Nick
Nick
Thirteen years after
It’s a Sunday afternoon and they’re sitting in the pub that overlooks the golf course. It’s a warm autumnal day and he’s feeling content – a feeling he appreciates whenever it arises. His mum is well, has even put on a little weight lately. He’s just started a new job, looking after the exhibitions and special events for one of the most significant botanical gardens in London, and he truly loves every minute of it.
Kate has been talking since they arrived in that earnest, fast way of hers, and if he’s honest, he hasn’t really been listening. But then, she says something completely unexpected.
‘I’m so sorry, Nick,’ she says, biting her lip. ‘It’s not you, it’s me. I think we should stop… this.’
She gestures with her hands.
He frowns. He’s only just sat down, only just taken a sip of his pint of orange and lemonade. What does she mean?
‘Say something,’ Kate says.
He looks up at her. Her eyes are moist, her bottom lip curled in. She’s worried about him. His reaction.
‘Oh. OK. Right,’ he says. A stupid response.
Now it’s Kate’s turn to frown.
‘You know I really like you,’ she says, gently.
And then he gets it: she’s breaking up with him.
‘Let’s not,’ he interrupts, panicking. ‘You don’t have to… I’m nine years older than you Kate. I’m a dinosaur and you’re well rid.’
‘It’s just… there’s someone else,’ she blurts, and he stares back at her. ‘I’m sorry. I feel so terrible.’
And then she starts to cry, properly. He rummages around in his bag for a paper napkin – his mum is constantly putting them in there in case he might – what? Have a random sobbing attack? He’s never been entirely sure. But now, he’s grateful. He fishes one out and hands it to Kate.
‘Please don’t cry. Want to tell your Wise Old Uncle Nick about it?’
She splurts a half-laugh, half-sob.
‘Don’t be nice to me,’ she says. ‘If you’re nice to me it makes me think you don’t give a shit. That you never did.’
He considers this. Takes a minute to really look at her. Kate, with her frizzy brown hair and freckles. Her unencumbered energy for life. Her optimism. The fact that their relationship was simple and uncomplicated and didn’t make him worry. It meant more to him than he realised.
‘I did,’ he says. ‘I do.’
She blinks.
‘I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry, Nick.’
He smiles sadly.
‘Of course not. I know that. But… you said there was someone else?’
It hurts. For a second, he wonders who it might be. Not someone on their course. He’s sure of that.
She nods.
‘It’s… my ex,’ she says. ‘I know. I know. People are exes for reasons but… he was my childhood sweetheart. We first got together when we were just fourteen. Literally kids. It was on and off for a few years, then he joined the RAF and he was gone and I knew we couldn’t make it work long-distance. He was so passionate about being in the Royal Air Force. I remember when he told me he’d been accepted. I saw the joy in his eyes and I thought: he’s never looked that joyous about anything to do with us. And I knew that I’d lost him to it.’
‘I think it’s surprisingly common,’ he says. ‘How people’s careers can get in the way of their relationships.’ He pauses. ‘Maybe it’s not surprising. Maybe it’s not surprising at all. Your career and your relationship – you’d hope they’d be your two great passions in life after all. But it makes sense that they’re not always compatible.’
Kate takes a sip of her drink.
‘I’m sorry, Nick,’ she says. ‘Is it upsetting? Me telling you this.’
His heart warms a little, then sinks at the realisation of what he’s losing. She’s so thoughtful, so kind.
‘What’s upsetting is the thought that you’ve had your heart broken. It’s upsetting to think of you ever being sad. But…’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I suppose it’s also unrealistic.’
She gives him a quizzical look.
‘Ignore me,’ he sighs, wishing for the first time in years that he had a pint of lager in front of him. ‘Carry on.’
She takes a deep breath.
‘He’s back from Cyprus. Been posted to Odiham. A base in Hampshire. He messaged me, asked if I wanted to go for a drink. And when I saw it, well, my reaction to the message made me realise that I wasn’t being fair to you. It showed me that it wouldn’t be right for us to continue.’
Nick feels as though he’s been struck by something cold. Electrifying. Here’s Kate. Just twenty-three years old and so much wiser, so much more sensitive than he is.
‘You’re a really special person, Kate,’ he says. ‘I appreciate your honesty. I hope you know that. I hope this guy – what’s his name?’
‘Liam.’
‘I hope Liam deserves you.’
She looks down, embarrassed.
‘I don’t know… I don’t know if anything will come of it. But I just have this feeling, down in my gut. That we’re meant to be together. Does that make sense?’
Of course it does.
‘Yes,’ he says. ‘It makes total sense.’
‘Most people think I’m crazy. I’ve spent years trying to convince myself that Liam’s not “the one”. That it doesn’t really exist outside of Hollywood romcoms. But…’ She pauses, flapping her hands. Kate’s not a hand-flapper. ‘I can’t stop feeling this way. I feel like, I have to try. I have to try to make another go of it, if we can, if he’s interested, otherwise I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering. Worrying. The thing is with relationships, it’s not over until it’s over . Until it’s really dead. Do you get what I mean?’
‘Completely,’ he says.
‘I’m sorry,’ she replies. ‘I really liked you, Nick. But… can I be honest?’
He nods. Does he want her to be honest? Not really.
‘It always felt a little bit like your heart wasn’t in it. I know we’ve always been quite casual but I feel like our relationship wasn’t really going anywhere. Maybe, if you’re honest, you’re the kind of guy who prefers being single? It’s not a bad thing. You’re the most relaxed person I know. You know what I’m saying, right? You’re not the type to get tied down. Mortgage, kids. All that. I just don’t… know if it’s what you want. And I’m not saying I want all those things either, because I’m not sure that I do but obviously you are a bit older than me and…’ She tails off, glancing up at him. ‘Well, you still live with your mum.’
He blinks.
‘Sorry. I’m not trying to be horrible. I know that she needs you. That you’re taking care of her. And that’s a wonderful thing. Really, it is.’
‘It’s fine,’ he says, but he feels something tighten in his chest. He won’t explain how devastating her words have been, how they’ve punctured his soul with their accuracy. ‘But. Just so you know, Kate. I really liked you. I really like you. I wasn’t… I wasn’t messing you around.’
She looks down then straight back up and into his eyes.
‘I hope we can be friends,’ he continues. ‘I might be old enough to be your dad but…’
She raises her eyebrows.
‘Hardly!’
‘OK, well not quite but even so, I think I’d… I think I could do with a friend as wise as you.’
She smiles, flicking a tear from the corner of her eye.
‘Of course,’ she says. ‘Friends. Always.’
*
Later that evening, he sits alone in his childhood bedroom and takes out his phone. He wants to call Beth. Of course he does. It’s not even a surprise. They are each other’s default, whenever a crisis emerges. Is that a bad thing? Is it toxic? He can’t be sure.
It would be wrong of him to call Beth now, and tell her that Kate had broken up with him. It would feel manipulative, as though he was trying to guilt trip her into giving him attention.
He sighs, puts the phone back down on his bedside table. He should really go to sleep.
Work is busy. He’s preparing for a new show which opens next Sunday. A photography exhibition: ‘Rewilding Unveiled’. It’s the first photography exhibition the garden has ever held, in fact. It was his idea and his boss had taken some convincing, but he’s so excited about it. It’s a message that he’s passionate about: fighting against the paving slabs and artificial lawns that have taken over so many people’s gardens, and encouraging them to allow nature to have its rightful place.
His mother’s garden, of course, remains the ultimate example of rewilding. And although he wouldn’t advise people go quite that far, he’s seen the benefits it brings to the local wildlife. Back in the spring, he counted nineteen different species of birds out there in just one day.
Beth is coming to the opening night. When he texted her to tell her about it and floated the possibility of her coming, if she was free, of course he would understand if not , her reply was sweetly effusive.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I WOULD LOVE TO COME! x
It’ll be the first time he’s seen her since last year.
Actually, that’s not strictly true. She went touring the UK in a new comedy for nine months this year – and when the show came to Woking, he went to watch.
He didn’t tell her he was in the audience, and he didn’t wait for her backstage either. But he watched and he saw what he saw that first time he went to watch her perform: that she was made for this. That she had an innate talent he could never have, or even understand.
It’s enough , he thinks, as he closes his eyes and tries to ready himself for sleep. It’s enough to have her in his life this way: as a friend .
After what he did to her, he should be thankful he even has that.