Beth
Beth
It was insane to call Nick, but she hadn’t felt as though it was a choice. He was the only person she knew who didn’t really know Vaughan. Who wasn’t connected with him – with them both.
The only person she knew who was only connected to her.
It felt like the right thing to do, but even so, she was shocked when he said he would fly straight over. She thought he must have been joking, but he texted her a few hours later with the details of his flight.
She’s sitting in the hospital waiting room, alone, when Nick arrives eighteen hours later.
‘Oh my God,’ she says, burying her face in his jacket. She feels overcome with exhaustion, as though she would quite like to collapse against him and sleep for hours. ‘Thank you so much for coming. I know it’s ridiculous I just…’
‘It’s not ridiculous,’ he says, quietly. He kisses the top of her head. ‘It’s not ridiculous at all. How is he?’
Beth pulls back.
‘What happened to your nose?’
He blinks, shakes his head.
‘It doesn’t matter.’
She frowns. She knows what happened to his nose. She could tell Maggie was controlling from the first time they met. And later, in London, they all had an excruciating dinner together one night: her, Vaughan, Maggie and Nick. She had to excuse herself to go to the toilet halfway through, because she couldn’t stand the way Maggie was behaving: talking over Nick, telling him what to order, making jokes about his weight.
Beth was furious, but she couldn’t show it. She didn’t want Vaughan to think that she was upset because she was jealous.
She’s understood for a while that things were more sinister than she’d first suspected. That Maggie wasn’t just controlling, she was violent too. One night, Nick rang her, drunk and incomprehensible after Maggie had hit him, and Beth told him in no uncertain terms to leave her. But midway through their conversation, the phone cut out, and he didn’t pick up when she rang him back.
Since then, she’s been stuck over here, worrying about him, and on the few times they’ve seen each other since the wedding, he’s refused to talk about it. Of course. He doesn’t like to talk about anything that means anything.
‘It’s not important, Beth. How’s Vaughan?’
She folds into herself then, the guilt and fear overtaking her. How could this have happened?
‘I can’t…’ She starts to cry.
‘I know,’ he says, and he holds her tightly.
‘He’s alive. They’ve done a bypass surgery, whatever that means.’ The words lodge in her throat. ‘Something to increase the flow of blood around his heart. His father died of a heart attack when he was just fifty-eight. I was so scared…’
‘It’s OK,’ he says. ‘He’s built of tough stuff, isn’t he? You always say that.’
But she’s not listening.
‘But Nick… just last week I was planning…’
She pauses. Can she confess this to Nick? That she was going to leave Vaughan, that she’s been thinking about it for weeks now?
No. She’s too ashamed. She gulps air, disgusted with herself.
‘They keep saying he’s stable and they’re doing their best. I’ve only ever heard about people dying from heart attacks. I don’t know what happens if you have one and you don’t die.’
‘I don’t either,’ he says, sitting down next to her. ‘But I’m sure they’re right. I’m sure they are doing their best.’
‘We should never have moved here,’ she says, bitterly. ‘He’s always so stressed, so busy… He doesn’t look after himself… I knew it but I didn’t do anything about it. I should have told him to slow down, take some time out but he’s so driven… I thought it was a good thing but it’s not, is it? It’s really not.’
‘I don’t know, B. I really don’t.’
She pulls away from him slightly.
‘Are you OK?’
‘What? Yes. I’m fine. Fine.’
He’s not fine but he won’t tell her what’s really going on. He never does. She feels a rush of undirected anger – at what? She’s not sure. Everything.
‘Are you OK?’ he asks.
That question again.
The same answer: Not without you .
She shakes her head.
‘I really, really hate it here,’ she says, bitterly.
‘Everyone hates hospitals.’
‘No, not the hospital. I hate living in LA.’
‘Does it turn out that you’re not a surfer chick after all?’
She shakes her head, remembering the poster she had up in her university bedroom, the way he teased her about it. It’s a shock to hear him joke about that time. It makes her jealous that he can.
‘You go for meetings about projects and they’re held in these shiny skyscrapers and – no offence – it’s like walking into an investment bank, you feel like all the creativity and authenticity and… passion has been sucked dry. Everyone’s just in it to make money – they’re obsessed with money and how commercial things are, even if they’re utter crap. And I’m not thin enough, apparently, even though I’m a size 8 and I never eat because I’m so anxious and on edge all the time and basically I’m miserable and I want to come home.’
‘Come home then,’ he says.
She stares at him, starts to cry again. How did they end up like this? How did they both mess things up so spectacularly?
It strikes her that the anger she feels is directed at him. Deep down, will she always be angry with him for leaving her?
‘I can’t. I can’t leave Vaughan.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because…’ She pauses. Why can’t she leave Vaughan? Because she does love him. She really does. But is it enough? ‘Because it’s complicated.’
‘Not while he’s lying in a hospital bed,’ Nick says. ‘I’m not a complete bastard.’
They fall into silence and she turns her hands over in her lap.
‘I’m leaving Maggie,’ he says, eventually. ‘I was fired yesterday. I was actually leaving the office for the last time when you rang, and I went home and packed a bag and went straight to the airport. I haven’t even told her.’
‘Oh.’
She can’t process this information. It’s too much. The last few days have been too much.
Bad things always seem to happen at this time of year. She wishes she could fast-forward through November and go straight to Christmas.
‘Sorry, I know, you have enough of your own stuff to deal with. I’m only telling you in case… in case it makes you feel better.’
‘Do you think this is what we deserve?’ she says, softly. ‘After what we did?’
‘Christ, we didn’t do anything wrong Beth. We didn’t. We were just… lucky.’
She makes a non-committal noise.
‘I don’t mean… shit. Of course you don’t deserve what Maggie has done to you. No one deserves that. You know that right?’
‘I tried so hard to make her happy. But I just kept falling short. It’s not her fault either. We just weren’t a good fit.’
Beth looks sideways at him. Of course it’s Maggie’s fault. Nick certainly isn’t perfect – he’s avoidant and unreliable and he’d rather laugh things off or run away than have a serious conversation about them – but deep down, none of those things Maggie says about him are true.
‘I think it’s good that you’ve been fired,’ she says.
‘What?’
‘I think now you can concentrate on what you really want to do with your life. It was a shit, toxic job. You fell into it because it was an easy escape. A job that didn’t leave you any time to think. But imagine how much easier it will be to get yourself sorted out and focus on the things you really want to do.’
‘Easy for you to say. I’m going to be thirty next year. I don’t have any experience doing anything else. Plus, I have rent to pay.’
‘Sod it. Move out of London.’ She nudges him. ‘Not too far though.’
‘Not as far as LA, you mean?’
She sighs.
‘Maybe I should have moved to New York instead. I’ve always liked the idea of New York. It’s more… real.’
‘Well, it’s not too late.’
‘Yes it is. I’m stuck.’
‘No you’re not. You’ve made a name for yourself. People love you. Don’t look so surprised! I’ve googled you, you know. I’ve seen your meteoric rise. That’s priceless. No one can ever take that away from you.’
She can’t believe how naive he is, but she also likes it. It’s an appealing fantasy, to believe that she’s ‘made it’ in such a horrendously difficult job. But it’s bollocks. It’s wafer-thin, the illusion of success.
‘I’m hardly Meryl Streep. And it’s fickle, this business. They build you up and they can tear you down just as easily.’ She pauses. ‘Or worse, they forget about you.’
‘Well in that case I guess we’re both fucked.’
She smiles. She feels strange, somewhere in that place between happiness and sorrow. It’s so good to have Nick here, to feel his reassuring presence, and yet just a few minutes earlier she was angry with him for leaving her, and all the while her partner of nearly five years is lying in a hospital room, hooked up to machines that are keeping him alive, having recently had his ribcage sliced open.
‘I’ve been having nightmares,’ she says, quietly. ‘About the fire.’
He glances at her.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I used to get them too. Straight after. But they went away when I…’
‘When you left.’ She finishes the sentence for him.
He shrugs slightly. The sadness washes over her again; sadness for him and for her and for Vaughan and for Anna.
‘Thank you for coming,’ she says, squeezing Nick’s hand.
His eyes meet hers. For a few seconds they just look at each other. She searches his eyes trying to read his mind, her hand tight around his. How can it be that she still wants him this much, after everything? And while Vaughan is seriously ill in hospital? She’s a monster.
‘Beth I…’
??What?’
Her heart is aching, actually aching.
‘When this is all over and things go back to… well, whatever normal is, then perhaps we could… make a promise to each other?’ he says. ‘That we’ll make time to see one another. That we won’t let life – other people – always get in the way.’
She nods. A chink of light appears, somewhere in her mind’s eye. Perhaps they will find their way back to one another eventually. But now is not the time.
‘I know it was Maggie who did that to your nose,’ she says, gently. ‘And I know she didn’t like me.’
‘Christ. It wasn’t you. She didn’t like anyone.’
She sighs softly and rests her head on Nick’s shoulder, feeling sleep approach. But just as her eyelids begin to flicker shut, there’s a noise from the corner of the room.
She pulls away from Nick instantly, looking up as Sula, Vaughan’s long-time agent and friend, marches towards them, brandishing two coffees.
‘I had to go three blocks to find a Starbucks,’ she says, handing one to Beth. ‘The hospital coffee tastes like shit. Oh, hi, who’s your friend?’
‘Oh, this is… Nick,’ Beth says, standing up. ‘He’s an old friend of mine from the UK. He… happened to be over here on business and wanted to drop by and see how I was doing.’
She shouldn’t have lied. Why did she lie?
‘Nice to meet you Nick,’ Sula says, shaking his hand. ‘The old guy has given us both quite a fright. But he’s tough as nails.’
Sula cocks her head on one side, screws up her nose.
‘Yikes, Nick. What the hell happened to your face?’