chapter 41
Remi
IT FEELS GOOD TO BE home, back in my space and my bed.
But it doesn’t feel the way it used to. There’s an emptiness to it now that used to feel full, a quietness that I never used to notice but that has become impossible to ignore.
It’s not the space, really, but the absence of Sebastian within it.
And even though he’s just a text or a phone call away, I still feel the gap between us, the desire to be able to touch him, to smell him, to watch the way he moves through rooms and see the way sunsets are reflected in his eyes.
Vegas is different without him. I’m different without him.
There’s a knock on my door, and I pull myself out of my thoughts and go to answer it.
When I peer through the peephole, I find my sister standing on the other side, arms loaded with two bags overflowing with junk food, a big floppy bun pulled up onto the top of her head.
A smile tugs on my lips as I unlock the door and swing it open.
“Riley,” I say, tipping my head at her, one hand perched on my hip. “What are you doing here?”
She holds up the bags. “We’re having a sleepover.”
“A sleepover? You know I just got back from Cali, right?”
“Yup.” Grinning, she bumps her way past me, wriggling into the condo. “That’s why I’m here. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
I’m tired and gloomy and not really in the mood for a sleepover, but maybe that’s the exact reason I need one.
Sometimes, I think Riley might know me better than I know myself.
So, with a smile and a shake of my head, I close and lock my door, then go to join her in the kitchen as she unloads the bags onto the counter.
Later that evening, Riley and I are lounging on the couch together, Gilmore Girls playing on the TV in my living room. We’ve got face masks on, and our hair is pulled up in buns, coconut oil soaking into it. Whenever we have sleepovers like this, they always turn into mini pampering sessions.
Riley is barely paying attention to the show. She’s turned toward me on the couch, one leg pulled up to her chest, her eyes focused on me. She’s wearing the T-shirt that Seb got the guys to sign for her, cozied up in the soft cotton as she stares at me from the other end of the couch.
“So,” she says, and there’s a forced casualness to her tone that I know means she’s about to pry, “how was Cali?”
Just because I know it’ll annoy her, I shrug one shoulder casually and say, “Good.” Then I sip my sparkling water—which I now can’t drink without thinking of Seb—and turn my gaze back to the TV.
Like I expected, Riley lets out a sharp breath of annoyance, then jabs me in the thigh with her toes.
“Rem, come on. You’re literally dating a rock star and just spent a whole weekend with him and his band.
You’ve got to give me more than that. Please?
” She jabs me with her toes again, being the absolute nuisance that little sisters can be. “Please, please, please, ple—”
“Jeez, okay!” I bat her foot away with one hand, trying to feign annoyance, but my smile betrays me. Riley grins as I grab the remote control and turn the volume down on the TV. Then I wiggle around on the couch to face her fully. “What do you want to know?”
I swear her eyes start to sparkle. “Everything.”
So, I tell her everything—minus the sexy stuff. Riley listens to me with rapt attention, her blue-gray eyes accentuated by the green face mask smudged around them.
“I can’t believe you actually got to meet LGC,” she says, a wistful tone to her voice. “What were they like? What was Lucas like?”
Lucas has always been Riley’s favorite. She used to have posters of him on her bedroom walls. In fact, I think she only took them down a year or so ago, when she got her first high school boyfriend and didn’t want him to see how obsessed she was with LGC’s rhythm guitarist.
“He’s . . . moody,” I say, remembering that night at Dex and Nora’s house.
I didn’t spend any time with him apart from that evening.
Taking a handful of popcorn from the bowl perched on the couch between us, I toss it into my mouth and chew thoughtfully for a moment, then say, “I think he’s going through a breakup.
I didn’t talk to him much though. He was really quiet. ”
“A breakup?” Riley perks up on the couch, eyes going wide.
Immediately, I give her a firm look and say, “No.”
She pouts. “But wouldn’t it be cool to date guys from the same band?”
“No,” I say again.
The idea of my little sister dating Lucas Moore makes me want to break out in a cold sweat. I got the feeling that he was on a downward spiral, heading somewhere bad fast, and she definitely needs to stay away from that.
“Ugh, fine.” She throws herself back on the couch, sighing and pouting in that way that only teenagers can. Then she lights up again. “Would you ever move there? To be with Sebastian?”
The question catches me so off guard that for a moment, I can only blink at her.
She rolls her eyes at me. “Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.”
I have, though just a little, because every time the idea occurs to me, I shut it down immediately. It feels tempting in a way that’s dangerous, in a way that could flip my whole world upside down. And I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.
“I can’t,” I say, shaking my head. “My whole life is here. And I’m still saving money for your tuition, Ri.”
Riley’s expression softens. She lets out a small breath, then wriggles her toes toward me on the couch, snuggling them up under my thigh, like she’s done since she was little and we used to share a bed. “You know you don’t have to do that, right? I can work, Rem, just like you.”
Before I can jump in, she holds up a hand, halting the words that were about to leave my lips.
“Not stripping. I mean a job. I’m going to find a job once I’m in Cali. You don’t have to put your life on hold for me.”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I say.
Riley narrows her eyes at me, one brow arching, unconvinced.
Is that what I’m doing?
I think back to my conversation with Seb, when he asked me if I’d ever want kids, and I told him I wanted to just be for a while, to let life carry me. Is that because I feel like my life is on pause right now, with the money for Riley’s tuition taking up all my focus?
Riley sighs, then scoots around on the couch, spilling the popcorn bowl as she nestles up beside me, her chin finding the space alongside my neck. “I really appreciate what you’re doing for me,” she says, voice gone low and serious. “And Mom and Dad do too, even if it’s hard for them to say it.”
That makes my lips lift in the corners.
“But I don’t want to hold you back. You made your own way in life, and I can do the same.” Riley leans back and looks up at me. “Okay?”
I’m not sure how to feel, don’t really know what to say. If Riley didn’t need me anymore, what would I do?
Where would I go?
In my mind, I see sandy beaches and palm trees swaying in the wind. I think of that little restaurant on the pier that Seb took me to, the ease with which I seemed to fit into his friend group.
If I wasn’t needed here, would I have the guts to leave?
I don’t have the answers to any of these questions, but now that Riley has put them there, I have a feeling they’re not going to leave me alone.
But I’m tired, and I need to wash my face mask off, and Riley’s elbow is digging into my ribs right now.
“Off,” I tell her, pushing her up with a halfhearted groan. “And pick up the popcorn. It’s all over the couch cushions.”
Riley groans. “You’re just like Mom,” she mumbles.
I smile as I get to my feet. She starts to pick up the spilled popcorn kernels, and I watch her for a moment, thinking of her when she was young, remembering growing up together.
I’ve always been her older sister, her protector.
And I took on the burden of her tuition without anyone asking me to; it just felt like the right thing to do.
I want to help her. I’ll always want to help her.
But does that mean putting my life on pause? Spending the next four years dancing at Caliber to make sure she doesn’t get crushed by student loan debt?
I’m chewing my lip when Riley glances up at me, the bowl of popcorn held in her hand.
She pushes to her feet, and as she pads back into my kitchen, she says softly over her shoulder, “And I’d be in Cali too.
Maybe we could move there together . . .
” There’s a softness to her tone, like she’s voicing something she’s thought of but hasn’t dared say aloud.
“At least then I wouldn’t be so nervous. ”
The two of us, in California together, her at Caltech, me with Seb. Suddenly, I’m remembering that space for rent, the spot on the corner that would’ve made such an amazing pole studio.
I see the lighting, the gauzy curtains, the way the poles would gleam as they spin. Music. Students smiling. Maybe even my own personal supply of that mango-pineapple juice Seb bought for me.
But what if things don’t work out with Seb? What if I throw away everything I’ve worked so hard for just to chase a dream that might never come true?
That would crush me.
So I smother the little ember of excitement, push it down, then walk to the bathroom to rinse the sticky green mask from my face. And I try not to wonder what Seb’s doing right now, because it only serves to make me miss him—and Cali—even more.