them. “I kept a secret from someone, and I’ve spent weeks beating myself up for it and debating how to tell them the truth. But it turns out they knew the entire time.”
“Isn’t that good, then? That lets you off the hook.”
“It isn’t that simple.”
He knocks his knee against mine, encouraging me to look at him.
I do and immediately feel a burn behind my eyes.
The blunt care that fills his features is too much for my heart to handle right now.
Kellan and I aren’t even close by any means, but he’s still family. The same way Finn, Jett, and Beck are.
From the moment I met these guys, I knew they’d become my brothers. Wes is the reason I have these men in my life and why I found Aubrey, the sister that I wish I’d known long before we met. The stubborn little shit gave me a family, and I hate him for that right now as much as I love him for it.
Kellan’s voice shifts slightly, becoming firmer, demanding. “Tell me what’s going on, Elle. I know you usually talk this shit out with Beck, but he’s sloshed and doing who knows what. I promise that I can keep a secret better than he can.”
“Leave it to you to turn it into a competition,” I choke.
He drops a hand behind him and leans back a bit as his attention stays fixed on me, waiting.
“I swear, Kellan, you can’t tell anyone. Especially Wes.”
“You’ve got my word.”
“Fuck.” I close my eyes for a second before opening them and staring out at the view of the ocean and the thousands of twinkling lights of the city. “Okay. I’m—”
There’s a pointed cough behind us. I immediately bite my tongue, feeling naked and exposed with this explanation half a second from escaping me. Kellan moves first, twisting to look at who interrupted us.
When he turns back around and drops a heavy hand to mine, I find his waiting eyes. They’re sparkling with knowledge, which only confuses me. He’s parted his lips to speak when the person behind us does first, sending the hair on my arms standing tall.
“Am I interrupting?”
Kellan pats my hand before removing it entirely. “Not at all, Coach. I was just leaving.”
“No, you weren’t,” I squeak, suddenly desperate to have him stay, if only to give me more time to avoid what’s coming. “Our conversation wasn’t finished.”
There’s a gentleness to his expression now as he lowers his voice, letting it fall to a murmur. “Don’t let a secret ruin your happiness, Elle. You’ll only regret it.”
With those parting words, he pushes himself off the stone pad wrapping around the pool and ruffles my hair before leaving. I can’t get myself to turn around to watch him. Instead, I keep my focus on the city lights.
“If you wanted to come tonight, I’d have joined you instead of driving separately,” Roman grouses behind me.
“I didn’t invite you for a reason.”
“Is that the same one behind your lack of responses, as well?”
I shift my hands to the cool edge of the pool on either side of my thighs. “You’re not supposed to be here.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Does it matter?”
His footsteps are near silent in the thick grass. His shoes settle beside my thighs, and I grit my jaw, refusing to give in and look up at him.
“Yes, it matters. Look at me, Brielle. Tell me what I did so I can fix it. That’s why I’m here. For you. Not all of this.”
A wave of emotion crashes over me, pulling me too deep beneath its surface.
“I debated telling you so many times. But I thought that if I did, you’d look at me differently.
That if I was honest with you about absolutely everything, you’d see the entire picture and decide it wasn’t as beautiful as you’d thought. ”
“What are you talking about?” He drops to a crouch, and I turn my head away from him, lip wobbling. “Look at me, baby. Where is this coming from?”
I fight against the knuckle grazing my chin, attempting to turn my face. “How long have you known who I am?”
His lack of reply confirms everything I’ve spent hours stewing over, struggling to digest.
“Is that why you agreed to sleep with me? Because you already knew what I liked? Was it a power thing?” I attack, scrambling to my feet. The space between us allows me to take a breath, albeit raggedly. “You paid me! You’d paid me, Roman. I may as well be your sugar baby!”
“Brielle,” he snaps, voice hard, demanding in the way that curls my toes whether I want them to or not. “You know that’s all bullshit. Don’t tell me you’re still unaware of how I feel about you.”
“If you cared about me at all, you wouldn’t have kept that a secret. I feel dirty.”
“I didn’t want you to start thinking these things.
If I’d told you, you would have immediately assumed that I only pursued you because of what had happened online, and that’s so fucking far from the truth.
I realized who you were and tried to ignore you!
To keep myself at a distance. You wouldn’t let me. ”
Anger pulses through me, encouraging me to speak without thinking. Its song swirls in my ears, drawing me into the flames.
“So it’s my fault? I pursued you, right? I’m the one who couldn’t take the hint and just had to keep pushing.”
His face crumples, pain glowing in his eyes. “That’s not what I meant. I don’t regret anything that happened with you. Not a damn thing.”
“I feel dirty,” I repeat, my vision blurring with tears.
“You’re not. You’re—fuck, Brielle. I don’t care what happened before.
It doesn’t matter to me. Not when I have you now.
Who you are on that site and what you do there doesn’t matter to me.
I haven’t thought about that video in weeks.
The moment I realized who you were, I deleted my account and never checked it again.
It wasn’t right to watch you like that afterward.
As far as I’m concerned, the Brielle in front of me is the only one who matters. ”
“You don’t care that I still record myself like that? That other men have seen what I look like beneath my clothes or have heard the sounds I make when I come? That I’ve sent them videos similar to the one I sent you? Taken their money?”
The words are venomous. And they’re lies. Cruel words spewing from my lips in an attempt to distract myself from the disgust spreading through my veins like poison. The regret and shame.
I haven’t taken a video like that since the one I sent to him. There have been no uploads at all for weeks. Not since our first night together. Not even when I tried to record something only minutes before he showed up at my place with groceries and plans for a cooking lesson.
I sat down in my chair and froze. My stomach churned, and I sank to my knees in front of the toilet because for a few moments, I thought I’d throw up solely from the idea of having someone else see what I only wanted Roman to.
Crushedvelvet has all but disappeared because I’m in love with a man who fulfills me more than any sum of money or compliment from a stranger online.
But he knew.
He didn’t tell me.
There’s no disguising the rabid pulsing in his jaw as anything but jealousy.
It has the opposite impact on me than I was hoping.
Instead of being annoyed that he’s daring to feel like that, I feel my heart soften and ache for him.
I feel raw, naked as I stand here in front of him in nothing but a white bikini and tears cooling my cheeks.
“As long as I was the only one who you put your hands on, I’d live with it.
You don’t need approval from anyone to do anything, Brielle.
I don’t give a fuck if it’s something I’ll have to come to terms with because I want you, and that’s all that matters.
You’re here.” He jabs his finger into his chest. “There’s no being without you anymore.
If you want to hate me for this, then you can hate me.
I’ll love you loud enough that it won’t matter.
Shove me away, curse me out, tell me I’m a selfish piece of shit.
It. Doesn’t. Matter. The only way you’re going to rid yourself of me is if you explicitly tell me to go.
Tell me you want me gone and that you’ll never forgive me.
Shove me off your brother’s property, and I’ll let you go. ”
He takes steady, wide steps toward me. The distance I put there disappears in a blink, and my feet stick to the ground, unable to find me more.
His eyes are narrowed as they cling to my face, demanding and claiming the piece of me that I tried to tuck away, to hide out of fear that they’ll jump back into his hands.
I choke on a whine when his fingers glide up my waist and dig firmly into the bare skin beneath my bikini top. His closeness makes my head swirl and cloud. I stick my hand out to push him away but leave it against his chest, riding the rapid rise and fall as he breathes.
Tears cling to my lashes as he drops his head and brings our brows together, inhaling slowly. “Say it, baby. Tell me to go. Because if you don’t, I’m going to stay here forever.”
“I love you, Roman,” I start, finally speaking the emotions that I’ve felt for so, so long now. “But I need space.”
His grip grows desperate, the press of his fingers clinging tighter, but not painful. Never painful. “How much.”
It’s not a question.
“I need to talk to Wes. About a lot of things. I need to . . . To come to terms with this.”
“The team leaves tomorrow night. I’ll be with them.”
“I know.”
“Five days, Brielle. I’ll be gone for five days, and when I get home, we’re going to talk about this. We’re going to work through it.”
“Unless I tell you to go?”
He grows so tense it must be painful. “Yes.”
“Okay,” I whisper. “Five days.”
I agree to the timeline, even if the thought of five days away from him might kill me. I’ll take those days because without them, I don’t know if I’d do what’s best for me.
Not when every piece of my soul is telling me to go home with him right now.