Nick
Nick
He has an irrational fear that Beth will turn up to his opening night with another man. Since Vaughan, she hasn’t dated anyone. Or if she has, then she hasn’t shared that information with him. And he’s sure she would have done.
But what if he’s wrong?
He wonders how he would cope with seeing her there with someone else.
But he doesn’t see her at all for the first hour. He’s rushing around, meeting and greeting, firefighting (a term he finds insulting to real firefighters) and accepting compliments and being introduced to various important people.
It’s stressful but he loves it. It reminds him of the one good thing from his hedge-fund days, that feeling of electricity that comes from being busy, from being in demand, from feeling as though you’re living your life in active motion, rather than simply sitting still and letting things happen to you.
But at the back of his mind, throughout it all, he’s thinking of her. When will she turn up? What will she be wearing? What will she say?
He knows this kind of event isn’t really her thing. She doesn’t go out that much, unless it’s a work thing. She doesn’t like to draw attention to herself, despite her job.
He’s making his way to the drinks table, in the far corner of the glasshouse, when he finally spots her. She’s standing alone, head bowed over the programme for the event, a glass of water clutched in one hand.
All the nervous energy he’s felt over the past few days seems to unleash at the sight of her.
‘Hey,’ he says. ‘You made it.’
She looks up at him. She looks happy. Healthy.
She reaches up and kisses him on the cheek.
‘Congratulations. It’s brilliant, Nick. You should be so proud.’
He looks around.
‘Not a bad turn out for a gardening exhibition is it?’
‘It’s amazing. And genuinely, really interesting. I’ve been reading all the stuff. Did you write this guide? It’s brilliant. I’d never realised that being around nature actually increases the dopamine in your brain, but it makes sense, doesn’t it?’
He smiles.
‘Is Kate here? I’d love to finally meet her.’
Her eyes are shining. Is she being honest?
‘Oh,’ he says. ‘No, er. We actually… We’re not seeing each other anymore.’
‘Oh!’ Her eyes widen, but not with anger. She swallows. ‘Right. Sorry to hear that.’
‘Are you alone? I was looking for you earlier but I kept getting pulled from pillar to post.’
‘No,’ she says, and his heart briefly stops. ‘Actually… I brought my mum with me.’
‘Oh!’
He doesn’t know what to say.
‘She loves this kind of thing. She’s just gone to the toilet. Can you stay till she’s back so that I can introduce you?’
‘Of course.’
He can’t believe she’s brought her mother. He didn’t even invite his own. It’s been… how many years since they first met? He’s not sure. And he has never met Beth’s mother. Or her father for that matter.
Beth never spoke much about her family.
He’s always found it strange that they could be so distant from one another. It was as though these people, Beth’s actual flesh and blood, were acquaintances she had met once and not particularly hit it off with. But surely there must have been love there, at the very least?
Unreachable.
That was the adjective Beth had used to describe her father once.
‘He’s just… in his own world most of the time. Doesn’t seem to register that we even exist. I don’t understand why my mum stays with him. He’s so… unreachable. He’s always been a bit distant, preoccupied, busy with work… but he wasn’t quite as bad when we were younger. He got so much worse after the affair came out. It was as though I lost him as a father then. And in his place I got a cold robot.’
Nick had thought of his own mother; his own exhausting mother, who was never cold but who was sometimes too warm. Too much.
Then he thought of his father, who he had never met, and wondered if on some level that was preferable to the experience Beth had had. What you don’t know can’t hurt you.
He wishes he could have something to take the edge off his nerves. But there’s no time, as he sees an older woman approach Beth, touching her lightly on the elbow.
‘Mum!’
Beth’s mother is slight, with mousy hair and a mouth that turns-down at the edges. She doesn’t look anything like Beth. But she smiles at him warmly.
‘Hello,’ she says. ‘I’ve heard so much about you, Nick.’
He kisses her on the cheek, glancing over at Beth, who’s beaming from ear to ear.
‘Isn’t Nick clever, Mum? The exhibition is so beautiful too.’
‘He is. Thank you for inviting us. It’s been a real treat. And these canapés! I’ve never had anything so fancy.’
He’s struggling to think of something witty and charming to say in return when he feels someone tap him on the back. Jude, his assistant, is standing behind him.
‘Nearly time for the thank yous,’ he says, and Nick swallows.
‘Sorry,’ he says, turning back to Beth and her mother. ‘I’d better go… It was lovely to meet you though. Please don’t rush off will you?’
Beth shakes her head, smiling again at him.
‘Go on,’ she says. ‘I’ll film your speech.’
*
As the evening draws to a close, he searches for Beth and her mother. He hadn’t even asked her name, and he’s kicking himself for it, because now it’s too late.
He turns out of the main section of the glasshouse into the atrium and there she is. Beth’s mother, looking slightly anxious, her face pale and drawn. And behind her, Beth. With her back turned away, chatting to someone on her phone.
Beth’s mother looks up and their eyes meet. He smiles, makes his way over to her.
‘Some very important work call,’ she says, gesturing towards Beth. ‘At this time! I don’t know how she keeps up with it all. Her life exhausts me.’
‘You must be so proud of her though,’ he says. ‘Of what she’s achieved.’
‘Oh yes…’ She pauses, gazing down at the floor. ‘Although she never tells us much. She’s always been so distant with us. So desperate to leave home. Hardly ever comes back, barely ever visits. Not even for Christmas. She’s always working… it’s been lovely to see her tonight.’
Her fingers are wrapped tightly around the wine glass. It occurs to Nick that she might be a little drunk.
‘She’s always been very… self-contained. Determined,’ he says, trying to defend Beth. ‘That’s one of the things I’ve always admired about her.’
‘Well, she’s always spoken so highly of you. Nick this, Nick that. It’s nice to be finally able to meet.’
Nick flushes, imagining what on earth Beth might have said about him. Her mother cocks her head to one side.
‘We’ve always been rather curious, I have to say. She says you’re not a couple, that you’ve never been… together … but…’ She gives a deep sigh, as though she knows there’s no easy answer to her question, that perhaps the question is better off never being asked. ‘If I’m quite honest, I don’t understand why not. She talks about you all the time.’
He takes a sharp inhalation of breath.
‘Are you married? Is that it? I didn’t see a ring on your finger but…’
‘What? Christ, no!’
He hears her sigh again.
‘You’re not gay?’
‘No, no… nothing like that I promise,’ he says. ‘It’s just… well you know.’ She doesn’t know, that’s the point. Idiot . ‘We’ve always been good friends. Sometimes that’s… Sometimes that’s enough. Sometimes that’s so special, you don’t want to risk losing it.’
Pathetic.
He can tell by the expression on her face that she doesn’t understand this answer at all.
It’s an inadequate response, he knows. He feels he’s let Beth down, but how can he tell her mother the truth?
That the reason they’re not together is because he has always been too afraid of how things would turn out.