Beth
Beth
It’s taken her more than eighteen months, but she’s proud of how she’s created a little world for herself.
Or, more accurately, how she’s managed to maintain a sense of optimism and joy in the face of her whole life being shipwrecked.
She arranges the flowers in a vase, and places them in the bay window of her new cottage in Barnes. A friend of Vaughan’s sent them as a kind of ‘happy new home’ present and she found herself moved to tears when she opened the card.
The cottage is small, but – as the estate agent cheesily said – perfectly formed. The loft hasn’t been converted yet, something that was quite unusual for the road, but meant it had great potential for the future. If you ever saw yourself having a family , he said, giving a kind of respectful nod.
She never saw herself having a family. This house – two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs, a lovely bright kitchen-diner at the back and a cosy living room at the front – was absolutely perfect. For her, and her alone. Because clearly, that’s what she would be from now on.
The shock of Vaughan’s death was nothing in comparison with the guilt that followed it. After all, she’d left him there so she could run away from her loneliness and take part in that play, which seemed so important at the time but turned out to be so utterly unimportant. As she stood in the front row at Vaughan’s funeral, she still couldn’t believe that the man she loved was gone forever.
Even now, in her new home, which is completely untouched by memories of Vaughan, it’s hard to fathom that he won’t be coming through the door any minute.
She dropped out of the play, of course. They assured her that it wasn’t a problem, but her anxiety about letting people down in such a fickle industry increased massively afterwards. It takes years to build a reputation, seconds to destroy one.
Upstairs, she changes into a short floral dress that she bought last week, admiring her reflection in the mirror. It’s the sort of thing she would have worn at the weekends back in LA, to go down to the farmers’ market and pick up some fruit for juicing, or just to have a stroll along the beach.
She blinks at her face in the mirror. Looking at LA Beth, who has gone forever. Then she glances out of the window, at the black clouds gathering.
She reaches back into her wardrobe and grabs her leather jacket, throwing it on, then pulls on her Dr. Martens.
London Beth looks back at her.
*
They arranged to meet at a pub across the river, which makes Beth happy because she can walk there. She’s only been in the house for a week but she loves Barnes already. It doesn’t feel like London – it feels more like a village – but it’s still quick to get into the heart of town.
She picked Barnes specifically because it was close to the river and also because she can’t ever remember visiting it with Vaughan so there was no chance of being caught off-guard by an upsetting memory.
But that was a bit naive because Vaughan is everywhere. She finds herself chatting to him sometimes, but especially when she’s alone in bed. Holding imaginary conversations with him, in which he implores her to continue working hard for her dreams, to do work she’s proud of. Just as he did in life.
As she approaches the pub, she scans the people to see if she can spot Nick. But there’s no sign of him.
She lingers on the pavement for a while, pulling out her phone. The old anxiety wells up. She wishes she could disappear, be invisible to everyone except Nick.
But she’s being stupid. She should just go into the restaurant and order a drink and sit there calmly like a grown-up and wait for him to arrive.
That’s it. That’s what she’ll do.
‘Hi,’ she says, marching up to the lady standing just inside the front door. ‘I’ve got a table booked, 1 p.m., under Beth?’
The waitress smiles at her, checks the computer.
‘Yes,’ she says. ‘Of course, come with me.’
Beth feels her shoulders relax as she follows the waitress to the table. But just as she’s about to take her seat, the waitress speaks again.
‘Sorry, but are you…’
Beth closes her eyes. Takes a deep breath. Looks back up and smiles.
‘Are you Beth Millen?’
‘Guilty.’
‘Oh wow,’ the waitress says.
Beth tries to guess how old she is. Usually, that’s the easiest way of working out where people might know her from. She looks to be in her mid-twenties, so it will probably be from Ten to One .
‘I’m… I’m a massive Ten to One fan! I’ve literally watched it about eight times.’
Bingo.
‘I can’t believe they killed you off. You were the best thing in it. Wait… Can I get my mate Joe? Do you mind? He works in the kitchen, he loves you. He’ll be beside himself. Would it be OK to get your autograph? Sorry, you must get this all the time. I bet it’s so annoying.’
‘It’s fine,’ Beth says. ‘Lovely to meet you…’
‘Chloe,’ the waitress says. ‘My name is Chloe.’
There’s a jostle behind her and she feels someone reach over and squeeze her shoulders and before she even turns round she knows that it’s Nick.
‘Hello hello hello,’ he says. ‘I was early for once and you still beat me.’
He looks up at Chloe, who is still staring down at Beth, menus in hand.
‘Are those for us?’ he says, taking them from her. His voice is firm, authoritative. ‘Great, thanks. Can we get some tap water straight away, for the table? I’m parched.’
‘Oh,’ Chloe says, finally acknowledging Nick’s existence. ‘Yes, of course. Sorry. I’ll just… I’ll leave you to it. Specials are listed on the board behind the bar.’
Beth notices Chloe’s cheeks have turned pink. She scuttles away.
‘Thanks for that,’ Beth says. ‘You rescued me. She was going on about autographs.’
‘Such a hardship. I feel terrible for you.’
She looks down, but he reaches over the table and takes her hand, squeezing it.
‘It doesn’t happen that often really,’ she says. ‘I’m lucky – the tabloids have never been that interested in me. It’s not like I have paps following me around. And it’s nice, when people genuinely enjoy your stuff.’
He smiles.
‘B,’ he says, softly. ‘How are you? I’m so… I’m so happy you’re back where you belong. How are you settling in to your new place?’
‘It’s… good. I think. So far.’
Something comes over her – a sensation that takes her right back to the first time she saw him. A certainty that he would always be in her life. But more than that, the feeling that they should be together. That they would be, one day, when the time was right.
Is it just the grief? She has felt so many emotions for Nick over the years. Felt the surest sense of love for him. Felt consumed by anger towards him. And yet they’ve never done anything but kiss. A brief flirtation at university, followed by one intense, devastating night and an adulterous snog years later. That was all their ‘relationship’ ever amounted to.
So why can’t she leave him behind?
After Vaughan died, friends sent her lots of books about grief, but there was one, which was more of a general self-help book, that she found more useful. It talked about trusting in the fates, that everything happened for a reason, nebulous concepts that had never really made sense to her but that she found strangely comforting. Perhaps religious people were right about the concept of faith after all.
She looks at Nick as he scans the menu. His hair has grown long again, and it flops over his eyes. His face has filled out, and the dark shadows that spoke of his previously unhealthy lifestyle have gone.
He looks, perversely, younger than ever. He’s holding himself with a new confidence.
Timing.
She shifts her chair slightly closer towards him. Vaughan has gone. Maggie and Nick are divorced. Perhaps now is their time?
After all, she loves him. And she has always found him physically attractive. So what exactly is standing in their way?
Nothing. Only the memories of the fire.
The dreams of that night are back, stronger than ever. She’s taken to using sleeping pills to quiet her mind, and has signed up to a meditation class.
‘Burger for me I think,’ he says, and Chloe the waitress returns and sets down a water jug and two glasses.
‘Would it be OK for you to sign this?’ Chloe says, laying a napkin and a pen down in front of Beth. ‘Joey can’t get away from the kitchen but honestly he’s your biggest fan.’
‘Of course,’ she says, smiling. She scribbles her autograph on the napkin. ‘I’m happy to do a selfie with him too, if he wants. After we’ve eaten.’
‘Amazing, thank you,’ Chloe says. ‘Um, I’ll give you a few more minutes to choose your food.’
‘Fame,’ Nick says, rolling his eyes as he sloshes water into their glasses.
‘Shut up,’ she says, shaking her chin at him. ‘What am I supposed to do? They’re only being nice.’
‘Oh I know,’ he replies. ‘I’m just glad the world is aware of your brilliance.’
She rolls her eyes.
‘How’s the course going?’ she asks, changing the subject.
‘I love it. Honestly, what have I been doing with my life? And why wasn’t it this sooner?’
‘Ah, it’s all about timing,’ she says, feeling his enthusiasm and positivity warm her like a fire. ‘I’m really pleased for you.’
‘Thanks. I am too,’ he says. ‘It’s hard to believe now… looking back. What an idiot I was. Working for a hedge fund? I mean, really?’
‘You were good at your job,’ she says, because she doesn’t like the way he puts himself down all the time.
‘Yeah but it was killing me.’
‘That’s true.’
‘Also I was responsible for a massive data breach, so I think they’d dispute you claiming I was good at my job.’
‘Pah,’ she says, rolling her eyes.
He grins.
‘I’ve met someone too,’ he says.
She feels the world suddenly shift. Everything she was just thinking now seems foolish.
Timing.
Her hand reaches down and grips the edge of the chair.
‘Oh!’ is all she can manage. ‘Wow.’
‘Yes, it’s early days but she’s… Well, she’s good for me. She’s as passionate about soil types as I am but more than that she’s… I don’t know. Relaxed.’
‘Right.’
Beth wants to cry. Relaxed . No one could ever accuse her of being that.
But relaxed is what Nick needs. Maggie wasn’t relaxed, and she nearly broke him.
She looks again at Nick. He deserves a good life, a peaceful life. A stable life. He deserves to be happy. She can’t offer him that – not with her career, the fact that she’s never in one place for more than five minutes.
Look what happened when she left alone Vaughan in LA.
She has loved Nick ever since she met him, but they are not right for each other.
How can they be? After all, whatever they do, wherever they go, they’ll always know that their relationship is the reason Anna died.