17. Tessa
Chapter seventeen
Tessa
I knew this was coming. I knew there was no way we could begin a relationship without him knowing about this piece of me—the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced.
Part of me is kind of surprised it took him until now to ask.
I figured once he met Jake, he would’ve been curious enough to ask what my story was right away.
I’m honestly not sure which would be better: telling him right away or waiting until things have gotten serious.
I’m not worried about him walking away, at least not yet.
He knows I’m a mom, and he’s still here.
He’s still pursuing me, and I don’t think he would be if he weren’t at least interested in seeing where things go.
He doesn’t seem like the type of person to lead someone on, but then again, I’m only basing that on one amazing night of sex and the few interactions we’ve had.
Logan is as flirty as they come, and he knows exactly how handsome he is, even if he isn’t cocky about it.
For all I know, he could simply be trying to get another night out of me.
But that’s my pessimistic side talking. In truth, he hasn’t done anything to make me feel like his intentions aren’t sincere.
And if that’s the case, I owe him this. He deserves to know what exactly he’s getting himself into.
“Jake has never met his dad.” I don’t know why those are the first words to fly out of my mouth, and my stomach twists with the way they burst free.
I knew we would have this conversation eventually.
I should’ve sat down with a piece of paper and taken the time to figure out what exactly I wanted to say.
To get my thoughts and feelings in order before everything comes tumbling out of me in a giant, incoherent mess.
“I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after he died. We’d been trying for a little while,” I murmur, my cheeks burning with the simple admission.
He remains quiet and steady beside me as his thumb strokes across the back of my hand in soft, soothing motions. He’s not rushing to speak or offer his condolences. Instead, he’s giving me space to breathe, to try and compose my thoughts.
I can’t remember the last time I talked to anyone about this.
“The night of the accident… I had a feeling. My period was a little late, and I’d been more tired than usual.
Ryan had to work, so I made a plan to tell him over dinner.
I had already bought several tests, but I wanted to wait and take them when he was home.
” My voice cracks with the last few words as pressure begins to press on my chest and builds behind my eyes, tears rising to the surface.
One slips free, and I quickly reach up to wipe it away.
It has been just over six years since I lost him, but talking about him like this always brings the heartache to the surface. Ryan never came home.
With a shuddering breath, I continue. “He called and said that he would be home late. They’d gotten a call about someone out on Willowbend Bridge, and he and his partner were the closest to it at the time.
When Zack showed up hours later in the middle of the night, I knew.
” A few more tears roll down my cheeks, and I lift my hand to wipe them away, but Logan beats me to it.
His fingertips are gentle across my cheek as he wipes away the escaped tears. Curling his arm around my shoulders, he pulls my body into his side, holding me close as a gentle sob works its way out of my chest. “I’ve got you, Tess,” he says, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of my head.
Why is this hitting me so hard? It’s been years, and this isn’t the first time I’ve had this conversation. But it is the first time I’ve told it to a man I’m interested in romantically.
“It was the one thing that Ryan had always instilled in me. If he was ever at work, and another officer showed up at our door, something had gone wrong.” I can feel his head nod against mine, his hand rubbing soothing strokes up and down my bicep.
His voice is low as he says, “We’re the same way.” He clears his throat. “I mean, I’ve had friends say they tell their families and spouses something similar.”
I hate that. I hate that something bad happening is common enough among both lines of work that those who do the job have a saying they all teach to their families.
Being a small town, I thought Hartridge would somehow be different. I thought maybe those tragedies wouldn’t happen to the people who live here, but I was wrong. Tragedy may not strike as often as it does in larger towns and cities, but it still happens. When it does, it’s all the more devastating.
His embrace is comforting, and despite the tears still sliding down my cheeks, it gives me the strength to keep going. He needs to hear the entire story to know exactly what he’s getting himself into with me.
“Ryan died trying to save someone who didn’t want to be saved,” I murmur.
“It wasn’t until weeks later, after his funeral service, that I finally found out I was pregnant.
In the back of my mind, I think I knew, but it didn’t matter.
I didn’t want to be a mom if it meant I would be doing it alone.
” My heart jolts in my chest with the admission.
Now, I couldn’t imagine my life without my son, but at the time, I was stuck in the pit of my depression, and I didn’t see a way out. “I know that sounds terrible,” I admit.
The warmth of his body disappears as his arm falls away and he turns to face me.
“It doesn’t sound terrible,” he insists.
“I can’t even imagine going through something like that.
There’s no guidebook on how to handle losing the person you love, and to go through that sort of grief while bringing a child into this world sounds damn near impossible.
But you did it, Tess. You fought your way back into the light. ”
It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders knowing that no matter where we go from here, he knows about my heart’s greatest ache.
“I know this is too much to dump on you for a first date,” I say, sniffling as I rub my fingers under my eyes to wipe away any remaining tears. “I understand if you want out.”
“It’s not too much, and I’m not going anywhere. I wouldn’t have asked what happened if I didn’t genuinely want to know the answer.” He reaches forward and tucks a few strands of my hair behind my ear. “I wanna know everything there is to know about you, the dark and the light.”
It’s everything I hoped he would say, yet I was preparing for the chance that he might walk away.
“Jake and I are a package deal.” He knows this, but I still feel the need to remind him. “I’m not ready for him to know I’m dating someone, and I’m not even sure he would understand what that means, but I still want him to get to know you. It’s important to me that he’s comfortable with you.”
A smile spreads across his lips as he says, “I’m all in if you are.”
The end of a date is always bittersweet.
The day has been everything I could’ve asked for and more, but I don’t want it to end.
If Liv wasn’t at my house, waiting for me to get home and relieve her of her honorary aunt duties, I could easily spend at least a few more hours with Logan.
Even if all we did was sit in his truck and talk, it would be worth it.
She has sent a few texts to check in and let me know they’re fine, but I don’t want to take advantage of her offer to watch Jake.
Though I’m sure Liv would probably tell me to take my time and have fun.
Music is playing low through the truck’s speakers as we make the drive back toward town.
Tall shade trees line either side of the road, and rays of golden afternoon light spill through the branches as a sense of peace washes over me.
I didn’t expect to have the “what happened” conversation today, but I’m glad we did.
Hearing him say he’s all in if I am settled something inside of me, like a puzzle piece was finally beginning to shift into place.
He reaches over and places one hand on my thigh while he drives, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Are you busy tomorrow?” he asks, glancing in my direction before he looks back at the road. “I’d really like to see you again.”
My heart kicks in my chest, flames dancing across my cheeks as I press my lips together and turn my head away from him. It takes mentally counting to ten before the heat subsides, and my gaze meets his. “You don’t have to work?” I ask.
“Twenty-four, fourty-eight.” He rattles the numbers off as though they should be enough of an answer.
A playful laugh escapes him when he takes in the confusion painted across my face.
“My schedule,” he clarifies. “I’ve got another day off before I have to be back at the station.
Unless a major call comes in that requires more than whoever is on duty, I’m free. ”
As much as I would love to spend tomorrow with him, I can’t ask Liv to watch my son again.
My parents would probably be more than happy to take him for the night, but then I would be subjecting myself to their interrogation.
Plus, the weekends are the only time I have to do something fun with my kid.
During the week, it’s all school and work.
“I’d love to, but I promised Jake we could do something fun tomorrow. Now that he’s in school, the weekends are all we have.”
He flips his hand over where it’s resting on my thigh, his palm facing up, and I slide my hand into his, our fingers intertwining. He gently squeezes my hand, the gesture oddly comforting. “If it’s not overstepping, I would love to spend the day with you two.”
“Are you sure? Have you been around many five-year-olds?”
He chuckles. “Not really. But like you said, you two are a package deal. I want to be with you, and that means getting to know him too.”
I don’t know if the buzzing in my stomach is from nerves or excitement. Probably a bit of both.
He’s got a point, though. If we’re dating, it only makes sense that he also gets to know the little boy who my world revolves around.
I’ve seen too many relationships where the child and step-parent don’t get along.
I can only imagine the kind of stress that would cause.
I don’t think I would ever be able to fully commit to someone unless I knew that my son would be safe and happy in their presence.
“Okay,” I murmur. “Let’s give it a shot. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”